I don't have Siri because I have an iPhone 4.

我手機裡沒有 Siri，因為我是 iPhone 4。

Me and Siri have never met.

我跟 Siri 從未見過面。

Siri and I just started hanging out like a week ago, and she's the best.

Siri 跟我一週前才開始約會，她最棒。

How do I even do it?

到底要怎麼用？

I just hold it down?

我只要按住就好了嗎？

What is zero divided by zero?

0 除以 0 是什麼？

Imagine that you have zero cookies and you split them evenly among zero friends; how many cookies does each person get?

想像你有 0 塊餅乾，而你將它平分給 0 位朋友，每個人會得到幾塊餅乾？

See it doesn't make sense, and Cookie Monster is sad that there are no cookies, and you are sad that you have no friends.

瞧！這毫無意義，而且餅乾怪物會很難過因為沒有餅乾，你會很難過因為你沒朋友。

F**k you Siri!

去 X 的 Siri！

That's pretty good. That's pretty clever.

還不錯，她很聰明。

Why are fire trucks red?

消防車為什麼是紅色的？

What?

什麼鬼？

Because they have eight wheels and four people on them and four plus eight is 12.

因為它們有八顆輪子、四個人，而 4 加 8 等於 12。

And there are 12 inches in a foot, and one foot is a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was also a ship.

12 英吋相當於 1 英呎，1 英呎是統治者 ( ruler 有直尺，也有統治者之意)，而伊麗莎白女王是一位統治者，同時伊莉莎白女王號也是一艘船艦。

Siri is messing with me.

Siri 在耍我。

And the ship sailed the seas, and in the seas are fish, and fish have fins.

船艦在海上航行，海裡有魚，魚有鰭。

The Finns fought the Russians.

芬蘭 (音同 fins ) 與俄國曾發生戰爭。

And the Russians are red, and fire trucks are always "russian" around.

俄羅斯人是紅色的，而消防車總是來匆匆去匆匆 ( Russian 音似 rushing )。

Oh my god!

我的天！

I feel like this is some sort of cruel trick.

我覺得這是某種惡毒的把戲。

That was like a really long dad joke.

這很像一個超長的冷笑話。

Does Santa Claus exist?

聖誕老人存在嗎？

Let's just say I'm not the only one who knows if you've been good or bad.

我不是唯一一個知道你有表現良好或差勁的。

I'm going to pretend you didn't ask that.

我會裝作你沒有問這個問題。

I don't want you to get a lump of coal this year.

我不希望你今年拿到一塊煤炭 (表現差的小孩會從聖誕老人那收到一塊煤炭)。

See, look, she's not even sassing me, she's just looking out for me.

你們看，她甚至不是在頂撞我，只是在關心我。

Well those cookies don't eat themselves.

那些餅乾總不可能自己吃自己吧！

Oh!

喔！

What does the fox say?

狐狸怎麼叫？

Wa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pow!

哇-怕-怕-怕-怕-炮！

(laughter) I'd take Siri to karaoke with me.

(笑聲) 我要帶 Siri 一起去唱卡拉 OK。

I saw that video and I was like, this is the only thing I've ever found funny.

我看了那部影片，當時的感覺是，這是我至今發現唯一一個好笑的東西。

She's got spunk. She's got character.

她很有勇氣，而且很有個性。

Is it weird to say that I liked it when she sassed me?

如果我說我喜歡她跟我頂嘴會很奇怪嗎？

I don't like to be sassed by my friends.

我不喜歡被朋友頂撞。

I don't need to be sassed by my phone.

我也不需要被我的手機頂撞。

Will you marry me?

你會嫁給我嗎？

My end user licensing agreement does not cover marriage, my apologies.

我的終端用戶許可協議書裡面不包括婚姻，抱歉。

That makes me sad.

這讓我很難過。

I'm sorry.

抱歉。

She's cold.

她好冷漠。