This is our first show of 2015.

And how are the resolutions going?

Everybody still on your--

[laughter] Good.

I don't see any doughnuts in anybody's hands, so that's--

that's a good sign.

You had a nice holiday and all that stuff?

Good.

I'm happy for you.

[laughter]

I--do you want to hear about mine?

audience: Yeah! - Okay.

Okay. I thought maybe you would.

I would love to be able to say I had a great Christmas

and it was peaceful and restful and jolly and all that stuff,

but I would be lying.

It was not.

It involved high winds and high fevers

and packing peanuts.

audience: Aw.

- I dare you to change the channel now.

[laughter]

All right, here's what happened. I'll tell you all about it.

Portia and I decided we were gonna spend the holidays at home

'cause we didn't want to get--

airplanes, to me, that's how you get sick,

so I'm like, "I'm not gonna get on a plane."

So we stayed at home, and, of course, I got sick.

And so we drove up to our house up north--

not too far north.

It's somewhere between, like, Glendale and Santa.

And-- [laughter]

You'll never find me now.

So Christmas Eve, it started to get windy

where we were up north, and-- not too bad.

It was like--you know, you just saw the trees blowing.

[imitates wind whistling]

You could hear it like that.

And--so it was nice.

It was like, "Oh, that's nice. It's windy."

And then the winds kicked up to--

and I'm not just saying this as a number.

It was 70-mile-an-hour winds.

It sounded like a tornado.

It was like... [imitates wind gusting]

Now I've hurt my throat. [laughter]

It was, like, really loud and windy and--

anyway, we go to sleep

just thinking everything's gonna be okay.

Well, during the night at some point,

a big, large, large branch came down

and took out a power line, and the whole neighborhood--

Christmas Day, we wake up,

whole neighborhood out of power.

Merry Christmas, everybody.

And so--well, technically, the tree was on our property,

so it was our fault, you could say,

but Oprah lives in the neighborhood,

so I'm blaming her.

[laughter]

It was Oprah's tree.

And so on Christmas Day, we get up

and tried to make coffee.

No coffee because, you know, no power.

I don't want to brag.

We have the electric coffeemaker.

And so--anyway, so-- and I'm sick.

Did I mention that? I'm sick.

I'm very sick.

And so it's freezing in our house

because the heat doesn't work 'cause there's no electricity,

so I'm wearing a wool cap and a huge, huge jacket.

I look like a Gorton's fisherman.

You know, the-- [laughter]

So there's no electricity, and so there's no TV,

so Portia says, "Let's get the computer out.

Let's watch someone on Netflix."

No internet.

And so we're living like animals at this point.

[laughter]

Portia's licking my face to keep me from passing out, and--

no, but she did-- you know, she said,

"Let's open gifts and we'll feel better.

We'll open gifts."

And so nice, right?

No. Wrong.

[laughter]

I open the gift that she gives me,

and it's a beautiful piece of pottery

that I wanted, that I had seen,

and when I open up the--

they pack it in Styrofoam-m--

Styrofoam p-peanuts, packing peanuts.

I can't say the word without--

I hate Styrofoam.

[laughter] And--

it's not a joke.

The word-- I'm not gonna say it again.

"Packing peanuts" is what I'll call it.

And--'cause I don't say "hate"--

I don't--I don't like to hate anything, but I...

[voice quavering] hate Styrofoam.

And-- [laughter]

And cotton balls. I hate cotton balls.

[laughter]

Those two things I hate.

So anyway, so the packing peanuts were everywhere,

and I was trying to get the pottery out

from the... packing peanuts,

and so that's when the electricity--

not the electricity, but static electricity.

So my entire body is covered with packing peanuts.

[laughter] Covered.

And I would try to get them into the garbage bag

and do that, and then it would be on the next hand,

and then it was just-- literally, it became--

I was covered in this thing that I can't say the name of.

And I'm sure I looked crazy, but I couldn't see

'cause my eyes were covered with packing peanuts.

So the electricity finally comes back on at 4:30,

and I think, "All I want is a hot shower."

I'm still sick, I'm very sick,

and I just want a hot shower.

Sounds nice, right?

Well, you see where this is going.

No hot water. [laughter]

Totally unrelated to the power outage, no hot water.

So to recap: It's Christmas.

I'm dressed like a Gorton's fisherman,

covered in packing peanuts, tears frozen in my eyes.

They wouldn't-- just stuck to the sides.

And I'm sick, I'm dirty, I'm undercaffeinated.

The only good news is, Portia was not sick.

She got sick on New Year's Eve.

[laughter]

So that's a whole nother story.

And I feel bad about the whole power going out and everything,

but the point of the whole story is,

Oprah ruined Christmas.

[laughter]

That's my point.

I'm glad-- I'm feeling better.

Everybody's feeling good.

I hope that you're all healthy and happy.

And let's all start this brand-new year

with a dance.