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My wife is having a baby this summer.
我老婆這個夏天要生小孩了。
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We don't know if..we are having a boy or a g..but we assume it would be one or the other.
我們不知道他是男的還是女...不過我們假設應該是其中一個。
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But you never know.
不過你永遠不會確定。
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I have two older kids. My kids are in their forties now. One of them is older than I am.
我有兩個大一點的小孩。他們已經進入四開頭了。其中一個比我還老。
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So it's been a long time since I took care of a baby. Forget almost everything,
所以我已經很長一段時間沒有照顧寶寶了。大概全部都忘了。
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or at least I forgot almost everything.
或至少我大部分都忘了。
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So to brush up and to get some advice on how to raise a child, I went right to the source.
所以為了要喚起記憶然後索取一些如何帶小孩的建議,我直接去找源頭。
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I asked a child to help me figure some things out.
我去問了一個小孩來幫我解惑。
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A six-year-old girl named Aila and well, we had a very enlightening conversation.
一個六歲,名叫 Aila的小女孩,嗯,我們有個非常有啓發的對話。
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Aila, how old are you? Six.
Aila,你今年幾歲?六歲。
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So you've been a kid for a while now.
所以你當小孩已經有一段時間了。
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How long? I have no idea. OK.
多久?我不知道。好的。
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But you were a baby once? Yeah.
不過你曾經是一個寶寶?對啊。
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Everyone was a baby once.
所有人曾經都是個寶寶。
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That's true. What I'm hoping for is that you can give me some information and teach me how to be a good dad.
說的也是。我希望說你可以給我一些資訊然後教我怎麼成為一個好爸爸。
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Cause my wife is having a baby. Ok? Okay..
我老婆懷孕了。 好嗎?好...
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And I was just wondering like what you think like what to you is a good dad.
我好奇你覺得怎樣算是一個好爸爸。
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What does a good dad do?
一個好爸爸會怎麼做?
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Well, I suggest you start changing the diaper.
嗯,我建議你從換尿布開始。
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Myself?
我自己來?
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Yeah!
對啊!
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Yuck... I don't want to do that.
噁心...我才不想要做那個。
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Well, you are not gonna really like eat the poop.
嗯...你又不會真的吃到大便。
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Yeah I am.
會,我會。
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No, you're not! Yes, I am. No, you're not.
不會,你不會!會,我會。不,你不會。
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Well, what am I supposed to do with it? Throw it against the wall?
好,那我應該要拿尿布怎麼辦?把它丟到牆上?
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You are supposed to wipe the butt!
你應該要擦屁股!
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Ewwww.
噁........
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I'm not gonna do that. Who's butt?
我才不要勒。誰的屁股?
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The baby's butt with the wipes.
寶寶的屁股...用紙巾擦。
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Oh no..no way, the baby doesn't want that.
喔..不...不,寶寶也不想那樣。
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The baby should learn to wipe its own butt.
寶寶應該要學會自己擦屁股。
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But they don't know how because they don't have a smart brain.
不過他們不知道要怎麼做啊,因為他們沒有一個聰明的腦。
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They don't?
他們沒有?
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Do babies come with brains? or do you have to have that put in?
寶寶生出來有頭腦嗎?還是要把腦裝進去?
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They do come with brains. It's just like they don't know better and they're just like squirming around like...
他們生下來就有腦的。不過他們什麼都不懂,他們只會扭來扭去,像...
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Are they dumb?
他們是笨蛋嗎?
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Heheh no! They are not dumb!
呵呵呵不!他們不是笨蛋!
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Well they can't even wipe themselves. That's doesn't sound very smart to me.
可是他們連自己擦屁股都不會。這聽起來不怎麼聰明。
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So you're gonna have to do it yourself. That's what grown ups do.
所以需要你自己來做。那就是大人該做的。
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Oh no. I don't want to do that.
喔不。我不想做。
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So first, you'll gonna have to open the diaper. -Ahh.
所以你需要先打開尿布。啊。
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And then you're gonna get a wipe then wipe the butt.
然後你要拿紙巾來擦他的屁股。
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Hold on. Will you show me how to do that with the baby doll? Will you show me how to do it?
等等。你可以拿一個娃娃來做示範嗎?你可以示範給我看怎麼做嗎?
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Ok, but just where's the baby doll?
好,不過娃娃在哪?
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Here's the baby doll. Now is this...is this the right way to hold a baby?
在這裏。所以這是抱寶寶對的方式嗎?
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Nope. Well how should I do it then?
不是。所以該怎麼做?
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So you should do it like...like that. Okay.
你應該...這麼做。好。
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If they are like one-year-old you can do it like this. Hold it by the butt and like that.
如果他們一歲了的話你可以這樣抱。像這樣抱住屁股。
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That's good..ok..so here we go.
這...好...所以這樣。
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No! No, not like...What? I'm holding by the butt.
不!不是...怎樣?我抱住他的屁股啦。
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No. No no no no no no no...
不。不不不不不不不....
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Flip it over and hold it by the butt like...Ohhh the other way. Ok ok.
把他轉過來然後這樣抱。喔,另一邊。好好。
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Now this butt that I'm holding on by, this is where the poops come out so this I don't want to touch.
現在我抱的這邊就是便便出來的地方所以我不想碰。
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You're not gonna touch the butt. You're just gonna touch it with the wipe.
你不會碰到屁股。你只需要用紙巾碰。
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So like your hands are gonna be clean but you are gonna have to wash them.
所以你的手會是乾淨的不過你還是需要洗手。
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Okay. So here we put the baby right here?
好。所以我們把寶寶放在這嗎?
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Yeah and then some..good, she's a diaper on. (Jimmy: the baby has the diaper on.)
對然後...很好,她有穿尿布。(Jimmy:寶寶穿著尿布。)
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So like...you're gonna pull this side then open it up. Right.
所以你要先把這邊拉開再打開它。是喔。
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Eww, she has poop.
噁,有大便。
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What? It's chocolate! It is?!
什麼?那是巧克力!是嗎?
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Yep, but we're just pretending...hold on, I don't know if that's chocolate.
好,我們假裝它是...等一下,我不太確定是不是巧克力
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You're eating the poop.
你正在吃大便。
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I'm still not sure if it's chocolate or not.
我還是不太確定這是不是巧克力。
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Ok just...you're eating the poop.
好,不過...你在吃便便。
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So I should not do that to the real baby.
所以我不該對真的寶寶這麼做。
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No! Because it's real poop.
不!因為那是真的大便。
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And you wouldn't want to eat poop and get all sick.
你不會想要吃便便然後生病。
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You're right. Okay. Now, now what do I do?
對。你說的沒錯。好,那現在我該怎麼做?
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So you're gonna get a wipe (Jimmy: right.) and then wipe it like that.
然後你拿一個紙巾(Jimmy: 好。)然後這樣擦。
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And then you're gonna lift the baby up. Ok, then you gonna wipe this part. With your hand?
然後你再把寶寶抱起來。好,然後擦這個地方。用你的手?
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No! With the wipe.
不!用紙巾。
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Well, I don't see you using a wipe. I see you using your hand.
你都不用紙巾。我看你都用手。
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Well, there's no wipes here.
因為現在這裏沒有紙巾。
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Oh, so what do I do if there's..oh look it out, wipes just came in.
喔所以如果有的話...喔,看!紙巾來了。
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Thanks dad!
謝啦,爸!
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Yeah, thanks dad.
耶,謝謝爸爸。
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So you wipe the butt. Oh! I have a good idea. What if there's extra poop?
然後你擦屁股。喔!我有個好主意。如果有多餘的大便怎麼辦?
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You should put it in the baby's hat, right? No no no! What?
我們應該把它放進寶寶的帽子裡對吧?不不不!怎麼了?
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You should put it...it's...so...give me that...(Jimmy: Sorry, here you go.)
你應該把它放在...這...所以...那個給我...(Jimmy:抱歉..這給你。)
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Put it in here. Okay.
放在這。 好。
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And then we're gonna roll it up and throw it in the trash but where's the trash?
然後我們要把它捲起來然後丟到垃圾桶里,不過垃圾桶在哪?
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Oh here, I'll take it.
喔,來我來拿。
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Umm let's see. Oh! I know we will throw it at the wall.
嗯我們來看看。喔!我知道了。我們把它丟到牆上。
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No! The trash! The trash. Remember I told you earlier? The trash!
不!垃圾桶!垃圾桶。記得我之前跟你說的嗎?垃圾桶!
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But then the trash guy's gotta come and pick it up, and then he doesn't want this.
不過收垃圾的人會來收,他們不想收到有便便的尿布。
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No!
不!
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It's such a hard thing to figure out.
這真是個很難解決的問題。
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Ma ma mia...
我的天啊....
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Here's this how it is gonna go.
這是接下來會發生的事。
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I'm gonna tell my wife Aila taught me how to change the baby when it has a poopy diaper.
我會告訴我的老婆說Aila教我怎麼換寶寶的髒尿布。
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And what you do is you take a diaper off the baby, you get some wipes, you eat the poop,
然後你要做的就是先把尿布拿掉,拿一些紙巾,把大便吃掉,
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you then wipe the baby's butt, and then you throw it at the garbage man as he drives you by.
然後擦寶寶的屁股,再來把尿布朝來收垃圾的清潔工丟去。
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Yes? No. Yes. No...
對吧?哪是。是,不是...
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I think that's what we do.
我覺得這就是我們要做的。
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N-O. No!
不、是。 不!
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I'm gonna be a very bad parent.
我會成為一個非常爛的家長。
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AHHHHHHHHHHHHH
啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊
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So will you. -Hehehe.
你也是。呵呵呵。