[turns on loud rock/punk music] Your new roommate.

I have a roommate.

Well, don’t you catch on fast.

No, I mean I have a pre-existing roommate. A prior roommate. Her name is Betty.

Oh, yeah? Where’s she?

She’s… missing right now.

I see.

So, you can’t produce this Betty or anything, but you’d like me to leave?

Well, I wouldn’t put it exactly like tha—

What are you doing?

Well, you see, I may not have a missing roommate, but what I do have is a letter from

the dean of students that says I live here now.

Stop that! Those are not yours.

Well, they’re in my half room, cutie. And possession is nine tenths.

This isn’t your room.

Tell you what.

You cough up Betty and I’ll hit the road. But until then..

Oh, this is not happening. You are not my new roommate!

I’m gonna find Betty, and you’re gonna be out of here so fast there’s gonna be

scorch marks on those leather pants of yours.

[Laura sighs]

Well, it is day three of the incursion here in room 307 and Betty is still missing.

She has been officially replaced with the roommate from hell.

Don’t believe me? Let’s roll the surveillance.

She keeps wearing Betty’s clothes.

She steals my chocolate.

She never cleans anything.

She’s never awake before 4 PM,

which is perhaps unsurprising when she’s up all night with some girl from my anthropology class.

In MY bed.

But it’s fine, really. Because when Carmilla’s latest “study buddy” came over,

I may have mentioned that Carmilla has raging cold sores and she should

probably get herself checked out because they are like, super contagious.

Boom! Revenge is mine.

And so is Carmilla’s super special soy milk that I’m not supposed to touch because

[imitating Carmilla] that’s just the way the world works, cutie. Huh...

[screams] Ahh! Oooh!