Remember the first day of freshman year

還記得進大學的第一天

when you were nothing but a name and a dot on the map at the front of the hall?

你還是個拿著地圖找禮堂的無名小卒嗎？

Remember when our parents dropped us off in those rooms too small for all of our expectations

還記得父母載我們到比預期還小的宿舍，

let alone our naivety?

留下天真的我們嗎？

Remember when you told me that you weren’t sure but you were pretty sure

還記得你不確定到底愛不愛我，卻堅定地

that you were gonna declare a double major in Philosophy and English

表示自己會雙主修哲學和英文

because you cried the first time you read The Perks of Being a Wallflower

因為你第一次讀《壁花男孩》就感動地痛哭

and we both share a sacred and unquenchable lust for bad science fiction?

而且我們都克制不了神聖科幻片的吸引力

Remember when we both thought we were going to find ourselves, changed the world

還記得我們要一起發展所長、改變世界

and all of the other slogans we memorized from the view books,

其他人問我們長大後的志願時

the ones that we stitched to our throats when they asked us what we wanted to be when we grew up?

我們順口講出記得的口號嗎？

So when you changed your major to econ,

你轉到經濟系

so when you pledged that fraternity,

你誓言加入兄弟會

so when you exchanged t-shirt for j-crews,

你丟掉T恤換穿名牌貨

so when you accepted that job offer at an investment bank because

你進入投資銀行工作，因為

you swore you were just going to dismantle the system from within because

你發誓要解散內部系統，因為

you were just different from the rest of them.

你與眾不同

I wondered at what point we become the tucked in shirt,

我不知道什麼時候我們開始穿襯衫、打領帶

the 9 to 5 we grew up fearing.

成為朝九晚五的上班族

You, whose love of learning far surpassed the stickers your teachers adorned your homework with

你的學習速度時常超越老師的上課進度

You, who could not fall asleep that night in debate camp when you read Marx for the first time

你在辯論營的晚上，讀馬克思主義讀到睡著

because the world just finally made sense again

因為世界總算有意義了

You, whose creativity refused to be disciplined

你的創意帶你跳脫紀律

What happened to you?

你怎麼了？

You, who sacrificed dream for diploma, revolution for resume

你為文憑履歷犧牲夢想和革命

and that factory which tries to produce profit out of every potential prophet

工廠賺取額外利潤

where change falls from hearts into pockets

讓人良心不安墮落成數著口袋白花花的鈔票

won’t really teach you how to stop it

沒有人導正你的想法

because we gotta make that endowment rocket.

因為我們要快速致富

Small liberal arts college degree becomes a fancy way of saying

不起眼的藝術大學學位變成

“can spend 8 hours designing PowerPoint slides,”

「八小時就能設計出投影片」

or “will sacrifice all promises for promotion,”

、「為升遷犧牲承諾」

or “can seduce potential business clients by quoting classic literature I read in college.”

或「用大學學到的經典文學誘導客戶」的玩笑

So what if the best way to dominate a world is to pretend that you are saving it?

如果主導世界的最好辦法是假裝你拯救了世界呢？

So what if this education was really about teaching us how to become so ignorant that we forgot how to think for ourselves?

如果教育真的教我們如何不學無術，忘了為自己盤算未來呢？

You, the twenty something year old idealist gone corporate

二十歲是進入公司最理想的年紀

in your first suit throwing theory at a wall that will swallow you up and spit you back out on the street,

穿著人生第一套套裝，在台上發表著會吞噬你、讓你在街上被吐口水的言論

discharged, like the cold hard cash of an ATM machine.

那些唾液就像從ATM領出冰冷的鈔票

Your heartbeat reduced to a series of transactions.

你的心跳早已變成一系列的和解協議

I almost thought that when you hugged me goodbye you would ask me for a receipt,

我還以為你抱著我說再見後，會和我要收據

proof of purchase for a friendship you only consumed when it made cents for your career trajectory.

證明你買了為職涯加分的友誼

I’m sorry I did not make the cut for the walking resume you mistake as a body,

我很抱歉我的履歷不合格

but I still want to believe in you,

但我仍相信你

because I want to believe in the power of a creativity undisciplined:

因為我相信不受拘束的創意

the time we saw her smile, saw our first eclipse, read our first book,

看她微笑的時候、看我們第一次失敗的時候、讀我們的第一本書的時候

the joy and chaos of it all.

的那些歡樂和喧鬧

So what if it’s just chaos?

如果當初只有喧鬧呢？

The time and space before friendship got postponed by deadlines,

時間和空間都因友誼而得以延期

before future was segregated into interviews and internships.

因未來而分隔成面試和實習

So what if we are really nothing,

如果我們只是泛泛之輩

like the dot on the map from freshman year?

只是當年地圖上的一小點

And what if that is beautiful?

如果那是一種美呢？

What if we both cried when our parents left us but we did not tell each other?

如果當初我們都沒有坦白為家長丟下我們而哭的糗事呢？

What if I am crying that you are leaving me but I will not tell you

如果我為你離開我而哭泣，我不會向你坦白

because I no longer have the market value to make you listen

因為我已經沒有讓你傾聽的市場價值了

that I think you are worth more than any salary increase that they will give you,

我認為你應得更好的薪水

that I do not think that your heartbeat can be transcribed on a spreadsheet of numbers,

我不認為你的心跳已經轉譯在數字表格中

that I am broke but not broken.

我很受傷，但我還沒心碎

Wondering what you could’ve been before you sold out.

我還在猜你拋售前會得到什麼

Thank you. Thank you.

謝謝

In the spirit…in the spirit of full disclosure, I am here to recruit you.

完全保密的精神，你正式被錄用了

This is not a recruitment interview like the ones your career centers have prepared you for.

這跟你在職業輔導中心準備的面試不一樣

I do not care where you went to school nor what you majored in.

你讀哪間學校、你主修什麼都不重要

These things are no longer relevant in a world

這些都和世界無關

where we are losing some of our most creative and dynamic minds to the epidemic of success.

人在成功時，都失去了創意和活力

This is not the crisis that they will tell you about on the news,

這種危機你在新聞上看不到

that the economy is tanking, the world is at war.

經濟停滯，世界處於交戰狀態

This is something far different.

這和你想像的差很多

Too many things are working too well.

很多事情都正常運作

The government isn’t broken. It’s working.

政府沒有解散

Our universities are not broken. They are perfect.

大學也沒有倒閉，它們都很完美

Our generation is not apathetic. It is flourishing.

我們這一代感情很豐富

This means that you are not actually an innovator, a leader,

這代表你不是一個創意者、一個領袖

an exceptional student or all of the other medals they have placed around your neck.

一個特別的學生，或是表現優異的學生

These are merely accomplishments you’ve been taught your entire life that define yourself worth.

這些都只是詮釋個人價值的成就

Should you desire to be successful you will not actually bring human rights for all,

想要成功，你不應該為人類帶來利益

eliminate poverty and global warming and fix Congress.

減少貧窮人口和全球暖化問題並重組國會？

Should you go in with these mindsets chances are you will fail in the same ways all the generations before you have failed.

你應該改變心態，不應該認為所有人都會比你更早失敗

The truth is the key to changing the world is

改變世界的最好方法就是

finding a way to fail to live up to its expectation.

找尋方法以達到期望

Hi. My name is Alov Vaid-Menon,

嗨！我是Alov Vaid-Menon

and you could call me a fashionista, activist, general provocateur,

你可以稱呼我為追求時髦的人、行動主義分子或首席密探

but I prefer to call myself a professional failure.

但我比較喜歡叫我自己專業的失敗者

Someone who, at least my mom reminds me, was destined for all of the riches of the world,

至少我媽媽提醒著我，我註定會成為有錢人

but somehow messed up on the way.

但有時候情況也不是這麼美好

You see, I grew up in a comfortable middle class Indian family,

我在印度一個小康家庭長大

where the expectation was that I grow up and become some fancy schmancy academic.

家人給我的期望就是長大成為古怪又好笑的大學生

With two PhD parents, the bar was always set high.

我爸媽都是博士，他們對我要求很高

I remember getting chastised for talking on the phone rather than reading the New York Times.

我記得我曾經因講電話，沒有讀紐約時報而被打

I soon learned that the secret to legitimacy was finding a scholar who had written about something.

我很快就學到讓行為合理的秘密，那就是找一個寫過一些大道理的學者

This is how I discovered Critical Youtube Studies. It’s real.

而這就是為什麼我會找到Critical Youtube Studies，這是真的

It wasn’t so much that my parents pressured me to succeed;

其實我父母沒有給我太大壓力要成為一個成功者

it was more of a quite expectation.

但那是一種期望

You see, this was part of our immigration story.

這是我們移民的故事之一

To move to this country and not really challenge any of its rules,

為了要移民到這個國家，而且不挑戰該國法律

but rather beat everyone else at their own game,

當然不只是在遊戲中打贏其他人

which goes to say that from an early age, it seemed like success was the only way to justify my parents’ journey across the ocean.

早期，那就像是唯一能證明我父母遠渡重洋的事

But when I got into Stanford, my parents weren’t really that excited for me.

但我進入史丹佛讀書時，我父母並沒有那麼期待

It was something more, well, expected.

期望的成分居多

It was only when I got to university that I began to recognize how violent success can actually be.

我進入大學，才意識到要如何達成激烈的成功

I remember the day vividly.

我永遠忘不了那一天

It was our opening convocation and the keynote speaker said

那天是我們第一次的集會，專題演講者說

that we were all the future leaders of the world

在有動作之前

before we had actually done anything.

我們都是未來世界的領袖

And I remember thinking the way that we were discussing success was actually less about what our impact was

我記得我們討論成功其實比我們的影響還遙不可及

and more about our shared prestige.

但比我們享有的名聲還有用

In the beginning, all of my classmates had some brilliant ideas of what it was going to take to fix the world’s problems,

一開始，所有同學對於如何改善世界的問題都有很棒的想法

but over time their methods became, shall we say, less specific.

但過了一段時間，他們的方法都變得稀鬆平常

We were expected to congratulate the public servant

大家期待我們去恭喜那些公務員

who accepted a job offer at a corporation that left hundreds of thousands of people starving.

在政府得到工作機會，免於淪為幾十萬沒有工作的人之一

We were expected to applaud for a keynote speaker and not mentioned his support for racist policies.

大家期待我們為專題演講者鼓掌，卻不提起他支持的種族政策

Low and behold my classmates continued to flock to all these talks by “success stories,”

同學們持續擁護著那些主打「成功故事」的演講

not necessarily because of what they had done,

當然不是因為他們所為

but rather because of this elusive concept of who they were.

而是因為這種概念難以理解

Success has never actually been about fixing problems;

成功從來都不只是解決問題而已

it’s been about perpetuating them.

而是永遠都能繼續下去

Ask yourself this:

現在請大家問自己這幾個問題：

What happened to the thousands of people who were denied admission to the university?

為什麼上千人不願意承認讀過的大學？

What about the hundreds of people who did not get the job that you were offered?

上百位沒應徵上你的職位的人呢？

How many people did it take to suffer in order for you to thrive?

多少人為了讓你成長茁壯而犧牲自己？

Do you even care?

你關心過他們嗎？

Success is about self-promotion,

成功是自我推銷

not putting change into motion.

不是改變動機

We’re part of a generation whose ancestors expect us to fix all the problems we inherited,

我們的祖先都期待我們能解決長久以來的問題

but ironically, we are destined to fail in the same ways as them,

但諷刺的是，我們注定會失敗在同樣的事情上

because we’re using the same tactics.

因為我們的策略和祖先一樣

Success just isn’t gonna cut it anymore.

成功不再只是切割

Ask yourself this:

問問自己：

If all of the best universities really produced the most successful leaders then

如果所有頂尖大學都培育出大部份成功的領袖

why do we still live in a world of corruption?

這個世界上又為什麼會發生貪污事件呢？

If all the success stories were really successful then

如果所有成功故事都真的成功

why do we still live in a violently unequal world?

為什麼世界仍然不平等呢？

I think it’s time we broke up with success,

我認為現在就是和成功分手的時候了

or at least how we’ve currently defined it.

或至少我們已經下了定義

Okay, I get it. This is, like, super awkward.

我知道這很難下手

Success feels good and I’m asking you to feel bad about it.

成功的滋味太好了，但我現在要你對它改觀

It’s like what would it have felt like in second grade after you wrote your first love poem

那就像小學二年級，你寫了第一首愛情詩

and your teacher gave it back and said,

但你的老師卻退還給你並跟你說：

“You failed.”

「不及格」

It would be pretty awkward.

你一定很難接受

I understand. I didn’t always think this way.

我懂，我不會常常這樣想

It took me failing, and recognizing how beautiful that was, to really understand.

成功讓我失敗，讓我意識到漂亮是什麼，而我真的了解

In 2011, I had the opportunity to organize with the transgender movement in South Africa.

2011年，我有機會在南非舉辦一場變性運動

I was there to research the disconnect between progressive legislation and the experiences of violence on the ground.

研究新法規和一般人們對於暴力的經驗

Naturally being the Type A model minority I was,

其實當時我是個特例

I obtained the best research grants, got critical and cutting edge interviews

我得到最高的研究獎金和最具批判性卻最重要的面試機會

and genuinely felt like I had come up with a theory to fix the violence.

我真的很想找出解決暴力的方法

I returned to the US to continue to write my thesis,

我回到美國繼續完成理論

but in the process I got an email from one of my colleagues

但在過程中，我收到同事寄來的電子郵件

that one of my research participants had died.

其中一位研究員過世了

Her name was Cym.

她是Cym

I had just read her interview the day before.

我前天才讀完她的專訪

What is the point of a thesis written in a language

大多數人對於少見的語言

inaccessible by the very people it’s about?

會在論文中寫下什麼重點呢？

What is the point of a thesis and a researcher who’s familiar with the names of theories

論文的名字對研究員來說，再熟悉不過了

but not actually the names of her own neighbors?

但其實也不是他很熟悉的名字，這篇論文到底有什麼重點呢？

Who is invited to speak about a movement

誰被邀請參加一場運動

and who must die for it?

而誰又必須犧牲生命呢？

I was so concerned with being a successful researcher

我非常擔心成為一位成功的研究員

that I glossed over the parts of the work that were the most important,

所以我隱藏研究中最重要、

the hard and invisible parts of building trust, empathy and solidarity.

最困難，且最不容易看見建立信任、同情和團結的部分

I shared an office with Cym for 2 months

我曾經和Cym坐在同一間辦公室兩個月

and I cannot tell you what her favorite color was,

我不能告訴你她最喜歡的顏色

where she lived

她住哪裡

and what made her weep for joy.

還有令她開心的事情

The only parts of her that were important were the parts of her that fit into my own analysis.

她對我來說，最重要的事就是成為我的研究團隊的一份子

Success is a violent and manipulative process.

成功是一種暴力和巧妙處理的過程

The thesis committee didn’t care about my ability to create research that was actually relevant to local organizers,

論文委員會不管我有沒有能力寫出合邏輯的研究方向

let alone my ability to end violence in south Africa.

就讓我獨自到南非結束暴力

If anything, my research would have perpetuated violence

如果是其他任何事情，我的研究一定永遠都是暴力的

so that future generations of researchers can come and study it for their own job promotion.

所以未來的研究世代都能為了職場升遷而來讀書

Let’s call that a success story.

我把它稱為一個成功故事

So I deleted Cym’s interview.

所以我刪掉Cym的專訪

I changed my topic and I started thinking.

我改變主題並重新思考

Even though I failed at becoming an academic, I had succeeded in becoming a better human being!

雖然我沒有成為教授，但我卻成功地變成一位更優秀的人類！

Failure, in it’s own way, is a different form of success.

失敗，其實是成功的另一種形式

Which means that every single problem in the world can actually be reconsidered as a successful implementation of an idea.

表示世界上的每一個問題其實都能被重新討論為達到成功

The persistence of racially segregated schools reveals the success of institutionalized racism.

堅持種族隔離政策的學校暴露了它以接受種族主義的成功

The crisis of student debt indicates the success of a foolish logic that we should have to pay for educations

學生欠債的危機成功證實一個愚蠢的邏輯，就是我們應該支付教育的費用，

rather than be entitled to them.

而不是只給予他們權利

The persistence of violence against queer people is indicative of a clout, of a colour, of a currency of intolerance.

對奇怪的人堅持暴力是一塊破布、一種顏色、一種不流通貨幣的象徵

These issues are not problems; they are success stories; they are victories.

這些議題都不是問題，它們都是成功的故事，它們是勝利者

This means the system is not broken; it is working.

這表示系統沒有壞，它仍正常運作

It is working so well that it has taught our entire lives that it is broken,

它運作的真的很好，所以它讓我們一直誤以為它壞掉了

so that we can spend most of our energies trying to improve it rather than actually building alternatives.

所以我們花畢生時間嘗試改善它，而不是建立更多選擇

Success is actually about maintaining the status quo.

成功其實是保持現狀

Few of us have thought about who actually determines the markers of success,

很少人想過誰是成功的主導者

let alone challenge them.

讓他們獨自接受挑戰

Because we have allowed the crisis of success to go unregulated,

因為我們已經接受了成功帶來的紊亂危機

we find ourselves in a peculiarly awkward position,

我們在特別奇怪的地方找到自己

celebrating every new success story while by enlarge the world continues to get

當世界持續放大看更多不平等、不健康和無法忍受的事

more unequal, more unhealthy, and more unbearable for the majority of people.

為大多數人慶祝每一件新的成功故事

Those of us interested in intervening in these problems can no longer revert to success.

我們對那些發生在其中的事情特別感興趣，但這些問題不會恢復為成功

We need a new way to understand and relate to our work,

我們需要一個新方法來了解這些問題，並與我們的工作相關

a way that’s less selfish and superficial.

這個方法要比自私和表面更好

And to most people, this method might be thought of as failing,

對大部分人來說，可能會把這個方法想成失敗

and to some degree, I think that they’re right.

而在某種程度上，我認為他們是對的