and one of the most stressful parts

最令人感到有壓力的就是

is figuring out where to seat the people at the dinner table.

不知道要怎麼安排大家在餐桌上的座位

That is--don't you think that that's the hardest thing?

那就是因為...你們不覺得那是最困難的事嗎？

'Cause they're like, "Why am I

他們會說：

sitting over here when--" You know.

「為什麼我一定要跟那個誰坐在一起？」你們知道的

So today I thought I would help you out.

所以今天我決定要給你們一點安排座位的小訣竅

Bring out my table, please.

請推出我的餐桌

[audience laughter]

[觀眾笑聲]

All right, well.

好了

These are not ghosts. These are--

這些不是鬼，這些是...

[audience laughter]

[觀眾笑聲]

These are representing your family,

這些人代表你們的家庭

and I am going to show you how things should go.

我要教你們該怎麼安排座位

All right.

好的

So here we go.

開始吧

So here at the end of the table,

在桌子的最尾端

we have Grandma, because...

我們安排祖母坐在這，因為...

[audience laughter]

[觀眾笑聲]

[cheers and applause]

[歡呼和掌聲]

It's a good place for a grandma to be,

這是個適合祖母的地方

because let's be honest:

我們就坦白地說吧

Grandma's gonna keep talking about "those people"

祖母一定會喋喋不休地說關於「那些人」的事

and you don't know who she's talking about,

雖然你們不知道她在說誰

but you're pretty sure it's offensive,

但是可以確定一定是些冒犯人的言論

so it's best that nobody hears

所以最好大家都聽不到

what she's talking about.

祖母在講什麼

All right, over here, we have your Uncle Bob.

好了，至於在這邊，我們有你們的叔叔包伯

And... [audience laughter]

而且...[觀眾笑聲]

he's gonna have Bluetooth in his ear the entire time,

整晚他都會戴著他的藍芽耳機

even though no one is calling him.

儘管沒有人打給他

[audience laughter]

[觀眾笑聲]

He was also on the last episode of "Dateline,"

他還出現在上一集的「日界線」裡（美國電視節目）

so we keep him down here.

所以我們就把他留在這吧

Next to him is his new wife, Crystal.

坐在旁邊的是叔叔的新老婆，克莉絲朵

[audience laughter]

[觀眾笑聲]

[laughter and applause]

[笑聲和掌聲]

She's into stuffing and I don't mean the food.

她對於把自己填滿很感興趣，而且我說的不是食物

[audience laughter]

[觀眾笑聲]

What--[laughs]

最...[艾倫笑出來]

[audience laughter]

[觀眾笑聲]

What's awkward is that she's seated right next to

最尷尬的是，看看她坐在誰的旁邊

your uncle's first wife, Jan.

你們叔叔的第一任妻子，珍

Now I'm scared to take things off here.

我有點害怕把布掀開

Oh. [audience laughter]

噢...[觀眾笑聲]

Looks like Jan's been crying.

看來珍一直在哭

She's mad because he got the big screen TV,

她很生氣因為前夫換了個年輕貌美又隆乳的老婆

and her stuffing is old and flat.

自己的胸部還是又老又平

[audience laughter]

[觀眾笑聲]

So-- [audience laughter]

所以...[觀眾笑聲]

[audience laughter]

[觀眾笑聲]

[laughs]

[笑聲]

She's stuck between the new wife and your Aunt Melissa.

她被夾在新太太和妳的梅莉莎阿姨的中間

Who is--[laughs]

她...[艾倫笑出來]

[audience laughter]

[觀眾笑聲]

[cheers and applause]

[歡呼和掌聲]

- Napkin? - Thank you.

-餐巾紙？-謝謝

[audience laughter]

[觀眾笑聲]

Who usually brings her "roommate," but...

她通常會帶她的「室友」一起來，但是...

[audience laughter]

[觀眾笑聲]

Judy, but Judy just moved out,

她的室友叫茱蒂，但是茱蒂最近搬出去了

so Melissa is eating all the stuffing,

所以梅莉莎阿姨正在吃光所有的填充餡料

and I do mean the food.

我說的是食物裡的填充物

Um-- [audience laughter]

呃...[觀眾笑聲]

So-- [audience laughter]

所以...[觀眾笑聲]

Over here, we have the kids' table.

孩子們的餐桌會擺在這裡

At my house, we call that "outside."

在我家，「這裡」指的是「屋外」

And... [audience laughter]

但是...[觀眾笑聲]

If it's inside in your house, here's an idea

如果孩子們的餐桌在屋裡的話，你們不妨這樣做

to make everything less stressful.

來減輕自己的壓力

Hey kids. [audience laughter]

嘿孩子們！[觀眾笑聲]

[audience laughter]

[觀眾笑聲]

You send the kids over to the main table.

你叫孩子們去坐在主桌

Go on, git. Git.

去啊，去！去！

You get to the main table,

你們去坐在主桌

and then you stay here and enjoy a nice meal all by yourself.

然後你就可以坐在這獨自享受一頓寧靜的晚餐

[laughter and applause]

[笑聲和掌聲]

[cheers and applause]

[歡呼和掌聲]

And then, as soon as the dinner is over,

然後，只要大家一吃完晚餐

you pretend like you're sleeping until the dishes are done,

你就假裝睡著直到所有的碗都被洗好

and then, you just work off that meal with a dance.

之後，你用跳舞來消化剛吃下肚的大餐