The Apple Watch is coming soon, my friends! - April 24th to be exact - and if yesterday’s

event is to be believed, it’s going to be spectacular! It’s gonna change the world!

It’s going to track my health, be super intuitive to use, and have a battery that

lasts forever and ever until all of humanity has been wiped out and mole people rule the

earth, right? Eeeh, more like, “kinda?” But mostly “no?” In fact, it’s pretty

much no different than any other smartwatch on the market.

The main menu looks weird - way too much like the PS Vita’s “bubble” set-up, the apps

still look chunky and unpolished, and the features are basic - like pumpkin spice latte

basic. I shouldn’t be laughing. It’s nice that this thing has a heart-rate monitor and

tells you to stand up every hour or so, but where are the glucose monitors, the blood

pressure sensors, or any of the other advanced health features that had been rumored that

I’ll never use? Even worse, early hands-on reports from The Verge and Wired have claimed

that it’s interface lacks the simple elegance of it’s big brother devices. The dial and

“communication button” on the side are really easy to press accidentally. The “glance”

feature that can give you a view of all your apps with a simple swipe apparently means

having to reboot the apps individually when you want to actually interact with them. I

mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m as excited as the next gal to send tiny pictures of hand

drawn dicks to people’s wrists. But for a price somewhere between 350 and 10,000 dollars?

I think not.

Come on, you guys! I mean – you’re Apple! To be awesome you have to do three things:

be super intuitive to use, change the world, and look cool. But the Apple Watch isn’t

super intuitive and looks kinda dorky. Even when it’s made out of solid goooooold. What

the hell is happening? This is your first entirely new product without Steve Jobs. And

so far it’s more disappointing than Dan Casey’s bar mitzvah. Or just Dan Casey. (We love you Dan!)

You are shattering my perception of reality, Apple! Nothing makes sense anymore. What’s

next? Dogs and cats living together? Flying pigs? That’d be kind of cool. Me, going

back to my Android phone?! I do mean it. It’s gonna be chaos!

And why are you making HBO Now Apple exclusive?! You’re holding my precious Game of Thrones

hostage just to push your products!? Make it stooooop!--

Woaaaahhohohh. Relax, Jessica.

[gasp] Spirit Guide Bruce Campbell?

Yep that’s right - in the flesh. Hahaha. Listen, I’m sorry to hear that you’re

so riled up about this whole Apple thing. Look, it’s just a watch. Nobody under the

age of thirty’s worn a watch in like two decades. So it’s fine. You know what I do

when I need to relax?

No, what do you do?

Crack open a ginger ale, put on some easy listening, and slaughter a couple hundred deadites.

Oh, you mean like in the movies.

No, Jessica. They’re real. They’re very real. And they are most definitely not groovy.

In fact, I think I hear one now. Gotta go! Wohooohahhhh!

No! No! Don’t go, Bruce Campbell! Come back! [sobbing] Bruce Campbell, everybody! Be sure

to check out his brand new pop culture trivia series Last Fan Standing, every Monday on

Con-TV.

So, tell me iFriends. What do you think of the Apple Watch? Are you on board for HBO

Now? Should I be more concerned about the deadites? Let’s discuss!

Leave your comments below, Apple friends, click my watch-less wrist to subscribe to

Nerdist, we have all the updates about the Apple Car, and head on over to Nerdist.com

for even more Nerdist News!

Bruce, Bruce, where are you? Come back!

I have other problems too!