"To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This."

And the article is about a psychological study designed to create romantic love in the laboratory,

這篇文章是在寫一個設計來在實驗室裡創造浪漫愛情的心理研究，

and my own experience trying the study myself one night last summer.

還有我自己進行這項研究的經驗， 就在去年夏天的某個晚上。

So the procedure is fairly simple:

這個研究的步驟頗為簡單：

Two strangers take turns asking each other 36 increasingly personal questions and then they stare into each other's eyes without speaking for four minutes.

兩個陌生人輪流問對方 36 個循序漸進的私人問題， 然後注視著對方的雙眼， 維持四分鐘完全不交談。

So here are a couple of sample questions.

這裡有一些範例題目。

Number 12: If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

第 12 題：如果你明天醒來時 可以獲得任何特質或能力， 你會希望是什麼？

Number 28: When did you last cry in front of another person? Or by yourself?

第 28 題：上一次你在別人面前哭泣是在何時？上次獨自哭泣又是何時？

As you can see, they really do get more personal as they go along.

如你們所見，這些問題真的越問越私人。

Number 30, I really like this one: Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things you might not say to someone you just met.

第 30 題，這個我很喜歡： 告訴對方，你喜歡他們的哪些部分； 這次請試著非常誠實， 說一些你可能不會對初次見面的人說的事情。

So when I first came across this study a few years earlier, one detail really stuck out to me,

所以幾年前當我第一次接觸這個研究時，有一件事情令我印象深刻，

and that was the rumor that two of the participants had gotten married six months later, and they'd invited the entire lab to the ceremony.

就是有個傳聞，說有兩個受測者在進行測試的六個月之後結婚了，而且還邀請整個實驗室的人參加婚禮。

So I was of course very skeptical about this process of just manufacturing romantic love, but of course I was intrigued.

所以我當然非常懷疑這個就這麼製造浪漫愛情的過程， 但當然我也非常好奇。

And when I got the chance to try this study myself, with someone I knew but not particularly well, I wasn't expecting to fall in love.

而當我有機會自己測試這項研究時， 我找了一個認識但不很熟的人，而我不認為我們會墜入愛河。

But then we did, and --

但最後我們的確有，而且--

And I thought it made a good story, so I sent it to the Modern Love column a few months later.

而且我認為我們創造了不錯的故事， 所以我就在那幾個月之後把它寄給《現代愛情》專欄。

Now, this was published in January, and now it is August, so I'm guessing that some of you are probably wondering, are we still together?

這篇文章在一月時刊出， 而現在是八月， 所以我想你們大概在想，我們還在一起嗎？

And the reason I think you might be wondering this is because I have been asked this question again and again and again for the past seven months.

我覺得你們大概在想這件事的原因， 是因為在過去七個月以來， 我已經一次又一次又一次地被問這個問題了。

And this question is really what I want to talk about today.

而這正是我今天想談論的事情。

But let's come back to it.

但我們之後再回到這個問題。

So the week before the article came out, I was very nervous.

所以在那篇文章刊出前，我非常地緊張。

I had been working on a book about love stories for the past few years, so I had gotten used to writing about my own experiences with romantic love on my blog.

我一直在寫一本關於愛情故事的書， 已經好幾年了，所以已經很習慣在部落格上寫一些自己的愛情經驗。

But a blog post might get a couple hundred views at the most, and those were usually just my Facebook friends,

但部落格文章頂多有幾百個瀏覽數，而且那些通常只是臉書上的朋友，

and I figured my article in the New York Times would probably get a few thousand views.

而我估算在《紐約時報》上的文章可能會有幾千個瀏覽數。

And that felt like a lot of attention on a relatively new relationship.

這感覺是有很多眼睛在盯著一段相對新的愛情關係。

But as it turned out, I had no idea.

但事情的結果是，我大錯特錯。

So the article was published online on a Friday evening, and by Saturday, this had happened to the traffic on my blog.

那篇文章在網路上刊出， 是在一個週五的晚上， 而到週六時，我的部落格已經出現這樣的湧入量，而到週六時，我的部落格已經出現這樣的湧入量。

And by Sunday, both the Today Show and Good Morning America had called.

而到週日時，《今日秀》 和《早安美國》都打電話給我。

Within a month, the article would receive over 8 million views, and I was, to say the least, underprepared for this sort of attention.

在一個月內，那篇文章已經超過 800 萬次瀏覽， 而我，簡而言之，並沒有做好面對這麼多關注的準備。

It's one thing to work up the confidence to write honestly about your experiences with love,

提起信心真實地寫出自己的戀愛經驗是一回事，

but it is another thing to discover that your love life has made international news,

但發現你的愛情生活已經變成國際新聞則是另一回事。

and to realize that people across the world are genuinely invested in the status of your new relationship.

還有發現全世界的人 真的非常投入在你新戀情的狀態。

And when people called or emailed, which they did every day for weeks, they always asked the same question first:

而當人們打電話或寄信給你， 連續好幾週這種事情每天都發生，他們總是先問一樣的問題：

they always asked the same question first, "Are you guys still together?"

而當人們打電話或寄信給你， 連續好幾週這種事情每天都發生，他們總是先問一樣的問題：

In fact, as I was preparing this talk, I did a quick search of my email inbox for the phrase "Are you still together?" and several messages popped up immediately.

你們還在一起嗎?事實上，在準備這場演說時， 我快速搜尋了電子郵件的收件匣， 尋找「你們還在一起嗎?」的關鍵字，

They were from students and journalists and friendly strangers like this one.

立即跳出許多搜尋結果。這些信來自學生、專欄作家、

I did radio interviews and they asked.

還有像這個友善的陌生人。

I even gave a talk, and one woman shouted up to the stage, "Hey Mandy, where's your boyfriend?"

我做廣播訪談的時候，他們也問了。我在演講時，甚至 有位女士對著講台大喊：

And I promptly turned bright red.

「嘿，曼蒂，你的男朋友在哪裡？」

I understand that this is part of the deal.

我馬上漲紅了臉。

If you write about your relationship in an international newspaper, you should expect people to feel comfortable asking about it.

我瞭解這有點像是交易條件的一部份，當你在一間國際報社 寫出自己的戀情時，

But I just wasn't prepared for the scope of the response.

就該預期大家會很自在地問這個問題。

The 36 questions seem to have taken on a life of their own.

但我就是沒準備好 面對這種規模的回應。

In fact, the New York Times published a follow-up article for Valentine's Day,

這36個問題似乎已經 活出各自的生命了。事實上，《紐約時報》之後 還刊出了一篇後續文章，

which featured readers' experiences of trying the study themselves, with varying degrees of success.

就在情人節的時候，針對一些讀者自己進行測試的經驗，

So my first impulse in the face of all of this attention was to become very protective of my own relationship.

和各種不同成功程度的結果。所以面臨這一切關注，我的直覺反應

I said no to every request for the two of us to do a media appearance together.

是變得非常保護自己的戀情。我拒絕每一個邀請我們兩個

I turned down TV interviews, and I said no to every request for photos of the two us.

一起在媒體上露面的請求。我取消了電視訪談、

I think I was afraid that we would become inadvertent icons for the process of falling in love, a position I did not at all feel qualified for.

拒絕每一個希望能有我們合照的請求。我想我是在怕我們會不小心成為 這個讓人墜如愛河程序的象徵，

And I get it:

而我認為自己並不具備這個條件。

people didn't just want to know if the study worked, they wanted to know if it really worked:

我也懂啦：大家不只想知道這個研究是否可行，

That is, if it was capable of producing love that would last, not just a fling, but real love, sustainable love.

他們還想知道它的成果是否真的成功：也就是，它是否能 製造可以長久的愛情，

But this was a question I didn't feel capable of answering.

不只是一時的，而是真正的愛情， 可以持續下去的愛情。

My own relationship was only a few months old, and I felt like people were asking the wrong question in the first place.

但這不是個我自認有能力回答的問題。我自己的戀情才開始幾個月，

What would knowing whether or not we were still together really tell them?

而我覺得大家好像 一開始就問錯問題了。

If the answer was no, would it make the experience of doing these 36 questions any less worthwhile?

我們還在一起與否， 能真正說明什麼呢？如果答案是否定的， 這是否會讓做這36個問題的實驗

Dr. Arthur Aron first wrote about these questions in this study here in 1997, and here, the researcher's goal was not to produce romantic love.

看起來沒那麼有價值？亞瑟‧艾倫博士第一次寫出這些問題， 是在1997年的這篇研究裡，

Instead, they wanted to foster interpersonal closeness among college students,

而在此，研究員的目的 並不是製造浪漫愛情，而是想培養

by using what Aron called "Sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personalistic self-disclosure."

大學生彼此之間的親密，透過艾倫所說的

Sounds romantic, doesn't it?

「永續、增進、互惠、 人格上的自我揭露」

But the study did work.

聽起來很浪漫，不是嗎？

The participants did feel closer after doing it,

但那研究確實有用。

and several subsequent studies have also used Aron's fast friends protocol as a way to quickly create trust and intimacy between strangers.

受測者在測試後感覺彼此更緊密了，而後來的幾個研究 也用艾倫的「快速交友模式」

They've used it between members of the police and members of community, and they've used it between people of opposing political ideologies.

做為快速建立陌生人之間 信任和親密的方式，他們將它用在警察成員之間、 社區成員之間，

The original version of the story, the one that I tried last summer, that pairs the personal questions with four minutes of eye contact,

還用在政治意識形態 彼此對立的人之間。這個故事的初始版本， 也就是我去年夏天嘗試的版本，

was referenced in this article, but unfortunately it was never published.

彼此問私人問題和 四分鐘眼神接觸的版本，是參考自這篇文章的，

So a few months ago, I was giving a talk at a small liberal arts college,

可惜的是它從來沒有被發表。所以幾個月前， 我在一間小型的人文教育大學

and a student came up to me afterwards and he said, kind of shyly, "So, I tried your study, and it didn't work."

演說的時候，一個學生演講後跑來找我， 他有點害羞地說：

He seemed a little mystified by this.

「我試了你的研究，但沒有成功。」

"You mean, you didn't fall in love with the person you did it with?" I asked.

他看起來對此有點困惑。

"Well..." He paused.

「你是說，你並沒有和對方 墜入愛河嗎？」我問他。

"I think she just wants to be friends."

「嗯...」他停頓了一下。

"But did you become better friends?" I asked.

「我想她只想和我當朋友。」

"Did you feel like you got to really know each other after doing the study?"

「但你們有變成更好的朋友嗎？」我問，

He nodded.

「你們有覺得在實驗過後 變得真正瞭解對方嗎？」

"So, then it worked," I said.

他點頭。

I don't think this is the answer he was looking for.

「所以，那有成功啊。」我說。

In fact, I don't think this is the answer that any of us are looking for when it comes to love.

我想這應該不是他想要的答案。事實上，我不認為在談論愛情時，

I first came across this study when I was 29 and I was going through a really difficult breakup.

這是大家想要的答案。我29歲時第一次接觸這個研究 當時我正經歷一次非常痛苦的分手。

I had been in the relationship since I was 20, which was basically my entire adult life,

那段戀情從我20歲就開始了，基本上是我整個成年人生，

and he was my first real love, and I had no idea how or if I could make a life without him.

而他是我的第一個真愛，沒有他，我不知道該如何活下去、 不知道我能否活下去。

So I turned to science.

所以我轉向科學尋求答案，

I researched everything I could find about the science of romantic love, and I think I was hoping that it might somehow inoculate me from heartache.

我研究了所有我能找到的、 關於愛情的科學，而我想我當時希望的是 它能讓我免於心碎。

I don't know if I realized this at the time.

我不知道當時我是否意識到這點 --

I thought I was just doing research for this book I was writing, but it seems really obvious in retrospect.

我以為我只是在為 正在寫的這本書進行研究 --但事後回想其實還滿明顯的。

I hoped that if I armed myself with the knowledge of romantic love, I might never have to feel as terrible and lonely as I did then.

我希望如果用愛情的知識來武裝自己，或許就不會再次感到如此糟糕和孤單。

And all this knowledge has been useful in some ways.

某種程度上這些知識確實有用。

I am more patient with love. I am more relaxed.

對於愛情，我更有耐心、也更加放鬆。

I am more confident about asking for what I want.

我更有信心追求我想要的。

But I can also see myself more clearly, and I can see that what I want is sometimes more than can reasonably be asked for.

但我也能更清楚地看見自己，也可以瞭解有時自己想要的， 比能夠合理要求的更多。

What I want from love is a guarantee, not just that I am loved today and that I will be loved tomorrow,

我希望從愛情中得到的，是個保證，不是只有今天被愛著， 或是明天仍然被愛著，

but that I will continue to be loved by the person I love indefinitely.

而是能夠持續地被我愛著的人愛著， 不管那個人是誰。

Maybe it's this possibility of a guarantee that people were really asking about when they wanted to know if we were still together.

或許這種保證的機會有多大，就是人們在問我們是否仍在一起時 真正想知道的答案。

So the story that the media told about the 36 questions was that there might be a shortcut to falling in love.

所以關於這36個問題， 媒體想說的故事是可能有種能讓人墜如愛河的捷徑。

There might be a way to somehow mitigate some of the risk involved, and this is a very appealing story,

可能有種方法， 某種程度上可以降低其中的風險，而這會是個非常吸引人的故事，

because falling in love feels amazing, but it's also terrifying.

因為墜入愛河是如此美妙的感覺，但又同時令人膽怯。

The moment you admit to loving someone, you admit to having a lot to lose,

當你允許自己愛上某人時，也同時下定決心失去許多東西，

and it's true that these questions do provide a mechanism for getting to know someone quickly,

而這些問題確實提供了一種機制，得以快速認識某人

which is also a mechanism for being known, and I think this is the thing that most of us really want from love:

同時也快速地被認識，所以我認為這是我們大部分人 希望從愛情中獲得的東西：

To be known, to be seen, to be understood.

被認識、被看見、被瞭解。

But I think when it comes to love, we are too willing to accept the short version of the story.

但我想當我們談到愛情時，都太想要接受短版的故事。

The version of the story that asks, "Are you still together?" and is content with a yes or no answer.

「你們還在一起嗎?」 這個問題的故事版本，

and is content with a yes or no answer.

只能用一個是或不是的答案來滿足。

So rather than that question, I would propose we ask some more difficult questions, questions like:

所以與其這個問題，我會建議問一些更難的問題， 像是：

"How do you decide who deserves your love and who does not?"

你如何決定誰值得你去愛，而誰不值得？

"How do you stay in love when things get difficult, and how do you know when to just cut and run?"

你如何在事情不順利時維持愛情，還有如何知道何時要落荒而逃?

How do you live with the doubt that inevitably creeps into every relationship?" or even harder,

還有你如何與無可避免會悄悄溜進 每一段關係的懷疑共處？ 或是更難的問題，

"How do you live with your partner's doubt?"

你如何和對方的懷疑共處？

I don't necessarily know the answers to these questions,

我不一定要知道這所有問題的解答，

but I think they're an important start at having a more thoughtful conversation about what it means to love someone.

但我認為要讓對於愛上某人的意義 這件事情有更深入的對談，這些問題會是很重要的開始。

So, if you want it, the short version of the story of my relationship is this:

所以，如果你真的想知道，我戀情的短版故事是：

A year ago, an acquaintance and I did a study designed to create romantic love, and we fell in love, and we are still together, and I am so glad.

一年前，我和一位友人做了這項為創造愛情設計的研究， 而我們愛上對方， 現在也還在一起， 而且我非常開心。

But falling in love is not the same thing as staying in love.

但墜入愛河不等同於維持愛情。

Falling in love is the easy part.

墜入愛河只是簡單的部分。

So at the end of my article, I wrote, "Love didn't happen to us. We're in love because we each made the choice to be."

所以在文章的最後，我寫著： 「愛情並不是碰巧在我們身上發生。我們相愛是因為我們都選擇這麼做。」

And I cringe a little when I read that now, not because it isn't true,

而現在讀到這句話讓我有點難為情，不是因為這並非事實，

but because at the time, I really hadn't considered everything that was contained in that choice.

而是因為在那時候，我並沒有真正想到 這個選擇所包含的每一件事。

I didn't consider how many times we would each have to make that choice,

我並沒有想到，有多少次 我們必須做出這個選擇，

and how many times I will continue to have to make that choice without knowing whether or not he will always choose me.

未來有多少次我必須 繼續做出這樣的選擇，儘管不知道對方是否總是會選擇我。

I want it to be enough to have asked and answered 36 questions,

我多希望問出並回答那36個問題，

and to have chosen to love someone so generous and kind and fun and to have broadcast that choice in the biggest newspaper in America.

選擇一個如此慷慨、體貼、有趣的人，然後在全美最大的報紙上廣播 這個決定，一切就已足夠。

But what I have done instead is turn my relationship into the kind of myth I don't quite believe in.

但我最後做的卻是將我的戀情轉化為 那種我不太相信的神話。

And what I want, what perhaps I will spend my life wanting, is for that myth to be true.

而我想要的、可能會終其一生追求的，卻是讓那個神話成真。

I want the happy ending implied by the title to my article, which is, incidentally, the only part of the article that I didn't actually write.

我想要文章標題暗示的那個完美結局，也就是，順帶一提， 唯一我沒有真正寫在文章裡的部分。 (笑聲)

But what I have instead is the chance to make the choice to love someone, and the hope that he will choose to love me back,

但取而代之的，我擁有的是 做出選擇愛誰的機會，還有他也會愛我的希望，

and it is terrifying, but that's the deal with love.

這令人感到害怕，但愛情就是這麼一回事。

Thank you.

謝謝各位。