[MUSIC PLAYING]

(音樂)

INTERVIEWER: Why did you want to become a firefighter?

訪問者：為什麼你想要當一位消防員？

SUBJECT: I wanted to become a firefighter because I

受訪者：我想要當消防員因為

saw these guys as superheroes.

我視這些人為超級英雄。

I saw these guys as bigger than life.

我視他們比什麼都要更了不起。

And it wasn't until I got into the job

直到我加入這一行，

that I realized that we are just human.

才發現我們（消防員）只是一般人，

I've seen more in one day than probably someone

我在一天之內所看到的可能

has seen in their whole life.

比一些人用一生看到的還多。

INTERVIEWER: What kind of things do you see?

訪問者：你看到了哪些事？

SUBJECT: I see faces of death.

受訪者：死亡的臉孔

I see old people, young people, kids.

我看到老人、年輕人、小孩，

There are images that are hard to erase.

這些畫面是難以抹滅的，

And it doesn't hit me until I get home

有些事情直到我回家後才會襲來，

that I can't fix someone's death.

那就是我不能改變一個人的死亡，

I can't fix someone who is broken.

我不能改變一個人的傷痛，

I can't fix these things in my head that

我不能改變這些事在我腦海中，

make me feel like I'm crazy.

讓我覺得我瘋了，

Who talks about that?

誰會講起這些事？

The only time you see a firefighter crying

當你看到一位消防員在哭泣，

is when one of their coworkers die.

那是他的同事夥伴罹難了。

OK.

沒事

INTERVIEWER: Can you tell me about one

訪問者，你可以跟我說一次經驗，

of those times when you weren't able to save someone?

是有關你真的束手無策、沒辦法拯救別人？

SUBJECT: I went on a call where the young girl in her early 20s

受訪者：我接到一通電話是有關一位二十幾歲年輕的女孩

was partying on top of an apartment building.

在公寓頂樓舉辦派對，

And she fell and tumbled and hit the sides of the walls

然後她跌下來然後撞到牆面，

and was killed.

過世了。

But she still had signs of a little bit of life in her.

但她那時仍然有一些生命跡象，

And I was the person doing compressions on her,

我是幫她做心臟復甦術的那個人，

but I didn't realize later on that this event was going

但我沒想到這個事件

to send me into a tailspin.

把我推向深淵。

Some of these calls just mess you up.

有些電話就會把你給搞的亂七八糟

And this call messed me up.

這通電話把我搞砸了。

I wanted to start drinking so I'd

我想要開始喝酒，

mask these feelings and these emotions.

所以我可以掩蓋住這些感覺和情緒，

And it didn't help.

但它並沒有幫助。

I would use prescription pills only because I just

我想用處方簽的藥丸，

wanted to get numb.

因為我想要麻木的感覺，

INTERVIEWER: You were diagnosed with post traumatic stress

訪問者：你被診斷出創傷後壓力症候群。

injury-- PTSI.

Can you tell me about that?

你可以說說這個（創傷後壓力症候群）嗎？

SUBJECT: I'm healing from my injuries.

受訪者：我正在治癒我的病症

I'm not going to be completely healed,

我不會完全康復，

because I just went on a call last week that messed me up.

因為我正在經歷上禮拜的一通電話，

But I get through them quicker because I'm not drinking.

但我可以更快的排解（創傷後壓力症候群）因為我沒有酗酒，

I'm eating cleaner and stair-climbing.

我吃的更健康和我會爬樓梯，

INTERVIEWER: Tell me how you go from using alcohol

訪問者：告訴我你如何從利用酒精

as a means of escape to climbing stairs as a new ritual.

來麻痺自己的方法到每天例行公事爬樓梯。

SUBJECT: Using drugs and alcohol you get high.

受訪者：利用藥物和酒精可以讓你情緒高漲，

Doing stairs I get high.

爬樓梯可以讓我更快樂，

I try to get in 10,000 steps a day.

我試著一天爬一萬階，

And mentally, it's a great escape,

在我的心理方面，是一個很好抽離的方式，

because you're able to really get out of yourself.

因為你可以真正的脫離自己，

I've begun to realize that I'm trying to control things

我開始明白我試圖想要控制一些

that I have no control over.

我能力所不能控制的事物，

I'm trying to control death.

我試著想要控制死亡，

You can't control death.

你不能控制死亡。

So I focus on trying not to think.

所以我專注在不要去想

I focus on just trying to get myself upstairs the stairs.

我專注在讓我自己爬上樓梯，

And I just focus on just being positive.

我只專注在讓我自己更積極，

I started organizing my coworkers

我開始召集我的同事，

to join in and do this climb as a tribute

跟我一起爬樓梯，

to the guys that were killed in 9/11.

當作對９１１傷亡的人的致敬。

So now we start wearing gear.

所以現在我們開始穿上裝備，

We start wearing our bunker pants and our firefighting

我門開始穿上我們的消防褲和我們的消防靴，

boots, and we wear our helmets.

在戴上頭盔，

And you get to a point where you just want to quit.

然後你就會開始想要放棄，

And then I think about the people who cannot do this--

但我舊會接著想有一些人沒辦法做這件事，

the people who aren't here anymore, you know.

有一些人永遠不在這世上了，你知道的。

The stairs are a metaphor to life.

這些階梯是人生的一種暗喻，

Just one step at a time.

一次只能一階，

All that excitement, energy, sweat,

當你一步步往上爬的時候，

tears is contained until you get all the way up to the top

那些刺激、能量、汗水、眼淚是混雜著的。

where you just like explode and just feel like the sky

就想你剛剛爆炸，然後

open up to a feeling that everyone should experience.

經歷到天空為你打開，那種大家都應該經歷的感覺。

And I think that a lot of people think

我想很多人都覺得

that they can find that in a pill

她們可以在藥物裡面找到這種感覺，

or at the bottom of a glass.

或是在酒杯的底部，

They don't have go there.

但他們不需要走到那一步，

And then when you're able to really get

然後當你真的吸入

that big breath of fresh air, you're breathing in life.

一大口新鮮空氣的時候，你正在呼吸著人生。

It's amazing.

這真的很美好。

INTERVIEWER: Next on Seeker Stories,

訪問者：下一次的尋找者故事

the ritual I developed while captive in North Korea.

這是我在北韓被監禁時所開發的規矩，

Click now to watch.

按這裡來觀看

It was the scariest time of my life.

這是我一生中最可怕的時刻，

I was isolated in what is perhaps

我被隔離

the most isolated country in the world.

在一個可能是世界上最封閉的國家，

But there was something that I began

但我開始做一些事

to do that helped me get through each day.

讓我自己可以撐過每一天

And it was a very simple act.

然後這僅僅是很簡單的一些舉止，

Rituals is a part of Seeker Stories.

儀式是一部分的尋找者故事，

If you'd like to continue to see more

如你你想繼續多看一些，

stories from around the world, we need you to subscribe.

世界上發生的故事，那請訂閱我們的頻道。

[WHIR NOISE]