I mean, I'm actually a really grateful person, and I know not everybody is--

我是說，我其實是個懂得感恩的人，而且我知道人多人不是這樣 ——

maybe many people in this room are-- but sometimes I feel a little burdened.

可能這裡很多人是懂得感恩的，但有時候我覺得有點負擔；

Sometimes I actually feel misunderstood, like "Why do they think I would want that?"

有時候我其實覺得被誤解了，我想：「為什麼他們以為我想要那個東西呢？」

Sometimes, I don't even notice the thing that the person did for me, because I'm just really used to them doing it for me.

有時候，我甚至不會注意有人替我做了某事，因為我非常習慣他們為我這樣做

Every once in a while, though, I feel grateful.

偶爾，某些時候，我還是會心存感激

For example, like the other day, when my romantic partner went for a run with me at 9:30 at night, just to keep me company.

例如有一天，當我浪漫的另一伴晚上 9 點半時跟我一起去跑步只為了陪伴我

So, aside from the personal benefits that I got from the run.

所以除了跑步這件事帶給我個人的好處

It was a really important type of moment for me, this gratitude, because it showed me that he understood me, and he cared.

這種心懷感激類型的時刻對我來說也很重要，因為這表示他了解而且在乎我

He knows how much mental health benefit I get from my runs,

他知道跑步對我心理健康有益

And he could tell that it was the end of a long day and I was waffling.

他也了解在經過了漫長的一天後，我拿不定主意；

I was thinking about sacrificing my run to hang out with him, because I really wanted to hang out with him, too.

我在考慮犧牲跑步然後跟他出去，因為我真的很想跟他在一起

And so, he just looked at me and he said "I'm coming with you and we're leaving in three minutes."

因為這樣，他只是看著我然後說：「我跟妳一起去。3分鐘後出門。」

What an awesome dude! And I totally needed that run.

這男人也太棒了！而且我非常需要跑步

So, what my research has shown over the past several years now, is that moments like these, between people--

我的研究顯示了，從過去好幾年到現在，人們之間的這種時刻 ——

these moments when we actually feel grateful, are important in one way,

這些我們真正感到感激的時刻，在某方面很重要

and it's because they remind us of just how great specific other people are for us in our lives.

因為它提醒了我們，在我們生活中某些特定的人對我們有多好

So, running isn't for everyone, and my guy isn't for everyone (thank goodness!),

不是每個人都喜歡跑步，也不是每個人都喜歡我的另一半 (感謝老天！)

but he's totally great for me, and so this is just one way.

但他對我來說很棒，這只是其中一部份

So, what we've discovered in our work, is that what we know about emotions,

我們也從研究中發現，我們對情感的認識

and this is the magic of emotions-- when we have an experience of gratitude, when that happens,

還有它的魔力。當我們有覺得感激的經驗，當這件事發生時

it does more than just remind us about our partner's good qualities,

這不僅僅提醒我們另一伴的好

but an emotional response provides fuel. In that moment, it coordinates our mind and body and behavior to solve a problem

而且產生的情感回饋能提供我們能量。在那感恩的時刻，我們的心智、身體跟行為相互配合以解決眼前的問題

or take advantage of a situation that is right in front of us,

或對一個情況做出絕佳判斷

and so what we've discovered over the past several years of studying gratitude and relationships,

我們從過去幾年針對心存感激及關係的研究發現

is that gratitude motivates us and it helps us to make gestures that bind us more closely with our romantic partner,

感激激勵我們並幫助我們有與另一伴更緊密的動作

and actually with other social partners in our lives.

同時也讓我們與生活中社交伙伴有更佳互動

So, in this moment with my partner where we had this really great experience, I felt gratitude,

所以在這一刻，我和我的伴侶一起擁有的美好經歷，我覺得很感激

I told him all about it-- how awesome it was and how much I appreciated him, and he felt valued.

我也告訴他所有的事 —— 這一切多美好、我多感謝他，他覺得他備受重視

My research suggests that that makes him feel more connected and interested in being in a relationship.

我的研究指出感恩讓他覺得自己與這段關係更加親密、更願意投入

This opportunity sets up the stage for our next interaction and so forth, as we move through time.

這個機會在時間推移下，製造了我們下一次及未來互動的契機

And so, what's really been interesting in this line of research is that when I started,

這個研究期程中最有趣的是，當我剛開始做研究時

I actually had some data on people in friendships,

我其實有些關於友誼方面的研究資料

and we've started moving into romantic relationships and people would say things like

然後當我們開始進行到戀愛關係的研究，大家會說：

"I don't understand. Why are you studying gratitude in romantic relationships and binding in romantic relationships? Aren't people in romantic relationships already bound together?"

「我不了解，為什麼妳要研究戀愛關係裡的感激和連結？在談戀愛的人不是已經連結在一起了嗎？」

Really? Well, that's a good myth and it's gorgeous, but this myth of true love that we get and it never fades,

是嗎？這是個很耐人尋味、美好又吸引人的謎題、這個關於 (我們認為) 真愛永不凋零的謎題；

but the data from relationship science shows

但關係科學的研究資料顯示

that over time, even for couples who stay together for decades, relationship satisfaction actually declines,

其實隨著時間，即使是在一起幾十年的伴侶，對關係的滿意程度其實會遞減

especially over the first couple of years.

尤其是在前幾年

And so, this is totally consistent with what we know about the principles of adaptation.

這完全與我們知道的適應原則相符

Think about getting a new car, whatever your flavor. Ok, a new car is shiny and awesome, just like a new relationship,

試著想像買了一部新車，不管你喜歡哪一台。新車閃閃發亮又很漂亮，就跟一段新的感情一樣

but over time, the car starts to lose that great new car smell,

但隨著時間過去，這台車逐漸失去好聞的新車味道

and it starts to become the thing that we use to get from point A to point B.

它也淪為我們已經習慣、把我們從 A 點載到 B 點的代步工具

Maybe over time, we start to look around at the other cars that are out on the street,

也許時間一久，我們開始注意街道上的其他車輛

and think about upgrading to a new model.

開始考慮升級成新的型號

So, unfortunately for cars, they can't just renew their new car smell with one simple gesture, but humans can.

可憐的車子，他們不能用個簡單的動作，就恢復新車的味道，但人類可以

Other live interaction partners can do little things, and we're reminded of the little things about them that we loved when we first met them.

生活中與我們互動的對象可以藉由一點小事情來提醒我們，當我們初次相遇時，我們喜歡他們的部分

And so, let me show you some data that are relevant to adaptation.

讓我給你們看些與適應有關的資料

This is a study of couples in romantic relationships.

這是個針對戀愛中情侶的研究，研究週期14天

Every single day for fourteen days we had each member of the couple-- one of the questions that we had them report on was

每一天我們都要兩個人回報，其中一個問題是：

"How connected they felt with their partner that day?" And you can see here across 1700 reports,

「你今天覺得你跟你的伴侶多親近？」你們可以看到，一千七百份報告中

we have a very satisfied sample of couples. The scale goes from one to five--

我們有滿意度很高的情侶。評分從 1 到 5 ；

I hope you can see that they're well above a four on the scale. On average, across all of the days.

我希望你們看得到它們在表上，一般來說，一整天下來，比4分高蠻多的

But what we know about the ebb and flow of everyday life is that it's a little more complicated than that.

但我們知道每天生活的低潮和流向比這複雜得多

Alright, I've graphed the same data a different way,

好，我把一樣的資料用不同方式資料表格呈現

and what you can see here is that every single line is a different individual participant in the study,

可以看到每一條線代表研究中的每個獨立參與者

and the x-axis that runs across the bottom is every single day (all fourteen days) of the study.

然後 X 軸 (底部那一條 )代表研究中的每一天 (總共 14 天)

You don't have to be a scientist to be able to see that people go up and down in their feelings about their partner from one day to the next,

你不用當科學家也可以看出，人們今天跟明天對他們的伴侶的感覺有高低起伏

even in this really satisfied sample!

儘管是滿意度最高的那組

So, I'm sure you can identify with this in your own relationships,

我相信你也認同你的關係也是這樣，

your romantic relationships as well as your friendships. Even if they're amazing, not every day is amazing.

不管是戀愛關係或友誼。就算你的關係很完美，也不是每天都那麼完美

So, this is where gratitude comes in.

這就是感激要參與的地方

What we found in this study is that on days when one person in the study, one of the couple members,

我們研究中發現，如果當天伴侶中一人說：

said "Hey, I felt a little more gratitude after interacting with my partner today,"

「今天和我的另一伴互動後，我有點感恩的感覺。」

their partner reported independently feeling better about this relationship than they had the day before.

對方的另一伴也回報，他們在當天比前一天，對這段感情有更好的感覺

So, we concluded from this study that even everyday gratitude can act as a 'booster shot' for romantic relationships.

我們從這個研究可以歸納：日常的感激可以扮演戀愛中的「催化劑」

Now, what I've been studying in the past couple of years is "How does that happen?"

我過去幾年一直在研究的是：「這是怎麼發生的？」

It's kind of a fascinating research question for an emotions researcher,

對情感研究員來說，這是個很棒的問題

who typically, emotions researchers, we study one person's own experience of their own emotion.

尤其身為情感研究者，我們研究個人情緒的經驗

This one jumps the gap between people to actually influence the thoughts and feelings of the other person on a pretty regular basis;

這個越過了人們間的間隔，確實且規律地影響另一個人的想法和感覺

that's a pretty robust effect that we found.

那是個我們找到蠻有力的影響

So, thanks for the generous funding from the John Templeton Foundation and the Greater Good Science Center,

因此，感謝約翰坦伯頓基金會和幸福科學中心的慷慨贊助

I've actually been working for a couple of years now, trying to figure out how this might work,

我其實已經在這方面工作了好幾年，試著理解這是怎麼運作的

and we've been using expressions of gratitude between romantic partners to test a few different effects.

而我們已經在情侶間以表達感激的方式，來測試幾個不同的效果

Here you can see. This is about a third of my team on this research project over the past couple of years as well as my co-investigators.

這裡你可以看到，這是大概過去幾年我這個研究計畫團隊三分之一的人，還有我的共同調查員；

One of the questions that we're testing is "What makes an expression of gratitude so impactful?"

我們測試的其中一個問題是：「什麼讓感激的表達方式這麼有影響力？」

So, we're hoping that if we can start to figure out the mechanisms,

我們希望當我們開始理解這個機制

then we can actually start to bring gratitude into people's everyday lives a little bit more gracefully,

我們就可以開始給人們每天的生活帶來一點感恩，變得更美好一點

and then we're testing the extent of the effects on each member of the dyad.

我們對伴侶雙方都測試

So, what does the person do when they hear an expression of gratitude?

影響的範圍。當一個人聽到感激的話語會做什麼呢？

How does it make them change their own behavior (your original benefactor),

這怎麼讓他們的行為 (原本的行為模式) 改變？

what are the downstream consequences for both people, including physiological effects,

對伴侶雙方會帶來什麼影響？包括生理上的

like oxytocin and changes in blood pressure? So, as of about two hours ago, our 245th couple walked through the doors of my lab for this study--

例如催產素及血壓的改變。大約 2 小時前，我們的第 245 對情侶走過我針對這個研究實驗室的門；

that's almost 500 people who have expressed gratitude to their partner, given us saliva samples, given us urine samples,

這樣大概是500個人向他的伴侶表達感激，然後給我們口水和尿液檢體

and basically provided about a metric ton of additional data.

基本上提供了一公噸那麼多的額外資訊

Um, I'm really excited--

我真的很興奮 ——

we're wrapping up data collection in a couple of months, and we'll be doing analysis,

我們再一兩個月就會完成資料收集，然後就開始分析

and I'm really looking forward to being able to tell you a lot about what makes gratitude expressions so impactful,

我非常期待能夠告訴大家更多關於感激的話語為什麼這麼有影響力

and what are the possible downstream consequences.

還有可能的後果的資訊

But in the meantime, what I've told you is that I have spent many, many, many years studying,

同時，我也告訴過你們，我花了很多年

very closely studying the dynamics of everyday interactions of people who care about each other a lot.

很貼近地研究人們與自己在乎人的每天活躍地交流情形

Specifically, however (and this is relevant to the last set of talks),

特別是，而且這跟最後一部份的談話主題有關

I've been studying people who are in happy relationships, who are in good relationships.

我一直都在研究談快樂、健康戀愛的情侶

So what we've learned, we've learned a lot about how gratitude naturally works, but I'm not a therapist.

我們學到的是，我們知道很多關於感激如何自然地運作的事，但我不是個治療師

We have not studied gratitude in distressed relationships, we have not studied gratitude in relationships where one person is abused.

我們沒有做低落關係中的感激的研究、我們沒有做受虐關係中的感激的研究

To my knowledge, nobody has. Those data don't exist, so please,

我所知道的是，還沒有人做過這種研究。那些研究資料還不存在，所以

people, go out and do that research. Until we have data to speak to people who have rocky relationships,

拜託大家，走出門做那些實驗吧！直到我們有研究資料能跟艱困感情關係中的人談談之前

I would strongly suggest: don't necessarily take my 'do it yourself' advice about relationships,

我會建議：不一定要採用「靠自己」的感情建議，

that's a different set of concerns, but don't tune me out,

那是另一層顧慮，但先不要叫我住嘴，因為我接下來要告訴大家

because what I'm about to tell you about what we know from good romantic relationships probably also applies to your other good relationships as well.

我們從良好的戀愛關係中學到的事，大概也可以應用在

Now, if you want to get more out of gratitude in your everyday life, and this is--

你其他的正面關係上。如果你希望每天日常生活中能有更多值得感激的事；

these are things that I would tell my friends that the evidence says most strongly--

接下來這些事是我會告訴我的朋友們的，而且證據會說話 ——

if you want to get more gratitude in your life, you want to start by having more gratitude.

如果你希望每天日常生活中能有更多值得感激的事，你要開始常心存感激

Now, it's a little finicky. In our previous studies, again, we didn't get the partner to go and do amazing things for their partner.

這有點麻煩；同理來說，從我們之前的研究中，我們沒有要求受試者替他的另一伴做多美好的事

We didn't get them to give foot rubs and send roses or anything like that.

我們沒有要求受試者幫他的另一半做腳底按摩還有送玫瑰花之類的

What I showed you were data about gratitude for the everyday little things.

我給大家看得研究資料是關於日常生活中的小細節

Now, if you think about your romantic relationships, or even your best friendships,

現在，如果你想到你的戀情，或是你最親近的友情

you fell in love for a reason

你都因為特定理由愛上對方

with this person and if you're sharing life together in some capacity,

然後如果你們某種程度上一起生活

then they're certainly doing lots of things for you already.

那他們一定已經為你做了一堆事情了

But we know, from the psychology, that stress actually is a barrier to looking past ourselves.

但從心理學上，我們知道，那種壓力其實是讓我們忘記自己的障礙

So, our lives are busy and stressful and sometimes, we also get into habits with people. Sometimes, we start to take people for granted.

因此，我們生活在忙碌和壓力中，而且我們也已經習慣他人的存在;有時候，我們開始把別人視為理所當然。

So, the very first thing that I would say is get out of your head, and start to just remember the things that your partner does for you.

所以我要說的第一件事就是，拋開舊有的想法，開始好好記住你的另一半替你做的事

Now, I'm not promising that you'll actually feel grateful for it,

我不能保證你真的會實際上覺得很感激

but it increases the likelihood. If you notice it, it increases the likelihood that you will actually feel gratitude.

但這會增加正向的好感度，如果你留意的話，你實際上真的會覺得感謝

And then, all of our research suggests-- my research as well as I am summarizing from across the field--

我們所做的研究都建議，我做的還有其他這個領域的研究

suggests that people who feel grateful want to make sure that the person knows how great they are,

當人們覺得感激時，他們會想確定對方知道他們有多感激

so it naturally moves us to demonstrate this. The data support this as well,

所以這自然而然地讓我們去表達出來，研究資料也這樣證實，

so we have people who feel gratitude and express it, are more committed to their relationships,

對關係覺得感激也表達出感謝之意的人較能投入在感情裡，

they feel better about them, even better than people who feel gratitude and don't express it.

也會對自我感覺良好，比那些覺得感激但沒有表達出來的人更好

So, for the person who feels it,

所以，對於感受到感激的人來說

it might help your relationship to express it, but also, for the person-- this is the natural bridge-- for the person, who actually did the kind thing, for your romantic partner,

這也幫你的關係變得感恩，這是自然的橋樑，但同時對對我們好的那個人，我們的伴侶來說

tell them! Let them know that they're appreciated.

就告訴他們吧！讓他們知道他們被感謝

We have data from a different study where we asked couples every day to report every single day for fourteen days,

我們有不同研究的資料，其中我們要求伴侶們，從第 1 天到第 14 天每天回報

and again we found when people said that their partner thanked them that day for something they did,

同樣地，我們發現，回報他們的伴侶當天為了他們做的事而謝謝他們的人

they said they felt better about the relationship even than they had the day before.

說他們對這段關係感覺更好，甚至比前一天的感覺更好

So here, I would again, you have barriers in your everyday life to expressing gratitude.

所以在此，我要再說一次，你的日常生活中會有阻礙，讓你難以表達你的感謝

You might feel distracted by work or kids.

你會覺得因為工作和小孩分心

People in long term relationships may actually think that their partner actually just knows how they feel, do they?

在長時間關係中的人可能會認為他們的另一伴當然知道他們的想法，但是真的嗎？

People who are in new relationships may feel vulnerable telling the person how much it meant to them, that they did this kind action,

展開新關係、戀情的人可能會覺得告訴對方他們所做的貼心行為是種示弱表現

but our data show that you have very little to lose

但我們的研究資料顯示，如果你照著一個非常簡單的規則，你失去的東西其實很少，

and a lot to gain by following a really simple rule:

相反的，藉著一條簡單規則，你會得到更多：

If you really feel it, just don't forget to show it.

如果你感覺到了什麼，不要忘了表達出來

Here's my last point, that's very important in all of this: be genuine. And this is kind of should be obvious,

我想說的最後一點非常重要，這一切的重點就是，要真心誠意，這其實很明顯

but in people's rush to kind of apply to practice, it may not be.

但現在人們都急著付諸實踐，所以實情或許並不如此

Your partner knows you pretty well, and they were there when they did the thing for you.

你的伴侶很了解你，而且當他們替你做了某些事時，他們在你身邊

So, if they I don't know, try to make you an amazing dinner but botched it,

所以，當他們，我不知道；比如試著為你煮一頓美好的晚餐但卻失敗了

you don't have to tell them that they're an amazing chef, but do genuinely tell them what you appreciate about them, about their actions.

你不用告訴他們，他們是個超棒的大廚，但要告訴他們你真的很感謝他們所做的事

So maybe, you liked that they remembered what your favorite dish was,

又或許，你喜歡他們記得你喜歡的是哪一道菜

and that they went out of their way to make your night special. Whatever's true for you,

還有他們盡全力給你特別的一晚。不論你真正感受到的是什麼

and I know this from a study where we brought couples into the lab and we had them,

而且我從一個研究得知；我們帶伴侶們進實驗室

in front of our video cameras. They said thanks to their partners for things--

要他們在錄影機前謝謝他們的另一半一些事

what we found was no matter how big or small the gesture, the leading indicator of how satisfied the partner was with the relationships six months later,

我們發現，不論多小的動作，6 個月後伴侶對感情滿意度的主導指標

was how much the grateful person made them feel understood, valued, and cared for in the actions that they took for the grateful person--

就在於他們多感謝另一伴為他們採取的行動，讓他們覺得被懂得、被重視、被照顧，

on the grateful person's behalf. So, what I would say to you is 'just be true.'

代表被感謝的人。所以我要告訴你的是：要真心

Look at your partner in the eye, and just tell her exactly what it was that you appreciated about her actions.

看著你的另一伴的眼睛，儘管告訴她你感謝她所做的事

So I hope that I've started to demonstrate that gratitude between two people in everyday life is a bit finicky and that's ok,

所以我希望我已經告訴你們，兩人之間日常生活的感謝是有點難處處到位，但沒關係

because gratitude actually runs on the wavelength of being a genuine signal of care and concern between the two people.

因為感謝是兩人之間的在乎及關心是持續進行的真實表徵

So, I wouldn't force it. However, our relationship partners are people who can look out for our best interests,

我不會強迫大家，然而，我們感情中的另一伴是那個會把我們照顧好

help us accomplish our goals, and help to support us when things aren't going well.

幫助我們達成目標，還有在困境中支持我們的人

More than just helping us to get through our everyday lives, our romantic partners can help us thrive.

不僅是幫我們渡過每天的日常生活，我們的另一半能幫助我們茁壯

So, it makes sense to consider noticing what they do, for you.

所以考慮留意他們為你做的事還蠻合理的

When you feel it, don't forget to show it and say it like you mean it.

當你感受到了，不要忘記表達出來，而且說出你真的這麼覺得

Thank you.

謝謝