字幕列表 影片播放 列印所有字幕 列印翻譯字幕 列印英文字幕 I published this article 我發表了一篇文章, in the New York Times Modern Love column in January of this year. 在今年一月的紐約時報的現代愛情觀專欄 "To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This." "想跟任何人談戀愛,這麼做就對了." And the article is about a psychological study 這是篇有關心理學的研究, designed to create romantic love in the laboratory, 在實驗室裡設計如何創造出浪漫的愛情. and my own experience trying the study myself 而且我也親身嘗試, one night last summer. 就在去年某個晚上. So the procedure is fairly simple: 整個過程很簡單, two strangers take turns asking each other 36 increasingly personal questions 由兩個陌生人輪流互問36個漸趨隱私的問題, and then they stare into each other's eyes 然後他們凝視著彼此的眼睛, without speaking for four minutes. 四分鐘內都不再交談. So here are a couple of sample questions. 我在這兒舉出幾個問題範例: Number 12: If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, 第12題:如果你明天醒來就能擁有一種特質或是能力, what would it be? 你會希望是什麼呢? Number 28: When did you last cry in front of another person? 第28題:上次你在別人面前哭是什麼時候? By yourself? 自己一個人哭呢? As you can see, they really do get more personal as they go along. 如你所見,這些問題的趨向愈來愈貼近個人私密. Number 30, I really like this one: 我喜歡第30題 Tell your partner what you like about them; 告訴對方你喜歡他們什麼. be very honest this time, 但必須得誠實, saying things you might not say to someone you just met. 說出你平常對剛認識的人不大會說的話. So when I first came across this study a few years earlier, 話說當我早些年剛接觸這個研究時, one detail really stuck out to me, 有個小插曲讓我特別注意, and that was the rumor that two of the participants 傳說有兩位參與計劃的對象, had gotten married six months later, 在六個月後結婚了. and they'd invited the entire lab to the ceremony. 他們也邀請了整個實驗團隊去參加婚禮, So I was of course very skeptical 我當然覺得很質疑, about this process of just manufacturing romantic love, 因為這只不過是刻意製造浪漫愛情的手法. but of course I was intrigued. 然而,我也被此吸引住了. And when I got the chance to try this study myself, 當我獲得親身參與這項研究的機會, with someone I knew but not particularly well, 並且是跟一位認識但不熟的對象進行實驗, I wasn't expecting to fall in love. 我原不覺得會墜入情網. But then we did, and -- 但是,我們真的相愛了,而且..... (Laughter) (笑聲) And I thought it made a good story, so I sent it to the Modern Love column 而且我覺得是個很棒的故事,就把它寄給現代愛情觀專欄. a few months later. 幾個月後, Now, this was published in January, 現在,這篇故事在一月被刊登出來, and now it is August, 如今已到了八月, so I'm guessing that some of you are probably wondering, 我想你們當中有些人不禁猜測, are we still together? 我們還在一起嗎? And the reason I think you might be wondering this 而之所以認為你們會猜測, is because I have been asked this question 是因為我為了這件事, again and again and again for the past seven months. 在過去七個月當中,一再的被詢問, And this question is really what I want to talk about today. 所以今天我要好好談談這個問題. But let's come back to it. 不過讓我們先回歸到文章本身. (Laughter) (笑聲) So the week before the article came out, 在文章出刊前這禮拜, I was very nervous. 我相當緊張, I had been working on a book about love stories 我過去一直在耕耘一本與愛相關的書, for the past few years, 寫了幾年時間了, so I had gotten used to writing about my own experiences 因此我很習慣於將過往的 with romantic love on my blog. 浪漫情事寫在部落格中, But a blog post might get a couple hundred views at the most, 文章登在部落格,頂多只有數百筆瀏覽率, and those were usually just my Facebook friends, 那些瀏覽者也正是我臉書的朋友. and I figured my article in the New York Times 然而,我發現倘若文章登在紐約時報上, would probably get a few thousand views. 卻可能有幾千名讀者, And that felt like a lot of attention 不但感覺被眾人關注, on a relatively new relationship. 且是個新建立的族群關係. But as it turned out, I had no idea. 不過最後的發展卻令我不知所措. So the article was published online 接著文章被刊在網路上, on a Friday evening, 是個週五晚上, and by Saturday, this had happened to the traffic on my blog. 到週六,我的部落格已經嚴重塞車, And by Sunday, both the Today Show and Good Morning America had called. 到週日時,今日秀和早安美國兩個節目都打電話給我, Within a month, the article would receive over 8 million views, 在一個月內,文章已被瀏覽超過八百萬次, and I was, to say the least, 我當時,就算保守的說吧, underprepared for this sort of attention. 也完全沒心理準備會被如此大肆關注. It's one thing to work up the confidence to write honestly 要如實詳述須得鼓起極大自信, about your experiences with love, 何況又是關於愛的經歷. but it is another thing to discover 另外還發現件事, that your love life has made international news -- 你的愛情生活全成了國際新聞. (Laughter) (笑聲) and to realize that people across the world 開始意識到全世界的人, are genuinely invested in the status of your new relationship. 都全心全意投入在你最新的愛情發展中, (Laughter) (笑聲) And when people called or emailed, which they did every day for weeks, 連著幾週,無論打電話或用電郵,每天都有人這麼做, they always asked the same question first: 他們總是先問同一個問題: are you guys still together? 你們還在一起嗎? In fact, as I was preparing this talk, 事實上,當我在準備這場演講時, I did a quick search of my email inbox 我很快速地在電郵信箱裡搜尋一下, for the phrase "Are you still together?" 搜尋字串"你們還在一起嗎?" and several messages popped up immediately. 有幾個訊息馬上跳出來. They were from students and journalists 來自於學生和記者們, and friendly strangers like this one. 還有友善的陌生人就像這位. I did radio interviews and they asked. 我在電台接受訪問時他們也問. I even gave a talk, and one woman shouted up to the stage, 甚至在演講時,一位女士對著講台大聲吼道: "Hey Mandy, where's your boyfriend?" "嗨,曼蒂,妳男朋友在哪裡呀?" And I promptly turned bright red. 我馬上羞紅了臉, I understand that this is part of the deal. 我明白這是無法分割的附加條件, If you write about your relationship in an international newspaper, 如果你選擇在國際性報紙寫出自己的愛情生活, you should expect people to feel comfortable asking about it. 你就得接受別人會自然而然的追問下去. But I just wasn't prepared for the scope of the response. 但是我還沒準備好要怎麼面對群眾們這審視般的反應. The 36 questions seem to have taken on a life of their own. 這36題似乎反映出人們自己的生活, In fact, the New York Times published a follow-up article 事實上,紐約時報刊登了一篇後續的文章 for Valentine's Day, 在情人節時, which featured readers' experiences of trying the study themselves, 文章報導其他讀者親身嘗試此實驗, with varying degrees of success. 成敗結果不盡相同. So my first impulse in the face of all of this attention 因此當我承受萬眾矚目時的第一個衝動, was to become very protective of my own relationship. 就是變得非常保護自己的這段戀情. I said no to every request for the two of us 我拒絕外界提出的要求 to do a media appearance together. 要我倆一起在媒體現身. I turned down TV interviews, 我拒絕了電視訪問, and I said no to every request for photos of the two us. 也不答應提供我倆的照片, I think I was afraid that we would become 我想是因為我們害怕將成為 inadvertent icons for the process of falling in love, 不經意透過此途徑而相愛的指標性人物, a position I did not at all feel qualified for. 我自覺還不夠格擔任那角色, And I get it: 我也領悟到: people didn't just want to know if the study worked, 人們不僅想知道這個實驗有效與否, they wanted to know if it really worked: 他們更想知道到底會不會成功. that is, if it was capable of producing love that would last, 也就是說,是否這方法真能製造出持久的愛情, not just a fling, but real love, sustainable love. 非一時激情,乃是真愛,可長可久之愛, But this was a question I didn't feel capable of answering. 然而這已非我所能解答的問題了. My own relationship was only a few months old, 我的這段戀情到目前也才幾個月, and I felt like people were asking the wrong question in the first place. 我覺得大家一開始便問錯了問題, What would knowing whether or not we were still together really tell them? 就算知道我倆是否還在一起,對大家又有什麼意義呢? If the answer was no, 如果答案是否定的, would it make the experience of doing these 36 questions 難道會因此讓答完這36道題目 any less worthwhile? 顯得比較沒有價值嗎? Dr. Arthur Aron first wrote about these questions 亞瑟亞倫博士是第一位將這些問題寫出 in this study here in 1997, 在這份1997年的研究中, and here, the researcher's goal was not to produce romantic love. 在報告裡,這位研究員的目標並未設定在製造浪漫戀情, Instead, they wanted to foster 他們反而想要藉此培養出 interpersonal closeness among college students, 大學生間的人際親密感, by using what Aron called 運用亞倫所謂的 "sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personalistic self-disclosure." 可持續發展,擴大,互惠的自我人格揭露方式, Sounds romantic, doesn't it? 聽起來很浪漫是吧? But the study did work. 不過這研究確實奏效, The participants did feel closer after doing it, 參與者都感覺在之後更加親近了. and several subsequent studies have also used Aron's fast friends protocol 後繼又有幾個研究也採用亞倫的快速交友法則, as a way to quickly create trust and intimacy between strangers. 可以很快地使陌生人之間產生出信任和親密感. They've used it between members of the police and members of community, 他們已經在警察同仁和社區成員間使用此法, and they've used it between people of opposing political ideologies. 他們也將之運用於政治對立的意識形態者身上, The original version of the story, 這個故事的最初版本, the one that I tried last summer, 就是我在去年夏天所嘗試, that pairs the personal questions with four minutes of eye contact, 將私人問題與四分鐘眼神接觸相結合, was referenced in this article, 於文章中有提及, but unfortunately it was never published. 但很不幸地沒被刊登, So a few months ago, I was giving a talk 因此我在幾個月後辦的一場演講, at a small liberal arts college, 在一所小型自由藝術學院, and a student came up to me afterwards 有位學生會後來找我, and he said, kind of shyly, 他略帶羞稔的說, "So, I tried your study, and it didn't work." "呃,我試了你的方法,但是不管用" He seemed a little mystified by this. 他似乎有點迷惑, "You mean, you didn't fall in love with the person you did it with?" I asked. "你是說,你沒愛上對方是嗎?"我問他 "Well..." He paused. "嗯...."他停了一下 "I think she just wants to be friends." "我認為她只想做朋友" "But did you become better friends?" I asked. "但是,你們是否因此成為更好的朋友呢?"我問他 "Did you feel like you got to really know each other after doing the study?" "你們是否在之後更加想要了解彼此呢?" He nodded. 他點點頭. "So, then it worked," I said. "所以說有效囉"我說 I don't think this is the answer he was looking for. 我想這不是他尋求的答案, In fact, I don't think this is the answer that any of us are looking for 事實上,我認為這也不是任何人所追尋的答案, when it comes to love. 就愛情而言. I first came across this study 我第一次接觸這個研究 when I was 29 是在29歲的時候, and I was going through a really difficult breakup. 我那時正經歷了一場艱困的分手, I had been in the relationship since I was 20, 我20歲就開始跟一個人交往, which was basically my entire adult life, 基本上成年後,生活裏都只有他, and he was my first real love, 他是我真正的初戀, and I had no idea how or if I could make a life without him. 如果沒有他,我甚至不知該如何,或是否能夠 活下去, So I turned to science. 於是我求助於科學, I researched everything I could find about the science of romantic love, 我搜尋所有與浪漫之愛相關的學問. and I think I was hoping that it might somehow inoculate me from heartache. 我想,當時的我或許希望這是可醫治心痛的疫苗, I don't know if I realized this at the time -- 不知道那時自己究竟瞭不瞭解, I thought I was just doing research for this book I was writing -- 當時還以為只是為了寫書找找研究資料, but it seems really obvious in retrospect. 回想起來目的卻似乎如此明顯, I hoped that if I armed myself with the knowledge of romantic love, 我希望用浪漫愛情的知識把自己武裝起來, I might never have to feel as terrible and lonely as I did then. 這樣就不會覺得那麼悲慘孤單, And all this knowledge has been useful in some ways. 這些知識的確在某些方面有所幫助, I am more patient with love. I am more relaxed. 我對愛情比較寬容,也感覺釋懷了, I am more confident about asking for what I want. 更有自信追求真正想要的事物, But I can also see myself more clearly, 不過也因此更明確地認清自己, and I can see that what I want is sometimes more 知道自己有時想要更多, than can reasonably be asked for. 不僅僅是一般的要求, What I want from love is a guarantee, 我真正想從愛情上得到的,是一份保證, not just that I am loved today 不僅今天被愛, and that I will be loved tomorrow, 明天一樣還是被愛, but that I will continue to be loved by the person I love indefinitely. 一直被我所愛的人無止盡地愛著, Maybe it's this possibility of a guarantee 而探究這份保證的存在性, that people were really asking about 其實才是大家不斷追問 when they wanted to know if we were still together. 是否我倆還在一起的真正動機, So the story that the media told about the 36 questions 媒體告訴群眾36個問題這篇故事, was that there might be a shortcut to falling in love. 透露出或許墜入情網是有捷徑的, There might be a way to somehow mitigate some of the risk involved, 也有方法降低可能要冒的風險, and this is a very appealing story, 除此,這篇文章本就動人, because falling in love feels amazing, 因為墜入情網總令人驚喜, but it's also terrifying. 另一方面,也很嚇人的是, The moment you admit to loving someone, 當你承認愛上某人的同時, you admit to having a lot to lose, 你也允許了即將失去很多, and it's true that these questions do provide a mechanism 確實,這些問題提供了一些機制, for getting to know someone quickly, 可以很快地了解別人, which is also a mechanism for being known, 透過這機制,自己也得以被了解, and I think this is the thing that most of us really want from love: 我想這是絕大多數人對愛情的渴求: to be known, to be seen, to be understood. 被認識,被看見,被了解 But I think when it comes to love, 然而一旦涉及愛情, we are too willing to accept the short version of the story. 我們太想聽到短篇故事的版本, The version of the story that asks, "Are you still together?" 短到只問"你們還在一起嗎?" and is content with a yes or no answer. 聽到"是"或"否"就滿意了, So rather than that question, 所以與其執著於這一點, I would propose we ask some more difficult questions, 我建議大家不如問些難點的問題, questions like: 問題像是: How do you decide who deserves your love 你怎麼決定誰值得愛呢? and who does not? 那誰又不值得愛? How do you stay in love when things get difficult, 感情發生難題時,該如何維繫關係呢? and how do you know when to just cut and run? 什麼時候該割捨並毅然離去? How do you live with the doubt 該怎麼處理感情裏的疑慮 that inevitably creeps into every relationship, 常冷不防地滲透進親密關係? or even harder, 或更甚者, how do you live with your partner's doubt? 你的另一半對你產生懷疑時該怎麼辦? I don't necessarily know the answers to these questions, 我也不盡然能夠回答這些疑惑, but I think they're an important start at having a more thoughtful conversation 但是我知道這些問題能夠引出更有深度的對話, about what it means to love someone. 就如何相愛的層面來賦予實質意義. So, if you want it, 假如你想知道, the short version of the story of my relationship is this: 我目前戀情的短篇版本是這樣的: a year ago, an acquaintance and I did a study 一年前,我和一位交情尚淺的舊識一起做了實驗, designed to create romantic love, 用設計好的方案來創造浪漫愛情, and we fell in love, 我們真的相愛了, and we are still together, 直到現在還在一起, and I am so glad. 我很開心, But falling in love is not the same thing as staying in love. 不過相愛容易相處難, Falling in love is the easy part. 相愛很簡單, So at the end of my article, I wrote, "Love didn't happen to us. 在我文章最後寫道"愛情並非憑空而來, We're in love because we each made the choice to be." 乃因我們自己選擇要愛上彼此." And I cringe a little when I read that now, 當我再讀到上面的話,不禁有點膽怯, not because it isn't true, 非因其言不實, but because at the time, I really hadn't considered 只是在當時確實未曾多加考慮過, everything that was contained in that choice. 那個決定所將附帶而來的一切事情, I didn't consider how many times we would each have to make that choice, 我沒想過,我們各自都須一再地被質問而重做決定, and how many times I will continue to have to make that choice 未來可能還是得繼續不斷地被問並做出選擇. without knowing whether or not he will always choose me. 不曉得他是否總會選擇繼續和我走下去, I want it to be enough to have asked and answered 36 questions, 我覺得被問並回答了36道題已足夠, and to have chosen to love someone so generous and kind and fun 我已選擇愛上如此大方善良又有趣的對象, and to have broadcast that choice in the biggest newspaper in America. 也將諸公告在全美最大報紙, But what I have done instead is turn my relationship 但是這一切作為卻讓我的戀情 into the kind of myth I don't quite believe in. 變成連自己都快不相信的神話了. And what I want, what perhaps I will spend my life wanting, 我企盼,或許需用終生來企盼, is for that myth to be true. 但願神話成真, I want the happy ending implied by the title to my article, 如同我文章名稱所隱喻的幸福結局, which is, incidentally, 也就是,順便一提, the only part of the article that I didn't actually write. 我沒在文章裡寫出來的那部份, (Laughter) (笑聲) But what I have instead is the chance to make the choice to love someone, 藉此讓我換來選擇愛上某人的機會, and the hope that he will choose to love me back, 也期待他會選擇一樣愛我, and it is terrifying, 有點讓人害怕, but that's the deal with love. 然而,這是愛的代價. Thank you. 謝謝.