because you don't need anybody else to make yourself happy.

因為你不需要其他人來讓你快樂。

(upbeat music)

（歡快的音樂）

Hey everyone, my name is Matt Bellassai and this is Whine About It.

大家好，我是 Matt Bellassai，歡迎收看《Whine About It》。

A weekly video series where I get drunk at my desk and complain about stuff.

在這個一週系列的影片裡，我都會在我的辦公桌上邊喝酒邊抱怨生活瑣事。

On this week's episode The Worst Types of Roommates.

這個禮拜我們要聊的主題是「地雷室友大盤點」。

Let's drink.

開喝吧！

(upbeat music)

（歡快的音樂）

Mmm, that's not too bad.

嗯，還可以。

Okay.

差不多了。

All right, first of all there's always that one roommate who never takes out the garbage.

首先，總是有這種不倒垃圾的室友。

You think this is some kind of game?

你覺得這很好玩嗎？

You think this is some kind of garbage game?

我們在玩垃圾遊戲嗎？

where if you pile your tower of shame tall enough

當你把羞恥之塔（垃圾）堆積到一定的高度，

a little garbage fairy will come and take all your garbage away,

垃圾小精靈就會飛來然後把你的垃圾處理掉，

little garbage fairy will just come and gobble up all your garbage?

垃圾小精靈會適時出現然後吞掉你所有的垃圾？

Guess what, the garbage fairy, it's me,

你知道嗎，那個垃圾小精靈就是我，

it's me who's the garbage fairy.

我就是那個垃圾小精靈！

I take out all the (bleep) garbage all the time,

每一次都是我把（消音）垃圾拿去倒，

and that's why I use your toothbrush to scrub the toilet

這也是為什麼我都拿你的牙刷去刷馬桶

and I get in there deep.

而且賣力地往深處刷。

Then, there's that roommate she's always in there with her boyfriend

還有一種室友，她總是跟她男朋友黏踢踢，

and they're just bumping uglies way too loud all the time.

還一直發出又吵又噁心的聲音，

Congrats on all the sex you're having, I'm so happy for you

啊不就恭喜你有美滿的性生活，我真的很為你高興，

but if I have to hear you shouting the lyrics to Ave Maria while you're in there stirring your potato salad

但是如果我非得承受你每次打炮都讚頌聖母瑪利亞的轟炸，

while I'm trying to watch The Real Housewives

而我剛好在看《比利佛嬌妻》的話，

I'm gonna spit in your box of Special K with Red Berries,

我會吐口水在你家樂氏草莓香脆麥米片裡，

again, I'm gonna spit right in it.

再說一次，我會狠狠地吐口水進去。

You know that sound that it makes when you stir up a cold potato salad?

你知道攪拌冰冷的馬鈴薯沙拉的聲音是哪種聲音嗎？

That's the sound it makes, like two wet slugs just rammin'.

就像是兩條濕濕的鼻涕蟲攪在一起。

Then, there's the one roommate who thinks it's okay to eat my food right out of the fridge,

還有一種室友，堂而皇之偷吃別人冰在冰箱裡的東西，

like I'm not even gonna notice.

好像我根本不會發現一樣。

If you think for a second that I don't count every stick of the sweet potato fries that are in the fridge

如果你覺得我不會去數冰在冰箱裡面的地瓜條有幾根的話，

you're out of your (bleep) damn mind.

你就真的是太天真了。

Food is like my children.

食物就像是我的小孩。

Food is like my babies.

食物就像是我的心肝寶貝。

You think it's okay to just come into my fridge and eat my babies,

你覺得打開我的冰箱吃我心肝寶貝是合理的嗎？

eat up all my little babies?

吃掉我所有可愛的心肝寶貝？

Every time someone eats my food

只要有人吃我的食物，

I reserve the right to punch 'em right in the kidney,

我有打爆他們腎臟的權利。

It's in the Constitution, look it up.

憲法保障了我這項權利，自己去找。

That's what our Founding Fathers said.

這是我們的國父說的。

They didn't even have two kidneys then,

他們那時候甚至沒有兩個腎，

all of them only had one.

所有人都只有一個。

Benjamin Franklin, one kidney.

班傑明．富蘭克林只有一個腎臟。

That's why it was so important to them.

這就是為什麼腎臟對他們來說很重要。

Then, there's that one roommate who just never does the dishes.

下一個，從來不洗碗的室友！

They just let 'em pile up in a whole wet, crusty mess.

他們就讓那些碗盤堆得亂七八糟。

"Oh, I forgot," that's what they say.

他們的口頭禪永遠是「噢，我忘記了」。

"Oh, I just forgot to do the dishes."

「噢，我剛好忘記要洗碗。」

Oh, you just forgot for three months straight

噢對，你就這麼剛好忘記了整整三個月。

while that family of squirrels moved in under that pot that you couldn't scrub for 20 seconds.

就因為你不願意花 20 秒作清理，松鼠全家都搬到那鍋子下面住了！

Maybe I'll just forget not to tell everybody about that thing I saw you doing in the bathroom with the bottle of mustard.

也許我也會剛好忘記不能告訴大家我看到你在廁所「使用」黃芥末罐。

What if I just didn't forget that, is that what you want?

如果我剛好沒忘記這件事，這是你想要的嗎？

Is that what you want?

這是你想要的嗎？

You want me to just not forget that and tell everybody about the bottle of mustard?

你希望我記得這件事然後告訴大家你對黃芥末罐做了什麼事？

Also, why are there so many (bleep) damn pubes on your bar of soap?

還有，為什麼你的肥皂上有這麼多陰毛？

What are you doing down there?

你到底對肥皂做了什麼？

What are you doing to yourself?

你對你自己做了什麼？

Show some respect.

給我放尊重點！

I don't even know how you use that soap to get clean.

我真的不知道你怎麼用那塊肥皂洗澡。

That looks like an angry hedgehog.

它看起來就像是個生氣的刺蝟。

It's just in there growling back at me,

好像在對我咆哮一樣，

it's looking me right in the face

牠就這樣臉對臉的看著我，

with its two furry little eyes, furrowing it's pubey brow.

用牠那小小的雙眼，還皺著新生的眉毛。

Also, roommates who terrorize my Netflix suggestions

還有那些搗亂我的 Netflix 演算法的室友！

'cause they go in there and they watch all their shitty dumb shows.

就因為他們點進去看那些爛死人又愚蠢的東西！

It's all garbage...what they watch.

他們看的全是垃圾。

And, I'm getting suggestions for some crime watching goat detective mystery

害我一直被 Netflix 推薦什麼山羊探長打擊犯罪的爛偵探懸疑劇，

all because you watched 30 seconds of some shit on my Netflix account.

就因為你們用我的帳號看了 30 秒的垃圾影片！

I don't want that, I don't want that on my Netflix account.

我一點都不想在我的 Netflix 裡看到那些東西。

Also, any roommate who deletes a single second off of my DVR.

還有那些刪我數位影像錄影主機（DVR）影片的室友。

My DVR is like a sandwich.

我的 DVR 就像是一塊三明治。

I picked out all the meats, and all cheeses, and all the breads

我好不容易挑出所有的肉、起司還有麵包，留下最精華的部分，

and it's like you came in here you just took a big, old pee right on it.

結果你就直接進來然後撒了一泡又大又急的尿在上面。

You peed on my sandwich, my DVR sandwich.

你尿在我的三明治上，我的 DVR 三明治。

That's why everyone should live by themselves,

這就是為什麼每個人應該自己生活。

no roommates.

不需要室友的存在。

Okay, okay, okay?

好嗎？你說對吧？

All right everybody, thank you for watching this week.

好了，謝謝你們這禮拜的收看。

As always, you can find our videos every week on WhineAboutIt.tumblr.com, on my Facebook page

跟往常一樣，你可以去我的官網 WhineAboutIt.tumblr.com 或我的 Facebook 粉絲團看我每週更新的影片，

which is Facebook.com/BuzzFeedMatt.

我 Facebook 粉絲團的網址是 Facebook.com/BuzzFeedMatt。

That's it, that's everything.

就這樣，我說完了。

(upbeat music)

(輕快的音樂)

Everyone's always like, "Matt, what do you do at work when you're done?"

大家經常問我：「Matt，你上班做完工作之後都在幹嘛？」

Nothing.

什麼都沒做。