Jr., and it was kinda okay we guess if you like that sort of thing. And then there was

Donkey Kong 3, which was an abomination by any stretch of the imagination. But even that

nadir, that pit of despair couldn’t prepare gamers for what was about to come down the

pike... ARITHMETIC.

Yeah. Screw Uncharted, Arkham Asylum, or Skyrim. THIS IS ACTION. You never know from one minute

to the next if you’re gonna make it safely to that next number. And the falling hazards!

One wrong sum, and you could plummet to your doom! DOOM!

… Naah, I’m not fooling anyone. It’s math. Not exactly the most riveting action

known to man. Welcome to the dark horse of the NES Launch lineup: Donkey Kong Jr. Math.

The one and only game in the “Education” series, and for good reason. It... stinks.

Y’see that? You climb all over chains, doing math. Big pappa DK holds up a sign with a

number, and you have to arrive at that sum through some combination of addition, subtraction,

multiplication, and division. Do this five times, and you win. Win what? Well, the knowledge

that you are, in fact, smarter than a potted plant, and a trip back to the title screen.

Oddly enough, even if there’s only one player, the second-player DK Jr. appears on screen,

just chillin’ while you do all the work. Who is this other Donkey Kong Junior? Are

they twins? Some bastard child of DK and Pauline? He does look kinda hairless.

Anyway. That’s the calculate mode, only one half of this game’s superlative (ly

dismal) offering. A whole new world of pain awaits in the Plus-minus-x-division-sign exercise,

where (after selecting a difficulty by climbing up a chain and pointing at it...

… you have to complete a math problem by... climbing chains. The higher up the chain,

the higher the number for that particular place. Moving to the next chain to the left

locks in your choice... and if you realize you made a mistake (even if that mistake was

accidentally hitting left), you get to do the whole thing over again. I have no idea

of the thought processes that led someone - anyone - to think that doing multiplication

with chains and an ape would be in any way satisfying, but - for better or worse - it

happened. And now we can point and laugh at it, from almost three decades in the future.

That’s all this game entails: Doing math and running Junior around. Man. Donkey Kong

must be a horrible father. Most would just sign the kid up for tutoring, or let him watch

Square One or something. But to make your children fight to the death over hazardous

terrain, climbing chains to appease the big ape and his sign full of numbers... well,

we’re getting into Genma Saotome levels of parental neglect. I realize that a good

understanding of math is essential to success in life... but poor ol’ DK Junior just fell

off the face of the earth. From having his own breakfast cereal and TV show, to competing

in go-cart races for a shot at redemption, to a mere cameo in the GBA version of Mario

3... wherever he is, at least he knows that 39,103 x 136 is 5,318, 008.