(a conversation)

(一段對話)

Mom, my depression is a shape shifter.

媽,我的憂鬱會變形

One day it is as small as a firefly in the palm of a bear,

一天它和熊手中的螢火蟲一樣小

the next it’s the bear.

隔天它就變成熊

On those days I play dead until the bear leaves me alone.

那些日子我裝死直到熊離開

I call the bad days the dark days.

我稱那些壞日子"黑暗時光"

Mom says: try lighting candles.

媽說:試試點蠟燭

When I see a candle, I see the flash of a church.

當我看到蠟燭,我看到教堂的光

The flicker of a flame sparks of a memory younger than noon;

搖曳的燭火閃爍著一段清晰如日中的回憶

I am standing beside her open casket, it is the moment I learn:

我站在她打開的棺材旁,此刻我學到

every person I ever come to know will someday die.

所有我認識的人某天都會死

Besides, mom, I’m not afraid of the dark, perhaps that’s part of the problem.

而且,媽,我並不怕黑,也許這是問題的一部份

Mom says: I thought the problem was that you can’t get out of bed.

媽說:我以為問題在你不能下床

I can’t.

我不能

Anxiety holds me a hostage inside of my house, inside of my head.

焦慮把我當人質囚禁在家裡,囚禁在我腦海中

Mom says: where did anxiety come from?

媽說:焦慮是哪來的?

Anxiety is the cousin visiting from out of town depression felt obligated to bring to the party.

焦慮是由住在憂鬱之城的親戚，覺得有義務要為我辦一場派對而帶來

Mom, I am the party.

媽,我就是派對

Only I am a party I don’t want to be at.

只是我是我不想參加的派對

Mom says: why don’t you try going to actual parties. See your friends.

媽說:你何不去參加實際的派對?去見見你朋友

Sure, I make plans.

好啊當然,我來訂計畫

I make plans, but I don’t wanna go.

我訂計畫,但我不想去

I make plans because I know I should want to go.

我訂計畫因為我知道我應該要想去

I know sometimes I would have wanted to go.

我知道有時候我曾經想要去

It’s just not that much fun having fun when you don’t wanna have fun, mom.

但在不想玩的時候玩就是沒那麼好玩,媽

You see, mom, each night, insomnia sweeps me up in its arms,

你看,媽,每天晚上,失眠在它的臂彎中搖醒我

dips me in the kitchen in the small glow of the stove light.

把我浸在廚房爐火微弱的火光中

Insomnia has this romantic way of making the moon feel like perfect company.

失眠用這浪漫手法讓月亮成為完美陪伴

Mom says: try counting sheep.

媽說:試試數羊

But my mind can only count reasons to stay awake, so I go for walks,

但我只能數出一個個保持清醒的理由.所以我起床散步

but my stuttering kneecaps clank like silver spoons held in strong arms with loose wrists,

但我顫抖的膝蓋鏗鏘作響像是銀湯匙被一雙強壯的手臂,但無力的手腕握著

they ring in my ears like clumsy church bells, reminding me

鏗鏘響聲在我聽來就像笨拙的教堂鐘聲,提醒我

I am sleepwalking on an ocean of happiness I cannot baptize myself in.

我在快樂的海洋裡夢遊,卻無法受洗其中

Mom says: happy is a decision.

媽說:快樂是一種決定

But my happy is as hollow as a pin-pricked egg.

但我的快樂像被針穿孔的蛋一樣空洞

My happy is a high fever that will break.

我的快樂會退燒

Mom says I am so good at making something out of nothing,

媽說我真擅長無中生有

and then flat out asks me if I am afraid of dying.

然後很快地問我怕不怕死

No, I am afraid of living.

不!我怕活著

Mom, I am lonely.

媽,我好孤單

I think I learnt it when dad left,

我想當爸離開時我學會

how to turn the anger into lonely, the lonely into busy.

如何把憤怒轉變成孤單,孤單轉變成忙碌

So when I tell you I’ve been super busy lately,

所以當我跟你說我最近超忙

I mean I’ve been falling asleep watching sports centre on the couch

我的意思是我最近都在沙發上看體育節目看到睡著

to avoid confronting the empty side of my bed,

因為不想面對空空的床

but my depression always drags me back to my bed,

但我的憂鬱症總是把我拖回床上

until my bones are the forgotten fossils of a skeleton sunken city,

直到我的骨頭變成沉沒之城中被遺忘的化石

my mouth a bone yard of teeth broken from biting down on themselves.

嘴巴變成自相殘殺的牙齒的墓園

The hollow auditorium of my chest swoons with echoes of a heartbeat,

我的胸腔中空蕩的禮堂因心跳的回聲而暈眩

but I am a careless tourist here.

但我是個不小心的旅人

I will never truly know everywhere I have been.

我從來不會知道我到過哪裡

Mom still doesn’t understand.

媽還是不懂

Mom, can’t you see?

媽,你難道不懂

That neither can I.

我也不懂嗎?