Here's your host, the Bureau of Labor Statistics.

[APPLAUSE]

-Hello, jobless Americans.

The unemployment figures have been released.

So it's time to see if you're officially unemployed.

Let's meet our contestants.

Contestant number one, you were recently laid off.

Have you found a new job?

-No way.

No one's hiring right now.

I haven't even bothered to look.

[BUZZER]

-I'm sorry.

You are not in the labor market and, therefore, are not

officially unemployed.

Contestant number two, it says here

you lost your job as an auto worker.

Have you found a new one?

-No, not yet.

The industry isn't doing so well.

I need a job, but I stopped looking

because the plants closed down.

[BUZZER]

-Oh, I'm sorry.

You're not working, but you are not officially

unemployed either.

Contestant number three, you were an airline pilot

until a recent downsizing.

Have you found work?

-Well, I'm still looking for a real job.

All I could get was four hours a week at the Home Center.

[BUZZER]

-Oh, no, that four hours counts as employed.

Contestant number four, you lost your job as a stockbroker.

Have you found another?

-No, I haven't yet.

But I did look in the classifieds last week.

[TYPING]

[HEARTBEAT]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

-Congratulations, contestant number four.

You get to be counted in the official unemployment rate.

-But what about the other contestants?

They're jobless.

Why don't they count?

-Well, if we included them, that would

make the number much worse.

But we can't go around including millions

of more jobless Americans.

It could start a panic, and we'd be totally screw--

[BEEPING]

-This program has been canceled due to the recession.

[BEEPING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]