字幕列表 影片播放 列印英文字幕 DAVID: The modern dating scene is crazy. I mean, seriously, it used to be good enough to be a good-looking guy from Shaker Heights with a Victorian hairline and IBS. But in today's meat market, you need to be a good-looking guy from Shaker Heights with a Victorian hairline and IBS and money. That's right, folks. Gone are the days when the Dutch bought Manhattan for a song. I mean, today, what are you going to get for a song? Unless, of course, you get on the radio, and then you have a whole new set of problems because you've got to get a publisher and, what is it, ASCAP, or is it BMI? And then there's digital distribution, there's iTunes and ring tones. I mean, you've got to get a multi-platform roll out if you even want to have a chance of making money in the new media world. God, who's got the time? If I'm going to find the woman of my dreams, I have got to get money, now. MALE SPEAKER: David, you're a known entity in the entertainment business. You won't have any trouble making money. COMPUTER: Congratulations, your auction has ended. You've made $0.01. MALE SPEAKER: I'm just saying, David, it's time for you to stop living in the past. I want to dip my balls in it. Wait a second, I have an idea. DAVID: OK, how do you like this? I think this is good. You like it? FEMALE SPEAKER: Yeah I like it. DAVID: Yeah, I like it, too. I really like it. Yeah, I like it. You like it. Yeah. Take it. They just didn't get me. You know? I want to do something I love, something I'm passionate about. MALE SPEAKER: Masturbation. DAVID: Well, look, I know I'm a little self-involved right now, but you don't have to be mean about it. MALE SPEAKER: No, that's it, David. You have to stop listening to the wind and look in the lake. The answer to your problems is right there. DAVID: Hello? Anybody home? I'm here to spill my seed for cash. Well, I guess nobody's here. I'll just get ready to do my thing. HEIDI: May I help you? DAVID: Oh, hi. I must have the wrong place. I thought this was a sperm bank, but it's obviously a modeling agency. I'm here to cum in a cup. HEIDI: I'd like you to cum in my cup. DAVID: Idihe. H-Heidi, Heidi, oh. HEIDI: Shall I take you to the sperm collection room? DAVID: Yes. HEIDI: Ready? DAVID: Yeah. Oh, oh, g-- Oh, g-- [SQUELCHING NOISE] DAVID: Oh. HEIDI: Whoopsies. DAVID: I'll be back tomorrow. Hello? HEIDI: May I help you? [SQUELCHING NOISE] DAVID: Oh. [SQUELCHING NOISE] DAVID: Oh, god, oh, oh! [SQUELCHING NOISE] [SQUELCHING NOISE] HEIDI: [INAUDIBLE] I don't think this is the best place. [SQUELCHING NOISE] DAVID: Concentrate. Concentrate. Concentrate. Concentrate. HEIDI: You can do it, David. DAVID: Don't let go. Don't let go. Don't let go. HEIDI: Hold it in, David. Hold it in. DAVID: Concentrate. Concentration camp. Bergen-Belsen, Auschwitz. Concentrate. [CHEERING] HEIDI: Well? DAVID: This is for the sperm bank. HEIDI: Thank you. DAVID: And this is for you. HEIDI: Ugh. FEMALE SPEAKER: What women care about is what's up here. DAVID: Oh, brains. FEMALE SPEAKER: No, I, I was pointing to your hairline. You're balding, and it's completely sickening me.