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  • DAVID: The modern dating scene is crazy.

  • I mean, seriously, it used to be good enough to be a

  • good-looking guy from Shaker Heights with a Victorian

  • hairline and IBS.

  • But in today's meat market, you need to be a good-looking

  • guy from Shaker Heights with a Victorian

  • hairline and IBS and money.

  • That's right, folks.

  • Gone are the days when the Dutch bought

  • Manhattan for a song.

  • I mean, today, what are you going to get for a song?

  • Unless, of course, you get on the radio, and then you have a

  • whole new set of problems because you've got to get a

  • publisher and, what is it, ASCAP, or is it BMI?

  • And then there's digital distribution, there's iTunes

  • and ring tones.

  • I mean, you've got to get a multi-platform roll out if you

  • even want to have a chance of making money in

  • the new media world.

  • God, who's got the time?

  • If I'm going to find the woman of my dreams, I have got to

  • get money, now.

  • MALE SPEAKER: David, you're a known entity in the

  • entertainment business.

  • You won't have any trouble making money.

  • COMPUTER: Congratulations, your auction has ended.

  • You've made $0.01.

  • MALE SPEAKER: I'm just saying, David, it's time for you to

  • stop living in the past.

  • I want to dip my balls in it.

  • Wait a second, I have an idea.

  • DAVID: OK, how do you like this?

  • I think this is good.

  • You like it?

  • FEMALE SPEAKER: Yeah I like it.

  • DAVID: Yeah, I like it, too.

  • I really like it.

  • Yeah, I like it.

  • You like it.

  • Yeah.

  • Take it.

  • They just didn't get me.

  • You know?

  • I want to do something I love, something

  • I'm passionate about.

  • MALE SPEAKER: Masturbation.

  • DAVID: Well, look, I know I'm a little self-involved right

  • now, but you don't have to be mean about it.

  • MALE SPEAKER: No, that's it, David.

  • You have to stop listening to the wind and look in the lake.

  • The answer to your problems is right there.

  • DAVID: Hello?

  • Anybody home?

  • I'm here to spill my seed for cash.

  • Well, I guess nobody's here.

  • I'll just get ready to do my thing.

  • HEIDI: May I help you?

  • DAVID: Oh, hi.

  • I must have the wrong place.

  • I thought this was a sperm bank, but it's obviously a

  • modeling agency.

  • I'm here to cum in a cup.

  • HEIDI: I'd like you to cum in my cup.

  • DAVID: Idihe.

  • H-Heidi, Heidi, oh.

  • HEIDI: Shall I take you to the sperm collection room?

  • DAVID: Yes.

  • HEIDI: Ready?

  • DAVID: Yeah.

  • Oh, oh, g--

  • Oh, g--

  • [SQUELCHING NOISE]

  • DAVID: Oh.

  • HEIDI: Whoopsies.

  • DAVID: I'll be back tomorrow.

  • Hello?

  • HEIDI: May I help you?

  • [SQUELCHING NOISE]

  • DAVID: Oh.

  • [SQUELCHING NOISE]

  • DAVID: Oh, god, oh, oh!

  • [SQUELCHING NOISE]

  • [SQUELCHING NOISE]

  • HEIDI: [INAUDIBLE]

  • I don't think this is the best place.

  • [SQUELCHING NOISE]

  • DAVID: Concentrate.

  • Concentrate.

  • Concentrate.

  • Concentrate.

  • HEIDI: You can do it, David.

  • DAVID: Don't let go.

  • Don't let go.

  • Don't let go.

  • HEIDI: Hold it in, David.

  • Hold it in.

  • DAVID: Concentrate.

  • Concentration camp.

  • Bergen-Belsen, Auschwitz.

  • Concentrate.

  • [CHEERING]

  • HEIDI: Well?

  • DAVID: This is for the sperm bank.

  • HEIDI: Thank you.

  • DAVID: And this is for you.

  • HEIDI: Ugh.

  • FEMALE SPEAKER: What women care about is what's up here.

  • DAVID: Oh, brains.

  • FEMALE SPEAKER: No, I, I was pointing to your hairline.

  • You're balding, and it's completely sickening me.

DAVID: The modern dating scene is crazy.

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Wainy Days #7'The Bank' (Ken Marino) (Wainy Days #7 'The Bank' (Ken Marino))

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    紅謹 發佈於 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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