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  • - Why don't you move here, and then you'd have a bigger place?

    - 你為什麼不搬來呢?這樣你就有比較大的空間?

  • Do you like it here?

    你喜歡這裡嗎?

  • - But--[sighs] I mean,

    - 可是,我在想

  • I don't fit in here-- just straight up body type.

    我沒辦法融入這裡,光看身形就不行

  • Like, in L.A., my arms register as legs.

    在洛杉磯,我的手臂登記的名字是腿

  • They're just like-- [laughter]

    它們就像這樣

  • [laughter]

  • They're like, "Why is that octopus on Sunset?"

    人們會說「那隻章魚在日落大道上幹嘛?」

  • "Is that--" [laughter]

    「那是啥?」

  • It's not-- it's not for me out here.

    我就是不屬於這裡

  • - No? - It's not, no.

    - 會嗎? - 真的不適合我

  • But I--you know.

    但我,你知道的

  • - What do you do when you're here?

    - 你在這裡會做些什麼?

  • - I cry. I just sit in my room...

    - 哭泣,我就坐在我的房間

  • [laughter] Bawling.

    一邊吶喊這樣

  • No, I--

    沒有啦,我

  • Well, last time I was here, right from the show,

    上次我來的時候,因為要上你的秀的關係

  • I got courtside tickets to a Laker game.

    我拿到湖人比賽的明星席

  • - That's fun. - Yeah, 'cause my--

    - 那很棒啊 - 對,因為我

  • my business agent thought I was mad at him

    我的經紀人以為我在對他生氣

  • for sexually harassing me.

    因為他性騷擾我

  • - Well-- - But no, I'm 33,

    - 嗯哼 - 但我一點也沒生氣,我 33 歲了

  • so I'm just starting to really appreciate that,

    所以我開始真的懂得去感激人家性騷擾我

  • you know what I mean? - I see, I see.

    你懂我意思嗎? - 我知道

  • - Well, it's true. I can't speak for everyone.

    - 這是真的,但這是我個人意見啦

  • I'm not like "Sexually harass--"

    我沒有要做個宣告像「性騷擾...」

  • but, in your 20s, I feel like you walk around--

    但是,在你 20 幾歲時,你在路上走路

  • like you'll walk past a construction site,

    像是你穿過工地

  • and be kind of like, "Oh, don't look--"

    你就會像是「喔別看我...」

  • But then, in your 30s, you know, I'm just like,

    但接下來,在你的 30 幾,我就會像

  • "What about this?" [laughter]

    「這個怎麼樣?」

  • "Like, how about--" [laughter]

    「你覺得如何啊?」

  • It's like my skirt's over my head.

    直接把裙子掀到頭上

  • I'm like, "Aah." [laughter]

    我就像「耶」

  • They're like, "We're eating."

    然後那些人會抗議道「我們在吃飯!」

  • But, uh-- [laughter]

    但是

  • [laughter]

  • It changes, it really does.

    真的一切都不一樣了

  • It changes, so-- So I got courtside seats,

    都變了,所以我拿到明星席

  • which--you've sat courtside at a game, right?

    你有坐過明星席吧?

  • - I have, yeah. - I thought--I went--

    - 我有,對 - 我那次去

  • I thought it would be free booze.

    我以爲會有酒精喝到飽

  • Um... [laughter]

    恩..

  • It's not, it's not. [laughter]

    結果沒有,不是這樣的

  • I guess you have to be on the team to get free booze.

    我猜你要是球員才能酒精喝到飽

  • So... - [laughs]

    所以...

  • - I go, I get randomly seated next to Dianna Agron.

    - 我去,然後剛好坐在 Dianna Agron 旁邊

  • You know, the actress. She was on "Glee."

    你知道,那個女演員,她是《歡樂合唱團》的演員

  • She played the cheerleader, Quinn?

    她是演啦啦隊長,昆恩?

  • I mean, that lets you know how hot she is.

    你該看看她有多辣

  • Yeah--oh, there we go. There's the picture.

    沒錯,你們看到了,就是這張照片

  • Thanks for--yes. Isn't that great?

    真是謝謝你們,對吧,這不是很棒嗎?

  • [laughter] She's like--

    她就像

  • the most gorgeous girl ever.

    世上最美麗的女孩

  • Her name was "Quinn" on that show.

    她在戲裡面叫作「昆恩」耶

  • To pull off that name? - Yeah.

    誰能像她完美匹配那個名字? - 真的

  • - Like if my name were "Quinn" on a show,

    - 如果我在一個秀裡的名字叫做「昆恩」

  • they'd be like, "Oh, the jolly Irish groundskeeper, that--"

    他們會以為「那個愛爾蘭滑稽的管理員」

  • [laughter]

  • "Does a jig time and again," you know.

    「又在那邊跳吉格(一種愛爾蘭舞)」

  • But so she's there. Is she not like an angel?

    所以她就在那裡,她是不是像天使一樣?

  • So--and the whole night, she's like,

    然後整晚,她就像

  • She's like this...

    她就像這樣

  • 'cause she knows people are taking pictures of her.

    因為她知道其他人會拍她

  • I obviously don't.

    我顯然不知道

  • [laughter]

  • I learned a lot. I learned that my resting face,

    我學到很多,我發現我的放空臉

  • is just a scowl, is just-- [laughter]

    就像是一個屎臉

  • [laughter]

  • And I learned--and you can see--

    然後我還發現,你可以看到

  • that I have what I'm now calling an "at-risk chin."

    我有的那個,我現在稱它為「即將崩潰下巴」

  • [laughter]

  • This is not a good section!

    這完全不是一個好的剖面

  • [laughter] If I--if I don't,

    如果我不,

  • like keep it at sea level, it just doubles itself, just--

    沒有把它控制在海平面以上,它就直接變雙倍

  • [laughter]

  • I become the dinosaur in the jeep in "Jurassic Park,"

    我直接變成《侏羅紀公園》裡面的恐龍

  • just "Fff!"

    直接「嘶」

  • [laughter]

  • So I'm like--no idea people are taking pictures.

    所以,我完全不知道有人在拍照

  • I'm pounding red wine, and I--

    我在狂灌紅酒,然後

  • I thought it was free-- and I--

    我以為是免費的

  • [laughter]

  • I get red wine teeth right out the gate, you know?

    我就立刻有紅酒漬在牙齒上,你知道吧?

  • Like, just first sniff of merlot,

    就像是我直接把紅葡萄吸進來

  • just "True Blood" mouth.

    就像《噬血真愛》(美國吸血鬼影集)的嘴巴

  • I look like I've been feeding, and I'm eating popcorn,

    我看起來好像是被餵食過的動物,然後我又吃爆米花

  • the way I think we all eat popcorn, which is--

    用我認為「大家都是這樣吃」的方法

  • you know, at first, don't you always kind of start out

    一開始,你難道不是像這樣開始..

  • kind of like lying to yourself?

    類似在騙自己?

  • Like, "I don't know, I'll have a little."

    就像「我不知道耶,我吃一點就好」

  • Ehm. [laughter]

    恩..

  • Like one piece at a time, you know?

    然後一次只吃一個

  • And then--and then, like, you get a little more real.

    接著,接著你就越來越真實

  • Right? [laughter]

    是吧?

  • and then eventually, you just--you get "real" real.

    最終,你就是超級「真實」的真實

  • And just "gah!"

    然後就「嗝!」

  • [laughter]

  • Like, I've split my lip trying to get one more kernel--

    我張開血盆大口想再多塞一個進去

  • [laughter]

  • It's true. In my dumb mouth.

    這是真的,在我大嘴裡

  • It is true.

    這是真的

  • - [laughing hard]

  • - And so that's what happened. If you Google me, it'll be--

    - 這就是那時候發生的事,如果你 Google 我,就會像

  • And I--I look like her, actually.

    我其實長得跟她一模一樣

  • I look like her if she were stung by a million bees.

    我長得跟她被一百萬隻蜜蜂叮過之後一樣

  • [laughter]

  • It's true!

    這是真的

  • I look like her if she were, like, becoming the Hulk.

    我長得像她「浩克變身」之後

  • That's-- [laughter]

    就是

  • And she--you know, she wanted to be friends,

    然後,你知道,她想跟我做朋友

  • and I'm like, "I can't. I can't.

    然後,我就像「我不行、我沒辦法」

  • We don't have-- we're not the same thing."

    我們沒有,我們不是同類

  • Like she was telling me hot people problems, you know.

    舉例來說,她就跟我分享辣妹的問題

  • She's like, "He won't stop calling."

    她就說「他就一直打來,真的很煩」

  • And I'm like, "[whine], I hate that."

    我就是「好討人厭喔!」

  • [laughter]

  • Do you eat popcorn like that, though?

    話說回來你是像我剛剛那樣吃爆米花的嗎?

  • Are you a popcorn lover? - Yeah, I do.

    你是爆米花愛好者嗎? - 是,我是的

  • And I eat it exactly like that. - Right?

    我完全就是那樣吃的 - 對吧?

  • - Yes. - I mean, that's why--

    對 - 我是說,這就是為什麼

  • I'm so annoyed-- I'm single again,

    我真的覺得很煩,你知道,我又單身了

  • so I'm going to have to start dating some guy,

    所以我又要開始一直約會

  • and we'll go to the movies and he'll be like,

    我去看電影,然後男生就會

  • "Do you want to get popcorn?" and I have to be like,

    「你要吃爆米花嗎?」然後我要假裝

  • "Oh, I hadn't even thought about it."

    「喔,我完全沒想到耶!」

  • [laughter]

  • He's like, "What size?" and I'm like,

    他就會問「要大的小的?」

  • "[giggles] A small. Look at me."

    「當然是小的啊,看看我。」

  • [laughter]

  • Right, like a small popcorn? That's like taking one Advil.

    最好是,小的爆米花?這就像是只吃一顆 Advil (止痛藥)

  • Like, "get outta here."

    「你在開玩笑嗎?」

  • [laughter]

  • "Get--I want a trough.

    「我要一個馬槽大小的爆米花,

  • And I want to dunk my head in it."

    我要把我的頭塞進去。」

  • And--and then, you know.

    你知道的

  • I'll be pretending not to think about the popcorn.

    我就要假裝我完全沒在想爆米花

  • - Hilarious. So when you say

    太好笑了,所以當你說

  • you're gonna start dating again, that means that you're--

    你又要開始約會,意思是

  • are you dating at all?

    你現在有在跟人約會嗎?

  • - No, I, um--

    不是耶

  • Well, I know everyone here is like, "How do we date you?"

    我知道在場的大家都想問說「怎樣才能跟你約會?」

  • Thank you. [laughter]

    謝謝大家

  • [laughter]

  • You can't, and not just 'cause I'm not totally out of the woods

    你不行,不是因為我還沒完全脫離...

  • with this UTI I have right now, but also--

    尿道感染的部分,

  • [laughter]

  • but also-- Thank you.

    還有因為,謝謝大家

  • [laughter and applause] Oh, my God.

    喔我的天啊

  • [laughter and applause]

  • No, but I'm not on any dating websites.

    不,我現在沒有在任何約會網站上

  • I don't--I'm on--I have one, like, app on my phone

    我不...我有一個 app 在手機裡

  • that's kind of-- it's called "Foodspotting."

    它叫做「美食定位」

  • [laughter]

  • And it's like Tinder, but for food, so, it lets me know--

    它很像 Tinder,只是是跟食物約會

  • - Is this real? - This is totally real.

    - 這是真的嗎? - 真心不騙

  • It lets--they let you know about food in your area.

    它會讓你知道你附近的食物

  • So, like, this week in L.A., I was eyeing this one particular

    所以這週在洛杉磯,我的目標是

  • scone.

    司康餅

  • And uh-- [laughter]

  • Under a mile away.

    它就在一哩外

  • Coincidence? Probably not.

    是巧合嗎?也許不是

  • [laughter]

  • So, I'm like, "Should I go?" And my friends are like, "Go!

    所以我就在想「我該去嗎?」然後我朋友就說「快去!」

  • Like, check it out!"

    去看看嘛!

  • So I went to the scone, and I kind of just sidled up to it,

    所以我就去跟司康餅見面了,我就悄悄地靠近它

  • and I was like, "Oh, my God, you look just like your picture."

    我就像這樣「我的天,你本人跟照片長得一樣。」

  • [laughter]

  • So I'm kind of dating. Kind of dating.

    所以這就是我的「約會」

  • - It's different than that. You should--

    這跟約會不一樣,你應該

  • [laughs]

  • Oh, my God. - It's pretty much

    我的天 - 我覺得

  • the same exact thing. - Hilarious.

    - 他們差不多是一樣的事啦! - 笑死我了

  • It's almost exactly the same. - Yeah.

    - 幾乎一樣了 - 對

- Why don't you move here, and then you'd have a bigger place?

- 你為什麼不搬來呢?這樣你就有比較大的空間?

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