(laughs)

別在做那個手勢了

Don't ever do that.

嗨!大家好

Hi everyone!

嗨~

- Hey!

別那樣 -看我現在跟誰一起

- Stop that, look who I'm here with.

等等 你蹲低好了

Wait, you get down in my video.

我想要和你拍的影片一樣

I want to do what you did.

呃..你不用蹲到那邊去...

Well, you don't have to go right there.

他們知道我在哪裡啦 算了 回來啦

(laughs)

哈囉大家好

They're gonna know where I am, come back up here.

嗨嗨

Hey everyone!

我叫Tyler Oakley 然後你是?

- Hi-hi.

妮姬米娜!

- My name is Tyler and who are you?

歐買尬

- Nicki Minaj!

我是Dan,全名是Dan Howell 頻道名稱是Dan is not on fire 哈囉

- Oh my god.

所以終於發生了

(laughs)

大概有多久......好久了

- I'm Dan, Dan Howell, Danisnotonfire, hello.

我知道 超久了

- So, this is finally happening

真的等了好久

after, I feel like it's so long.

你終於在我床上了

- I know, so long.

我一直想 Dan我們今天要做什麼

- It's been a long time coming.

你有任何點子嗎?

- You're finally on my bed.

他就說 我有個完美的想法

- I was like, what are we possibly gonna do today Dan?

對你的頻道來說再好不過了

Do you have any ideas?

OK 我實在是絞盡腦汁

And he's like, I have the perfect idea.

關於任何大家都還沒拍過的影片

It's perfect for your channel.

所以就是其中的一個想法

- Okay, I was having a brainstorm

這個影片沒有任何人拍過有大概10個理由

about possible videos that could possibly happen

沒有人想做 我也不覺得這個會被允許放上Youtube

and it was an idea that I had that I was like this

我告訴Tyler之後...

couldn't happen for about ten reasons.

我就說 完美的計畫阿!

No one would ever do it, I don't think it's allowed,

所以我們今天要來看A片

and I tell Tyler and he's like--

我們要想一些字

- I'm like, perfect!

然後在色情網站上搜尋

So today we're gonna be looking at porn (record scratches)

但是是很單純的字

and we're gonna suggest words that

單純的字

we have to search on a porn website.

或者日常能看到的用品

- But innocent words.

如果我們用這些字

- Innocent words.

在網站上找到影片的話

- So everyday objects.

我就可以得分

If we manage to find a porn video that for

還有精神上可能會受創

some reason contains this totally innocent everyday

然後我們還必須看完影片

object then we get a point and

你第一個字會打什麼?

in the process, mentally scar ourselves.

呃....氣球...吧?!

- And we have to watch it.

那就搜尋吧

What's your first word?

哪有可能會出現氣球....

- Um, balloon, balloon.

一定會有的好不好

- Search balloon.

怎麼可能...OK

- What could possibly--

我的天阿

- There has to be balloon.

騎著並且擠破大氣球

- What could possibly, okay.

影片裡有很多氣球 然後她正騎在那些氣球上面

- Oh my god.

你應該要知道 她是全裸的

(laughing)

氣球爆了

- Big balloon ride and pop.

T: 她愛死了 D:她看起來不在乎氣球爆掉了

(loud squeaking)

不是 是她適應了

There's lots of balloons and she's riding the balloon.

哇靠...

- She's completely naked, you should also know that.

第一個項目: 氣球 達成!

(laughing)

你得分了

It popped!

這就是

- She did not seem bothered by that.

這樣就得分了?!

- No, she's used to it.

這個影片了

Oh, shit.

OK 我還滿喜歡有些食物

- Item number one, balloons, yes.

被當成A片的題材

- You got a point.

OK OK 當然

- There is...

突然間所有食物都變得很有性暗示耶

- That is a point.

就像茄子?

- videos of that.

鳳梨也是啊

- Okay, well I like the idea of

鳳梨?

some type of food being turned into porn.

那就是鳳梨了

- Okay, okay, yeah sure.

不!別! 我也不知道...

Suddenly all food seems horrifyingly sexual.

來不及了

- I'm like an eggplant?

女同志情侶與西瓜和鳳梨

- Pineapple.

-影片: 我看到你帶了個朋友 很好

- A pineapple?

太可怕了...

A pineapple.

對阿

- No, no, I don't want to know.

影片編輯真好

- No, I'm doing it.

那是個陰道

Lesbian couple with melons and pineapples.

我沒看到西瓜阿?

- [Man] I see you brought a friend, excellent!

喔看到了

- This is terrible.

我的天啊

- I know.

OK 那其實是在

(cheesy music)

她們的胸部上噴漆 是西瓜跟鳳梨跟圖案

Well edited.

這樣還算數嗎?

(laughs)

對阿那就是鳳梨阿

Vagina, that's a vagina.

如果她們只是把她們的胸部

(laughing)

噴上鳳梨跟西瓜的樣子

- Where are the watermelons?

噴漆出來的鳳梨

There they are!

這樣還算嗎?

(laughs)

我覺得算

Okay, so they have spraypainted

OK 鳳梨這個項目你得分了...

their boobs to look like watermelons and pineapple.

走開啦色情網站的彈跳視窗

- Does it count as pineapples...

真的 超煩的

- Yes, that's a pineapple!

一定不會有的!

- if the lesbians have sprayed

攪拌器

pineapples onto their boobs?

別!!!!

- Spraypaint pineapple.

等等 這個單字裡面有"H"? (whisk)

- Does that count?

還真的有個H

- Yeah, that counts.

歐買尬 天阿Dan

- Okay Tyler, you get the point for pineapples.

看那個標題

Go away live Jasmine popups.

我的天...

- I know, right?

快念那標題 快念

- Surely not.

我才不要

(laughs)

你可以念的

Whisk.

你念 我會幫你嗶掉

- Noooo.

攪拌器把她的XXX撐開....

Wait, whisk has an h?

那真的可以當我自傳的標題

(gasps)

我快哭了

Yes it does!

等等 她們要把攪拌器放進去了

Oh my god, no, no, Dan!

天阿Dan

- Look at the name of the video!

這是我做過最糟糕的事情

- Oh my...

我有點想讓Phil (Dan 的室友)現在進來

(laughing)

好了好了 夠了

Read the title, read the title.

好

- No!

這就是我的第2分了

- You have to read the title.

而且我非常的為自己感到驕傲

You can say, I'll bleep that word.

我接下來要輸入...

(laughing)

你在你的公寓閒晃

Wire whisk stretches her (beeping).

你注視著一個東西你會看著什麼?

- That's literally the title of my autobiography.

皮卡丘?

- Can i cry!

喔天阿

- Wait, no, they're about to put it in.

叫做"神奇寶貝H漫"?

Oh my god, Dan, no.

H漫

- This is the worst thing that I've ever made happen.

那什麼意思?

- I want Phil to walk in though, right?

其實就是變態動漫啦!

(screams)

動漫是什麼?

- Okay, that's that, that's that.

就是漫畫.. -是同志的漫畫嗎?

- Okay.

解釋一下現在是什麼情形

- And that's a second point for

小智跟皮卡丘在一個森林裡

Dan who is really proud of himself.

武藏也在那裡

- Yeah, I'm gonna go with...

皮卡丘正在施展十萬伏特

- You're walking around your apartment,

然後武藏躺著腳開開

you're looking at things, what are you seeing?

看那個屁眼 那是小智! YES!

- Pikachu?

我的童年!

(gasps)

他屁股其實滿可愛的

Oh, noooo.

別阿皮卡丘

It's called Pokemon hentai?

皮卡丘在幹嘛?? -皮卡丘

- Hentai.

把那放下

- What's that mean?

那是誰的屌阿?

- Hentai is basically pornographic manga.

那是皮卡丘的?

- What's manga?

那是皮卡丘的屌???

- It's just comic book anime. - Gay, or not gay.

我們受夠這個了

- Explain what's happening.

讓我離開這裡

- Okay, so Ash and Pikachu are in a forest.

這是我人生中最慘的一天

- Jesse's there.

Tyler 你得分了

- Pikachu is using thunderbolt.

謝謝

- And now she's on her side with her legs spread.

你很驕傲嗎?

(panting, moaning)

我很驕傲

Look at that butthole, that's Ash, yes!

我覺得我不想再得分了...

- My childhood!

有湯匙功能的叉子

- He has a cute butt, I'll say that.

不要!! 拜託沒有

(moaning)

等等

- Pikachu, no!

我沒有看到任何叉子

- What is Pikachu doing? - Pikachu!

沒有此搜尋結果!

- Put that down.

所以我沒有得分!

- Whose dick is that?

歐買尬 感覺像是某種很值得驕傲的事情

- Is that Pikachu's?

我想不出來了 你有任何意見嗎?

- That's Pikachu's dick!

網球

(splattering)

點下去 你知道我要你點哪一個

We're done with that.

這個

Get me out of here.

嗯哼

- This is the worst day of my entire life.

有顆球

Tyler, you get a point.

她怎麼把那個放進去的

- Thank you.

我還在期待有種

- Are you proud?

充滿快感的"啵"一聲 結果沒有...

- I am.

而且她最後怎樣了

- I mean I don't want to win anymore.

她穿什麼阿?

Um, spork.

皮衣 還有一顆在她陰道裡的球

- No, please, no.

有像類似我...

- Wait.

穿皮衣 還有一顆在你陰道裡的球嗎?

- I don't see any sporks.

好了 換我了

- There are no search results

搜尋便祕呢?

for spork and I don't get the point.

只有一個搜尋結果

- Oh my god, is that something worth being proud of?

而且那個影片還有43%的人按不喜歡

I am so done, what do you have?

名字叫"就是長這樣"

(laughs)

11分鐘喔?