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  • I published this article in the New York Times Modern Love column in January of this year.

    這篇文章是我今年一月在《紐約時報》的 《現代愛情》專欄發表的。

  • "To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This."

  • And the article is about a psychological study designed to create romantic love in the laboratory,

    這篇文章是在寫一個設計來在實驗室裡創造浪漫愛情的心理研究,

  • and my own experience trying the study myself one night last summer.

    還有我自己進行這項研究的經驗, 就在去年夏天的某個晚上。

  • So the procedure is fairly simple:

    這個研究的步驟頗為簡單:

  • Two strangers take turns asking each other 36 increasingly personal questions and then they stare into each other's eyes without speaking for four minutes.

    兩個陌生人輪流問對方 36 個循序漸進的私人問題, 然後注視著對方的雙眼, 維持四分鐘完全不交談。

  • So here are a couple of sample questions.

    這裡有一些範例題目。

  • Number 12: If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

    第 12 題:如果你明天醒來時 可以獲得任何特質或能力, 你會希望是什麼?

  • Number 28: When did you last cry in front of another person? Or by yourself?

    第 28 題:上一次你在別人面前哭泣是在何時?上次獨自哭泣又是何時?

  • As you can see, they really do get more personal as they go along.

    如你們所見,這些問題真的越問越私人。

  • Number 30, I really like this one: Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things you might not say to someone you just met.

    第 30 題,這個我很喜歡: 告訴對方,你喜歡他們的哪些部分; 這次請試著非常誠實, 說一些你可能不會對初次見面的人說的事情。

  • So when I first came across this study a few years earlier, one detail really stuck out to me,

    所以幾年前當我第一次接觸這個研究時,有一件事情令我印象深刻,

  • and that was the rumor that two of the participants had gotten married six months later, and they'd invited the entire lab to the ceremony.

    就是有個傳聞,說有兩個受測者在進行測試的六個月之後結婚了,而且還邀請整個實驗室的人參加婚禮。

  • So I was of course very skeptical about this process of just manufacturing romantic love, but of course I was intrigued.

    所以我當然非常懷疑這個就這麼製造浪漫愛情的過程, 但當然我也非常好奇。

  • And when I got the chance to try this study myself, with someone I knew but not particularly well, I wasn't expecting to fall in love.

    而當我有機會自己測試這項研究時, 我找了一個認識但不很熟的人,而我不認為我們會墜入愛河。

  • But then we did, and --

    但最後我們的確有,而且--

  • And I thought it made a good story, so I sent it to the Modern Love column a few months later.

    而且我認為我們創造了不錯的故事, 所以我就在那幾個月之後把它寄給《現代愛情》專欄。

  • Now, this was published in January, and now it is August, so I'm guessing that some of you are probably wondering, are we still together?

    這篇文章在一月時刊出, 而現在是八月, 所以我想你們大概在想,我們還在一起嗎?

  • And the reason I think you might be wondering this is because I have been asked this question again and again and again for the past seven months.

    我覺得你們大概在想這件事的原因, 是因為在過去七個月以來, 我已經一次又一次又一次地被問這個問題了。

  • And this question is really what I want to talk about today.

    而這正是我今天想談論的事情。

  • But let's come back to it.

    但我們之後再回到這個問題。

  • So the week before the article came out, I was very nervous.

    所以在那篇文章刊出前,我非常地緊張。

  • I had been working on a book about love stories for the past few years, so I had gotten used to writing about my own experiences with romantic love on my blog.

    我一直在寫一本關於愛情故事的書, 已經好幾年了,所以已經很習慣在部落格上寫一些自己的愛情經驗。

  • But a blog post might get a couple hundred views at the most, and those were usually just my Facebook friends,

    但部落格文章頂多有幾百個瀏覽數,而且那些通常只是臉書上的朋友,

  • and I figured my article in the New York Times would probably get a few thousand views.

    而我估算在《紐約時報》上的文章可能會有幾千個瀏覽數。

  • And that felt like a lot of attention on a relatively new relationship.

    這感覺是有很多眼睛在盯著一段相對新的愛情關係。

  • But as it turned out, I had no idea.

    但事情的結果是,我大錯特錯。

  • So the article was published online on a Friday evening, and by Saturday, this had happened to the traffic on my blog.

    那篇文章在網路上刊出, 是在一個週五的晚上, 而到週六時,我的部落格已經出現這樣的湧入量,而到週六時,我的部落格已經出現這樣的湧入量。

  • And by Sunday, both the Today Show and Good Morning America had called.

    而到週日時,《今日秀》 和《早安美國》都打電話給我。

  • Within a month, the article would receive over 8 million views, and I was, to say the least, underprepared for this sort of attention.

    在一個月內,那篇文章已經超過 800 萬次瀏覽, 而我,簡而言之,並沒有做好面對這麼多關注的準備。

  • It's one thing to work up the confidence to write honestly about your experiences with love,

    提起信心真實地寫出自己的戀愛經驗是一回事,

  • but it is another thing to discover that your love life has made international news,

    但發現你的愛情生活已經變成國際新聞則是另一回事。

  • and to realize that people across the world are genuinely invested in the status of your new relationship.

    還有發現全世界的人 真的非常投入在你新戀情的狀態。

  • And when people called or emailed, which they did every day for weeks, they always asked the same question first:

    而當人們打電話或寄信給你, 連續好幾週這種事情每天都發生,他們總是先問一樣的問題:

  • they always asked the same question first, "Are you guys still together?"

    而當人們打電話或寄信給你, 連續好幾週這種事情每天都發生,他們總是先問一樣的問題:

  • In fact, as I was preparing this talk, I did a quick search of my email inbox for the phrase "Are you still together?" and several messages popped up immediately.

    你們還在一起嗎?事實上,在準備這場演說時, 我快速搜尋了電子郵件的收件匣, 尋找「你們還在一起嗎?」的關鍵字,

  • They were from students and journalists and friendly strangers like this one.

    立即跳出許多搜尋結果。這些信來自學生、專欄作家、

  • I did radio interviews and they asked.

    還有像這個友善的陌生人。

  • I even gave a talk, and one woman shouted up to the stage, "Hey Mandy, where's your boyfriend?"

    我做廣播訪談的時候,他們也問了。我在演講時,甚至 有位女士對著講台大喊:

  • And I promptly turned bright red.

    「嘿,曼蒂,你的男朋友在哪裡?」

  • I understand that this is part of the deal.

    我馬上漲紅了臉。

  • If you write about your relationship in an international newspaper, you should expect people to feel comfortable asking about it.

    我瞭解這有點像是交易條件的一部份,當你在一間國際報社 寫出自己的戀情時,

  • But I just wasn't prepared for the scope of the response.

    就該預期大家會很自在地問這個問題。

  • The 36 questions seem to have taken on a life of their own.

    但我就是沒準備好 面對這種規模的回應。

  • In fact, the New York Times published a follow-up article for Valentine's Day,

    這36個問題似乎已經 活出各自的生命了。事實上,《紐約時報》之後 還刊出了一篇後續文章,

  • which featured readers' experiences of trying the study themselves, with varying degrees of success.

    就在情人節的時候,針對一些讀者自己進行測試的經驗,

  • So my first impulse in the face of all of this attention was to become very protective of my own relationship.

    和各種不同成功程度的結果。所以面臨這一切關注,我的直覺反應

  • I said no to every request for the two of us to do a media appearance together.

    是變得非常保護自己的戀情。我拒絕每一個邀請我們兩個

  • I turned down TV interviews, and I said no to every request for photos of the two us.

    一起在媒體上露面的請求。我取消了電視訪談、

  • I think I was afraid that we would become inadvertent icons for the process of falling in love, a position I did not at all feel qualified for.

    拒絕每一個希望能有我們合照的請求。我想我是在怕我們會不小心成為 這個讓人墜如愛河程序的象徵,

  • And I get it:

    而我認為自己並不具備這個條件。

  • people didn't just want to know if the study worked, they wanted to know if it really worked:

    我也懂啦:大家不只想知道這個研究是否可行,

  • That is, if it was capable of producing love that would last, not just a fling, but real love, sustainable love.

    他們還想知道它的成果是否真的成功:也就是,它是否能 製造可以長久的愛情,

  • But this was a question I didn't feel capable of answering.

    不只是一時的,而是真正的愛情, 可以持續下去的愛情。

  • My own relationship was only a few months old, and I felt like people were asking the wrong question in the first place.

    但這不是個我自認有能力回答的問題。我自己的戀情才開始幾個月,

  • What would knowing whether or not we were still together really tell them?

    而我覺得大家好像 一開始就問錯問題了。

  • If the answer was no, would it make the experience of doing these 36 questions any less worthwhile?

    我們還在一起與否, 能真正說明什麼呢?如果答案是否定的, 這是否會讓做這36個問題的實驗

  • Dr. Arthur Aron first wrote about these questions in this study here in 1997, and here, the researcher's goal was not to produce romantic love.

    看起來沒那麼有價值?亞瑟‧艾倫博士第一次寫出這些問題, 是在1997年的這篇研究裡,

  • Instead, they wanted to foster interpersonal closeness among college students,

    而在此,研究員的目的 並不是製造浪漫愛情,而是想培養

  • by using what Aron called "Sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personalistic self-disclosure."

    大學生彼此之間的親密,透過艾倫所說的

  • Sounds romantic, doesn't it?

    「永續、增進、互惠、 人格上的自我揭露」

  • But the study did work.

    聽起來很浪漫,不是嗎?

  • The participants did feel closer after doing it,

    但那研究確實有用。

  • and several subsequent studies have also used Aron's fast friends protocol as a way to quickly create trust and intimacy between strangers.

    受測者在測試後感覺彼此更緊密了,而後來的幾個研究 也用艾倫的「快速交友模式」

  • They've used it between members of the police and members of community, and they've used it between people of opposing political ideologies.

    做為快速建立陌生人之間 信任和親密的方式,他們將它用在警察成員之間、 社區成員之間,

  • The original version of the story, the one that I tried last summer, that pairs the personal questions with four minutes of eye contact,

    還用在政治意識形態 彼此對立的人之間。這個故事的初始版本, 也就是我去年夏天嘗試的版本,

  • was referenced in this article, but unfortunately it was never published.

    彼此問私人問題和 四分鐘眼神接觸的版本,是參考自這篇文章的,

  • So a few months ago, I was giving a talk at a small liberal arts college,

    可惜的是它從來沒有被發表。所以幾個月前, 我在一間小型的人文教育大學

  • and a student came up to me afterwards and he said, kind of shyly, "So, I tried your study, and it didn't work."

    演說的時候,一個學生演講後跑來找我, 他有點害羞地說:

  • He seemed a little mystified by this.

    「我試了你的研究,但沒有成功。」

  • "You mean, you didn't fall in love with the person you did it with?" I asked.

    他看起來對此有點困惑。

  • "Well..." He paused.

    「你是說,你並沒有和對方 墜入愛河嗎?」我問他。

  • "I think she just wants to be friends."

    「嗯...」他停頓了一下。

  • "But did you become better friends?" I asked.

    「我想她只想和我當朋友。」

  • "Did you feel like you got to really know each other after doing the study?"

    「但你們有變成更好的朋友嗎?」我問,

  • He nodded.

    「你們有覺得在實驗過後 變得真正瞭解對方嗎?」

  • "So, then it worked," I said.

    他點頭。

  • I don't think this is the answer he was looking for.

    「所以,那有成功啊。」我說。

  • In fact, I don't think this is the answer that any of us are looking for when it comes to love.

    我想這應該不是他想要的答案。事實上,我不認為在談論愛情時,

  • I first came across this study when I was 29 and I was going through a really difficult breakup.

    這是大家想要的答案。我29歲時第一次接觸這個研究 當時我正經歷一次非常痛苦的分手。

  • I had been in the relationship since I was 20, which was basically my entire adult life,

    那段戀情從我20歲就開始了,基本上是我整個成年人生,

  • and he was my first real love, and I had no idea how or if I could make a life without him.

    而他是我的第一個真愛,沒有他,我不知道該如何活下去、 不知道我能否活下去。

  • So I turned to science.

    所以我轉向科學尋求答案,

  • I researched everything I could find about the science of romantic love, and I think I was hoping that it might somehow inoculate me from heartache.

    我研究了所有我能找到的、 關於愛情的科學,而我想我當時希望的是 它能讓我免於心碎。

  • I don't know if I realized this at the time.

    我不知道當時我是否意識到這點 --

  • I thought I was just doing research for this book I was writing, but it seems really obvious in retrospect.

    我以為我只是在為 正在寫的這本書進行研究 --但事後回想其實還滿明顯的。

  • I hoped that if I armed myself with the knowledge of romantic love, I might never have to feel as terrible and lonely as I did then.

    我希望如果用愛情的知識來武裝自己,或許就不會再次感到如此糟糕和孤單。

  • And all this knowledge has been useful in some ways.

    某種程度上這些知識確實有用。

  • I am more patient with love. I am more relaxed.

    對於愛情,我更有耐心、也更加放鬆。

  • I am more confident about asking for what I want.

    我更有信心追求我想要的。

  • But I can also see myself more clearly, and I can see that what I want is sometimes more than can reasonably be asked for.

    但我也能更清楚地看見自己,也可以瞭解有時自己想要的, 比能夠合理要求的更多。

  • What I want from love is a guarantee, not just that I am loved today and that I will be loved tomorrow,

    我希望從愛情中得到的,是個保證,不是只有今天被愛著, 或是明天仍然被愛著,

  • but that I will continue to be loved by the person I love indefinitely.

    而是能夠持續地被我愛著的人愛著, 不管那個人是誰。

  • Maybe it's this possibility of a guarantee that people were really asking about when they wanted to know if we were still together.

    或許這種保證的機會有多大,就是人們在問我們是否仍在一起時 真正想知道的答案。

  • So the story that the media told about the 36 questions was that there might be a shortcut to falling in love.

    所以關於這36個問題, 媒體想說的故事是可能有種能讓人墜如愛河的捷徑。

  • There might be a way to somehow mitigate some of the risk involved, and this is a very appealing story,

    可能有種方法, 某種程度上可以降低其中的風險,而這會是個非常吸引人的故事,

  • because falling in love feels amazing, but it's also terrifying.

    因為墜入愛河是如此美妙的感覺,但又同時令人膽怯。

  • The moment you admit to loving someone, you admit to having a lot to lose,

    當你允許自己愛上某人時,也同時下定決心失去許多東西,

  • and it's true that these questions do provide a mechanism for getting to know someone quickly,

    而這些問題確實提供了一種機制,得以快速認識某人

  • which is also a mechanism for being known, and I think this is the thing that most of us really want from love:

    同時也快速地被認識,所以我認為這是我們大部分人 希望從愛情中獲得的東西:

  • To be known, to be seen, to be understood.

    被認識、被看見、被瞭解。

  • But I think when it comes to love, we are too willing to accept the short version of the story.

    但我想當我們談到愛情時,都太想要接受短版的故事。

  • The version of the story that asks, "Are you still together?" and is content with a yes or no answer.

    「你們還在一起嗎?」 這個問題的故事版本,

  • and is content with a yes or no answer.

    只能用一個是或不是的答案來滿足。

  • So rather than that question, I would propose we ask some more difficult questions, questions like:

    所以與其這個問題,我會建議問一些更難的問題, 像是:

  • "How do you decide who deserves your love and who does not?"

    你如何決定誰值得你去愛,而誰不值得?

  • "How do you stay in love when things get difficult, and how do you know when to just cut and run?"

    你如何在事情不順利時維持愛情,還有如何知道何時要落荒而逃?

  • How do you live with the doubt that inevitably creeps into every relationship?" or even harder,

    還有你如何與無可避免會悄悄溜進 每一段關係的懷疑共處? 或是更難的問題,

  • "How do you live with your partner's doubt?"

    你如何和對方的懷疑共處?

  • I don't necessarily know the answers to these questions,

    我不一定要知道這所有問題的解答,

  • but I think they're an important start at having a more thoughtful conversation about what it means to love someone.

    但我認為要讓對於愛上某人的意義 這件事情有更深入的對談,這些問題會是很重要的開始。

  • So, if you want it, the short version of the story of my relationship is this:

    所以,如果你真的想知道,我戀情的短版故事是:

  • A year ago, an acquaintance and I did a study designed to create romantic love, and we fell in love, and we are still together, and I am so glad.

    一年前,我和一位友人做了這項為創造愛情設計的研究, 而我們愛上對方, 現在也還在一起, 而且我非常開心。

  • But falling in love is not the same thing as staying in love.

    但墜入愛河不等同於維持愛情。

  • Falling in love is the easy part.

    墜入愛河只是簡單的部分。

  • So at the end of my article, I wrote, "Love didn't happen to us. We're in love because we each made the choice to be."

    所以在文章的最後,我寫著: 「愛情並不是碰巧在我們身上發生。我們相愛是因為我們都選擇這麼做。」

  • And I cringe a little when I read that now, not because it isn't true,

    而現在讀到這句話讓我有點難為情,不是因為這並非事實,

  • but because at the time, I really hadn't considered everything that was contained in that choice.

    而是因為在那時候,我並沒有真正想到 這個選擇所包含的每一件事。

  • I didn't consider how many times we would each have to make that choice,

    我並沒有想到,有多少次 我們必須做出這個選擇,

  • and how many times I will continue to have to make that choice without knowing whether or not he will always choose me.

    未來有多少次我必須 繼續做出這樣的選擇,儘管不知道對方是否總是會選擇我。

  • I want it to be enough to have asked and answered 36 questions,

    我多希望問出並回答那36個問題,

  • and to have chosen to love someone so generous and kind and fun and to have broadcast that choice in the biggest newspaper in America.

    選擇一個如此慷慨、體貼、有趣的人,然後在全美最大的報紙上廣播 這個決定,一切就已足夠。

  • But what I have done instead is turn my relationship into the kind of myth I don't quite believe in.

    但我最後做的卻是將我的戀情轉化為 那種我不太相信的神話。

  • And what I want, what perhaps I will spend my life wanting, is for that myth to be true.

    而我想要的、可能會終其一生追求的,卻是讓那個神話成真。

  • I want the happy ending implied by the title to my article, which is, incidentally, the only part of the article that I didn't actually write.

    我想要文章標題暗示的那個完美結局,也就是,順帶一提, 唯一我沒有真正寫在文章裡的部分。 (笑聲)

  • But what I have instead is the chance to make the choice to love someone, and the hope that he will choose to love me back,

    但取而代之的,我擁有的是 做出選擇愛誰的機會,還有他也會愛我的希望,

  • and it is terrifying, but that's the deal with love.

    這令人感到害怕,但愛情就是這麼一回事。

  • Thank you.

    謝謝各位。

I published this article in the New York Times Modern Love column in January of this year.

這篇文章是我今年一月在《紐約時報》的 《現代愛情》專欄發表的。

字幕與單字
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影片操作 你可以在這邊進行「影片」的調整,以及「字幕」的顯示

A2 初級 中文 美國腔 TED 愛情 文章 問題 愛河 研究

【TED】曼蒂‧蘭‧卡朗: 愛情難的不是墜入愛河,而是… (Falling in love is the easy part | Mandy Len Catron)

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    羅紹桀 發佈於 2015 年 11 月 23 日
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