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  • -Sorry.

  • Great tackle though, wasn't it?

  • -Actually, it was a foul.

  • You tackled me around the neck.

  • -Oh.

  • I'll never make the rugby team.

  • -I'm surprised your father's allowing you to take part.

  • -Hello.

  • Favorite child, son and heir.

  • -So you haven't asked him yet, have you?

  • -I'm waited for the right moment.

  • -(WHISPERING) This probably isn't it.

  • -I thought a mob of peasants was trying

  • to break into the castle.

  • What's with all the noise?

  • ZOLTAN: Master Vladimir wants to play a game with the breathers.

  • THE COUNT: Oh.

  • Like a see who can get the most screaming

  • villagers on a spike kind of game?

  • -No, dad.

  • It's called rugby.

  • THE COUNT: The rugby players huddle together, toss the ball

  • around, and pat each other on the back for being good sports.

  • Good sports.

  • I didn't impale half of Wallachia,

  • so you could be a good sport.

  • -But all the other boys play rugby.

  • Please let me try out for the team.

  • THE COUNT: No.

  • You mustn't play with your food.

  • You'll spoil your appetite.

  • VLAD: Please, Dad.

  • Please, please, please, please, please,

  • please, please, please---

  • -No, no, no, no, no.

  • This is not happening.

  • -It's no good.

  • Does he look like a rugby player to you?

  • -Thanks, Chloe.

  • I think.

  • MR. BRANAGH: You know if he took off that cloak.

  • Got a bit of sun on his face.

  • He might look quite normal.

  • ROBIN: Hello.

  • I'm right here, Dad.

  • -Oh, we're sorry, love.

  • It's only because we care about you.

  • -And yet, you want me to get my teeth knocked out.

  • -Come on, Robin.

  • You'll learn to love it.

  • You're a Branagh after all.

  • ROBIN: Read my lips, N-O way.

  • -This is not up for discussion.

  • You're playing rugby, and that's final.

  • -Hey, cool rugby top.

  • -No, it's not cool.

  • My parents made me wear it.

  • -They said I have to try out for the rugby team.

  • -They want me to join in and look normal.

  • -Those barbarians.

  • Forcing their beloved child to turn against his own nature.

  • A boy should be free to follow the desires

  • pulsing in his heart.

  • -Exactly, so can I play rugby, dad, please?

  • -Absolutely not.

  • ROBIN: Are you mad?

  • Rugby's a horrible, brutal sport.

  • -It is?

  • -The teachers actually encourage the players

  • to push each other in the mud.

  • And then they huddle up close before they push the other team

  • and stamp on their heads.

  • -And my Vladimir wants to partake.

  • Why didn't you tell me before?

  • -I did.

  • Wait.

  • I can play?

  • -Of course, you can.

  • I'm proud of you, boy.

  • At last, you're showing an interest

  • in violence and cruelty.

  • INGRID: I'm violent and cruel, Dad.

  • Look.

  • -Ow.

  • THE COUNT: Ingrid, of course you are, but there's something

  • very important you've overlooked.

  • -What?

  • -It's Vlad that I'm interested in.

  • Finally, you're going to bring glory to the family name.

  • -Whoa, Dad.

  • Slow down.

  • I may not get picked.

  • -You shall triumph with my help, of course.

  • I will teach you a few vampire tricks that never fail.

  • -Yes.

  • I can't wait.

  • THE COUNT: Ingrid, Ingrid, Ingrid.

  • When are you going to accept that you're a girl.

  • You don't need to learn any tricks.

  • Now go bother yourself with-- oh,

  • I don't know, dusting skulls, polishing coffins, whatever.

  • INGRID: You can't ignore me for the rest of my life.

  • -Yes, I can, and I will.

  • And then one day, your husband will ignore you instead.

  • INGRID: We've been over this. I don't need a husband.

  • -Of course, you do.

  • Someone has to tell you what to do.

  • -Wait a minute.

  • Are you saying that once I married,

  • you won't tell me what to do?

  • -I won't even have to talk to you.

  • -Fine.

  • I'll go and get myself a husband then.

  • THE COUNT: And you're getting that fixed, young lady.

  • -What delusion of grandeur made you think I would pick you?

  • You're pathetic, talentless, and your blood

  • type doesn't go with anything.

  • -Next.

  • -Ugh.

  • His hairline is all wrong.

  • -Next.

  • -Branagh.

  • Ian Branagh.

  • License to thrill.

  • I've entitled this poem, "An Ode to Ingrid." [clears throat]

  • I wandered lonely as a dog that hasn't found his owner yet.

  • When all at once, I saw Ingrid, and I

  • knew she would want a pet.

  • -Groveling.

  • Pathetic.

  • I kind of like that.

  • Write his name down.

  • -Move on, loser.

  • It's time for rock.

  • (SINGING) It's about Ingrid.

  • It's about Ingrid, baby.

  • It's about Ingrid.

  • -Great.

  • More wailing.

  • -(SINGING) It's about Ingrid.

  • Yeah.

  • -So when's the good bit?

  • Write his name down.

  • He's as ugly as the other one.

  • FRIEND: Next.

  • -Wait.

  • I don't suppose either of you is any good at carpentry.

  • -Why?

  • -I broke a table at the castle, and someone needs to fix it.

  • -Oh.

  • I'm ace at woodwork.

  • Well, quite talented.

  • Average-ish.

  • OK.

  • I'm pants.

  • -Next.

  • -Hi, Ingrid.

  • I know someone who can--

  • -I've told you a million times, Jonathan.

  • I am never, ever going to go out with you.

  • -Now, into the center.

  • Go on.

  • Right.

  • Repeat it back to me.

  • -I must not bite ears, kick shins,

  • or elbow the other players.

  • -Until?

  • -Until I'm sure the referee can't see me.

  • -Now, we're talking rugby.

  • -But Dad, it's cheating.

  • -I know.

  • Isn't it fun?

  • Right.

  • Let's try some offensive play.

  • I'll tackle.

  • Renfield!

  • -You two, try and block me.

  • -Tackle me?

  • -Ready.

  • One, two, three-- Go!

  • -Mommy!

  • Oh.

  • -For the dead travel fast as they say in my homeland.

  • I know.

  • I know I-- I make it look so easy.

  • ROBIN: That was brilliant.

  • -I thought you didn't like rugby.

  • -I don't.

  • This is evil.

  • -What are you doing?

  • -I got great idea, Jonno.

  • I'm going to snap that parasitic vampire in action.

  • Show the pictures to the world.

  • -Dad, vampires don't exist.

  • -Don't exist?

  • There's one in this very town, Jonathan.

  • He wears a cloak.

  • He lives in a castle.

  • What more proof do you need?

  • Now, where's my dynamite?

  • -Dynamite?

  • -Well, I got to get into the castle somehow.

  • -Oh, brilliant plan, Dad.

  • Very under cover.

  • Because no one will know it's a massive explosion, will they?

  • -Trust me, son.

  • I've been doing this a long time.

  • Dynamite has never let me down before.

  • -You won't need dynamite, Dad.

  • Ingrid broke a table at the castle,

  • and they need a carpenter.

  • Why don't you offer to mend it?

  • -Jonathan, is it really you speaking?

  • I'm proud of you, my boy.

  • We'll make a vampire slayer of you yet.

  • -Right, Vlad.

  • Now it's your turn.

  • Renfield, stand over there.

  • Renfield!

  • -Mes, Yaster.

  • -Try to stop Vlad from getting past you.

  • Now, Vlad, to the attack.

  • -No one gets past, Renfield the Repulsive.

  • -This is useless.

  • I'm never going to get on the team.

  • -Don't be ridiculous.

  • Of course, you will.

  • He'll never get on the team.

  • What's wrong with him?

  • -He needs to get a thirst for it, your evilness.

  • -Ah, thirst to succeed. Come think to think of it.

  • All this violent exercise has given me a thirst.

  • -Whoops.

  • -Vlad, your dad's got that funny look in his eyes again.

  • -No.

  • Don't worry.

  • You won't feel a thing, not after you're dead anyway.

  • -Vlad!

  • -Dad, stop!

  • Friends are not food.

  • Remember.

  • -There.

  • I knew you could do it.

  • -What?

  • Was all that a trick?

  • -Of course, a trick.

  • Very funny.

  • -How could you?

  • -Just proving a point.

  • You see.

  • You can use your powers when you want to.

  • -But Dad, I didn't use any powers.

  • -Well, then how did you get past Renfield the Repulsive?

  • -(SQUEAKY) With a well-aimed tackle.

  • -Oh, I'm proud of you, my son.

  • What a vampire I'll make of you yet.

  • ROBIN: No.

  • No!

  • Don't pass it to me.

  • CHLOE: Robin, Robin, wake up.

  • Wake up.

  • -I just had a terrible nightmare.

  • I was playing rugby.

  • CHLOE: And?

  • -No, that's it.

  • Help me get out of the trials tomorrow.

  • I'm begging you.

  • CHLOE: Well, I might have one idea that might help.

  • -Thanks, Chloe.