This sounds absurd, but it's actually very common in East Asia and core to its culture.

這聽起來很荒謬，但實際上在東亞非常普遍，也是東亞文化的核心。

First, East Asians have a pretty extreme aversion to saying no.

首先，東亞人非常討厭說 "不"。

Just look at articles like Wordiz listing 16 ways to say no in Japanese without actually ever saying the word.

看看 Wordiz 這樣的文章就知道了，它列出了 16 種用日語說 "不 "的方法，但實際上卻不用說這個詞。

There are also some long-standing cultural factors in East Asia that make saying yes an accepted way to mean no.

東亞還有一些長期存在的文化因素，使得說 "是 "成為一種被接受的表示 "不 "的方式。

In fact, the rabbit hole goes much deeper than just yes meaning no, so stick until the end if you want to see how far this contradiction goes.

事實上，這個兔子洞遠不止 "是 "意味著 "否 "這麼簡單，如果你想知道這個矛盾到底有多深，請堅持到最後。

But I know claiming yes equals no sounds crazy, so let's start with some examples, some of which you might actually be familiar with.

但我知道，聲稱 "是 "等於 "否 "聽起來很瘋狂，所以讓我們先舉幾個例子，其中有些例子你可能真的很熟悉。

Some popular methods as proposed by Yamae are saying no by saying yes.

Yamae 提出的一些常用方法是通過說 "是 "來拒絕。

For example,

例如

Hey, are you coming clubbing tomorrow?

嘿，你明天來俱樂部嗎？

Yeah, I do need to take care of my frog though.

是啊，不過我還得照顧我的青蛙。

He's traveling the world right now and I just need to be at home for when he comes back.

他現在正在環遊世界，我只需要在家等他回來。

Oh, okay.

哦，好吧

See, you didn't say no.

看，你沒有拒絕

In fact, you said yes, but really you mean no.

事實上，你說 "是"，其實是說 "不"。

Okay, if that's too much,

好吧，如果這太過分了、

Yamae says you can also imply no by being really vague or by changing the subject of the question.

Yamae 說，你也可以通過含糊其辭或轉移問題主題來暗示 "不"。

Hey, clubbing tomorrow?

嘿，明天去俱樂部嗎？

Dude, do you ever think about why people go to the clubs though?

老兄，你想過人們為什麼要去俱樂部嗎？

Like before dating apps, it feels like people went to the clubs to find a date, but now it just feels like people go there to disassociate.

就像在約會軟件出現之前，人們去俱樂部是為了找對象，但現在人們去俱樂部只是為了脫離群眾。

Okay?

好嗎？

Or look, you don't even have to entertain them with a response.

或者你看，你甚至都不需要回應他們。

You can just evade.

你可以迴避。

Hey, clubbing?

嘿，去夜總會？

Ah!

啊！

Got it.

知道了

I knew I heard something just then.

我知道我剛才聽到了什麼。

All right, at this point, I know someone is thinking, just tell them if you don't want to go.

好了，說到這裡，我知道有人在想，如果你不想去，就告訴他們吧。

Well, if only things could be that easy.

要是事情能這麼簡單就好了。

But that's the whole point of this video.

但這正是這段視頻的意義所在。

We're going to look at why saying no is so hard in East Asia, what kind of strategies have evolved given this culture, and how you might be able to tell next time if someone really means the yes they gave you or if they're just saying it.

我們將探討為什麼在東亞說 "不 "如此困難，在這種文化背景下演變出了什麼樣的策略，以及下一次你如何分辨對方是真心答應你，還是說說而已。

To start, we have to break down this phenomenon of avoiding no, and it really comes down to two things.

首先，我們必須打破這種迴避 "不 "的現象，這其實可以歸結為兩點。

Let's talk about the art of politeness and the importance of face.

讓我們來談談禮貌的藝術和麵子的重要性。

Why is saying no so hard?

為什麼說 "不 "這麼難？

Aside from some of us being innate people pleasers, saying no is hard because this response usually contradicts with the expectations of the asker.

除了有些人天生喜歡討好別人之外，說 "不 "也很難，因為這種回答通常與請求者的期望相矛盾。

No one is ever going to ask for something expecting to be turned down, so they've come to you, and now you have to let them down.

沒有人會希望自己的要求被拒絕，所以他們來找你，現在你必須讓他們失望。

Even if you have a valid reason, saying no can still suck.

即使你有正當的理由，說 "不 "仍然會很糟糕。

How much it sucks though is dependent on a lot of factors, like how close you are with them, what sort of relationship you have, what kind of person they are, the size of the imposition, whether you're turning down a big ask or a small thing, and some other factors that probably have more weight in East Asia, like their rank, are they your senior, are they older than you, and if you are in a position to say no, taking into consideration social hierarchies, expectations, and possible consequences depending on the context.

不過，到底有多糟取決於很多因素，比如你和對方的關係有多近、你們之間是什麼樣的關係、對方是什麼樣的人、強加給你的壓力有多大、你拒絕的是一個大要求還是一件小事，以及其他一些在東亞可能更重要的因素，比如對方的級別、對方是你的長輩嗎、對方比你年長嗎、你是否有資格說 "不"，同時還要考慮到社會等級制度、人們的期望以及在不同情況下可能產生的後果。

We'll talk more about these cultural factors later, because this has evolved a lot of the strategies in saying no.

我們稍後會更多地討論這些文化因素，因為這已經演變出了很多說 "不 "的策略。

But I want to walk us through what happens when we turn someone down.

但我想告訴大家，當我們拒絕別人時會發生什麼。

Because saying no is an act of refusal, it's also known as a face-threatening act.

因為說 "不 "是一種拒絕行為，也被稱為 "威脅面子 "的行為。

You don't want to make someone lose face, or make them feel embarrassed or hurt when you reject an invitation to hang, or reply that you can't help them out with what they're asking.

你不想讓別人丟面子，也不想讓他們在你拒絕他們的邀請或回答他們的問題時感到尷尬或受傷。

Because of this, we have to be more considerate in how we deliver our refusals.

是以，我們在拒絕時必須考慮得更加周到。

This consideration really is just being polite.

這種考慮真的只是出於禮貌。

In fact, Brown and Levinson defined politeness as a complex system for softening face-threatening acts.

事實上，布朗和萊文森將禮貌定義為軟化面子威脅行為的複雜系統。

Politeness can range from a simple and direct no thank you, to all those examples we had at the beginning, where no wasn't even mentioned in the response.

禮貌的範圍可以很廣，從簡單直接的 "不，謝謝"，到我們開頭提到的那些在回答中根本沒有提到 "不 "的例子。

In these latter cases, it's a very deliberate way to preserve face for the other person, and it's also very indirect.

在後一種情況下，這是一種非常刻意的為對方保留面子的方式，也是一種非常間接的方式。

These elaborate soft rejections are intricately designed to reflect the other person's age, rank, and seniority, all of which would impact the level of politeness deemed appropriate in East Asian interactions.

這些精心設計的軟性拒絕，巧妙地反映了對方的年齡、等級和資歷，所有這些都會影響東亞人交往中被認為適當的禮貌程度。

This link is highlighted by Cyril as he says,

西里爾強調了這一聯繫，他說

Politeness is the chief motivation for indirectness.

禮貌是間接性的主要動機。

East Asian societies are also quite hierarchical, and they place a strong emphasis on maintaining group harmony.

東亞社會的等級制度也相當森嚴，他們非常重視維護群體和諧。

Given this context, if you've decided to say no, this decision already kind of upsets the group harmony.

在這種情況下，如果你決定說 "不"，這個決定就已經破壞了集體的和諧。

So it's really on you now to express the sentiment in a non-threatening, even flattering way, depending on how senior the other person might be.

是以，現在真正要做的是，根據對方的資歷，以不具威脅性，甚至是諂媚的方式表達自己的情感。

Really, you just want to make sure the other person doesn't lose face.

真的，你只是想確保對方不丟面子。

In politeness theory, face can be positive and negative, and this is relevant in any social situation.

在禮貌理論中，面子可以是正面的，也可以是負面的，這一點在任何社交場合都適用。

Positive face is our desire to be appreciated, validated, and liked.

積極的面孔是我們渴望得到讚賞、肯定和喜歡。

It's tied to our self-esteem.

這與我們的自尊心息息相關。

If you wanted to appeal to this whilst asking for a favor, you could say,

如果你想在請求別人幫忙時利用這一點，你可以這樣說、

Could you help me with an assignment, please?

你能幫我完成一項任務嗎？

You're the smartest in our class, and you know the most on this topic.

你是我們班最聰明的，也最瞭解這個話題。

Flattery does wonders in appealing to positive face.

拍馬屁在吸引正面形象方面有奇效。

Then you have negative face, which concerns our freedom to do what we want.

然後是 "消極面"，它涉及我們為所欲為的自由。

In order to be considerate of this, when you ask someone for a favor, you could slip in words to make the request seem less of a burden.

為了考慮到這一點，當你請求別人幫忙時，你可以說一些話，讓請求看起來不那麼沉重。

Like,

就像

Hey, can I ask you a little question?

嘿，我能問你一個小問題嗎？

Or show that you're being mindful of their time by saying,

或者用一句話來表達你對他們時間的重視、

I'm sorry to bother, but blah blah blah.

我很抱歉打擾你們，但是等等等等。

In rejecting someone, we can keep in mind the same two basic ones.

在拒絕他人時，我們可以牢記同樣的兩個基本原則。

You can appeal to positive face by turning down an event saying,

您可以通過拒絕某項活動來吸引積極的面孔、

That sounds like it would be a great time.

這聽起來會是一段美好的時光。

However, I can't make it.

不過，我去不了了。

You can also speak to negative face referring to yourself.

您也可以針對自己的負面形象說話。

I would lend you money, but I'm in a bind too, so I can't help you.

我想借錢給你，但我也很困難，所以幫不了你。

The next reason for why yes means no has to do with power.

為什麼 "是 "意味著 "否 "的下一個原因與權力有關。

We mentioned East Asia having a more hierarchical structure in society.

我們提到，東亞的社會等級結構更分明。

So these are cultures which we would say have a high power distance.

是以，我們可以說這些文化具有很高的權力距離。

Power distance refers to how accepted it is that there will be an unequal distribution of power.

權力距離是指人們對權力分配不均的接受程度。

In East Asia, people accept this difference in power as a result of seniority or age, and they will be quite conscious of behaving according to where they are in the hierarchy.

在東亞，人們接受這種因資歷或年齡而產生的權力差異，他們會很自覺地按照自己在等級制度中的位置行事。

In Japanese, the social norms you would follow in order to be properly polite is called wakimae.

在日語中，為了表現出應有的禮貌而遵守的社會規範被稱為 "wakimae"。

Following wakimae influences how you would speak to someone, which would then naturally include how you refuse someone.

若前會影響你與人交談的方式，自然也會影響你拒絕別人的方式。

And we can imagine saying no to someone who's higher up in the hierarchy would be harder than saying no to your sibling or friends.

我們可以想象，對更高層次的人說 "不 "比對你的兄弟姐妹或朋友說 "不 "更難。

Maciejewski did a study on this as he asked Japanese respondents who they struggled with saying no to the most, and the most common answer was their boss.

Maciejewski 對此做了一項研究，他詢問日本受訪者，他們最難以拒絕的人是誰，最常見的答案是他們的老闆。

In fact, the two respondents who didn't answer with their boss hadn't yet entered the workforce, and they instead said refusing their upperclassmen was the hardest.

事實上，沒有和上司一起回答的兩名受訪者還沒有參加工作，他們反而說拒絕上司是最難的。

One respondent elaborates on this situation.

一位答覆者詳細闡述了這種情況。

In a Japanese company, for example, you have to obey your boss.

例如，在日本公司，你必須服從你的老闆。

We have this kind of culture.

我們有這樣的文化。

If I refuse an invitation, I will feel anxiety.

如果我拒絕邀請，我就會感到焦慮。

I'm afraid they might not invite me again.

我擔心他們不會再邀請我了。

And this anxiety of the consequences from saying no could explain why most Japanese respondents refuse their boss with a response like this.

這種對拒絕的後果的焦慮可以解釋為什麼大多數日本受訪者會用這樣的回答來拒絕上司。

I'm terribly sorry, but I've made another plan for that day a long time ago.

我非常抱歉，但我很早以前就為那天做了另一個計劃。

So I'm very sorry, but I'll have to say no to your wonderful invite.

所以非常抱歉，我不得不拒絕你的盛情邀請。

Compare this to how American respondents would refuse their boss, appealing again to that positive face and beginning with that would be wonderful, before expressing their regret of not being able to make it.

對比一下美國受訪者是如何拒絕他們的老闆的，他們再次訴諸於那張積極的面孔，以 "那真是太好了 "開頭，然後再表達他們無法做到的遺憾。

The work culture in Japan with its strong hierarchies, power distance, and emphasis on group harmony could have led to Japanese respondents being more apologetic in turning down their boss, whilst weaker workplace hierarchies and a more equal distribution of power in the West may have allowed American speakers to open more positively and even talk more informally in turning down the same invite.

日本的工作文化具有等級森嚴、權力距離和強調團體和諧的特點，這可能會導致日本受訪者在拒絕上司時更多地表現出歉意，而西方較弱的工作場所等級制度和更平等的權力分配可能會讓美國受訪者在拒絕同樣的邀請時表現得更積極，甚至說話更隨意。

Soft rejection therefore becomes a life skill in East Asia.

是以，軟性拒絕在東亞成為一種生活技能。

So because of East Asian countries valuing face, prioritizing group harmony, and in having a considerable power distance, you get an environment where yes becomes no and a whole bunch of other refusal strategies to boot.

是以，由於東亞國家重視面子，把群體和諧放在首位，再加上存在相當大的權力距離，就會出現 "是 "變成 "否 "的環境，以及其他一大堆拒絕策略。

Here are the 16 ways we had to put forward saying no.

以下是我們不得不提出的 16 種說 "不 "的方式。

I won't go through all of them, but feel free to pause and take a look.

我就不一一介紹了，大家可以停下來看看。

Although I really think some of these would do more harm than good.

雖然我真的認為其中一些弊大於利。

Like if I ever asked someone to hang out and they pulled a number 7 and left the room,

比如說，如果我曾經約某人出去玩，而他們卻拿出 7 號牌，離開了房間、

I would quite literally never recover.

我真的再也無法復原了。

You can just bury me in the room you left me in.

你可以把我埋在你留下的那個房間裡。

East Asia has many cultural expectations of how one should act or respond that is fitting of their role within society and their relationship with others.

東亞在文化上有許多期望，要求一個人的行為或反應符合其在社會中的角色以及與他人的關係。

I go into the cultural context in more depth on my last video, but a major influence is Confucian philosophy, which emphasized virtues such as respect and outlined clear social hierarchies that are still relevant today.

我將在上一個視頻中更深入地介紹文化背景，但儒家哲學對我們產生了重要影響，它強調尊重等美德，並勾勒出清晰的社會等級，這些在今天依然適用。

With these cultural expectations then of how one should act in East Asia, fitting of their role, what happens when we have intentions that go against that?

有了這些關於一個人在東亞應該如何行事、適合其角色的文化期望，當我們的意圖與之背道而馳時，會發生什麼呢？

Saying yes when we want to say no is a pretty specific example of this conflict.

在我們想說 "不 "的時候說 "是"，就是這種衝突的一個非常具體的例子。

More generally, it's common for East Asians to say one thing and for it to not reflect what they're actually thinking at all.

更普遍的情況是，東亞人常說的一句話，完全不能反映他們的真實想法。

But that's not the only example of what you see not aligning with what you get.

但這並不是你所看到的與你所得到的不一致的唯一例子。

And this is actually a true story.

這其實是一個真實的故事。

I booked a hotel from a major traveling website and the night before I check in,

我在一家大型旅遊網站上預訂了一家酒店，入住的前一天晚上、

I get a message from the official app saying I need to confirm my credit card details with them or my booking will get cancelled.

我收到一條來自官方應用程序的資訊，說我需要向他們確認我的信用卡資訊，否則我的預訂將被取消。

So I follow the link to confirm my details.

於是，我按照鏈接確認了我的詳細信息。

But as I try to pay, my bank sends me a verification text which I actually wasn't able to receive because I was overseas and I had a different SIM card.

但當我試圖付款時，銀行給我發來了一條驗證簡訊，而實際上我並沒有收到這條簡訊，因為我當時在國外，而且我用的是另一張 SIM 卡。

The payment doesn't go through because I couldn't successfully verify and so through sheer dumb luck,

付款沒有通過，是因為我無法成功驗證，完全是運氣使然、

I avoid getting scammed.

我避免上當受騙。

But I wouldn't recommend this strategy.

但我不推薦這種策略。

What do I wish I did differently?

我希望自己有哪些不同的做法？

A, not panic, because that's how scammers get you.

A，不要驚慌，因為金光黨就是這樣騙你的。

And B, because that's easier said than done,

B，因為說起來容易做起來難、

I wish I had Guardio instored so I wouldn't be vulnerable to these situations designed to pressure and corner you into making bad decisions.

我真希望我裝了 Guardio，這樣我就不會在這些旨在施壓和逼迫你做出錯誤決定的情況下受到傷害。

Guardio comes in really clutch here.

瓜迪奧在這裡真的很關鍵。

It's a cross-platform security solution that acts as a first line of defense, constantly scanning for threats with every move you make and blocks anything malicious that comes your way.

它是一個跨平臺的安全解決方案，可以作為第一道防線，在你的一舉一動中不斷掃描威脅，並阻止任何惡意攻擊。

Guardio automatically scans and blocks bad links and emails and will alert you if anything in the email is fishy.

Guardio 會自動掃描和阻止不良鏈接和電子郵件，並在電子郵件中出現可疑內容時發出警報。

It blocks bad links, phishing attempts, and fake websites no matter the source of them.

它能阻止不良鏈接、網絡釣魚和假冒網站，無論其來源如何。

Guardio also blocks malware and dangerous downloads.

Guardio 還能阻止惡意軟件和危險下載。

With one account, you can have five family members on it so everyone is protected.

一個賬戶可以有五個家庭成員，是以每個人都能得到保護。

When our laptops and phones hold so much personal information of ours, it's important we keep it secure.

當我們的筆記本電腦和手機中保存著如此多的個人信息時，我們必須確保它們的安全。

And like the travel scam that I encountered, sometimes hackers are scary good and as vigilant as you may be, you can still make mistakes.

就像我遇到的旅行詐騙案一樣，有時黑客的技術也很可怕，儘管你很警惕，但還是有可能犯錯。

In my opinion, don't risk it because it's so stressful when you end up with a big financial loss.

我認為，不要冒這個險，因為當你最終遭受巨大經濟損失時，壓力會很大。

You can try out Guardio for a free seven-day trial and get 20% off their monthly subscription fee using my link at guard.io slash i-ni.

您可以使用我在 guard.io slash i-ni 上的鏈接免費試用 Guardio 七天，並享受月費八折優惠。

Thank you to Guardio for sponsoring this video and I genuinely hope none of you guys ever get scammed.

感謝 Guardio 贊助本視頻，我真心希望你們都不會被騙。

Excluding the scam of East Asians saying yes, yes, when they really mean no.

不包括東亞人說 "是"、"是"，其實是說 "不 "的騙局。

I feel that one is just inevitable.

我覺得那一個是不可避免的。

Like I said, it's common for East Asians to say one thing and really mean another and refusals are only the tip of the iceberg here.

正如我所說，東亞人說一套做一套是很常見的，拒絕只是冰山一角。

In Japanese, there are two words that perfectly delegate the divide between what we think and what we say and it captures how this might actually be in conflict.

在日語中，有兩個詞完美地代表了我們的想法和我們所說的話之間的鴻溝，它捕捉到了這兩者之間可能存在的實際衝突。

That is honne and tatemae.

這就是 honne 和 tatemae。

Honne describes our true feelings whereas tatemae is what we show in public.

Honne 描述的是我們的真實感受，而 tatemae 則是我們在公眾面前表現出來的。

You might not want to go to an event, that's honne but if you say you'll try your best to attend, that's tatemae.

你可能不想參加某項活動，那是你的榮幸，但如果你說你會盡力參加，那就是你的榮幸。

Or maybe you bump into someone that you haven't seen in a while and after some small talk, you both say we should totally hang out.

又或者，你偶遇了一個好久不見的人，閒聊幾句後，你們都說我們應該一起出去玩。

If this were two Asians talking, there's a 95% chance that they're not going to follow through on that.

如果是兩個亞洲人在談話，那麼他們有 95% 的可能不會繼續這樣做。

Being able to discern intent from what's actually being said is therefore really important in understanding East Asian culture.

是以，從實際話語中辨別意圖對於理解東亞文化非常重要。

Because East Asians prioritize face, the words that are being spoken out loud cater for the feelings of the other person rather than what one might actually think.

由於東亞人把面子放在第一位，是以大聲說出來的話會迎合對方的感受，而不是自己的真實想法。

Because of this discrepancy in what is said and what it's meant,

正因為這種言行不一的情況、

East Asian cultures are known as high context cultures.

東亞文化被稱為高語境文化。

This term was first introduced by Hall in 1976 in exploring how different cultures communicate.

這一術語由霍爾於 1976 年在探討不同文化如何交流時首次提出。

Hall describes high context cultures as one in which most of the info is either in the physical context or internalized in the person where very little is in the coded, explicit, transmitted part of the message.

霍爾將高語境文化描述為這樣一種文化，在這種文化中，大部分資訊要麼存在於物理語境中，要麼內化於人的內心，而很少存在於資訊的編碼、明示和傳輸部分。

Which means the real meaning of what people say is often not in the words.

也就是說，人們所說的話的真正含義往往不在字裡行間。

It's something you pick up on through shared values from knowing the person or from physical cues around you.

這是你通過了解對方的共同價值觀或周圍的身體暗示而獲得的。

As high context cultures rely on social cues more, a good communicator is one who is able to read the room.

由於高語境文化更依賴於社交暗示，是以一個優秀的溝通者必須能夠讀懂房間。

Words like nunchi and kukkiwo yomu highlight exactly this trait of being able to read between the lines when it comes to forming and maintaining relationships.

諸如 "雙節棍 "和 "kukkiwo yomu "之類的詞恰恰凸顯了在建立和維持關係時能夠讀懂字裡行間的特點。

And since we have high context cultures, we also have low context cultures.

既然我們有高語境文化，我們也有低語境文化。

And Hall defines low context cultures as where the mass of the information is vested in the explicit code.

霍爾對低語境文化的定義是，大量的資訊都歸屬於明碼。

So most of the information that the other person wants to say will be made explicit and told to you.

是以，對方想說的大部分資訊都會明確地告訴你。

A good communicator in a low context culture is someone who expresses what they feel and think because you shouldn't expect someone else to read your mind.

在低語境文化中，一個好的溝通者應該表達自己的感受和想法，因為你不應該指望別人能讀懂你的想法。

If you're curious about what kind of culture your country has, this is Hall's classification, which is very debated upon by scholars since Hall hasn't provided any quantitative processes for how he determined the ranking.

如果您對自己國家的文化類型感到好奇，這是霍爾的分類方法，由於霍爾沒有提供他如何確定排名的量化過程，是以學者們對這一分類方法爭論很大。

So just a heads up, many scholars have called this out for being anecdotal.