watch the Planet of the Apes movies reclaim their place as the best talking animal franchise

since Babe.

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes.

Wait, why does Dawn come after Rise?

Don’t you rise after the dawn?

Whatever.

Settle in for the thinking man’s summer blockbuster chock full of

complicated characters,

political maneuvering,

family dynamics,

and a monkey dual-wielding machine guns on horseback fighting a tank.

OK that was kinda dumb, but who cares?

It’s still awesome, right?

Thrill as apes engage in guerrilla warfare

against a society of way less interesting humans, like

the pragmatic leader who spends most of his screen time talking into a bullhorn,

"We are survivors!"

"We've been through hell together!"

this generic good guy,

this assh*le,

“I’m the assh*le."

this... woman...

and this... kid who... draws things.

Yeah, let's get back to the apes.

See Andy Serkis deliver an Oscar-worthy performance

by capturing the graceful movements and emotions of Caesar

and doing his best Christian Bale Batman impression

"One day!"

"Where's the trigger?!"

"Move him!"

while the cast and crew deliver an even MORE Oscar-worthy performance by not laughing at

a tiny British man in a unitard pretending to be a monkey.

Wow, when you take away the CGI, this looks f*cking ridiculous.

So immerse yourself in a movie full of stunning visuals and great acting, that will have audiences

everywhere ignoring its forgettable plot about fixing a dam

"The city used to run off nuclear power, but that ran out years ago so we've been using

diesel generators and gasifiers. But if we could just get this dam working…"

Blah blah blah blah.

And the super cliche death of the main villain,

because once again: apes with guns on horseback equals AWESOME.

Starring...

MVP: Most Valuable Primate

Little Caesar’s

Abu

Mojo JoJo

Not Hairy Oldman

Discount Charlton Heston

Ape-ril O’neil

and Damn Dirty Apes!

Actually, they’re pretty clean, and civilized.

And Damn Civilized Apes!

Rise of the Dawn of the Start of the Planet of the Apes

Origins

The Beginning

So, uh, how can I put this...

where are all the monkey dicks?