Do you like it here?

你喜歡這裡嗎？

- But--[sighs] I mean,

- 可是，我在想

I don't fit in here-- just straight up body type.

我沒辦法融入這裡，光看身形就不行

Like, in L.A., my arms register as legs.

在洛杉磯，我的手臂登記的名字是腿

They're just like-- [laughter]

它們就像這樣

[laughter]

They're like, "Why is that octopus on Sunset?"

人們會說「那隻章魚在日落大道上幹嘛？」

"Is that--" [laughter]

「那是啥？」

It's not-- it's not for me out here.

我就是不屬於這裡

- No? - It's not, no.

- 會嗎？ - 真的不適合我

But I--you know.

但我，你知道的

- What do you do when you're here?

- 你在這裡會做些什麼？

- I cry. I just sit in my room...

- 哭泣，我就坐在我的房間

[laughter] Bawling.

一邊吶喊這樣

No, I--

沒有啦，我

Well, last time I was here, right from the show,

上次我來的時候，因為要上你的秀的關係

I got courtside tickets to a Laker game.

我拿到湖人比賽的明星席

- That's fun. - Yeah, 'cause my--

- 那很棒啊 - 對，因為我

my business agent thought I was mad at him

我的經紀人以為我在對他生氣

for sexually harassing me.

因為他性騷擾我

- Well-- - But no, I'm 33,

- 嗯哼 - 但我一點也沒生氣，我 33 歲了

so I'm just starting to really appreciate that,

所以我開始真的懂得去感激人家性騷擾我

you know what I mean? - I see, I see.

你懂我意思嗎？ - 我知道

- Well, it's true. I can't speak for everyone.

- 這是真的，但這是我個人意見啦

I'm not like "Sexually harass--"

我沒有要做個宣告像「性騷擾...」

but, in your 20s, I feel like you walk around--

但是，在你 20 幾歲時，你在路上走路

like you'll walk past a construction site,

像是你穿過工地

and be kind of like, "Oh, don't look--"

你就會像是「喔別看我...」

But then, in your 30s, you know, I'm just like,

但接下來，在你的 30 幾，我就會像

"What about this?" [laughter]

「這個怎麼樣？」

"Like, how about--" [laughter]

「你覺得如何啊？」

It's like my skirt's over my head.

直接把裙子掀到頭上

I'm like, "Aah." [laughter]

我就像「耶」

They're like, "We're eating."

然後那些人會抗議道「我們在吃飯！」

But, uh-- [laughter]

但是

[laughter]

It changes, it really does.

真的一切都不一樣了

It changes, so-- So I got courtside seats,

都變了，所以我拿到明星席

which--you've sat courtside at a game, right?

你有坐過明星席吧？

- I have, yeah. - I thought--I went--

- 我有，對 - 我那次去

I thought it would be free booze.

我以爲會有酒精喝到飽

Um... [laughter]

恩..

It's not, it's not. [laughter]

結果沒有，不是這樣的

I guess you have to be on the team to get free booze.

我猜你要是球員才能酒精喝到飽

So... - [laughs]

所以...

- I go, I get randomly seated next to Dianna Agron.

- 我去，然後剛好坐在 Dianna Agron 旁邊

You know, the actress. She was on "Glee."

你知道，那個女演員，她是《歡樂合唱團》的演員

She played the cheerleader, Quinn?

她是演啦啦隊長，昆恩？

I mean, that lets you know how hot she is.

你該看看她有多辣

Yeah--oh, there we go. There's the picture.

沒錯，你們看到了，就是這張照片

Thanks for--yes. Isn't that great?

真是謝謝你們，對吧，這不是很棒嗎？

[laughter] She's like--

她就像

the most gorgeous girl ever.

世上最美麗的女孩

Her name was "Quinn" on that show.

她在戲裡面叫作「昆恩」耶

To pull off that name? - Yeah.

誰能像她完美匹配那個名字？ - 真的

- Like if my name were "Quinn" on a show,

- 如果我在一個秀裡的名字叫做「昆恩」

they'd be like, "Oh, the jolly Irish groundskeeper, that--"

他們會以為「那個愛爾蘭滑稽的管理員」

[laughter]

"Does a jig time and again," you know.

「又在那邊跳吉格(一種愛爾蘭舞)」

But so she's there. Is she not like an angel?

所以她就在那裡，她是不是像天使一樣？

So--and the whole night, she's like,

然後整晚，她就像

She's like this...

她就像這樣

'cause she knows people are taking pictures of her.

因為她知道其他人會拍她

I obviously don't.

我顯然不知道

[laughter]

I learned a lot. I learned that my resting face,

我學到很多，我發現我的放空臉

is just a scowl, is just-- [laughter]

就像是一個屎臉

[laughter]

And I learned--and you can see--

然後我還發現，你可以看到

that I have what I'm now calling an "at-risk chin."

我有的那個，我現在稱它為「即將崩潰下巴」

[laughter]

This is not a good section!

這完全不是一個好的剖面

[laughter] If I--if I don't,

如果我不，

like keep it at sea level, it just doubles itself, just--

沒有把它控制在海平面以上，它就直接變雙倍

[laughter]

I become the dinosaur in the jeep in "Jurassic Park,"

我直接變成《侏羅紀公園》裡面的恐龍

just "Fff!"

直接「嘶」

[laughter]

So I'm like--no idea people are taking pictures.

所以，我完全不知道有人在拍照

I'm pounding red wine, and I--

我在狂灌紅酒，然後

I thought it was free-- and I--

我以為是免費的

[laughter]

I get red wine teeth right out the gate, you know?

我就立刻有紅酒漬在牙齒上，你知道吧？

Like, just first sniff of merlot,

就像是我直接把紅葡萄吸進來

just "True Blood" mouth.

就像《噬血真愛》(美國吸血鬼影集)的嘴巴

I look like I've been feeding, and I'm eating popcorn,

我看起來好像是被餵食過的動物，然後我又吃爆米花

the way I think we all eat popcorn, which is--

用我認為「大家都是這樣吃」的方法

you know, at first, don't you always kind of start out

一開始，你難道不是像這樣開始..

kind of like lying to yourself?

類似在騙自己？

Like, "I don't know, I'll have a little."

就像「我不知道耶，我吃一點就好」

Ehm. [laughter]

恩..

Like one piece at a time, you know?

然後一次只吃一個

And then--and then, like, you get a little more real.

接著，接著你就越來越真實

Right? [laughter]

是吧？

and then eventually, you just--you get "real" real.

最終，你就是超級「真實」的真實

And just "gah!"

然後就「嗝！」

[laughter]

Like, I've split my lip trying to get one more kernel--

我張開血盆大口想再多塞一個進去

[laughter]

It's true. In my dumb mouth.

這是真的，在我大嘴裡

It is true.

這是真的

- [laughing hard]

- And so that's what happened. If you Google me, it'll be--

- 這就是那時候發生的事，如果你 Google 我，就會像

And I--I look like her, actually.

我其實長得跟她一模一樣

I look like her if she were stung by a million bees.

我長得跟她被一百萬隻蜜蜂叮過之後一樣

[laughter]

It's true!

這是真的

I look like her if she were, like, becoming the Hulk.

我長得像她「浩克變身」之後

That's-- [laughter]

就是

And she--you know, she wanted to be friends,

然後，你知道，她想跟我做朋友

and I'm like, "I can't. I can't.

然後，我就像「我不行、我沒辦法」

We don't have-- we're not the same thing."

我們沒有，我們不是同類

Like she was telling me hot people problems, you know.

舉例來說，她就跟我分享辣妹的問題

She's like, "He won't stop calling."

她就說「他就一直打來，真的很煩」

And I'm like, "[whine], I hate that."

我就是「好討人厭喔！」

[laughter]

Do you eat popcorn like that, though?

話說回來你是像我剛剛那樣吃爆米花的嗎？

Are you a popcorn lover? - Yeah, I do.

你是爆米花愛好者嗎？ - 是，我是的

And I eat it exactly like that. - Right?

我完全就是那樣吃的 - 對吧？

- Yes. - I mean, that's why--

對 - 我是說，這就是為什麼

I'm so annoyed-- I'm single again,

我真的覺得很煩，你知道，我又單身了

so I'm going to have to start dating some guy,

所以我又要開始一直約會

and we'll go to the movies and he'll be like,

我去看電影，然後男生就會

"Do you want to get popcorn?" and I have to be like,

「你要吃爆米花嗎？」然後我要假裝

"Oh, I hadn't even thought about it."

「喔，我完全沒想到耶！」

[laughter]

He's like, "What size?" and I'm like,

他就會問「要大的小的？」

"[giggles] A small. Look at me."

「當然是小的啊，看看我。」

[laughter]

Right, like a small popcorn? That's like taking one Advil.

最好是，小的爆米花？這就像是只吃一顆 Advil (止痛藥)

Like, "get outta here."

「你在開玩笑嗎？」

[laughter]

"Get--I want a trough.

「我要一個馬槽大小的爆米花，

And I want to dunk my head in it."

我要把我的頭塞進去。」

And--and then, you know.

你知道的

I'll be pretending not to think about the popcorn.

我就要假裝我完全沒在想爆米花

- Hilarious. So when you say

太好笑了，所以當你說

you're gonna start dating again, that means that you're--

你又要開始約會，意思是

are you dating at all?

你現在有在跟人約會嗎？

- No, I, um--

不是耶

Well, I know everyone here is like, "How do we date you?"

我知道在場的大家都想問說「怎樣才能跟你約會？」

Thank you. [laughter]

謝謝大家

[laughter]

You can't, and not just 'cause I'm not totally out of the woods

你不行，不是因為我還沒完全脫離...

with this UTI I have right now, but also--

尿道感染的部分，

[laughter]

but also-- Thank you.

還有因為，謝謝大家

[laughter and applause] Oh, my God.

喔我的天啊

[laughter and applause]

No, but I'm not on any dating websites.

不，我現在沒有在任何約會網站上

I don't--I'm on--I have one, like, app on my phone

我不...我有一個 app 在手機裡

that's kind of-- it's called "Foodspotting."

它叫做「美食定位」

[laughter]

And it's like Tinder, but for food, so, it lets me know--

它很像 Tinder，只是是跟食物約會

- Is this real? - This is totally real.

- 這是真的嗎？ - 真心不騙

It lets--they let you know about food in your area.

它會讓你知道你附近的食物

So, like, this week in L.A., I was eyeing this one particular

所以這週在洛杉磯，我的目標是

scone.

司康餅

And uh-- [laughter]

對

Under a mile away.

它就在一哩外

Coincidence? Probably not.

是巧合嗎？也許不是

[laughter]

So, I'm like, "Should I go?" And my friends are like, "Go!

所以我就在想「我該去嗎？」然後我朋友就說「快去！」

Like, check it out!"

去看看嘛！

So I went to the scone, and I kind of just sidled up to it,

所以我就去跟司康餅見面了，我就悄悄地靠近它

and I was like, "Oh, my God, you look just like your picture."

我就像這樣「我的天，你本人跟照片長得一樣。」

[laughter]

So I'm kind of dating. Kind of dating.

所以這就是我的「約會」

- It's different than that. You should--

這跟約會不一樣，你應該

[laughs]

Oh, my God. - It's pretty much

我的天 - 我覺得

the same exact thing. - Hilarious.

- 他們差不多是一樣的事啦！ - 笑死我了

It's almost exactly the same. - Yeah.

- 幾乎一樣了 - 對