So...

所以...

I did my wordle, and then I came on in.

我先做了 wordle，然後就進來了。

Yes.

是的。

The introverts, they are my people.

內向的人，他們是我的人。

Sometimes I'll even ask by round of applause, you know, where the other introverts are in the room, and...

有時我甚至會鼓掌詢問，你知道，房間裡其他內向的人都在哪裡，然後......

I got it.

我知道了

Nailed it.

成功了

Just the one solitary clap.

只拍了一下手。

That was it.

就是這樣。

And they are probably heading home right now.

他們現在可能正在回家的路上。

Like, I overdid it.

就像，我做過頭了。

That was the Trump scene.

這就是特朗普的場景。

I shouldn't have done that.

我不該那麼做

I know, I know, my people aren't going to applaud.

我知道，我知道，我的人民不會鼓掌。

I know this.

我知道這一點。

They might give me like half a head nod, and then we're going to look right back at our shoes where it says, that is what my people do, but...

他們可能會向我點半下頭，然後我們再回頭看看我們的鞋子，上面寫著 "我的人民就是這樣做的，但是......"。

I feel like as an introvert and a comic, I have just the pleasure of sharing with the extroverts what the introverts have been talking about, you know?

我覺得作為一個內向的人和一個漫畫家，我很高興能與外向的人分享內向的人一直在談論的話題，你知道嗎？

Like, talking is kind of a strong word, I think, but I mean...

我覺得 "說話 "這個詞有點過了，但我的意思是......

I mean, we have a group text, alright?

我的意思是，我們有一個群發短信，好嗎？

That's what we have.

這就是我們所擁有的。

But here's just something that I feel like I'd like to share with you guys, that most introverts can agree with, and that is that we... miss COVID, you guys.

但我想和你們分享一件事，大多數內向的人都會同意的，那就是我們......想念COVID，你們。

That was the golden age of it.

那是它的黃金時代。

That was our Normandy, you guys.

那是我們的諾曼底

We stormed that beach, and then we went home for three years.

我們攻佔了海灘，然後回家待了三年。

And we would do it again.

我們還想再來一次。

Absolutely, we would.

當然，我們會的。

Now one thing, as an introvert, I will tell you this.

現在，作為一個內向的人，我要告訴你一件事。

I try to treat everybody the way I want to be treated, you know?

我試著以我希望被對待的方式對待每個人，你知道嗎？

It's the golden rule.

這是黃金法則。

That wasn't the punchline yet, but we'll get to it.

這還不是笑點，但我們會說到的。

It doesn't even matter to me if you are the CEO of a Fortune 500 company or just a homeless person on the side of the road, you know?

對我來說，你是《財富》500 強公司的首席執行官，還是路邊無家可歸的流浪漢，都不重要，你知道嗎？

I am not going to talk to either of you.

我不會跟你們中的任何一個說話。

Probably should have led with that, actually.

其實也許應該先說這個。

I really tried to spin that into a noble cause, but that didn't work.

我真的很想把這說成是一項崇高的事業，但沒有成功。

I think as an introvert, I'm pretty comfortable with most things about it, but there's one thing I do not like, and that is confrontation.

我覺得作為一個內向的人，我對大多數事情都很適應，但有一件事我不喜歡，那就是對抗。

I avoid confrontation at all costs, you know?

我不惜一切代價避免對抗，你知道嗎？

If there is somebody mad at me or who does not like me at work, I would rather go find a new job than ever have a conversation about it.

如果有人生我的氣，或者在工作中不喜歡我，我寧願去找一份新工作，也不願意去談這件事。

I'll be at the next job interview, and they'll ask me why I left that last job.

下次面試時，他們會問我為什麼離開上一份工作。

And I'll just be like, well, I accidentally reheated salmon in the microwave.

我會說，我不小心用微波爐加熱了三文魚。

There were some people that did not like that, I'll tell you that, and I am just here for a fresh start.

有些人不喜歡這樣，我可以告訴你，我只是來這裡重新開始。

Here's how much I know I don't like confrontation.

這就是我知道自己不喜歡對抗的原因。

I was dating a girl in college, and I didn't think things were going well.

我在大學裡和一個女孩約會，我覺得事情進展得並不順利。

I thought it would be best if we just went our own separate ways and saw other people.

我想我們最好還是分道揚鑣，去見其他人。

And I sat her down and I told her that.

我讓她坐下來，告訴她這些。

And she looked back at me and said, nah, I don't think so.

她回頭看著我說，不，我不這麼認為。

I'm going to be honest, I did not know that was an option.

老實說，我不知道還有這個選項。

That had never been an option when the roles were reversed.

當角色顛倒時，這從來都不是一個選項。

But because I don't like confrontation, I just went along with it.

但因為我不喜歡對抗，所以就順其自然了。

And earlier this year, we celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary.

今年年初，我們慶祝了結婚 25 週年。

Guys, I don't know why you're applauding.

夥計們，我不知道你們為什麼鼓掌。

That is a cry for help.

這是求救信號。

I have been in a hostage situation that I cannot get out of.

我曾被挾持，無法脫身。

I could not be blinking any faster.

我的眼睛眨得不能再快了。

I need help.

我需要幫助。

No, it's fine.

不，沒關係。

I think there's probably plenty of times in the last 25 years where she's thought to herself, I probably should have let him break up with me.

我想在過去的 25 年裡，她可能有很多時候都在想，我也許應該讓他和我分手。

That is on me, you know.

那是我的責任，你知道的。

We have made it.

我們成功了

We have made it so far.

我們成功了

I know a lot of comers, they'll get up and talk about all the wonderful things they have done in life.

我知道很多來賓都會站起來，談論他們在生活中做過的所有美好的事情。

And I cannot do that.

我不能這麼做。

I have lived a boring life.

我的生活很乏味。

I do not have a lot of accomplishments to talk about.

我沒有太多的成就可談。

I have still never seen an episode of Game of Thrones.

我至今還沒看過一集《權力的遊戲》。

Largely because I don't want to get caught using somebody's HBO Max password.

主要是因為我不想在使用別人的 HBO Max 密碼時被發現。

I don't need that kind of pressure in my life right now.

我現在不需要這種壓力。

I don't.

我沒有。

I don't.

我沒有。

I went to private school, so I learned entitlement at a really young age.

我上的是私立學校，所以我很小就學會了權利。

I did that.

我做到了。

I think maybe one of the edgiest things I've ever done.

我想，這也許是我做過的最前衛的事情之一。

I have finished every round of antibiotic I've ever been prescribed.

我已經用完了所有抗生素。

That is as exciting as my life gets.

這就是我生活中最激動人心的事情。

My high schooler and I, though, we're the same size, so we can share clothes.

不過，我和我的高中生身材一樣，所以我們可以共用衣服。

Which I think is really awesome, because it saves us money.

我認為這真的很棒，因為它能為我們省錢。

It is just a lot more embarrassing for her.

這隻會讓她更加尷尬。

But we can do it.

但我們能做到。

We can.

我們可以

Something else about me.

關於我的其他事情

I just want you guys to feel safe.

我只是想讓你們感到安全。

I have never been arrested.

我從未被捕過。

And I don't say that to brag.

我這麼說不是為了吹牛。

I know my own limitations.

我知道自己的侷限性。

You know?

你知道嗎？

I do.

我是這麼想的。

I think about consequences all the time.

我一直在考慮後果。

I am not prison material, you guys.

我不是坐牢的料

I know this.

我知道這一點。

Although I've had friends say, no, you are prison material.

雖然我有朋友說，不，你是坐牢的料。

And I don't know why they have to say that with such a big smile on their face.

我不知道他們為什麼要面帶微笑地說這些。

I don't like their tone, actually.

事實上，我不喜歡他們的語氣。

I think I should have better friends than that, you know?

我覺得我應該有更好的朋友，你知道嗎？

But I have never been arrested.

但我從未被捕過。

Although in 6th grade, some friends dared me to steal a candy bar with them from a gas station.

雖然在六年級時，一些朋友敢讓我和他們一起去加油站偷糖吃。

And I went along with it.

我就跟著去了。

And I came running out of that gas station, clutching a package of Werther's Originals.

我從加油站跑出來，手裡攥著一包維特原味巧克力。

I am not smart enough to do crime, you guys.

我還沒聰明到去犯罪，你們這些傢伙。

My friends came out with Reese's Peanut Butter Cup and M&M's.

我的朋友們拿出了里斯花生醬杯和 M&M 巧克力。

And I went for the go-to candy of the 80 and over crowd.

而我則選擇了 80 歲以上人群最喜歡的糖果。

I don't know what my endgame was.

我不知道我的結局是什麼。

I don't know if I was thinking of my Meemaw.

我不知道我是不是想起了我的媽媽。

I have no idea.

我也不知道。

I'm not smart enough for crime.

我不夠聰明，不適合犯罪。

But I have always been fascinated by crime.

但我一直對犯罪著迷。

And I think it's because when I was young, my parents introduced me to a little show called Murder, She Wrote.

我想這是因為在我小的時候，我父母給我介紹了一個叫《謀殺，她寫的》的小節目。

Now, I don't know how many have seen Murder, She Wrote in here.

現在，我不知道有多少人在這裡看過《謀殺，她寫的》。

But for just those of you who haven't, here's a quick synopsis.

不過，對於那些還沒看過的人來說，這裡有一個簡單的簡介。

It was a Mystery of the Week show.

這是一個 "一週之謎 "節目。

It all took place in a sleepy little town called Cabot Cove, Maine.

故事發生在緬因州一個名叫卡波特灣的沉睡小鎮。

And sleepy is really the only adjective you can use to describe a town with that much murder going on.

而 "昏昏欲睡 "確實是唯一能用來形容一個發生了這麼多謀殺案的小鎮的形容詞。

They were just not paying attention at all.

他們根本就沒注意到。

Like, I looked it up.

我查過了

Cabot Cove had a population of 3,500 people.

卡博特灣的人口為 3 500 人。

And approximately one person a week was murdered.

每週大約有一人被謀殺。

That show went on for 12 seasons.

這個節目一共播出了 12 季。

So 264 out of 3,500 people were murdered in Cabot Cove, Maine.

是以，在緬因州卡博特灣，3500 人中有 264 人被謀殺。

And I don't know why we don't talk about this more.

我不知道為什麼我們不多談這個問題。

Cabot Cove, Maine is the most dangerous city in all of America.

緬因州卡博特灣是全美最危險的城市。

And the kicker of it is the police department did not solve a single one of those crimes.

最糟糕的是，警察局沒有破獲一起犯罪案件。

They went 0 for 264.

他們 264 投 0 中。

A 70-year-old retired author was the only one keeping that town together.

一位 70 歲的退休作家是小鎮唯一的支柱。

She was the only one.

她是唯一的一個。

The only one.

唯一的一個

So that, I think, started my fascination with crime.

是以，我想，這就是我對犯罪著迷的開始。

And then during COVID, I started watching a lot of crime documentaries on Netflix.

在 COVID 期間，我開始在 Netflix 上觀看大量犯罪紀錄片。

And I don't know how many other people went down that rabbit hole.

我不知道還有多少人走進了那個兔子洞。

But I went in a little too hard too fast.

但我有點用力過猛，太快了。

And I messed up my whole Netflix algorithm.

我還搞砸了整個 Netflix 算法。

It got to the point I started getting targeted ads on my phone from Lowe's and Home Depot.

到後來，我的手機上開始收到來自 Lowe's 和 Home Depot 的定向廣告。

Just asking if I need rope or duct tape.

只是問我是否需要繩子或膠帶。

And they would bring that to my house.

他們會把這些帶到我家。

I didn't even have to leave.

我甚至都不用離開。

Google Maps, just from Salt Lake City here to Provo, Google Maps showed me five different places where I could dispose of a body.

谷歌地圖，從鹽湖城到普羅沃，谷歌地圖顯示了五個不同的地方可以處理屍體。

You know?

你知道嗎？

And I put a pin in those.

我還在上面插了別針。

I don't know.

我不知道。

I don't know what's going to happen here tonight.

我不知道今晚這裡會發生什麼。

This could go downhill at any moment.

這隨時都有可能走下坡路。

I don't know.

我不知道。