where I spent nearly 20 years growing up, before we sold it.

我在那裏生活了20年, 直到我們把它賣掉

My brother and I spent most of our time

我和弟弟

in the room in the back called "the office."

常常待在酒家後方的「工作室」

"The office" was really just a storage room,

「工作室」其實就是一個儲物室罷了

but it had our gaming systems,

但那裏有我們的電玩遊戲

and the game that we played the most was called Super Smash Brothers Melee.

我們最常玩的就是 「任天堂明星大亂鬥DX」 (Super Smash Brothers Melee)

For those who don't know,

如果你不知道的話

Super Smash Brothers Melee is an older fighting game

「任天堂明星大亂鬥DX」 是古早的一款打鬥遊戲

made for the Nintendo GameCube.

我和弟弟 常花好幾小時玩這個遊戲

My brother and I spent hours playing this game,

我們甚至會向食客挑戰和較量

so much that we even challenged restaurant customers to matches.

我的朋友更因而推了我去 參加一個本地電玩比賽

Eventually, my friends dragged me out to a local tournament,

33人的比賽中 我最後排第13位

where I ended up placing 13th out of 33.

不太差, 但當然與頂尖玩家相差甚遠

Not bad, but definitely far from the best.

後來, 經過與一些高手學習

After training with higher level players,

和參考網上的比賽片段

and taking notes on matches I found online,

我開始參加不同的地區比賽

I started to travel to national tournaments,

我從沒有想過

and before I knew it,

17歳就會穿越美國各州

I was being whisked around the United States at the age of 17,

全因為一個電子遊戲

all because of a video game.

這簡直是夢想人生 對吧?

Totally living the dream life, right?

我也因此而撞進了

This is how I ran head first

一個充滿競爭的 「任天堂明星大亂鬥DX」群組

into the competitive Super Smash Brothers Melee community,

我在那待了接近10年

a scene that I've been a part of for nearly ten years.

我相信當我說激烈格鬥時

I'm sure that when I say competitive gaming,

你們必定在幻想 一屋抱著筆電的人的模樣

you guys are imagining a room of people hunched over their laptops.

有時候的確會這樣

Sometimes it can look like that,

但其實更多的時候是這樣

but more often it looks something like this.

(笑聲)

(Laughter)

因為「任天堂明星大亂鬥DX」 實在是一個太舊的遊戲

Because Smash Brothers Melee is such an old game,

需要用到很大的電視

it requires those big, boxy TVs to be played on.

我們的玩家都非常熱心

Our players are so dedicated,

他們會帶著這些器材上機

that they will actually lug these things onto their flights as carry-ons.

(笑聲)

(Laughter)

這群組的人更是意想不到地多元化

The community is also absurdly diverse.

這照片攝於新澤西州的 一個年度比賽 Apex

This is a photo of Apex, an annual tournament held in New Jersey.

2013年, 超過1500位 來自16個不同國家的玩家參加比賽

In 2013, over 1500 people showed up from 16 different countries.

我想如果16個國家的人 都湧入新澤西州

I feel like if 16 countries are flying out to New Jersey,

那定必意味著什麼

that's saying something.

對不起 新澤西州

Sorry, New Jersey.

(笑聲)

(Laughter)

在電玩群組中

In the gaming community,

我叫做"_奶茶"

I was known by my gamer tag "_milktea,"

但在現實生活中我仍是Lilian

but in real life, I was still very much just Lilian.

17歳時 我很安靜和怕羞

When I was 17, I was shy and quiet,

我常被同學欺凌 因為我的不一樣 因為我是亞洲人

and I was often bullied by my classmates for being different, for being Asian.

他們取笑我的衣著

Some of them made fun of the clothes I wore.

假裝要與我約會

Others asked me out on dates as a joke.

甚至會叫我中國妓女

Another called me a Chinese prostitute.

但當我是"_奶茶"的時候

But when I was "_milktea,"

我有一個接納和歡迎我的群組

I was part of a community that welcomed and accepted me.

但這照片缺少甚麼?

Except what's missing from this picture?

你們看見女性嗎?

Do you see any women?

當性別失衡的情況是如此明顯 群體中的活動很容易被曲解

When the gender imbalance is this large, social dynamics can become a bit skewed.

你會特別容易引起注意

You get a lot more attention than you normally would.

[奶茶是天使]

[milktea is an angel]

那時不知道為何會這樣

At the time, I didn't understand why I was getting this attention.

我只知道 這比我在學校面對的好多了

I just knew that it was so much better than what I was dealing with at school.

[我愛奶茶]

[I love Milktea.]

這是我最愛的其中一句

Here's one of my favorites.

[陳奶茶 你真的很正]

[Milktea chan you are really attractive.]

[如果要為你的美評分 10分滿分我會給你8分]

[If I had to rate you for beauty I give you a 8 out of 10]

[因為我已愛上了另一個女孩很久了]

[Only because I've been crushing on another girl for a long time]

(笑聲)

(Laughter)

但是 事情又開始變糟

But then, things took a turn for the worse.

[為什麼 你們都責罵奶茶 lol?]

[Why is everyone blaming milktea lol?]

[她是妓女]

[She is a harlot.]

[她根本不愛「大亂鬥DX」 她只是想得到注意]

[She doesn't like Smash, she just wants attention.]

你開始會看到這樣的評論

And then you started to see comments like this.

[因為妳只是宅宅女神 其他什麼都不是]

[coz you're only known in the scene for being the subject of nerdy fantasies]

[在笨宅宅的綺夢中含**]

[suck a **** in crappy smasher's dreams]

這些年間, 我內化了他們的態度

Over years, I began internalizing all of this,

我更把這些態度 投放在其他女性身上

and then I took these attitudes and projected them onto other women.

"她為什麼如此嬌柔?" "她真的是個玩家嗎?"

"Ew, why is she so girly? Is she even a real gamer?"

我感到我的聲音縮小 而憤怒在心中滋長

I felt my voice shrinking and the resent growing inside of me,

最後 我開始遠離這個電玩群組

and eventually, I distanced myself from the Smash community altogether.

跳到幾年後

Fast forward a few years.

我得到第一份工作 在紐約

I landed my first job in New York City.

在那裏我了解到 性別規範的行為不是唯一的標準

There, I realized that sexist behavior didn't have to be the norm.

但是 我仍舊是什麼都不說 與人保持距離

But nevertheless, I stayed quiet and withdrawn.

要我公開演說? 絕不可能發生

Public speaking? Never going to happen.

(笑聲)

(Laughter)

但是, 我的臉書上 出現了這個留言

But then, this Facebook comment appeared in my feed.

[我想我們是時候停止 在網上記錄對群組的恐懼]

[Stop chalking up the terror of the internet to the Smash community.]

[我們絕大部都是非常接納女性的]

[In general, we're very accepting of females]

我發誓 在那一刻

I swear, at that very moment,

在我心中的害羞女孩 同時被燃點了

my inner wallflower spontaneously combusted.

我開始在網誌寫下 我在群組中的經驗和遇到的問題

I started writing blog posts that talked about my experiences

我十分驚訝 我的文字被廣泛流傳

and issues I had faced within the community,

一個知名的遊戲網站揀選了我其中一篇的網誌

and to my surprise, they went viral within our scene.

其後 一個遊戲網站 Polygon 記錄了我之後的工作

A well-known fighting game website picked up one of my posts

這一切引領我們創立了 The New Meta

and later on, Polygon, a gaming site, covered my future work.

一個我與紐約大學遊戲中心 共同創立和管理的小組

All of this led to the creation of The New Meta,

我們找來很多 來自不同遊戲群組的女性

a panel that I cofounded and moderated with the NYU Game Center.

講述當中所遇到的性別歧視問題

We roped in tons of women from different gaming communities

我們整個小組希望可以 提升大家對問題的關注

to talk about issues of sexism within gaming.

而不是貶抑男性玩家

But the entire panel's point was to raise awareness

作為一個女性 我也曾有性別歧視

in a way that did not shame male gamers.

甚至討厭女性 反對自己的性別

As a woman, I was sexist,

有時候 當你長期沈浸在一個環境內

and even misogynistic, against my own gender.

會令你難以分辨 具傷害性和正常的行為

Sometimes, when you've been immersed in an environment for long enough,

有些玩家固然是惡意的

it can be hard to differentiate between harmful behaviors and normal ones.

但有些人甚至沒發現

While some gamers are intentionally malicious,

自己延續著性別歧視的觀念

some may not even realize

設身處地去瞭解這些玩家

that they're perpetuating sexist behaviors in the first place.

比起排擠他們要來得更實際

Empathizing with these gamers is more productive

展開對話

than outright dismissing them.

破解這些行為

Initiate a conversation.

即使你可能已經很清楚

Deconstruct these behaviors,

還有 請你放下指責的態度

no matter how obvious they might seem to you.

如果我當時 因為歧視別人的性別而被排擠

And please, leave the accusatory tone behind.

我現在不可能在台上和你們說話

If I had been dismissed as a sexist neckbeard,

令我驚訝的是

I wouldn't be on this stage talking to you right now.

我發現人們都是願意改變的 他們都希望幫忙

And to my surprise,

[作為一個男性 我可以如何 公平對待eSports的女玩家?]

I found that people were willing to change, and they wanted to help.

[我很努力 但我需要些建議]

[As a guy, how to treat girls in eSports equally?]

毎毎我有所懷疑的時候 我就會收到這樣的回覆

[Trying my hardest, but advice would help.]

[ 我有幾個玩 "任" 的女性朋友 包括我的女朋友 都因為你而站出來 分享自己的經歷]

And whenever I had any doubts, I started to receive feedback like this.

整個過程令我明白

[I got a few female Smashers into the scene because of you.]

沉默只會令電玩世界的 性別歧視繼續下去

This entire experience has shown me

沒有人是完美的

that my silence only further enabled sexism within gaming.

偏見非常容易被內化 並讓人迷失

Nobody is perfect.

藉著發聲

Internalizing biases and becoming lost in them is deceptively easy.

你迫使自己和周邊的人

By being vocal,

去重新思考他們的行為和觀念

you force yourself and those around you

這房裡的毎一個人都有權發聲

to reevaluate their actions and their perceptions.

你要發言 且要負責任地發言

Everyone in this room has a voice.

你不單只能夠引起改變

You have to use it, and you have to use it responsibly.

你亦能令其他人這樣做

Not only can you provoke change,

謝謝

but you can empower others to do so, too.

(掌聲)

Thank you.

(Applause)