[snoring]

-Morning, Zoltan.

-Indeed, it is, Master Vlad.

And in case you've forgotten, you don't do mornings.

You're a vampire.

-Not before I'm 16, I'm not.

Until then, I'm just a normal kid.

I could do all the other normal kids do.

-Turn me upside down and look for the batteries?

-No.

I'm going to school.

-But Master Vlad, it's not safe.

-Look, the only person who knows I'm a vampire is Robin.

And he's promised he won't tell a single soul.

-Well, don't come running in my direction

when you're named and shamed as the spawn of Dracula.

-Zoltan, relax.

It's going to be chilly.

I mean "cool."

That's what kids say around here, isn't it?

-Yeah, as in "isn't it cool we slayed the vampire?"

[bell tolls]

[thud]

COUNT: Ugh!

Flaming torches!

Aah!

Renfield!

-Isn't it-- uh, OK, Master!

Ugh!

-Good morning, Renfield.

Hello, Robin.

You see?

Perfect fit.

-Yeah, those trousers really show off your ankles.

-So we all set?

-Yeah, just one problem--

-Hello, I'm Robin's mom, Elizabeth.

Ahh, nice.

-That's Mom's quiet way of saying "it needs a clean."

-Vlad, my man, is, uh, Ingrid around?

-(WHISPERS) Robin, are we expecting anyone else?

-(WHISPERS) It's not my fault.

They just followed me up here.

-(WHISPERS) Get them out of here quick before Dad hears them.

COUNT: Renfield!

Who's there?

-Um, might as well move along, shall we, folks?

-Going somewhere, Vlad?

-Yo, Ingrid.

-Aha, so you must be the famous Ingrid.

You've certainly made some fans in our house.

BOYS: Mom!

-Now, come on.

You better get dressed for school.

I've--

-You can't seriously think that I'm going to school.

-You don't have to go, but I want to.

Just don't tell Dad, OK?

-Sure, don't worry.

Dad!

COUNT: Beelzebub's bunk brush!

I am trying to sleep!

What peasant dares knock at my palace of doom?

-Hello.

You must be Mister, uh--

-Count.

-Mr. Count.

-I'm Elizabeth Branagh, your neighbor.

Welcome to our country.

It's wonderful to meet you. [sniffs] Oh,

my goodness, what is that smell?

I think it's coming from--

-Uh, the slime pit.

-Ooh, I think you may have a problem with your drains.

-My Graham's a plumber. I'll send him up to have a look.

Will send him with Vlad and Ingrid after school.

-School?

What school?

-Stokely Grammar.

-My children do not go to school.

-Oh, please, let me go, Dad.

How else am I going to make friends?

-Our kind don't need friends.

-Well, uh, now, come on, you lot, or we'll be late.

Nice to meet you, Mr. Count.

-Bye.

-See you.

-Well, thanks.

Thanks a lot.

-Here we are, son.

Stokely Grammar.

Fresh start for both of us.

-Dad, you are going to behave yourself at this school,

aren't you?

It's going to be really nice just

to stay in one place for more than a few months.

-Jono, I promised, didn't I?

And a Van Helsing never breaks his promise.

Blood and garlic!

It's a vampire.

JONATHAN: Dad, it's a boy in a cape.

-Morning, Mr. Van Helsing.

-Whew, morning, Headmistress.

Just doing my morning squats.

-Congratulations.

15 seconds into a brand-new school, and you've

already spotted the vampire.

-It's instinct, son.

I'm a vampire slayer.

-No, Dad.

You're a woodwork teacher.

COUNT: Vlad, it's a quarter past midnight.

Come on.

Get up.

-What do you mean?

I've been up all day.

-Then tough neck, sonny.

That's your choice, not mine.

Come, come.

Come look at this beautiful when, moonshine.

You can't just laze around in bed all night.

VLAD: You do realize I'm not yet a vampire, don't you?

I sleep at night.

I like garlic bread.

I want to go to school.

Just deal with it.

-Is this about the "friends" thing, hm?

Because I've been thinking about what you said earlier.

-You mean, you've changed your mind?

I can go to school?

-No, even better.

I'll be your friend.

-Thanks, Dad.

But I'd like some friends of my own age.

-I could teach all my wicked ways.

-I don't want to be an evil vampire.

I want to be an ordinary boy.

[thunder rumbling]

-You disappoint me.

-I'm sorry.

[snores]

[bell tolls]

[thump]

[groans]

-If that's that Branagh woman again!

[boom]

RENFIELD: Master!

Master!

It's a breather!

With a metal horse!

-So you must be Vladimir and Ingrid.

-And you must be wearing that for charity.

-Oh, a freethinker.

Splendid stuff.

I'm Ms. Harker, your new headmistress.

-Ahh.

-Good morning.

It's Mister--

-[grunts] Count.

-Mr. Count, that's right.

Now, I've had reports that children

haven't been placed in a school.

-Reports?

From whom?

-I'm afraid I can't say.

-Well, whoever it is, I shall crush them.

-(WHISPERS) Dad.

-Now, look.

I don't know where you hail from, Mr. Count.

But in our country, children are required to go to school.

And if you refuse to cooperate, well, they'll be taken away.

-Really?

And how much would this service cost?

-Cost?

It wouldn't cost anything.

-Splendid.

-Well, you can have her for a start.

I still have some hopes for the boy.

-Yeah, me, too.

I hope he'll get lost.

-Now, look, Mr. Count, it's quite simple.

Either you send the children to school,

or you will be taken to court.

-Ooh.

"Taken to court."

I'm aquiver with fear.

[snickers]

And what, pray tell, is this so-called "court"?

-Oh, just the local equivalent of an angry peasant mob.

-What?

[mob yelling]

[gasp]

Right.

Vlad, Ingrid, get ready for school.

-(WHISPERS) Well, yes!

This is so embarrassing.

My first day at school, and I look like a freak.

So much for keeping a low profile.

-No, wait.

I have a little good luck present.

Now, these are a pair of ancient brooches

with the legendary Dracula coat of arms.

-Aw, wicked!

-So, Vladdy, my boy, this one's for you.

And Ingrid, it's such a shame you weren't a boy.

-You're a heartless, spiteful, self-centered bully.

And so am I, but you just can't see it!

-(WHISPERS) Shut the door!

That girl will be the death of me.

-I'll see you later, Dad.

-Ah, don't forget your cape!

-Dad, only a weirdo would wear a cape to school.

-Hi, Vlad.

-My boy is growing up, Renfield.

-Yoo-hoo, Mr. Count!

-Oh, please.

[growls]

-I knew you'd change your mind about school.

Can't wait to get rid of them, eh?

I know the feeling.

Must dash.

See you soon.

-It's her, isn't it?

She must be the one who denounced me to the school.

-She must be punished, Master.

-Renfield, home.

We have work to do.

-Wow.

So this is school.

-Yeah.

It's a bit like a prison, only sometimes people

escape from prison.

-Hey, cool.

Look at this.

Huh, my own private locker.

-Yeah, it's really not that exciting.

Just somewhere you can stash your games kit.

And in your case, of course, the blood of innocent victims.

-(WHISPERS) Robin.

-I'm only having a laugh.

-Please just keep your mouth shut, all right?

Remember, you're the only one who knows we're vampires.

I kind of like it to stay that way.

-Sure.

-Oh, hello.

I guess, Batman and Batman.

Hey, nice badge.

-Oh, um, it's nothing special.

It's--

-Absolutely nothing to do with vampires.

-Robin.

-Ignore him.

He thinks he's a vampire.

Robin actually believes that bloodsucking humans exist.

Sad, isn't it?

-[sighs]

So what part of "keeping your mouth shut"

don't you understand?

[bangs locker]

-Vlad, your locker.

-So remember, no more getting distracted, all right?

-What do you mean "distracted"?

All right, I won't get distracted.

-Dad!

I was just going to tail him, Jono.

See where his locker is.

-For goodness sake, he's in my class!

His name is Robin Branagh.

And he's not a vampire.

-Ah, but how do you know?

-Because there's no such things as vamp--

KIDS: Ingrid, we love you!

Ingrid--

[kids chatter]

-Jonathan.

Jonathan!

Now, who's getting distracted, eh?

All right.

Settle down, please, class.

Settle!

My name is Mr. Van Helsing.

And I'm here to help you turn "wood" into "could."

Now, apologies if it feels a bit cold in here this morning.

Apparently, there's a problem with the heaters.

Either that or there's an undead presence in the room.

[students snicker]

All right, those who haven't, get their books out, please.