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Who watches the Apple Watch? Jessica Chobot does, on today’s Nerdist News!
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The Apple Watch is coming soon, my friends! - April 24th to be exact - and if yesterday’s
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event is to be believed, it’s going to be spectacular! It’s gonna change the world!
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It’s going to track my health, be super intuitive to use, and have a battery that
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lasts forever and ever until all of humanity has been wiped out and mole people rule the
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earth, right? Eeeh, more like, “kinda?” But mostly “no?” In fact, it’s pretty
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much no different than any other smartwatch on the market.
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The main menu looks weird - way too much like the PS Vita’s “bubble” set-up, the apps
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still look chunky and unpolished, and the features are basic - like pumpkin spice latte
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basic. I shouldn’t be laughing. It’s nice that this thing has a heart-rate monitor and
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tells you to stand up every hour or so, but where are the glucose monitors, the blood
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pressure sensors, or any of the other advanced health features that had been rumored that
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I’ll never use? Even worse, early hands-on reports from The Verge and Wired have claimed
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that it’s interface lacks the simple elegance of it’s big brother devices. The dial and
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“communication button” on the side are really easy to press accidentally. The “glance”
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feature that can give you a view of all your apps with a simple swipe apparently means
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having to reboot the apps individually when you want to actually interact with them. I
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mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m as excited as the next gal to send tiny pictures of hand
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drawn dicks to people’s wrists. But for a price somewhere between 350 and 10,000 dollars?
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I think not.
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Come on, you guys! I mean – you’re Apple! To be awesome you have to do three things:
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be super intuitive to use, change the world, and look cool. But the Apple Watch isn’t
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super intuitive and looks kinda dorky. Even when it’s made out of solid goooooold. What
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the hell is happening? This is your first entirely new product without Steve Jobs. And
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so far it’s more disappointing than Dan Casey’s bar mitzvah. Or just Dan Casey. (We love you Dan!)
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You are shattering my perception of reality, Apple! Nothing makes sense anymore. What’s
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next? Dogs and cats living together? Flying pigs? That’d be kind of cool. Me, going
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back to my Android phone?! I do mean it. It’s gonna be chaos!
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And why are you making HBO Now Apple exclusive?! You’re holding my precious Game of Thrones
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hostage just to push your products!? Make it stooooop!--
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Woaaaahhohohh. Relax, Jessica.
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[gasp] Spirit Guide Bruce Campbell?
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Yep that’s right - in the flesh. Hahaha. Listen, I’m sorry to hear that you’re
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so riled up about this whole Apple thing. Look, it’s just a watch. Nobody under the
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age of thirty’s worn a watch in like two decades. So it’s fine. You know what I do
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when I need to relax?
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No, what do you do?
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Crack open a ginger ale, put on some easy listening, and slaughter a couple hundred deadites.
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Oh, you mean like in the movies.
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No, Jessica. They’re real. They’re very real. And they are most definitely not groovy.
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In fact, I think I hear one now. Gotta go! Wohooohahhhh!
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No! No! Don’t go, Bruce Campbell! Come back! [sobbing] Bruce Campbell, everybody! Be sure
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to check out his brand new pop culture trivia series Last Fan Standing, every Monday on
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Con-TV.
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So, tell me iFriends. What do you think of the Apple Watch? Are you on board for HBO
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Now? Should I be more concerned about the deadites? Let’s discuss!
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Leave your comments below, Apple friends, click my watch-less wrist to subscribe to
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Nerdist, we have all the updates about the Apple Car, and head on over to Nerdist.com
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for even more Nerdist News!
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Bruce, Bruce, where are you? Come back!
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I have other problems too!