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  • Hello there, I'm John Oliver.

  • Look, it's the middle of October, which across the nation means that

  • we are all looking at this and thinking, I don't known why

  • but I simply have to drink that. (Laughter)

  • Yes, it's that special time of year, where we voluntarily imbibe pumpkin-

  • spice lattes, the coffee that tastes like a candle. And--

  • And I don't mean it tastes like a candle smells.

  • Pumpkin-spice lattes taste like a candle tastes.

  • (Laughter & applause) Don't ask me how I know that.

  • But what is strange is that pumpkin- spice foods, inexplicably, seem to

  • grow more omnipresent every year, even though there's no actual

  • pumpkin in the drinks, kind of like how everyone you meet calls himself

  • a DJ all of a sudden, when what they really mean

  • is that they own an iPad and have been to a party.

  • But apparently, each American eats more than five pounds of pumpkin per

  • year, which is more than the amount of pumpkin in five pumpkin pies.

  • And pumpkin pie is the most seasonal food there is.

  • It is only good from the moment Thanksgiving dinner ends until just

  • after you have taken your first bite of it.

  • Five pounds of pumpkin a year is even crazier than the fact that we

  • allegedly swallow eight spiders in a lifetime.

  • (Laughter) Why is it crazier?

  • Because there is no way a pumpkin has ever crawled into my mouth

  • while I was sleeping. (Laughter)

  • And the worst part is, nobody wants anything pumpkin flavored from

  • December through August, and here is how I know that.

  • You can have it whenever you want.

  • That bottle of pumpkin-flavored science goo sits behind the

  • counter of Starbucks all year round, never aging, like Ryan Seacrest.

  • Or the early work of Dr. Dre, which, which really holds up.

  • It really holds up. (Chuckling)

  • Have you listened to The Chronic lately?

  • Go back and do it. It's really great.

  • It's great, except for the sexism and homophobia, which is most of it,

  • but that's not the point. It's really good.

  • The point is, we tolerate pumpkin spice because we like the fall.

  • It's the best season, because you get to stop thinking about how weird

  • your legs look in shorts. That is ev--

  • (Laughter) --that's everyone, right?

  • We all agree on that.

  • But just about anything that reminds us of autumn is a better flavor

  • than pumpkin spice.

  • I personally, for instance, would rather drink a cable-knit-sweater-

  • spice latte, or a Major League Baseball-spice latte, or a keen-

  • awareness-of-my-own- mortality-spice latte,

  • because that's what foliage is. (Laughter)

  • Although, look, it might be an acquired taste--

  • (Applause) --that might be an acquired taste.

  • Pumpkin spice is just eggnog for morning people, okay?

  • And I will be subject to its tyranny no longer.

  • It stops here.

  • We'll be back next week with a brand-new episode of

  • Last Week Tonight.

  • Until then, please ignore the news and continue to drink

  • regular cwaffee. Good night. (Applause & cheering)

  • Closed Captioning by The Closed Captioning Project

  • Captioning for everyone.

Hello there, I'm John Oliver.

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上週今晚與約翰-奧利弗,南瓜辣網絡獨家,HBO - 封閉字幕 (Last Week Tonight with John Oliver, Pumpkins Spice Web Exclusive, HBO - closed captioned)

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    楊皓 發佈於 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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