[wolf howls]

Russ: Dad, didn't they invent christmas tree lots

So people wouldn't have to drive all the way out to nowhere

And waste a whole Saturday?

They invented them, russ,

Because people forgot how to have

A fun, old-fashioned family christmas

And are satisfied

With scrawny, dead overpriced trees

That have no special meaning.

Audrey: My toes are numb.

You see, kids, this is what our forefathers did.

Audrey: I can't feel my leg.

They walked into the woods,

They picked out that special tree,

And they cut it down with their bare hands.

Audrey: Mom, I can't feel my hips!

Yes, honey? Clark?

Audrey's frozen from the waist down.

It's all part of the experience, honey.

There it is.

[choir singing]

The griswold family christmas tree.

Isn't it a little big?

It's not big. It's just...Full.

Dad, that thing wouldn't fit in our yard.

It's not going in our yard, russ.

It's going in our living room.

[teeth chattering]

Ah. Look at it.

It really is beautiful, clark.

Something else, huh, russ?

Yeah, dad.

Isn't it a beaut, audrey?

She'll see it later, honey.

Her eyes are frozen.

The most enduring traditions of the season are best enjoyed

In the warm embrace of kith and kin.