How many of you are blamers?

你是愛抱怨的人嗎？

How many of you, when something goes wrong, the first thing you want to know is whose fault it is?

當事情出錯時，你們當中有多少人第一件想知道的事情是「這是誰的錯」？

Hi. My name is Brené. I'm a blamer.

嗨！我是布芮尼，我超愛抱怨。

I need to tell you this quick story, so this was a couple of years ago when I realized the magnitude to which I blame.

我要告訴你一個小故事，關於我在幾年前，發現原來自己這麼愛抱怨。

I'm in my house. I'm on white slacks and a pink sweater set, and I'm drinking a cup of coffee in my kitchen - it's a full cup of coffee.

當時我在家裡，穿著白色休閒褲和粉紅色毛衣，我在廚房裡喝咖啡，一杯很滿的咖啡。

I drop it on the tiled floor.

我把它打翻在地上。

It goes into a million pieces, splashes up all over me.

杯子碎了一地，咖啡濺得我全身都是。

And the first... I mean a millisecond after it hit the floor, right out of my mouth is this: damn you Steve.

我第一個念頭...我是說杯子掉到地面的剎那，我脫口而出的是：史蒂夫去死！

(LAUGHTER)

(笑聲)

Who was my husband.

那個人是我老公

Because let me tell you how fast this works for me.

讓我解釋一下為什麼我立刻想到他

So Steve plays water polo with a group of friends.

是這樣的，史蒂夫要去跟朋友打水球

And the night before he went to go play water polo.

他要去打水球的前一晚

And I said, "Hey, make sure you come back at ten. Cause you know I can't fall asleep until you're home."

我跟他說「你 10 點前要回來喔，因為你沒到家我睡不著。」

And he got back at like 10:30, and so I went to bed a little bit later than I thought.

結果他大概 10 點半到家，所以我那天稍微晚睡。

Ergo, my second cup of coffee, that I probably would not be having had he come home when we discussed.

因此，我的第二杯咖啡，如果他準時回家我是不用喝的。

Therefore... (LAUGHTER)

所以... (笑聲)

And so, the rest of the story is, I'm cleaning up the kitchen.

接下來的故事是，在我清理廚房的時候。

(PHONE RINGS) Steve calls.

(電話鈴聲) 史蒂夫打來了。

Caller ID. I'm, like, "Hey."

看到來電顯示，我說「喂？」

He's like, "Hey. What's going on, babe?"

他說「嘿怎麼啦寶貝？」

"Huh. What's going on?"

「你還敢問？」

Um... (LAUGHTER)

嗯... (笑聲)

"So I'll tell you exactly what's going on.

「讓我來告訴你發生什麼事。」

I'm cleaning up the coffee that spilled all..."

「我正在清理灑得滿地的...」

Dial tone!

電話掛斷！

(LAUGHTER) Cos he knows.

(笑聲) 因為他知道我又來了。

How many of you go to that place, when something bad happens, the first thing you want to know is whose fault is it?

你有沒有這樣的經驗，當壞事發生，你第一個想知道的是到底該怪誰？

I'd rather it be MY fault than no one's fault. Because why?

我寧願做錯事的人是我，也不願怪別人。為什麼？

It gives us some semblance of control.

抱怨給我們掌控的假象。

But here, if you enjoy blaming, this is where you should stick your fingers in your ear and do the "nanana" thing, cos I'm getting ready to ruin it for you.

但如果你樂在其中，這時候你就該摀著耳朵來「啦啦啦聽不到~」那套，因為我將要摧毀你的樂趣。

Cause here's what we know from the research.

我們從研究中得知：

Blame is simply the discharging of discomfort and pain.

抱怨只是在宣洩不安與痛苦。

It has an inverse relationship with accountability.

與承擔責任恰好相反。

Accountability, by definition, is a vulnerable process.

就定義上來說，承擔責任是個脆弱的過程。

It means me calling you and saying, "Hey my feelings were really hurt about that." And talking, not blaming.

就像我打給你跟你說：「發生這樣的事我感到很難過。」傾訴而不怪罪。

Blaming is simply a way that we discharge anger.

抱怨只是我們宣洩憤怒的管道。

People who blame a lot seldom have the tenacity and grit to actually hold people accountable, because we've spent all of our energy raging for 15 seconds and figuring out whose fault something is.

愛抱怨的人通常沒膽堅持有人非負責到底不可，因為我們把力氣用在短暫的暴怒，以及搞清楚到底該怪誰。

And blaming's very corrosive in relationships.

而抱怨也很傷感情。

It's one of the reasons we miss our opportunities for empathy.

讓我們錯過將心比心的機會。

Because when something happens and we're hearing a story, we're not really listening.

因為當事情發生時，我們就像是聽聽故事而沒有用心傾聽。

We're in the place where I was making the connections as quickly as we can about whose fault something was.

就像從前的我一樣，只想趕快搞清楚事情該怪誰。

Closed captions by Access Subtitling

字幕由 Access Subtitling 提供