Name: 我是西蒙。我建立了自己的頻道。 這是第一個視頻 (Simon here. I made my own channel. Here's the first video)
Uploaded: 2025-07-19T22:21:56.000Z
Duration: 55 min 27 s

Hi everyone. Welcome to the first episode for my new channel, Simon's Book Club.

大家好。歡迎收看我的新頻道 "西蒙讀書俱樂部 "的第一集。

情態副詞

I'm putting the full episode here on Ichikimchi as an example of the videos I'll be creating over on my own channel, also named Simon's Book Club. Yes, I have finally made my own channel.

我在 Ichikimchi 上放了全集，作為我在自己的頻道（也叫 "西蒙讀書俱樂部"）上製作視頻的範例。是的，我終於有了自己的頻道。

分詞構句

It's long overdue. I know. Every month I'll be picking a new book on the latest and the most interesting psychology and science of well-being, really digging into it, and then creating a podcast and video talking about what I've learned, how I've applied it to my life, and how I think it relates to the other books I've been reading. I'll also be hosting a monthly book club meetup, both online and in person. I'm going to tell you about it at the end of this monster of a video.

早就該這樣了。我知道。每個月我都會挑選一本關於最新、最有趣的心理學和幸福科學的新書，對其進行深入研究，然後製作播客和視頻，談談我學到了什麼，我是如何將其應用到生活中的，以及我認為它與我讀過的其他書有什麼聯繫。我還將主持每月一次的讀書俱樂部聚會，既有在線的，也有面對面的。我將在視頻的最後向大家介紹。

If you're still interested at the end of the video, then I'd love to see you and hear your thoughts on these books as well. So this month I'm talking about my experience with the book

如果您在視頻結束時仍有興趣，那麼我也很樂意見到您，聽聽您對這些書的看法。本月我將談談我的讀書經歷

Transcend, the new science of self-actualization, which is written by Scott Barry Coffin, who is a cognitive scientist and humanistic psychologist. He's founder and director of the Center for the

斯科特-巴里-科芬（Scott Barry Coffin）是認知科學家和人本主義心理學家。他是認知科學家和人本主義心理學家。

Science of Human Potential and an honorary principal fellow at the University of Melbourne

人類潛能科學教授，墨爾本大學名譽首席研究員

Center for Well-Being Science. He's taught at Columbia University, Yale, NYU, University of

福祉科學中心。他曾任教於哥倫比亞大學、耶魯大學、紐約大學、美國加州大學伯克利分校。

Pennsylvania, and he hosts a psychology podcast, which is the most popular psychology podcast on the planet. One that I'm now totally hooked on. Give it a listen. It's good stuff. In this episode,

他在賓夕法尼亞州主持一個心理學播客，這是這個星球上最受歡迎的心理學播客。我現在已經完全迷上了。聽聽吧這是個好東西。本集內容

I'll be discussing Maslow's hierarchy of needs and how our perception of reality is distorted and constrained by those needs. I'll be deep diving into the depths of my own narcissism.

我將討論馬斯洛的需求層次理論，以及我們對現實的認知是如何被這些需求所扭曲和限制的。我將深入探討自己的自戀。

That'll be a good one. Talking about self-compassion, the characteristics of self-actualization, PTSD, and post-traumatic growth, and how some romantic relationships fail, evolutionary game theory, some challenges with psychometric scales, giving love versus deficient love, the role of the nervous system in finding meaning and purpose, and finally, how I've incorporated this book into my next calling in life. It's not entirely navel-gazing and it's not entirely dry science either. I'm going to try to blend the personal and the impersonal here and I hope that it's something that you find interesting. Also, I dig humanistic psychology. I feel like psychology is often associated with helping people that are in some ways damaged and really zeroes in on that. Talking about mental health is more like talking about mental illness. But I think humanistic psychology wants to go beyond fixing what's broken, beyond just looking at you for your shortcomings and isms, and goes more into helping you grow into your fullest potential. There's more of a sense of optimism here and that resonates a lot more for me. I chose this book because even though self-help books are an 11 billion dollar industry just in the US alone and there are so many to choose from, this guy seems to be as credentialed as it comes. He's taught at universities that I really respect, some that I actually want to go to, and has conversations with other well-credentialed psychologists that I respect as well. So I think what he says holds weight and this book has a lot to offer. It's framed through Kaufman's fanboying-slash-scholarship of Abraham Maslow's work.

這將是一個很好的話題。談自我同情、自我實現的特點、創傷後應激障礙和創傷後成長，以及一些浪漫關係是如何失敗的、進化博弈論、心理測量量表的一些挑戰、給予的愛與缺乏的愛、神經系統在尋找意義和目的中的作用，最後，我是如何將這本書融入我的下一個人生使命的。這不完全是天馬行空，也不完全是枯燥的科學。在這裡，我將嘗試把個人和非個人的東西融合在一起，希望你們會覺得有趣。另外，我很喜歡人本主義心理學。我覺得心理學通常與幫助那些在某些方面受到傷害的人聯繫在一起，並真正將其歸零。談論心理健康更像是在談論心理疾病。但我認為，人本

Maslow, who you might remember from learning about the hierarchy of needs, which looks like a pyramid with physiological needs at the bottom, including food and sleep and health. Safety needs are next, like shelter and money and a job. And then we have love and belonging needs, like friends and family.

你可能還記得馬斯洛，他曾講過需求層次理論。需求層次理論就像一座金字塔，最底層是生理需求，包括食物、睡眠和健康。接下來是安全需求，如住所、金錢和工作。然後是愛和歸屬的需求，比如朋友和家人。

And then self-esteem needs, like confidence and accomplishment. And then at the top of the pyramid is self-actualization, which is where creativity, morality, and psychological well-being come into fruition. The goal is always self-actualization, to live the fullest life you possibly can.

然後是自尊需求，如自信和成就感。然後是金字塔頂端的自我實現，也就是創造力、道德和心理健康的實現。我們的目標始終是自我實現，活出最充實的人生。

Though for many of us, self-actualization is out of reach and we're often stuck at the bottom half of the pyramid, in a kind of scarcity mindset, either with financial insecurity that dictates how we're spending our lives, anxious or avoidant attachment styles that jeopardize our connections, or with self-esteem issues that get in the way of living a fulfilling life. When our thoughts are dominated by our deficiencies, it's almost impossible to see the world and our lives for their potential. Interestingly enough, one of the first big wows that I got from this book is that Maslow never framed his hierarchy of needs as a pyramid, but a marketing company in the 60s reframed it as one, and that image has stuck with us ever since. And that does the list of needs a bit of a disservice, unfortunately, as it's not as helpful as it can be, nor is it true to Maslow's vision. And so Kaufman suggests that instead of using the image of a pyramid for summits, where we're climbing and ascending, where we can start thinking of ourselves as higher or better than others, let's think of these needs instead as making up the parts of a sailboat, which is meant for surfing, for experiencing the world. After our base is secure, the next three growth needs of exploration, love, and purpose make up the sail of the boat that we can open up. And then with all six, we can explore the world, we could be generous and loving, we could contribute to society, we could self-actualize, and then ultimately we can transcend the self. And that sounds like a nicer image to me, I think. Each chapter of the book is dedicated to one of the major needs, with the first three chapters being on the deficiency needs, where we tend to have the most suffering, and the next three being on the growth needs, and how they lead to better health and greater life satisfaction. Kaufman starts off each chapter with a story about how

儘管對我們中的許多人來說，自我實現遙不可及，我們常常被困在金字塔的下半部分，處於一種匱乏的心態中，要麼是經濟上的不安全感決定了我們如何度過一生，要麼是焦慮或迴避的依戀方式危害了我們的人際關係，要麼是自尊問題阻礙了我們過上充實的生活。當我們的思想被自己的缺陷所支配時，我們幾乎不可能看到世界和生活的潛力。有趣的是，這本書最先讓我驚歎的一點是，馬斯洛從來沒有把他的需求層次結構描繪成一個金字塔，但60年代的一家營銷公司卻把它重新塑造成了一個金字塔，而這個形象也一直伴隨著我們。不幸的是，這對需求清單有點不利，因為它

Maslow came to think about the need, and then Kaufman describes the need with extensive research and resources. Each chapter is super dense, with many quotes from other psychologists in their publications, and the list of references at the back of the book is massive. If you're like me, and you like to check up on references as they're noted, this book is going to take a long time to read. I don't think this is a read once and done kind of book either. I think it's a great book to use as a reference manual, where if any of the topics discussed interest you, you can follow

馬斯洛來思考這種需求，然後考夫曼用大量的研究和資源來描述這種需求。每一章的內容都超級密集，引用了許多其他心理學家的出版品，書後的參考文獻列表也非常龐大。如果你和我一樣，喜歡邊看參考文獻邊查閱，那麼這本書會讓你花很長時間讀完。我也不認為這是一本讀完就完事的書。我認為這是一本非常適合作為參考手冊的書，如果你對書中討論的任何主題感興趣，你都可以按照以下步驟進行閱讀

Kaufman down the rabbit hole of his reference articles, books, and podcasts. For real, this is very thorough, and it's one of the reasons why I love it. It's not just a stream of thoughts and theories where I'm rushed along, and wowed by aphorisms and pretty writing, and where I hoped that I could follow the thesis. No, I like to double check the ideas as they come my way. Kaufman's writing is totally my jam. So let's start digging into the first half of the book, which goes into great detail to show where we are deficient in our needs, and how is that affecting our well-being.

考夫曼在他的參考文章、書籍和播客中如魚得水。說真的，這本書非常透徹，這也是我喜歡它的原因之一。這本書不只是思想和理論的流水賬，我不只是被箴言和漂亮的文字所吸引，也不只是希望自己能跟上論文的思路。不，我喜歡在想法出現時再三確認。考夫曼的文筆完全是我的菜。是以，讓我們開始挖掘這本書的前半部分，它非常詳細地說明了我們在哪些方面的需求不足，以及這些需求是如何影響我們的幸福的。

How does low self-esteem get in the way of life satisfaction? How is fame seeking an unsatisfying way to escape loneliness? How does social isolation lead to a slew of health problems? Or, in other words, how have your deficiencies led to more deficiencies? Basically, the overwhelming feeling

自卑是如何影響生活滿意度的？追名逐利是如何讓人無法滿足地逃避孤獨？社會隔離是如何導致一系列健康問題的？或者換句話說，你的不足是如何導致更多不足的？基本上，壓倒性的感覺

I got from the first three chapters is how I'm f***ed, and how my being f***ed is leading to deeper levels of f***ery. The chapters aren't entirely doom and gloom, though, as they suggest a few strategies to healthfully integrate and how to satisfy our needs for safety, connection, and self-esteem. Which sounds great, but there's solutions to be worked on, which will take time.

前三章給我的印象是我是如何被****的，以及我的被****是如何導致更深層次的****的。不過，這幾章也不完全是悲觀的，因為它們提出了一些健康融合的策略，以及如何滿足我們對安全、聯繫和自尊的需求。這聽起來很不錯，但要解決這些問題還需要時間。

And during that time, while the deficiencies persist, so too will the discomfort. To hell with that. I want to feel better now. Please and thank you. In that spirit, there's a very fundamental point of wisdom in this book that's helped me out a lot, and it's this.

在這段時間裡，雖然缺陷依然存在，但不適感也會隨之而來。讓這一切見鬼去吧。我現在就想好起來。拜託了，謝謝。本著這種精神，這本書中有一個非常基本的智慧點，對我幫助很大，那就是：

Our deficiencies act as lenses through which we perceive the world. We don't see the world as it is. We don't see fundamental truth as it is. None of us have access to it. Instead, we see the world, our surroundings, and the people through the interface of satisfying our needs.

我們的缺陷就像我們感知世界的透鏡。我們看不到世界的本來面目。我們看不到基本真理的本來面目。我們都無法獲得它。相反，我們通過滿足自身需求的界面來看待世界、周圍的環境和人們。

For our chronically and extremely hungry man, utopia can be defined simply as a place where there is plenty of food. He tends to think that if only he is guaranteed food for the rest of his life, he will be perfectly happy and will never want anything more. Life itself tends to be defined in terms of eating. Anything else will be defined as unimportant. Freedom, love, community feeling, respect, philosophy may all be waved aside as fripperies that are useless since they fail to fill the stomach. Such a man may fairly be said to live by bread alone.

對於我們這個長期極度飢餓的人來說，烏托邦可以簡單地定義為一個食物充足的地方。他傾向於認為，只要能保證餘生有飯吃，他就會非常幸福，再也不會有其他要求。生活本身往往被定義為吃飯。其他任何東西都會被定義為不重要。自由、愛、集體感、尊重、哲學都可能被當作無用的裝飾品，因為它們無法填飽肚子。這樣的人可以說是隻靠麵包活著。

Now, I thought this was an absolutely brilliant insight, one that tied together a lot of my past experiences. Let me give some examples of this here. I remember reading the book Homo Sapiens a while ago and being surprised at for just how long the whole world was on the brink of starvation.

現在，我認為這絕對是一個精闢的見解，它將我過去的許多經歷聯繫在了一起。讓我在這裡舉幾個例子。我記得不久前讀過《智人》這本書，當時我對整個世界瀕臨飢餓的時間之長感到驚訝。

Put this quote by Maslow into context, and it makes sense how utopia was often described as a land of milk and honey, which to me doesn't sound like utopia at all. The land of milk and honey translates to me as a land of indigestion and rashes. No, thank you. Think to yourself what heaven looks like for you, and there's a good chance that you're describing a place that fulfills what you're wanting most, what you're perceiving as a lack in your life.

把馬斯洛的這句話放在上下文中，就會明白烏托邦常常被描述為牛奶與蜂蜜之地，而在我看來，這聽起來一點也不像烏托邦。在我看來，"牛奶與蜂蜜的國度 "就是 "消化不良和皮疹的國度"。不，謝謝。想想天堂對你來說是什麼樣子，很有可能你描述的地方滿足了你最想要的東西，也就是你認為生活中缺乏的東西。

Or, let's think about purpose for a bit. It struck me the other day when I read that Elon Musk tweeted that his goal in space travel is to preserve the light of consciousness, which is something I find very important as well, but to others, some responded to him with, pay your taxes.

或者，讓我們來思考一下目的。前幾天，我讀到埃隆-馬斯克在推特上說，他的太空旅行目標是保護意識之光，這讓我印象深刻，我也覺得這一點非常重要，但對其他人來說，有人迴應他說：交稅吧。

To Musk, where the insecurities of money aren't an issue that concern him personally, his great goal is to ensure that consciousness persists in the universe. For real, staying on earth isn't a long-term goal, as we have an appetite for destruction and the tools for it as well, and if we don't destroy ourselves, then give it enough time and the dangers of space will do the job for us. For others though, this idea isn't important, as their lens for life is heavily tinted by financial deprivation and inequality, and Musk's greater goals are waved aside not only as unimportant fripperies, but as distractions from what to them is more important. Another example, on a personal level, someone dear to me suffers from PTSD, and she's very often getting triggered and activated, and in a state of constantly feeling unsafe. I remember having a discussion with her about finding purpose in my life and how I want the work I do in the future to provide me with a sense of meaning, and she found that to be bullshit and idealistic. For her, setting up a safe space for herself and for others was her main concern. I even experienced it with my own family. I told them about my goals to live life where my actions are in accordance with my values, to read a lot about psychology, to create content that I think would help people suffer less and thrive more, and to foster a community where we can discuss these ideas openly, vulnerably, and with curiosity. My mom, who grew up very poor in Poland right after World War II, just wanted to know, yeah, but what are you going to do about money? No, I don't know yet, mom. I'm trying to figure it out. So the point being, I found this idea of deprivation salience changes the way we perceive what's important in life to be pretty accurate to my experiences of the world, and also with my own sense of discomfort. The more that I'm in a scarcity mindset, the more my perception of the world will change, and not in a good way. Is it possible for me to be aware of this, and then to drop the sense of urgency and need? I find meditation helpful in this regard. I try to cultivate the feeling of an absence of a sense of lack, to ask myself the question, what is here now when there's no problem to solve, and in a way, to come to my senses? And with that, personally, I found myself less identified with the narrative of deprivation, and I found it easier to be more present in the moment, but not all the time. It's so easy to slip back into deficiency mind. I think this idea of deprivation sensibilities is a useful way to understand how people project their insecurities as well, because I'm not the only one operating through this model. Others are too. Hell, probably you are as well. And it ties into last month's book club, where we discussed nonviolent communication. In people's judgments of the world, of you, and of others, a compassionate response would be to hear the needs behind their words, rather than to argue against their judgments, criticisms, condemnations, moralizing, and shoulds that they're couched in. Not only do unmet needs muddy the way we speak to others, these needs change the way we interact with the world as a whole. This isn't just my idea. Kaufman suggests as much when he says that deficiency needs, which Maslow referred to as D needs, are motivated by a lack of satisfaction, whether it's the lack of food, safety, affection, belonging, or self-esteem. The D realm of existence colors all of our perceptions and distorts reality, making demands on a person's whole being. Feed me, love me, respect me. The greater the deficiency of these needs, the more we distort reality to fit our expectations and treat others in accordance with their usefulness in helping us satisfy our most deficient needs.

對於馬斯克來說，金錢的不安全感並不是他個人關心的問題，他的偉大目標是確保意識在宇宙中持續存在。對於真正的人來說，留在地球上並不是一個長遠的目標，因為我們有毀滅的慾望，也有毀滅的工具，如果我們不毀滅自己，那麼給它足夠的時間，太空的危險就會替我們完成任務。不過，對於其他人來說，這種想法並不重要，因為他們的生活視角被經濟匱乏和不平等所嚴重遮蔽，馬斯克的更遠大目標不僅被當作不重要的花邊新聞，而且被當作對他們來說更重要的事情的干擾因素而被擱置一旁。再比如，在個人層面上，我身邊的一位朋友患有創傷後應激障礙，她經常被觸

That point is so important, I'll read it again. The greater the deficiency in those needs, the more we distort reality. Once I started applying this to myself, and then finding ways to settle myself and relax, I found myself catching my anxious thoughts a lot more easily, and being able to feel more at ease with what's around me. Sure, it doesn't solve the deficiencies themselves immediately, but at least I don't have to be gripped by ruminating about their absence, which I think is a step in the right direction. I think now would be a good time to go over the self-esteem section of security, as it was one that I wrestled with the most, seeing how it focused so much on narcissism, which, well, is kind of complicated for me to talk about online, given my public history surrounding it. So let's talk about narcissism for a bit.

這一點非常重要，我再讀一遍。這些需求越缺乏，我們就越會扭曲現實。一旦我開始把這一點應用到自己身上，然後想辦法讓自己安定下來、放鬆下來，我就發現自己更容易抓住焦慮的想法了，也能更從容地面對周圍的一切。當然，這並不能立即解決缺陷本身，但至少我不必為它們的缺失而耿耿於懷，我認為這是朝著正確方向邁出的一步。我認為現在是一個很好的時機來複習安全感中的自尊部分，因為這是我最頭疼的部分，因為它非常關注自戀，鑑於我的公開歷史，在網上談論自戀對我來說有點複雜。所以，讓我們來談談自戀吧。

All right. Hello, everybody. My name is Simon, and I'm a narcissist.

好了 大家好 All right.大家好我叫西蒙，是個自戀狂

Now, I could feel within me a deep discomfort with admitting that I'm a narcissist, because it's a term that's been popularized, and in turn, overused and misunderstood. And I worry about giving myself a one-way ticket to the shadow realm of the canceled, but I'm going to lean into that discomfort, and instead of arguing why I'm not a narcissist, I'll just embrace that it's a part of me. But a part of the discomfort comes with most people just knowing about grandiose narcissism, of an overestimation of the self, and a belief in one's superiority over others, which is something that, to my core, I just don't identify with. And reading Coffman's explanation of grandiose narcissism didn't raise any alarm bells for me at all.

現在，對於承認自己是一個自戀者，我內心會感到深深的不適，因為這個詞已經深入人心，反過來又被過度使用和誤解。我擔心會給自己一張單程票，讓自己進入被取消的陰影領域，但我還是要向這種不適感靠攏，與其爭辯為什麼我不是一個自戀者，不如接受它是我的一部分。但這種不適感的一部分來自於大多數人對自戀的瞭解，對自我的高估，以及對自己優於他人的信念。讀了科夫曼對自戀狂的解釋後，我一點也沒有警覺起來。

There's another kind of narcissism called vulnerable narcissism, and oh boy, did that section get me in my feelings. So I'm going to get to talking about how Coffman describes it more in a bit, but first, there's a bit of confusion around the difference between self-esteem and narcissism. They're not the same. It's possible to like yourself and not be narcissistic.

還有一種自戀叫脆弱型自戀，哦，天哪，這部分讓我感同身受。我稍後會講到科夫曼是如何描述它的，但首先，自尊和自戀之間的區別有點混亂。它們是不一樣的。既喜歡自己又不自戀是有可能的。

Healthy self-esteem comes from two big factors, which is a sense of self-worth and mastery.

健康的自尊來自兩大因素，即自我價值感和主人翁意識。

Narcissism, on the other hand, arises out of a sense of being superior to others.

而自戀則源於一種高人一等的感覺。

As for why it's so easy to label someone with healthy self-esteem as a narcissist, let's go back to the deficiency lens I mentioned earlier. If you've got a low sense of self-worth yourself, then it would be easy for you to project that onto others and to misperceive their self-worth as being narcissistic. I'm sure that you've heard someone say, oh, he's so full of himself. She thinks she's better than everyone. And maybe you've even been one to say this yourself.

至於為什麼很容易把自尊心強的人貼上自戀者的標籤，讓我們回到我之前提到的缺陷透鏡。如果你自己的自我價值感很低，那麼你就很容易把這種感覺投射到別人身上，並把他們的自我價值感誤認為是自戀。我相信你一定聽過有人說，哦，他太自戀了。她覺得自己比誰都強。也許你自己也會這麼說。

So before you're quick to label someone as a narcissist, I think it's worthwhile to see if you've got a healthy sense of self-esteem first. You could do this test online and calculate your score if you look up Rosenberg's self-esteem scale, or you could follow along here. Check all that apply. For self-worth, can you sincerely say, I like myself? I'm a worthwhile human being.

是以，在你急於給某人貼上自戀者的標籤之前，我認為值得先看看你是否有健康的自尊感。你可以在網上做這個測試，如果你查找羅森伯格的自尊量表，就能計算出你的分數，或者你也可以在這裡跟著做。勾選所有適用的選項。關於自我價值，你能真誠地說 "我喜歡我自己嗎？我是一個有價值的人。

I am very comfortable with myself. I am secure in my sense of self-worth. I have enough respect for myself. When it comes to having a healthy sense of mastery, can you say, I'm highly effective at the things I do? I'm almost always able to accomplish what I try for. I perform very well at many things. I often fulfill my goals. I deal well with challenges in my life.

我對自己很滿意。我對自我價值有安全感。我對自己有足夠的尊重。說到擁有健康的主人翁意識，你能說我做事情非常有效率嗎？我幾乎總能完成我所努力的事情。我在很多事情上都表現出色。我經常能實現自己的目標。我能夠很好地應對生活中的挑戰。

Now you could probably look at these sets of statements and still not be able to tell between healthy self-esteem and narcissism, as someone displaying grandiose narcissism can probably agree with many of those statements and still have high self-esteem of themselves. So let's start looking at some of the differentiating factors as well, all of which aren't something that you can use to diagnose another person in narcissism as the main crux of number two and number three come from early childhood development. Here's point number one. Those with a high self-esteem believe they are worthy and competent and strive for intimate, meaningful connections with others, but they don't necessarily view themselves as superior to others. Good point here. Narcissism comes out of a sense of relative measuring up. So let's stay away from comparisons. They're not good for anyone. Point number two, whereas self-esteem tends to be at its lowest in adolescence and slowly increases throughout life. Narcissism tends to peak in adolescence and gradually declines throughout the lifespan. So for number two, I think I'm doing all right. I'm getting older and with it, my sense of ego is diminishing and with it, my sense of narcissism too. I think

現在，你可能會看到這幾組陳述，但仍然無法區分健康的自尊和自戀，因為表現出自大自戀的人可能會同意其中的許多陳述，但仍然對自己有很高的自尊。是以，讓我們也開始看看一些區別因素，所有這些因素都不是你可以用來診斷另一個人是否自戀的，因為第二點和第三點的主要關鍵來自於兒童早期的發展。這是第一點。自尊心強的人認為自己有價值、有能力，並努力與他人建立親密、有意義的聯繫，但他們並不一定認為自己比他人優越。說得好。自戀源於一種相對的優越感。是以，讓我們遠離比較。比較對任何人都沒有好處。第二點，自尊心往往在青春期達到最低點，

I'm able to do this as well as I've read a lot about Buddhism lately, and I feel pretty knowledgeable about it. And I've always been very smart at school and I've been able to be great at things

我也能做到這一點，因為我最近讀了很多關於佛教的書，感覺自己對佛教很有研究。而且我在學校裡一直很聰明，做事情也很出色

I set out to do. I think I'm pretty special in this respect. So maybe narcissism doesn't apply to me. Okay. With that in mind, let's look at point number three. Narcissism tends to develop in tandem with parental over-evaluation. Parents who raise children who exhibit high levels of narcissism tend to over-acclaim their child's knowledge, overestimate their child's IQ, over-praise their child's performance, and even tend to give their child a unique name to stand out from the crowd. So if you couldn't tell, my commentary for number two was a joke to set up number three. But joking aside, number three was where my alarm bells really started blaring while grandiose narcissism didn't really have that effect. I remember closing the book at that point and needing to go for a very long walk because almost all of number three applied to me.

我的目標我覺得我在這方面很特別。所以也許自戀並不適用於我好吧考慮到這一點，我們來看看第三點。自戀往往與父母的過度評價同步發展。養育自戀程度高的孩子的父母，往往會過度誇耀孩子的知識，高估孩子的智商，過度讚美孩子的表現，甚至會給孩子起一個獨特的名字，以便在人群中脫穎而出。所以，如果你看不出來，我對第二點的評論是個玩笑，為第三點做鋪墊。不過，玩笑歸玩笑，第三條才是我真正敲響警鐘的地方，而自戀的冠冕堂皇並沒有真正起到這種效果。我記得當時我合上這本書，需要去散很長時間的步，因為幾乎所有的第三條都適用於我。

My parents told me that I'm the greatest son in the world, that I'm the smartest, the handsomest, the best at everything I do. I was told that I was a genius. Yes, I know. I know. It was super unhealthy for me and I know that it has long-term effects on me. I'm kind of tempted to quote this be the verse here. They fuck you up, your mom and dad. They may not mean to, but they do. They give you all the faults they had and give some extra just for you. Just for me. So I could see how the third point really planted the seeds for me blossoming into the narcissist that I became.

我的父母告訴我，我是世界上最棒的兒子，我最聰明、最英俊，做什麼都是最棒的。他們說我是個天才。是的，我知道。是的，我知道。這對我來說超級不健康，我知道這對我有長期的影響。我有點想在這裡引用這句詩。你的父母會把你搞得一團糟。他們可能不是故意的，但他們確實這麼做了。他們把自己所有的缺點都給了你，還為你多付出了一些。只為我所以，我明白了第三點是如何為我成為自戀狂埋下種子的。

Though I still feel kind of resistance to the idea since I didn't view myself as superior to others. My sense of self-esteem really kind of sucked. I thought lowly of myself for a long time and had a very unhealthy sense of self-worth. If you would have asked me three years ago to answer the first five questions about self-esteem, I would have said fuck no to all of them.

雖然我仍然對這種想法有種牴觸情緒，因為我並不認為自己比別人優越。我的自尊心真的很糟糕。在很長一段時間裡，我對自己的評價很低，自我價值感很不健康。如果你在三年前讓我回答關於自尊的前五個問題，我會對所有問題都說 "他媽的不"。

So here's a good point to talk about vulnerable narcissism. The research on vulnerable narcissism suggests that high levels of uncertainty about one's worth as a human being often brings along with it hairpin triggers of shame and reactive hostility. Yep. I've definitely felt this all my life and I know that this has been very damaging to my relationships. Avoidance of situations that may activate such triggers. Check. As in most recently, I totally checked off the internet for a while. Stopped showing my face online and just showed fudgy. I lied to the new people I met about my YouTube past. I actually told people that my job was in travel and tourism. And once I did open up to people about my YouTube past, I asked them not to look up my videos. Next point.

是以，現在是談論脆弱自戀的好時機。關於脆弱自戀的研究表明，對自己作為一個人的價值的高度不確定性往往會帶來羞恥感和反應性敵意的髮夾式觸發。沒錯。我一生都有這種感覺，我知道這對我的人際關係造成了很大的傷害。避免可能激活這種觸發器的情況。檢查。就像最近，我有一段時間完全不上網了。不再在網上拋頭露面，只在網上裝傻充愣。我對新認識的人謊稱我在 YouTube 上的過去。實際上，我告訴別人我的工作是旅遊和觀光。一旦我向別人公開了我在 YouTube 上的過去，我就要求他們不要去查我的視頻。下一點。

Grandiose fantasies of receiving validation and respect from others.

Oh God, how I dreamed of and imagined that I'd be able to say something that would change the mind of those that now hate me. Even now. But I've learned to let that shit go.

哦，上帝啊，我是多麼夢想和想象，我能夠說一些話來改變那些現在恨我的人的想法。即使是現在但我已經學會了讓這些事過去。

Kinda. Kinda learned how to let that shit go. Next.

有點有點學會了如何讓那狗屎去。下一個

A constant need for validation and attention from others, including feeling entitled to the attention of others, and constant resentment for not being appreciated.

不斷需要他人的肯定和關注，包括覺得自己有權得到他人的關注，以及因不被欣賞而不斷產生怨恨。

Check. Hell, is there anything stronger than a check? Super check. I made a whole career off of this. I remember at the tail end of the height of my YouTube career, I found the greatest rush, the greatest satisfaction in this, not in the shooting or the editing of the videos, not in the creative part, but right at that moment of publishing. When the comments would come flooding in. High praise from people who were waiting for the video to be released.

支票見鬼，還有比支票更有力的東西嗎？超級支票我以此為職業我記得在我的 YouTube 事業高峰期的尾聲，我找到了最大的快感和滿足感，不是在拍攝或剪輯視頻的過程中，也不是在創意部分，而是在發佈的那一刻。評論如潮水般湧來。等待視頻發佈的人們給予了高度評價。

Notification squad. It was a drug. It was so addictive. I'm actually kind of torn about what to do with comments now in the future. I feel like leaving comments off of these videos for a while now, though it's not because I'm expecting overwhelming praise. I'm not that deluded.

通知小組。這是一種毒品。讓人上癮。實際上，我現在有點糾結今後該如何處理評論。我想暫時不對這些視頻發表評論，但這並不是因為我期待鋪天蓋地的讚美。我沒那麼自欺欺人。

I'm just not sure how I feel about reactive comments from people and if they're good for me to read or not. I think the longer that one takes in responding to someone, the healthier the response, whether it's online or offline, while the comment section of videos offers more speed and haste than opportunity for reflection. So the jury's still out on this one for me.

我只是不確定自己對別人的反應性評論有什麼感覺，也不知道讀這些評論是否有益。我認為，無論在線還是離線，迴應別人的時間越長，迴應就越健康，而視頻評論區提供的更多是速度和匆忙，而不是反思的機會。是以，我對這一點還沒有定論。

Next point, a hiding of one's felt needs and perceived weaknesses.

下一點，隱藏自己感受到的需求和察覺到的弱點。

While I found this point understandable, I also found this one a bit debatable. Talking again about nonviolent communication, a central idea of that book was that we weren't taught how to express our needs to begin with. Many of us were taught to suppress our needs and feelings and not to burden or bother others with them. And so we're not really fluent in the language of expressing our needs and feelings, though we are very fluent in the language of judgments and thoughts and criticisms. In a way, I think a very big percentage of people will check this one off. And so I kind of find this point moot. You got something to say, buddy? Next point, an excessive need to help others in order to feel good about oneself. This one definitely made me question myself as I've adopted a caregiver role in my relationships very easily and eagerly. I don't know what qualifies as an excessive need to help, though. What's the line between pathological and healthy altruism?

雖然我覺得這一點可以理解，但我也覺得這一點有點值得商榷。再談談非暴力溝通，這本書的一個核心思想是，我們一開始就沒有被教導如何表達自己的需求。我們中的許多人被教導要壓抑自己的需求和感受，不要給他人帶來負擔或麻煩。是以，我們並不能真正流利地使用語言來表達我們的需求和感受，儘管我們可以非常流利地使用語言來進行判斷、思考和責備。在某種程度上，我認為很大一部分人都會在這一項上打勾。是以，我覺得這一點毫無意義。你有什麼要說的嗎，老兄？下一點，為了自我感覺良好，過度需要幫助他人。這一點無疑讓我對自己產生了懷疑，因為我在

I got to do some reading on this. I know this relates, but I haven't really been able to unpack this one yet. Next point, and distrust and cynicism about people's true intentions. I could definitely say this is something I felt before. And I remember feeling like most people were just trying to take advantage of me rather than trying to connect with me, which was such an unhealthy way to think.

我得好好讀讀書。我知道這一點與此有關，但我還沒能真正理解這一點。下一點，對人們真實意圖的不信任和憤世嫉俗。我可以肯定地說，這是我以前就有的感覺。我記得當時我覺得大多數人只是想利用我，而不是想和我建立聯繫，這種想法是非常不健康的。

I know. So yeah, I'm a recovering vulnerable narcissist. I know I've still got a lot of work to do. But even to this day, I could still see those reactions attempting to arise in me, though it's a lot easier for me to catch myself in these old patterns of thinking. And it's not realistic for me to think that I could cut out vulnerable narcissism from my personality altogether. Heinz Kolhut believed it was better to take a patient's existing narcissistic tendencies and channel them to humor, creativity, empathy, and wisdom than attempt to eliminate narcissism entirely from their personality structure. Can't be done. You got to live with it, embrace it. So this is a part of who I am. This is where practicing self-compassion has helped me out a lot. I got into the work of Kristin Neff and Christopher Germer. I practiced loving kindness meditations every day, and I took an eight-week class on mindful self-compassion as well. A big message for all three was the idea of shared humanity, which isn't just a Buddhist idea, but one that Kauffman echoes as well.

我知道所以是的，我是一個正在恢復的脆弱自戀者。我知道我還有很多工作要做。但即使到了今天，我仍然能看到自己身上試圖出現的那些反應，雖然我更容易在這些舊的思維模式中抓住自己。對我來說，要想從我的人格中完全剔除脆弱的自戀是不現實的。海因茨-科胡特（Heinz Kolhut）認為，與其試圖從患者的人格結構中完全消除自戀傾向，不如將患者現有的自戀傾向引導到幽默、創造力、同情心和智慧上來。做不到。你必須與它共存，擁抱它。所以，這就是我的一部分。這就是練習自我同情對我幫助很大的地方。我開始接觸克里斯汀-內夫和克里斯托弗

Since none of us is perfect, we tend to feel more comfortable with others who express our common humanity, including acknowledging human imperfections, rather than with those who always seem to have it all together. So yeah, I don't have it all together, clearly, as you could have seen through my last few videos, nor am I alone in my feelings of vulnerable narcissism. I think some of you listening might be able to relate to this as well, to some degree. Narcissism isn't a binary in which you meet enough of the criteria and then flip the switch into narcissism. We all fall somewhere on the spectrum, though I can definitely see how I felt at big time. Bigger than you. Oh, shit, there's my narcissism coming through. Okay, back to Kauffman.

因為我們都不是完美的，所以我們傾向於與那些能夠表達我們共同的人性（包括承認人性的不完美）的人在一起，而不是與那些看起來總是很完美的人在一起，這樣我們會感覺更舒服。所以，是的，我並不完美，很明顯，你們可以通過我過去的幾個視頻看到這一點，我也不是一個人在脆弱的自戀中。我想你們中的一些人可能在某種程度上也能體會到這一點。自戀並不是一個二元對立的概念，你滿足了足夠的標準，就可以打開開關變成自戀。我們都屬於光譜上的某個範圍，雖然我絕對能理解自己在大時代的感受。比你大哦，該死，我的自戀來了。好吧，回到考夫曼。

This suggests that those who score high in vulnerable narcissism tend to avoid the very things that will give them the greatest happiness and growth in life.

這表明，那些在脆弱自戀方面得分較高的人往往會迴避那些能給他們帶來最大幸福和人生成長的事情。

I think this is a good segue into the next half of the book, which I found a lot more pleasure in reading. The first half of the book was a bit of a slog and really got me to do the work with constant gut punches along the way. Yeah, it was tough. The second half of the book, though, filled me with a sense of optimism and hope and felt like a reward for getting through the first half. So now that we've discussed a bit about the secure base of our sailboat, let's talk about how we can open our sails and start living a self-actualized and fulfilling life of exploration, love, and purpose. Also, it's not as if getting a secure base is going to be enough for us to feel self-actualized or our best selves. According to Maslow, even if all these basic needs are satisfied, we may still often, if not always, expect that a new discontent and restlessness will soon develop unless the individual is doing what he individually is fitted for. A musician must make music. An artist must paint. A poet must write if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be, he must be. He must be true to his own nature. This need we may call self-actualization. I'll admit I started to get a little doubtful at this section as it seemed that only creatives and artists qualify as people who are self-actualized and that would be rather unfair to the vast majority of the world. And let's be honest, there are a lot of artists out there whose lives we don't want to follow.

我認為這是進入本書下半部的一個很好的切入點，我在閱讀中發現了更多的樂趣。這本書的前半部分有點艱苦，一路上不斷地給我打擊，讓我不得不去努力。是的，很艱難。不過，書的後半部分讓我充滿了樂觀和希望，感覺就像是對我讀完前半部分的獎勵。既然我們已經討論了帆船的穩固基礎，那我們就來談談如何張開風帆，開始過上自我實現的、充實的、充滿探索、愛和目標的生活。另外，並不是有了安全的基礎，我們就能感覺到自我實現或最好的自己。根據馬斯洛的觀點，即使所有這些基本需求都得到了滿足，我們仍然會經常（如果不是總是的話）預期很快就會產生新

Are the Gucci gang self-actualized? Self-actualization is more than just sex, drugs, and rock and roll and to live fast, die young, and leave a beautiful corpse. So thankfully, that's not the recipe for self-actualization. Kaufman offers a list of the characteristics of self-actualization. So let's gather around now and read them together, shall we, and see how many of these we can say apply to ourselves.

古奇幫是自我實現嗎？自我實現不僅僅是性、毒品和搖滾樂，也不僅僅是活得快、死得早和留下一具美麗的屍體。值得慶幸的是，這並不是自我實現的祕訣。考夫曼列舉了自我實現的特徵。現在，讓我們圍在一起，一起讀一讀，看看其中有多少能適用於我們自己。

Truth seeking. I am always trying to get at the real truth about people and nature.

追求真理。我一直在努力探尋人與自然的真相。

Acceptance. I accept all of my quirks and desires without shame or apology.

接受。我接受自己所有的怪癖和慾望，不感到羞愧，也不道歉。

Purpose. I feel a great responsibility and duty to accomplish a particular mission in life.

目的。我覺得自己有很大的責任和義務去完成人生中的一項特殊使命。

Authenticity. I can maintain my dignity and integrity even in environments and situations that are undignified. Continued freshness of appreciation. I can appreciate again and again, freshly and naively, the basic goods of life, with awe, pleasure, wonder, and even ecstasy, however stale these experiences may have become to others.

真實。即使在不體面的環境和情況下，我也能保持自己的尊嚴和正直。持續的新鮮感。我可以懷著敬畏、愉悅、驚奇甚至狂喜的心情，一次又一次地、新鮮而天真地欣賞生活中的基本物品，無論這些體驗對他人來說已經變得多麼陳舊。

Peak experiences. I often have experiences in which I feel new horizons and possibilities opening up for myself and others. Humanitarianism. I have a genuine desire to help the human race. Good moral intuition. I can tell deep down right away when I've done something wrong. Creative spirit. I have a generally creative spirit that touches everything I do. Equanimity. I tend to take life's inevitable ups and downs with grace, acceptance, and equanimity. So now reading this list makes self-actualization seem more attainable to those who are not artistically inclined. Nor is self-actualization something that is idealistic and out of reach. As Kaufman has studied self-actualization rather extensively, he suggests that it's not rare, it's not associated with age, nor is it associated with race, ethnicity, or gender. Self-actualization is available to us all, in all walks of life.

高峰體驗。在我的經歷中，我經常會感覺到自己和他人都有了新的視野和可能性。人道主義。我有幫助人類的真誠願望。良好的道德直覺。當我做錯事時，我能立刻從內心深處察覺出來。創新精神。我有一種普遍的創造精神，這種精神影響著我所做的每一件事。平和的心態。我對生活中不可避免的起起落落都能從容應對、坦然接受、泰然處之。是以，現在讀了這份清單，對於那些沒有藝術傾向的人來說，自我實現似乎更容易實現了。自我實現也不是理想化的、遙不可及的東西。考夫曼對自我實現進行了廣泛的研究，他認為自我實現並不罕見，與年齡無關，也與種族、民族或

And with the characteristics here, it seems that they're available with a change of perspective, a change in your lens through which you see the world. For example, a continued freshness of appreciation is a mindset we could all cultivate when we stop to smell the roses.

而這裡的這些特點，似乎只要改變一下視角，改變一下你看世界的視角，就能獲得。例如，當我們靜下心來聞一聞玫瑰花香時，就能培養出一種持續欣賞的心態。

Self-actualization isn't just airy fairy idealism either. These are actually scientifically measured. So here, you could take the test yourself and see how close to self-actualization you are at selfactualizationtest.com. Answer the questions as you do in any personality test, and you could see a nice bar graph at the end. I had issues with some of the questions, however, and I think perhaps they need to be rewarded. I've always felt kind of iffy about these tests.

自我實現也不只是空中樓閣式的理想主義。這些實際上都是經過科學測量的。是以，你可以在 selfactualizationtest.com 網站上進行測試，看看自己離自我實現有多近。像做任何性格測試一樣回答問題，最後你就能看到一個漂亮的柱形圖。不過，我對其中的一些問題有意見，我認為也許需要對這些問題進行獎勵。我總覺得這些測試有點不靠譜。

So for example, here are two truth-seeking questions. I often have a clear perception of reality, and I am always trying to get at the real truth of people in nature.

是以，舉例來說，這裡有兩個求真的問題。我常常對現實有清晰的認知，我總是試圖在大自然中探尋人的真實面目。

For the first question, I'm going to strongly disagree. But for the second, I'm going to strongly agree, even though they're similar. So I've recently become enamored with the work of Donald Hoffman and his idea that through evolutionary game theory, the probability that we see reality as it is, is zero. The beings that perceive fitness payoffs outperform those who perceive reality as it is. Fitness trumps truth. We weren't built to see the world as it is.

對於第一個問題，我堅決不同意。但對於第二個問題，我會非常同意，儘管它們很相似。我最近迷上了唐納德-霍夫曼（Donald Hoffman）的研究，他認為通過進化博弈論，我們看到現實的概率為零。那些感知到 "健康 "回報的生物，會比那些感知到 "現實 "的生物更勝一籌。健康勝過真相。我們並不是為了看到世界的本來面目而生的。

We're built to survive and procreate. And so our perceptions are a virtual reality headset whose interface is goal-oriented to satisfying our survival needs. So this ties in with what

我們為生存和繁衍而生。是以，我們的感知就是一個虛擬現實頭盔，其界面以滿足我們的生存需求為目標。是以，這與

Maslow and Kaufman were saying about how when we're in need, we distort reality to satisfy those needs. Think of it as one of those body scanners at the airport. When they take a picture of you, their interface isn't designed to show reality as it is, with the details of your shirt and your hair and your eye color and your respiratory rate or any of that. All the body scanning interface shows you is if you have metal on you and the outline of your genitals.

馬斯洛和考夫曼說過，當我們有需求時，我們會扭曲現實來滿足這些需求。把它想象成機場裡的人體掃描儀。當他們給你拍照時，他們的界面並不是為了顯示現實而設計的，包括你的襯衫、頭髮、眼睛顏色、呼吸頻率等細節。人體掃描界面只顯示你身上是否有金屬以及生殖器的輪廓。

But on the other hand, I'm always trying to get at the real truth of people in nature. I'm aware of my effort to find the truth, to get closer to it, to calm my sense of need and to connect with my bodily senses as much as I can. Even though I know it won't get me to the truth itself,

但另一方面，我總是試圖在大自然中探尋人的真實面目。我意識到自己在努力尋找真相，努力接近真相，努力平息自己的需求感，努力盡可能地與自己的身體感官建立聯繫。儘管我知道這不會讓我找到真相本身、

I think it'll get me closer to it than when I'm in a deficiency mindset. So moving on, here's another problem I had. I don't know how to choose between agree and strongly agree.

我想，這比我抱著不足的心態時更能讓我接近它。繼續說下去，這是我遇到的另一個問題。我不知道如何在 "同意 "和 "非常同意 "之間做出選擇。

So for me, I'd answer strongly agree to questions that I felt physiologically excited about. So let's look at these two questions as an example. A sunset looks just as beautiful every time I see one. So for me, I answer strongly agree to this one because I f***ing love sunsets.

是以，對我來說，我會對那些我在生理上感到興奮的問題回答 "非常同意"。讓我們以這兩個問題為例。每次看到日落，我都會覺得它很美。所以對我來說，我會回答 "非常同意"，因為我非常喜歡日落。

I've always got my eye out for them. I don't know why I love them so much, but I always get lost staring into them and I take pictures of them even though I already have tons of pictures of sunsets and it's not even like I look at the pictures afterwards. And so in answering this question,

我總是留意它們。我不知道自己為什麼這麼喜歡日落，但我總是迷迷糊糊地盯著日落看，儘管我已經有了很多日落的照片，但我還是會拍下它們，甚至事後也不會看這些照片。是以，在回答這個問題時

I remembered my time with sunsets and I felt the warm swirling in my chest and I got excited for the next sunset I'm going to see tonight. So yeah, I strongly agree. But look at this similar question on this test. I can appreciate again and again, freshly and naively, the basic goods of life with awe, pleasure, wonder, and even ecstasy. However stale these experiences may have become to others. For that, I don't feel the same kind of swirly whirlies that I did with the sunset question, even though I think the question is a rephrasing of the same metric that Kauffman is trying to measure. And because I didn't feel the same, I didn't think that I felt as strongly.

我回憶起與日落相伴的時光，胸中湧起一股暖流，為今晚即將看到的下一個日落而激動不已。所以，是的，我非常同意。但看看這次考試的類似問題。我可以懷著敬畏、愉悅、驚奇甚至狂喜的心情，一次又一次、新鮮而天真地欣賞生活中的基本物品。無論這些體驗對其他人來說已經變得多麼陳舊。儘管我認為日落的問題是考夫曼試圖衡量的同一標準的重新表述，但我並沒有在日落的問題上感受到同樣的漩渦。正因為我沒有同樣的感受，所以我認為我的感受沒有那麼強烈。

So is this just an agree or a strongly agree? I think the questions could be reworded a bit. And the five point scale, I think is an issue as I kind of have difficulty with adding quantities to qualities on a personal relational level, but that's a different story altogether. But these are just my own little quibbles here because on a scientific level, Kauffman scale does offer some really good correlations worth noting. Self-actualization scores were associated with multiple indicators of wellbeing, including greater life satisfaction, curiosity, self-acceptance, positive relationships, environmental mastery, personal growth, autonomy, and purpose in life. So when all is said and done, the more self-actualized we are, the measurably better our lives can be. And while self-actualization is tied into our perceptions of the world, it might not be as easy as just telling ourselves to think differently.

那麼，這只是 "同意 "還是 "非常同意"？我認為這些問題可以重新措辭。我認為五點量表是個問題，因為在個人關係層面上，我很難將數量與品質相加，但這完全是另一回事。但這些都只是我個人的小爭議，因為在科學層面上，考夫曼量表確實提供了一些值得注意的非常好的相關性。自我實現得分與多個幸福指標相關，包括更高的生活滿意度、好奇心、自我接納、積極的人際關係、環境掌控、個人成長、自主性和生活目標。是以，說到底，我們的自我實現程度越高，我們的生活就越好。雖然自我實現與我們對世界的看法息息相關，但它可能並不像告訴自己換個角度

There are some actions, habits, and orientations that we're going to need in order to cultivate that kind of mindset. And with that, let's look at exploration, love, and purpose.

為了培養這種心態，我們需要一些行動、習慣和方向。是以，讓我們來看看探索、愛和目標。

The first aspect of exploration falls into the realm of adventure seeking and growth.

探索的第一個方面是尋求冒險和成長。

We have a need to explore, to go out into the unfamiliar, to experience novelty, to be challenged, to go to the boundaries of our windows of tolerance, to ardently seek out our potential and to be changed by it all. Think of this terms of a securely attached child who knows that they can return to their caretakers and go out and experience and play, as opposed to anxiously attached children who are too afraid and constantly need to be comforted and regulated.

我們需要探索，需要到陌生的環境中去，需要體驗新奇，需要接受挑戰，需要突破自己的承受極限，需要熱切地發掘自己的潛能，需要被這一切所改變。想想看，安全依戀的孩子知道他們可以回到看護人身邊，出去體驗和玩耍，而焦慮依戀的孩子則過於害怕，不斷需要安慰和管束。

For those that are somewhat into neuroscience and neurochemistry, or have heard about it at least, the exploration drive is fueled by dopamine, which has been popularized and as a result, a bit misunderstood, as all things popularized usually are. It isn't just a chemical that makes you feel nice. Dopamine is the drug of wanting, not of getting. And it feels good to want something, kind of like when the new iPhone is announced and then we get excited for it, but once we get it, the good feeling fades soon after. Think about how excited you are for an upcoming trip, and then once the trip is over, that feeling is gone. How often does your second day on vacation feel not as exciting as the first? So the value of exploration and self-actualization isn't about just getting the next iPhone every year. For exploration's role in self-actualization, the value of dopamine is in the acquisition of information. It's cognitive exploration, as Kaufman describes it, from which we extract information that helps us find meaning and grow.

對於那些對神經科學和神經化學有點研究，或者至少聽說過的人來說，探索動力是由多巴胺激發的，多巴胺已經被大眾化了，是以有點被誤解了，就像所有被大眾化的東西通常都會被誤解一樣。多巴胺並不僅僅是一種讓人感覺良好的化學物質。多巴胺是 "想要 "的藥物，而不是 "得到 "的藥物。想要得到某樣東西的感覺很好，就像當新款 iPhone 發佈時，我們會為之興奮，但一旦我們得到了它，這種美好的感覺很快就會消失。想想你對即將到來的旅行有多興奮，但旅行一結束，這種感覺就消失了。你有多少次在度假的第二天感覺沒有第一天那麼興奮？是以

We feel more self-actualized when we can extrapolate meaning from our new experiences and then incorporate that new information into our being. It's that opposite feeling of being stuck.

當我們能從新的經歷中推斷出意義，並將這些新資訊融入我們的存在時，我們會感到更加自我實現。這是一種與困頓相反的感覺。

A big part of this growth drive is social exploration as well. We don't just want to learn from others, but we want to learn about others. We're interested in their experiences, in their perspectives, in their stories. I don't know about you, but I enjoy my conversations with others the less I speak about myself and the more I hear about them. I already know my story, but thank you very much. I've been telling it to myself my whole life. Let me hear your story instead. So this sense of adventure seeking is somewhat tied into post-traumatic growth, which might sound insensitive at first, as trauma isn't adventurous or thrilling in a typical sense.

這種成長動力的一個重要部分也是社會探索。我們不僅想向他人學習，還想了解他人。我們對他們的經歷、觀點和故事感興趣。我不知道你是怎麼想的，但我很享受與他人的談話，因為我越少談及自己，就越能聽到他們的故事。我已經知道自己的故事，但還是非常感謝你們。我這一生都在自說自話。讓我聽聽你的故事吧。是以，這種尋求冒險的意識在某種程度上與創傷後的成長聯繫在一起，乍聽起來可能有些麻木不仁，因為創傷並不是典型意義上的冒險或刺激。

What both share, though, is strategies for coping with stressors and growing from them. While adventure seekers voluntarily seek their challenges, trauma survivors don't seek their trauma. So I'm not sure if you share the same experience as well, but I've only heard about post-traumatic stress disorder for most of my life, or PTSD, and it's only within the last year and a half that I heard about post-traumatic growth. And for a while after hearing about post-traumatic growth, I thought that it was kind of a rare case for growth and that mentioning growth out of trauma was insensitive to those who are suffering from PTSD. But according to Kauffman, studies show that the majority of trauma survivors do not develop PTSD, and a large number even report growth from their experience. So I've heard Paul Bloom take up issue with the idea of post-traumatic growth in a discussion with Kauffman on the Psychology Podcast, but

不過，兩者的共同之處在於應對壓力並從中成長的策略。探險者主動尋求挑戰，而創傷倖存者並不尋求創傷。是以，我不確定你是否也有同樣的經歷，但我一生中的大部分時間都只聽說過創傷後應激障礙或創傷後應激障礙，直到最近一年半才聽說過創傷後成長。在聽說創傷後成長後的一段時間裡，我認為這是一種罕見的成長案例，而且提到創傷後成長對那些患有創傷後應激障礙的人來說是麻木不仁的。但根據考夫曼的說法，研究表明，大多數創傷倖存者並沒有患上創傷後應激障礙，甚至有很多人報告說他們從自己的經歷中獲得了成長。是以，我聽到保羅-布魯姆（Paul

I wasn't convinced by his arguments. I'm more aligned with the idea that majority of the time, whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. And a Buddhist saying I heard is not to let any good suffering go to waste. So after facing adversities, we experience a kind of positive disintegration in which our old notions of ourself and our lives are kind of taken apart, and then we could reform our image of ourselves and our ideas about our lives. So I think it's useful here to look at the umbrella concept of trauma. According to Richard Tedeschi, who's a retired professor from

他的論點說服不了我。我更傾向於這樣一種觀點，即大多數時候，任何殺不死你的東西都會讓你變得更強大。我聽過的一句佛語是：不要讓任何美好的痛苦白白浪費。是以，在面對逆境後，我們會經歷一種積極的解體，在這種解體中，我們對自己和生活的舊觀念會被撕裂，然後我們可以重塑自己的形象和對生活的想法。是以，我認為在這裡看一下 "創傷 "這個總括概念是很有用的。根據理查德-特德斯奇（Richard Tedeschi）的說法，他是一位退休教授。

UNC, he's been studying trauma for decades. He suggests that trauma is in the eye of the beholder.

聯合國軍司令部，他研究創傷已有幾十年。他認為，創傷就在觀察者的眼中。

Trauma isn't defined by certain kinds of events. Trauma is a disruption of the core belief system.

創傷並不是由某類事件定義的。創傷是對核心信念系統的破壞。

So in my case, I had a core belief that I was going to be married for the rest of my life. It was a very big part of my identity, both personally and even professionally, as I made a few videos about it in the past. And the adversity of going through a divorce is really traumatic, as most people who have gone through divorces will tell you. It ain't a walk in the park, and mine unfortunately resulted in a dragging through the mud. Take a look at my last three YouTube videos, in which I definitely had a disintegration of my old self, and it really kind of freaked out a lot of people. I don't think my disintegration of my old self was as positive as I'd have liked, as it was more a matter of me avoiding many parts of myself and feeling deep shame.

是以，就我而言，我有一個核心信念，那就是我這輩子都要結婚。這是我身份的一個重要組成部分，無論是個人的還是職業的，因為我過去曾製作過一些關於它的視頻。正如大多數經歷過離婚的人都會告訴你的那樣，經歷離婚的逆境確實是一種創傷。這不是在公園裡散步，而我的離婚不幸導致了拖泥帶水。看看我最近的三個 YouTube 視頻吧，在這三個視頻中，我絕對是舊貌換新顏，讓很多人都嚇了一跳。我不認為我的 "舊我解體 "有我所希望的那麼積極，因為它更多的是我在迴避自己的許多部分，並深感羞愧。

Yeah, it wasn't pretty. I'm kind of embarrassed by it.

是啊，不好看。我都有點不好意思了

So let's bring this back to the book. According to Kaufman, there are seven areas of growth that spring from adversity, all of which I could say I now relate to.

讓我們回到這本書上來。根據考夫曼的觀點，逆境中的成長有七個方面，我可以說，我現在對所有這些方面都感同身受。

Number one, greater appreciation of life. I could say this is something I feel, even though I'm not sure how to quantify appreciation and measure it as higher or lower. Do I appreciate more things than before? I don't know. I haven't been keeping count.

第一，更加珍惜生活。我可以說這是我的感受，儘管我不知道如何量化欣賞，如何衡量它的高低。我是否比以前欣賞更多的東西？我不知道。我也沒數過。

And this is where Paul Bloom's argument against post-traumatic growth comes in, because he suggests that humans are good storytellers, and maybe we're lying to ourselves when we say that we grow from our trauma. I just, I don't like that idea though.

這就是保羅-布魯姆反對創傷後成長的論點所在，因為他認為人類是很好的講故事者，當我們說我們從創傷中成長時，也許是在自欺欺人。但我不喜歡這個觀點。

So what I can say is that I'm really enjoying my life now, and I can remember more moments of fulfillment and excitement than I was when I was at the start of the divorce process, which is why I'm kind of inching towards thinking that I have a greater appreciation of life. I could definitely say that I appreciate different things in life now, and I feel excited for my potential to grow. Number two, greater appreciation and strengthening of close relationships. So this is easily verifiable for me as it was one of the first things I tried to do, not only reconnect with family and friends, but to get closer with them, to spend more time together, to be kinder to them and to be more attentive. So a hundred percent yes. Increased compassion and altruism, again, another a hundred percent yes, easily so, as some might remember in one of my first podcasts that I didn't really even understand what compassion was, while compassion is now something that I practice every single day. Nor did I really consider myself altruistic or even charitable before, while now I've become really interested in effective altruism and I kind of preach it to my friends. And it's a cause that I've talked about here a few times as well. Number three, the identification of new possibilities or a purpose in life. I think this might sound cheesy to those who haven't been part of the discord, but this work here kind of feels like my new purpose, one that I feel excited about. By the end of my YouTube career, I kind of lost sight of what I was doing all these videos for. While now I think that through starting this book club and through sharing my experiences with these books, I think I could do something more meaningful in my life and perhaps meaningful in the lives of others. What point am I at? I kind of lost track. All right, number four, greater awareness and utilization of personal strengths. Interestingly enough, one of the first books that I read at the start of my divorce was Martin Seligman's Flourish, where a key aspect of the book is to find out what your signature strengths are and then to do activities that utilize those strengths. While my major signature strengths are curiosity, love of learning, and appreciation of beauty, I think you could see how this book club satisfied those first two. My appreciation of beauty hasn't stopped much. I've still been taking lots of photos and videos, even though I haven't been sharing them. Okay, so for those of you watching the

是以，我可以說，我現在真的很享受生活，我能回憶起比離婚之初更多的充實和興奮的時刻，這就是為什麼我有點傾向於認為我對生活有了更多的領悟。我可以肯定地說，我現在欣賞生活中不同的事物，我為自己的成長潛力感到興奮。第二，更加珍惜和加強親密關係。這對我來說很容易驗證，因為這是我首先要做的事情之一，我不僅要與家人和朋友重新建立聯繫，還要與他們更加親密，花更多的時間在一起，對他們更加友善，更加細心。所以，百分之百的肯定。增強同情心和利他主義，同樣是百分之百的肯定，很容易做到，有些人可能還記得，在我的第一個播客中，我甚至

YouTube video here, here are a few. Okay, that's enough. Enough. I actually found this exercise very useful to me and very fulfilling, so I suggest maybe you try it as well. Go to viacharacter.org and then you could find out what your strengths are and then try to do activities that live up to those strengths. Number one, two, three, four, five. Number six, enhanced spiritual development. From my what happened assignment video, where I put on my namaste voice and talked a bunch about mindfulness and meditation, it's clear now that Buddhism is a big part of my life and meditation is a substantial part of my day as well. I listen to talks about the science of consciousness, mindfulness, compassion, and meditation every day. So yeah, spirituality is a big part of my life now. And point number seven, creative growth. Here's where I'm going to say that I'm failing a bit, as I'm not nearly as creatively productive as I once was, but I'm trying out a new format here, so I'll say it's kind of creative growth, but it's not to the same degree that I feel comfortable in identifying with the other factors. It took me a lot of flailing around and making of thunderous mistakes to get here, especially in the early stages of my denying and rejecting my former self. It was super alienating and sometimes even mean to the people that were watching, and I am sorry for that. I wish I would have read this book sooner, especially the point that instead of trying everything we can to inhibit or self-regulate those emotions, experiential avoidance, avoiding feared thoughts, feelings, and sensations paradoxically makes things worse, reinforcing our belief that the world is not safe and making it more difficult to pursue valued long-term goals. Yeah, yeah, I definitely can relate to that. So that's all I'm going to say about post-traumatic growth and this section of exploration, which has a lot more to offer, so now let's move on to the next section of love. So let's start off this section by outright giving up on love. The word, that is. It's such a messy word, isn't it? It's so emotionally charged, and if someone says, I love you, it's pretty much a substitute for, I feel nice feelings towards you, but even then it's not true in all cases. Everyone has their own meaning of it, even if they haven't thought deeply about the meaning. We haven't converged on a single understanding of it, the way we understand what it means to run, or to cook, or to dance, or to pay taxes. Ideas about the right way to love and be loved cause so much confusion and pain. We all want it, but like ice cream, we all want a different flavor of it. Poets and writers and singers have talked about it forever, in better words than I can offer here, and with all of their wisdom and insights that we've been bombarded with, we still kind of suck at it. Or at least, I kind of suck at it, as, well, many of you might be aware.

這裡是 YouTube 視頻，這裡有一些。好了，夠了。夠了實際上，我發現這個練習對我非常有用，也很有成就感，所以我建議你也試試。去viacharacter.org網站，然後你可以找出你的長處，然後試著做一些符合這些長處的活動。一、二、三、四、五。第六項，加強精神發展。從我的 "發生了什麼 "任務視頻中，我用 "南無阿彌陀佛 "的聲音說了一大堆關於正念和冥想的內容，現在很清楚，佛教是我生活的重要組成部分，冥想也是我每天生活的重要組成部分。我每天都聽關於意識科學、正念、慈悲和冥想的講座。所以是的，靈性是我現在

I'm definitely not a reliable source of information on love here, so all I could do is offer quotes and questions, so let's look at the science of it instead. For this book's meaning of love, in this chapter in particular, I think it's important to look at love through the lens of growth rather than through the lens of security. We're not talking about a lack of love, the deficiency of love, or de-love as Maslow puts it. We're talking about the ways to be loving, or be-love. This isn't about what it's like to get love, which is often the substitute for satisfying our needs for safety, security, and esteem. But once those needs are met, let's talk about what it's like to give love.

在這裡，我絕對不是一個可靠的愛情資訊來源，所以我所能做的只是提供一些引語和問題，所以讓我們來看看它的科學性吧。對於本書中愛的含義，尤其是在這一章中，我認為重要的是要從成長的角度而不是安全的角度來看待愛。我們不是在談論缺乏愛、愛的不足，或者馬斯洛所說的去愛。我們討論的是如何去愛，或如何成為愛。這並不是在討論獲得愛的感覺，因為愛往往是滿足我們對安全、保障和自尊的需求的替代品。但一旦這些需求得到滿足，我們再來談談付出愛的感覺。

As Kaufman puts it, instead of needing, be-love is admiring, and instead of striving for satiation, be-love usually grows rather than disappears. So let's take a bit of a detour. I'd like to focus on this idea of love disappearing, which seems to be a feature of de-love instead, and wondering what deficiencies can lead to love disappearing. I'm going to skip to the appendix of the book here for some insight. Going back to the idea of our perception of reality being an interface through which we can obtain resources, it's not as if we have a goal to obtain a resource, and then we focus the entirety of our being in obtaining that resource. Like, oh, I need a job, so I'm just going to focus on that non-stop. We get distracted along the way, and faff about doing other things instead of what we tell ourselves is our most important goal. As Kaufman puts it, humans have multiple, often conflicting goals, some of which are conscious, many of which are not. So while we may need to get a job for financial security, we may also feel the need to hang out with our friends for connection, or play Call of Duty online for self-esteem issues. It sometimes feels good to talk about other people's mothers online. Not that I do it. I don't play Call of Duty. As we have many things we want to do and are pulled in many different directions, we can feel very conflicted in many situations. As Kaufman puts it, if sometimes it feels as though there are multiple personalities within you that are constantly warring with one another, well, that's because there are multiple personalities within you that are constantly warring with one another. Each of us contains a bundle of dispositions, emotional tendencies, values, attitudes, beliefs, and motives that are often contradictory and incompatible. So let's keep that in mind and bring this back to love, and consider our different needs in a romantic relationship to be its own bundle of dispositions.

正如考夫曼所說，"被愛 "不是需要，而是欣賞；"被愛 "不是追求滿足，而是成長而不是消失。所以，讓我們繞個彎。我想重點談談 "愛消失 "這一觀點，這似乎是 "去愛 "的一個特徵，並想知道哪些缺陷會導致 "愛消失"。在這裡，我想跳到書的附錄中去了解一些情況。回到 "我們對現實的感知是一個界面，通過它我們可以獲得資源 "這個觀點上來，這並不是說我們有一個獲得資源的目標，然後我們把全部的精力都放在獲得這個資源上。比如，哦，我需要一份工作，所以我就會不停地關注這個問題。一路上，我們會分心，忙於做其他事情，而不是告

The typical romantic relationship can be thought of as blending some combination of attachment, caregiving, lust, and romantic passion. While these elements are often deeply intertwined in a romantic relationship, each element has, quite literally, a mind of its own. Each is a hallmark of a specific system that evolved to facilitate a specific problem associated with survival and reproduction. Each of the elements of romantic love, attachment, caregiving, lust, and romantic passion works with the others in differing degrees of intensity to produce the myriad ways people express romantic love around the world. Nevertheless, a failure to integrate these various systems in a healthy way in a relationship and within ourselves can create enormous confusion and frustration. To me, this was very illuminating. I've read a bunch about how we have different personalities within us, within the framework of internal family systems therapy, and also the wild realm of split-brain experiments, but I didn't think of viewing the elements within a romantic relationship as being different personalities as well, all of which are vying for attention and employing different strategies to get their needs met.

典型的浪漫關係可以被認為是依戀、關愛、慾望和浪漫激情的某種組合。雖然這些元素通常在浪漫關係中交織在一起，但每個元素都有自己的思想。每個元素都是一個特定系統的標誌，這個系統的進化是為了解決與生存和繁衍相關的特定問題。浪漫愛情、依戀、照顧、情慾和浪漫激情的每一個元素都以不同的強度與其他元素共同作用，從而產生了世界各地人們表達浪漫愛情的無數方式。然而，如果我們不能以健康的方式將這些不同的系統整合到一段關係中和我們自己的內心，就會產生巨大的困惑和挫敗感。對我來說，這很有啟發性。我讀過很多關於我們如何在內部家庭系統

While we have these four needs in a relationship, it's easy to see how when our partner falters in one of these aspects, we can get into a mindset of the relationship not satisfying us wholly, even if it satisfies our other needs. Once we start looking at our partner for what they lack, resentment and discontent can kick in, and we slide into the realm of D-love, rather than seeing what we admire about our partner by keeping the continued freshness of appreciation we have for sunsets and staying within the realm of B-love. To quote Kaufman,

在一段關係中，我們有這四種需求，但很容易發現，當伴侶在其中一個方面出現問題時，我們就會陷入這樣一種心態，即這段關係不能完全滿足我們，即使它滿足了我們的其他需求。一旦我們開始關注伴侶的不足，怨恨和不滿就會隨之而來，我們就會滑入 D 級愛情的境界，而不是通過保持對日落的持續新鮮感來欣賞伴侶的優點，從而保持在 B 級愛情的境界中。引用考夫曼的話

Due to the narratives and unrealistic expectations our society holds about romantic love, we often enter relationships with ideas that are destined to lead to disappointment and resentment.

由於我們的社會對浪漫愛情的敘述和不切實際的期望，我們常常帶著註定會導致失望和怨恨的想法進入人際關係。

Many of us believe there is one right person out there for us, and we expect that partner to be our everything. We expect them to satiate our insatiable sex drive, satisfy our need for belonging, and quell our deepest existential feelings of despair. The book doesn't offer a way to have a relationship that keeps all four elements satisfied, and I don't have any insights either. Sorry. What's offered though is the suggestion that this is perhaps the wrong question, and we need a reframing of the problem. As the urge to have all of these needs met is a path that's going to lead to doom. What's needed is to change your mind about your relationship and to see it in a different way. Instead of blaming your partner for not fulfilling all of your needs, blame yourself for your piss poor attitude. Or as Kaufman puts it,

我們中的許多人都相信，世上只有一個合適的人，我們期望那個伴侶是我們的一切。我們期望他們能滿足我們永不滿足的性慾，滿足我們對歸屬感的需求，平息我們內心深處對生存的絕望。書中並沒有提供讓這四種元素都得到滿足的戀愛方式，我也沒有任何見解。對不起。不過，書中提出的建議是，這也許是個錯誤的問題，我們需要重新思考這個問題。因為想要滿足所有這些需求的衝動是一條會導致滅亡的道路。我們需要的是改變你對這段關係的看法，用另一種方式來看待它。與其責怪你的伴侶沒有滿足你所有的需求，不如責怪你自己的態度太差。或者正如考夫曼所說：

Love is not a specific encounter, but an attitude. A problem of not being loved is more often than not a problem of not loving. Still, I could see some people getting stuck with this statement. More often than not is an idea worth unpacking. If being loved is more often than not a problem of not loving, then in what cases is not being loved a problem of something else? So I think this confusion with love falls under tethering being loved and loving just to intimate relationships. It's not an encounter with someone, but an attitude, a disposition. If not being loved is a problem of not loving, it's like saying not being run is a problem of not running, or not being fed is a problem of not feeding. The onus is upon us to be loving, to give it out, to do it, rather than to seek it. Love is something we actually do rather than something we passively receive. In Belle Hooks's All About Love, she mentions how often we talk about falling in love as it's something that comes over us, something that happens to us. But instead of falling in love, how about standing in love, walking in love?

愛不是一種具體的遭遇，而是一種態度。不被愛的問題往往就是不愛的問題。儘管如此，我還是能看到一些人被這句話所困擾。"往往 "是一個值得解讀的概念。如果 "被愛 "往往是 "不愛 "的問題，那麼在什麼情況下，"不被愛 "又是其他問題呢？是以，我認為這種對愛的混淆是把被愛和愛僅僅與親密關係聯繫在一起。這不是與某人的相遇，而是一種態度，一種性情。如果不被愛是不愛的問題，那就好比說不被跑是不跑的問題，或者不被喂是不喂的問題。我們有責任去愛，去付出，去做，而不是去尋求。愛是我們實實在在做出來的，而不是被動接受的。在貝

The beauty of viewing love as an attitude or an orientation toward others is that you don't need to wait until you have quote unquote positivity resonance with another person before acting lovingly toward them. This is why I find it necessary to distinguish be love from the need for connection. As a person matures and the needs of others become just as important as the needs of oneself, a person gradually transforms the idea of love from being loved into loving from a state of dependency in which one is rewarded by being loved to a loving orientation in which one is capable of loving the world at large.

將愛視為對他人的一種態度或取向，其美妙之處在於，你不需要等到與他人產生引號式的積極共鳴後，才對他們表現出愛。這就是為什麼我認為有必要將 "愛 "與 "聯繫的需要 "區分開來。隨著一個人的成熟，他人的需要變得與自己的需要同樣重要，一個人就會逐漸將愛的觀念從被愛轉化為愛，從一種通過被愛而獲得回報的依賴狀態轉化為一種能夠愛整個世界的愛的取向。

Now this to me sounds like a much better way to love, doesn't it? And if you're not convinced yet, listen to all the benefits it confers.

對我來說，這聽起來像是一種更好的愛的方式，不是嗎？如果你還不相信，那就聽聽它帶來的種種好處吧。

Be loving people are high in universal concern, commitment to equal opportunity, justice and protection for all people, universal tolerance, acceptance and understanding of those who are different from oneself, and promoting harmony and peace among diverse groups, trustworthiness and dependability for close loved ones, and benevolence and caring toward close friends and family. The greatest character strengths of be loving people are kindness, love, zest for life, gratitude, perspective, forgiveness, social intelligence, appreciation, teamwork, hope, fairness, curiosity, judgment, humility, love of learning, humor, and spirituality. Be loving people also score high on some agency related traits such as grit, industriousness, productiveness, organization, and responsibility.

有愛心的人具有較高的普遍關注度，致力於為所有人提供平等機會、正義和保護，普遍寬容、接納和理解與自己不同的人，促進不同群體之間的和諧與和平，對親密夫妻值得信賴和依賴，對親密朋友和家人仁慈和關愛。有愛心的人最大的性格優勢是善良、仁愛、對生活充滿熱情、感恩、有遠見、寬容、社會智慧、欣賞、團隊合作、希望、公平、好奇心、判斷力、謙遜、熱愛學習、幽默和靈性。有愛心的人在一些與機構相關的特質上得分也很高，如堅韌、勤勞、富有成效、組織性和責任感。

字幕列表影片播放

我是西蒙。我建立了自己的頻道。這是第一個視頻 (Simon here. I made my own channel. Here's the first video)

vulnerable

constantly

perceive

meditation

我是西蒙。我建立了自己的頻道。 這是第一個視頻 (Simon here. I made my own channel. Here's the first video)

vulnerable

constantly

perceive

meditation

我是西蒙。我建立了自己的頻道。這是第一個視頻 (Simon here. I made my own channel. Here's the first video)