Name: 完美談話的藝術 (the art of having perfect conversation)
Uploaded: 2025-05-22T15:52:29.000Z
Duration: 19 min 24 s

I recently attended a small gathering, and honestly, I felt so bored and understimulated.

最近，我參加了一個小型聚會，說實話，我感到非常無聊，也缺乏刺激。

過去進行式

I knew everyone there pretty well, but the conversations just weren't flowing, no one was asking follow-up questions, and the topics felt very one-dimensional.

我和那裡的每個人都很熟，但談話並不流暢，沒有人提出後續問題，話題感覺非常單一。

過去簡單式

We all want to leave a social setting feeling good, and on that day, I did not.

我們都希望離開社交場合時感覺良好，而那天，我卻沒有。

Instead, I left frustrated, thinking, why is everyone so boring?

相反，我離開時很沮喪，心想：為什麼每個人都這麼無聊？

And the next few days, I couldn't stop thinking about it.

接下來的幾天，我一直在想這件事。

I replayed some of the conversations in my head, pondering questions like what would've made it more enjoyable, and were the others having a good time, and of course, the dreaded question, was I the boring one?

我在腦海中回放了一些對話，思考著一些問題，比如怎樣才能讓對話更愉快，其他人玩得開心嗎，當然還有一個可怕的問題，我是那個無聊的人嗎？

And all this made me wonder, what actually makes a conversation good, and what makes a bad one?

這一切讓我不禁要問：究竟是什麼讓對話變得精彩，又是什麼讓對話變得糟糕？

And so, I started thinking about some of the recent positive experiences I've had to use as a case study.

於是，我開始思考最近的一些積極經歷，並將其作為案例進行研究。

Here's some background to the scenario I picked.

下面介紹一下我所選場景的背景。

By the way, can you imagine being this guy and seeing this video of me writing an entire video essay about what made our conversation so enjoyable?

順便說一下，你能想象自己是這個人，看到這段視頻，我寫了整整一篇視頻散文，講述我們的談話為何如此愉快嗎？

This is why I could never date a YouTuber.

這就是為什麼我永遠無法和優酷用戶約會的原因。

Of course, this video is not about that date or that person in particular, we're just going to use that scenario to try and generate some more in-depth understanding of the complex art of having good conversations.

當然，這段視頻並不是專門針對那次約會或那個人的，我們只是想通過這個場景，讓大家更深入地瞭解進行良好對話的複雜藝術。

The general admissions gate is the basic criteria we subconsciously set before we even consider having a conversation with someone.

一般准入門檻是我們在考慮與人交談之前下意識設定的基本標準。

Of course, there can be countless reasons for why we might not want to engage with someone, everything from their appearance to their behavior or even just our mood in that moment.

當然，我們可能有無數的理由不想與某人接觸，從他的外表到行為，甚至只是我們當時的心情。

Now, obviously, date number six, so he had passed the admissions gate already.

很明顯，現在是第六次約會，所以他已經通過了入學關。

We will call it level one, which is, there is some level of interest in that other person.

我們稱之為第一級，即對對方有一定程度的興趣。

And this interest could be anything, really.

這種興趣可以是任何東西，真的。

It could be your neighbor telling you about their recent trip to Sydney, a place that you've always wanted to visit.

可能是你的鄰居告訴你他們最近去雪梨的旅行，那是你一直想去的地方。

Or it could be a colleague you bond with over shared love for tacos.

也可能是你因共同喜愛墨西哥捲餅而結緣的同事。

Or it could simply be just someone having a really great sense of style.

也可能只是某個人的時尚感很強。

As for my date, level one was reached the moment we swiped right on each other and started messaging, because it signals that there is something there that I'm curious about or intrigued by.

至於我的約會，在我們互相向右滑動並開始發送信息的那一刻，就達到了第一級，因為這預示著我們之間有我好奇或感興趣的東西。

Now, the reason I mention this is because, oftentimes, we tend to enjoy a conversation more if we already have some sort of established interest in that person.

現在，我之所以提到這一點，是因為很多時候，如果我們已經對這個人有了某種既定的興趣，我們往往會更享受談話。

Whether we are romantically interested in them, or we find them entertaining, or just intellectually stimulating, our reason for having level one interest in someone can vary greatly.

無論我們是對他們有浪漫的興趣，還是覺得他們很有趣，抑或只是智力上的刺激，我們對某人產生一級興趣的原因可能千差萬別。

But if you, on the other hand, find no interest in that person at all, regardless of reason, you're not likely to find a conversation with them interesting either.

但反過來說，如果你對這個人一點興趣都沒有，不管是出於什麼原因，你也不可能覺得和他談話有意思。

Now that you and this person, or in my case, me and this guy, are on a level one basis, let's break down the conversation itself, but from the very beginning, because it actually starts before the conversation itself.

現在，你和這個人，或者就我而言，我和這個人，都是一級關係了，讓我們來分析一下對話本身，但要從頭開始，因為它實際上在對話本身之前就已經開始了。

Let's picture two different scenarios with this guy, who we'll just call Guy from here on.

讓我們想象一下這個人的兩種不同情況，我們以後就叫他蓋伊。

Guy and I enter this lunch place and sit at our table.

我和蓋伊走進這家午餐店，坐在我們的餐桌旁。

Guy keeps his coat on, he puts his phone on the table, and he orders a small side dish because he said he's already full.

蓋伊沒脫外套，把手機放在桌上，點了一份小配菜，因為他說他已經吃飽了。

Guy and I enter this lunch place, he goes to hang up his coat before we take a seat, he leaves his phone out of sight, and he orders a proper meal.

我和蓋伊走進這家午餐店，他先去掛外套，然後我們才坐下，他把手機放在看不見的地方，然後他點了一份正餐。

Now, some people may not even take note of any of these things, but I think most people do, and sometimes subconsciously.

現在，有些人可能根本不會注意到這些事情，但我認為大多數人都會注意到，有時甚至是下意識地注意到。

是以，第一種情況的信號是這樣的。

I'm not making myself comfortable, I'm not feeling relaxed, I'm open to being distracted, and I don't plan on staying for that long.

我沒有讓自己感到舒適，我沒有感到放鬆，我很容易分心，我也不打算待那麼久。

I knew we were having lunch, but I disregarded that and ate before coming here anyway.

我知道我們在吃午飯，但我不管那麼多了，還是先吃了飯再過來。

I plan on being present, with no distractions from my phone, and since we agreed on lunch, that's what we're doing.

我打算全身心投入，不讓手機分心，既然我們說好了共進午餐，那就這麼辦吧。

Feeling relaxed, comfortable and at ease is usually a prerequisite for potentially having a good time and an enjoyable conversation.

感覺放鬆、舒適和自在通常是享受美好時光和愉快談話的先決條件。

We want to feel like the other person wants to be there, and we're constantly, subconsciously and otherwise, picking up cues that signal these things to us.

我們希望感覺到對方願意與我們在一起，而且我們會不斷地、下意識地或以其他方式捕捉到向我們發出這些信號的線索。

Alright, you're both seated now, you and whoever in this scenario is Guy and I, and before discussing the conversation itself, let's take a look at the initial body language, and let's do the scenarios again.

好了，你們倆現在都坐好了，這個場景中的你和誰就是蓋伊和我，在討論對話本身之前，我們先來看看最初的肢體語言，再做一次情景模擬。

Guy maintains the appropriate amount of eye contact as we're beginning to converse, which is said to be 50% of the time while you're speaking, 70% of the time while you're listening.

當我們開始交談時，蓋伊會保持適當的眼神交流，據說在你說話的時候，眼神交流佔 50%，而在你傾聽的時候，眼神交流佔 70%。

He also has an open posture, slightly leaning in towards me, subtly stroking my arm when and then observing how I respond.

他的姿勢也很開放，微微向我靠攏，巧妙地撫摸我的手臂，然後觀察我的反應。

His facial expressions reflect the topic and mood of the conversation.

他的面部表情反映了談話的主題和氣氛。

He smiles as I tell him something that excites me.

當我告訴他一些令我興奮的事情時，他笑了。

He looks concerned when I tell him something heavy.

當我告訴他一些沉重的事情時，他看起來很擔心。

Guy leans back, arms crossed, scanning the room, hardly looking at me as he speaks, or as I speak.

蓋伊靠在椅背上，雙臂交叉，掃視著整個房間，在他說話或我說話時幾乎不看我。

His face is expressionless, not changing as I tell him something exciting, nor when I tell him something heavy.

他面無表情，不會因為我告訴他一些令人興奮的事情而改變，也不會因為我告訴他一些沉重的事情而改變。

我感覺很放鬆，很高興來到這裡。

I'm not really into you or this conversation.

我對你和這次談話都不感興趣。

Now, let's talk about the conversation itself, starting with active listening.

現在，讓我們從積極傾聽開始，談談對話本身。

Besides body language, what did Guy do that made me feel like he was really listening?

除了肢體語言，蓋伊做了什麼讓我覺得他真的在傾聽？

He wasn't bursting to chime in with his own view or opinion or personal anecdote.

他並沒有急於發表自己的觀點、看法或個人軼事。

I felt like I had space to elaborate my view and to think before I spoke. 2.

我覺得自己有空間闡述自己的觀點，並在發言前進行思考。2.

He responded with relevant follow-up questions or statements.

他回答了相關的後續問題或發言。

Let's say that I told Guy, this apple would be so good with some Himalayan salt.

比方說，我告訴蓋伊，這個蘋果加點喜馬拉雅鹽會非常好吃。

My mom would always add it to our fruit bowls growing up, but my sister never liked it.

在我的成長過程中，媽媽總是會在我們的水果碗里加入它，但我姐姐從來不喜歡。

Here's an example of a good follow-up question that Guy could ask.

以下是蓋伊可以提出的一個很好的後續問題示例。

Do you still add Himalayan salt to your apples like your mom used to do?

你還會像你媽媽以前那樣在蘋果里加喜馬拉雅鹽嗎？

And what else did you and your sister grow up disagreeing on?

你和你姐姐從小到大還有什麼分歧？

Here's an example of a relevant follow-up statement.

下面是一個相關後續聲明的例子。

A good conversation does not only consist of back and forth questions, it also consists of statements.

好的對話不僅包括來回提問，還包括陳述。

Perhaps he could have said something like, my mom also used to make us fruit bowls, pears instead of apples though, and you know those pyramids that you can get at X market?

也許他可以這樣說：我媽媽也經常給我們做水果碗，不過做的是梨而不是蘋果，你知道在 X 市場能買到的那種金字塔嗎？

They've become sort of nostalgic for me now.

現在，它們已經成了我的懷舊品。

Here's an example of something Guy could have said that would be neither a question nor really a statement, but rather just some words that tell me he's not really listening or he's disinterested.

這裡有一個蓋伊可以說的話的例子，既不是一個問題，也不是一個真正的陳述，而只是一些告訴我他沒有認真聽或者他不感興趣的話。

Now, a conversation is not even all about just follow-up questions and statements.

現在，對話甚至不僅僅是追問和陳述。

Sometimes, it's about acknowledging and validating the other person, both verbally and via body language.

有時，這需要通過語言和肢體語言來認可和肯定對方。

For example, let's say someone says, my trip to Australia is only 5 days away.

例如，假設有人說，我的澳洲之行只剩 5 天了。

If relevant, you could enthusiastically say something like, I can tell that really excites you.

如果相關，你可以熱情地說："我看得出來，這真的讓你很興奮。

It's not a question, it's simply acknowledging their emotions.

這不是一個問題，這只是承認他們的情緒。

Or, if they share something heavy, like, it was hard losing a friend like that, saying something like, it seems like this change has been really heavy on you, or something.

或者，如果他們分享了一些沉重的事情，比如，失去一個這樣的朋友很難受，那就說 "看起來這種變化對你來說真的很沉重 "之類的話。

It makes the other person feel seen and supported.

這讓對方感到自己被看見，並得到支持。

Number two, the conversation remains within your frame of comfort.

第二，談話要在你感到舒適的範圍內進行。

Your frame of comfort will look different depending on the situation, who you're having a conversation with.

在不同的場合，與不同的人交談，你的舒適感也會有所不同。

It's just a fancy way of saying, what I feel comfortable talking about depends on who I'm talking to.

這只是一種花哨的說法，我覺得談什麼合適，取決於我在和誰談。

And I find that some of the best conversations are when you both are able to pick up on it without really verbally expressing it.

我發現，有些最棒的對話是，你們都能在沒有口頭表達的情況下捕捉到它。