Conor Beaton here and today we're going to be diving into how do you fix, how do you end the anxious avoidant dynamic, right?

康納-比頓（Conor Beaton）在這裡，今天我們將深入探討如何解決，如何結束焦慮迴避的動態，對嗎？

So maybe you're an anxious person or you're an avoidant person and you found yourself in a relationship with the opposing attachment style, which is probably what has brought you here.

所以，也許你是一個焦慮型的人，或者你是一個迴避型的人，而你發現自己處於一種與之相反的依戀風格的關係中，這可能就是把你帶到這裡來的原因。

And I hope that you've enjoyed the series that I've been doing because I've been doing this A Man's Guide To where I've dove into or dug into how to end codependency, how to resolve your avoidant attachment style or your anxious attachment style or your fearful avoidant attachment style.

我希望你們喜歡我一直在做的這個系列，因為我一直在做這個《男人指南》，在這裡我深入研究瞭如何結束依賴，如何解決你的迴避型依戀風格、焦慮型依戀風格或恐懼型迴避依戀風格。

So if you're watching this and you haven't watched those, those are going to be incredibly helpful to doing a deep dive into how you as an individual can move closer towards secure attachment.

是以，如果你正在觀看這個節目，但你還沒有看過這些內容，那麼這些內容將對你深入瞭解作為個人如何更接近安全依戀非常有幫助。

So this video is going to talk specifically about the relationship, how it happens, why it happens and how do you resolve it.

是以，本視頻將具體講述這種關係、它是如何發生的、為什麼會發生以及如何解決。

And I'm going to give you some very specific things that you as an individual can do and then some specific things that you as a couple can tackle.

我會給你一些個人可以做的非常具體的事情，然後給你一些夫妻可以解決的具體事情。

So let's dive in and talk a little bit first about what characterizes the anxious avoidant dance.

是以，讓我們深入探討一下焦慮迴避型舞蹈的特點。

The first thing is this push-pull dynamic where one person seems to be pulling away and the other one seems to be a stage five clear.

首先是這種推拉態勢，一個人似乎在拉開距離，而另一個人似乎已經進入第五階段。

No, just kidding anxious people, just kidding.

不，開玩笑的，焦慮的人們，開玩笑的。

But you can tell which one I was in the relationship.

但你可以看出我在這段關係中是哪一個。

I was clearly an avoidant person with that joke, right?

這個笑話顯然是我在逃避現實，對吧？

But one person pulls away and one person pushes forward.

但一個人抽身而退，一個人奮力向前。

And generally you have one person that is moving towards an over-indexing of self-reliance or self-protection and that's the avoidant person as a relational strategy, right?

一般來說，有一種人會過度強調自我依賴或自我保護，這就是迴避型人格，這是一種關係策略，對嗎？

So their relational strategy is I rely on me more than I rely on us to a really detrimental degree to the relationship.

是以，他們的關係策略是我依賴我自己多於我依賴我們，這對他們的關係非常不利。

And then the other person has a relational strategy of I need you to be okay in order for me to be okay.

然後，對方就會採取一種 "我需要你沒事，我才能沒事 "的關係策略。

Or I need to know that you're okay in order for me to feel okay.

或者說，我需要知道你沒事，我才能感覺沒事。

Or I need you to tell me that I'm okay so that I can be okay.

或者，我需要你告訴我，我沒事，這樣我才能沒事。

Whereas the avoidant is I don't need you to be okay, I don't need this relationship to be okay.

而回避者則認為我不需要你，我不需要這段關係。

I can only rely on me in order to be okay.

我只能依靠自己才能沒事。

So that's just a quick little summary of what it can look like.

是以，這只是對它可能出現的情況的一個小結。

One of the things that I wanted to try and do was condense down why this happens.

我想做的一件事，就是把這種情況發生的原因濃縮起來。

And I looked at a lot of content on the internet.

我在網上看了很多內容。

I watched a bunch of YouTube videos.

我看了很多 YouTube 視頻。

I looked at some of the articles that have been written.

我看了一些文章。

And first off, they all come from a very feminine perspective so that was quite interesting to read.

首先，它們都從女性的角度出發，是以讀起來非常有趣。

Like I couldn't find a lot of men talking about attachment styles and talking about attachment in general.

就像我找不到很多男性在談論依戀方式和一般的依戀問題。

So it was kind of fascinating on that one part.

是以，這部分內容非常吸引人。

But there seems to be this notion out there.

但外面似乎有這樣一種說法。

First off, one of the things that I noticed was that anxious people seem to have less of a rap than avoidant people.

首先，我注意到的一點是，焦慮的人似乎比迴避的人更不喜歡說大話。

Like avoidant people are sort of positioned on some of these blogs and some of these videos as like the villain and the anxious person is the victim.

在一些博客和視頻中，迴避型的人被定位為反派，而焦慮型的人則是受害者。

And that's not the case.

事實並非如此。

I want to just dissolve this notion that there's a villain and a victim.

我只想消除 "反派和受害者 "的概念。

There's just a pursuer and the pursued.

只有追求者和被追求者。

There's the person pushing and the person pulling away.

有推的人，也有拉開的人。

It's not a moral thing, right?

這不是道德問題，對嗎？

These are both behavioral patterns and relational patterns that were birthed quite early in your life.

這些既是行為模式，也是關係模式，在你生命的早期就已形成。

And so I say that because I know many of you guys that are watching this, whether you're the anxious one or the avoidant one, have oftentimes a very detrimental story internally of like, God, there's something wrong with me that's causing this.

我之所以這麼說，是因為我知道你們很多人都在看這個節目，不管你是焦慮型的還是逃避型的，很多時候內心都有一個非常有害的故事，就像 "上帝啊，我一定是哪裡出了問題，才會這樣"。

And there's not something that's wrong with you that's causing this.

這並不是你的問題所在。

It's that something has gone on in your life that has caused you to either pull away or actively needed to pursue.

這是因為你的生活中發生了一些事情，導致你要麼抽身而退，要麼需要主動追求。

So I wrote down this phrase that I think summarizes why the avoidant and anxious dance is so strong.

是以，我寫下了這句話，我認為它概括了迴避和焦慮舞蹈如此強烈的原因。

Because so many anxious people find themselves in a relationship with avoidant and vice versa.

因為很多焦慮的人發現自己與迴避的人建立了關係，反之亦然。

It's quite common.

這很常見。

So here's what I wrote down.

這就是我寫下的內容。

I said, sometimes you're not in love or even drawn to the person themselves.

我說過，有時你並不愛對方，甚至不被對方吸引。

You're drawn to the qualities that you think they possess that you know you lack, right?

你被那些你認為他們擁有而你知道自己缺乏的品質所吸引，對嗎？

So sometimes we're not drawn to the person.

所以，有時候我們並沒有被這個人吸引。

We're drawn to the qualities that they possess that we know we lack, right?

我們被他們身上的品質所吸引，而我們知道自己缺乏這些品質，對嗎？

And so this is the ultimate version of a shadow-oriented relationship where your anxiety is doing the choosing of who you date or your avoidance is doing the choosing of who you date.

是以，這就是以陰影為導向的關係的終極版本，在這種關係中，你的焦慮會選擇你的約會對象，或者你的逃避會選擇你的約會對象。

And so this part of you can be quite strong in choosing partners and choosing relationships that allow you to stay in this anxious pattern or this avoidant pattern.

是以，在選擇伴侶和人際關係時，你的這一部分會非常強烈地讓你保持這種焦慮模式或迴避模式。

And the reason why these two are attracted to one another is not just because they're complementary opposites.

這兩個人之所以互相吸引，不僅僅是因為他們是互補的對立面。

They're attracted to one another because the anxious sees a part of themselves that they feel is lacking in the avoidant.

他們之所以互相吸引，是因為焦慮者看到了自己的一部分，而他們覺得這正是迴避者所缺乏的。

And the avoidance sees and admires parts of themselves in the other person that they know they're lacking, right?

迴避者看到並欣賞對方身上自己所缺乏的部分，對嗎？

So the avoidant person generally will, when you ask them, what do you admire about your partner?

是以，當你問迴避型人格的人，你欣賞你的伴侶什麼？

And they'll talk about the anxious person and they'll say, I love their passion.

他們會談論焦慮的人，他們會說，我喜歡他們的激情。

I love how open they are.

我喜歡它們的開放性。

I love their availability.

我喜歡他們的可用性。

I love their expression.

我喜歡他們的表情。

I love how willing they are to say what they want or say what they need.

我喜歡他們願意說出自己想說的話或需要說的話。

And usually those are all things that are missing inside of that avoidant person, right?

通常，這些都是迴避者內心缺失的東西，對嗎？

Not that they're lacking in passion necessarily, but they're not open.

不是說他們一定缺乏激情，而是他們不開放。

They're not necessarily available.

它們不一定可用。

They aren't as expressive as they would ultimately like to be and they don't have any reliance on other people.

他們並不像自己最終希望的那樣善於表達，也不依賴他人。

And then if you talk to the anxious person, you say, what do you really love about your partner?

然後，如果你與焦慮的人交談，你會說，你真正愛你的伴侶什麼？

And they'll talk about the avoidant person.

他們會談論迴避型的人。

They'll say, I'm attracted to how solid they are.

他們會說，我被他們的穩重所吸引。

I'm attracted to how independent they are.

我被他們的獨立所吸引。

I'm attracted to how okay with being alone and having solitude they are.

我被他們對孤獨和獨處的坦然所吸引。

And they'll talk about those qualities and they'll say, I love how much they're able to recognize themselves or validate themselves or deal with hard things.

他們會談論這些品質，他們會說，我喜歡他們能夠認識到自己、肯定自己或處理困難的事情。

And again, those are all things that generally the anxious feels like either in a conscious or deeply unconscious way they are lacking.

同樣，這些都是焦慮者通常會有意識或無意識地覺得自己缺乏的東西。

And so this in a way is a relationship of, and this might sound harsh, but it's a relationship of insecurities.

是以，這在某種程度上是一種關係，聽起來可能有些刺耳，但這是一種不安全感的關係。

And it's why the anxious avoidant dance is so hard.

這也是為什麼焦慮迴避舞蹈如此艱難的原因。

It's because the thing that has brought the two of you together are these sort of deeper insecurities.

這是因為讓你們倆走到一起的原因，是這些更深層次的不安全感。

And those insecurities can be conscious.

而這些不安全感可能是有意識的。

They can be things that you are very aware of and you know the insecurity, you know the insecure behavior, you know the insecure pattern.

它們可能是你非常清楚的事情，你知道這種不安全感，你知道這種不安全的行為，你知道這種不安全的模式。

Or there are things that are more hidden from you.

或者有些事情對你來說更加隱蔽。

And that's more the case with the avoidant.

而回避者的情況更甚。

Oftentimes the avoidant isn't fully aware of maybe at first of the deep fear of closeness, the deep fear of relying on another person, the deep fear and insecurity of expressing themselves.

很多時候，迴避者一開始可能並沒有完全意識到自己對親近的深深恐懼、對依賴他人的深深恐懼、對錶達自己的深深恐懼和不安全感。

And so that when those two things come together, it's our insecurities choosing a partner in an effort to try and resolve the insecurities, right?

是以，當這兩樣東西結合在一起時，我們的不安全感就會選擇一個伴侶，努力嘗試解決不安全感，對嗎？

We don't, our insecurities don't want to stay necessarily in place and be there forever.

我們沒有，我們的不安全感並不想永遠停留在原地。

Our insecurities, just like your anxiousness or your depression, it's looking for some type of resolution.

我們的不安全感，就像你的焦慮或抑鬱一樣，它在尋找某種類型的解決辦法。

It doesn't want to just stay put and stay in place.

它不想就這樣呆在原地不動。

It might feel like that sometimes, but our insecurities are always looking for some type of evolution or resolution.

有時可能會有這種感覺，但我們的不安全感總是在尋求某種演變或解決。

So, just keep that in mind as we continue to talk about how to end this anxious avoidant dance.

所以，在我們繼續討論如何結束這種焦慮的逃避舞蹈時，請記住這一點。

So, next I'm going to give you some examples of an anxious avoidant dynamic and then I'm going to give you, you know, how can it succeed, when do you know to leave or that it's not going to work.

所以，接下來我會給你舉一些焦慮迴避動態的例子，然後我會告訴你，你知道它怎樣才能成功，你什麼時候知道要離開或者它不會起作用。

And then what do you specifically need to do in order to heal this type of dynamic?

那麼，為了治癒這種動態關係，你具體需要做些什麼呢？

So, examples of the anxious avoidant dynamic is the chase and withdraw pattern that I've been talking about.

是以，焦慮迴避動態的例子就是我一直在說的追逐和退縮模式。

This is the push and pull pattern where the anxious person will press for more intimacy, more reassurance, more validation, more soothing, those types of things, more reassurance.

這就是推拉模式，焦慮的人會要求更多的親密、更多的保證、更多的確認、更多的撫慰，這些類型的東西，更多的保證。

And this will push the avoidant partner further and further away because they will feel a pressure to caretake the other person, to be responsible for the other person, to be close to and intimate with the other person.

這會把迴避型伴侶越推越遠，因為他們會感到一種壓力，需要照顧對方、對對方負責、與對方親近和親密。

All of which might reactivate either some trauma in their past or some fear of closeness or some physical and emotional reminder that intimacy isn't safe.

所有這些都可能會重新激活他們過去的創傷，或者是對親密關係的恐懼，或者是身體和情感上的提醒，讓他們意識到親密關係並不安全。

Next is conflict over closeness and space, conflict over closeness and space.

其次是親密度和空間的衝突，親密度和空間的衝突。

So, the anxious partner might initiate conversations about the future, about when are we moving in together or how do you feel like this relationship is going or, you know, should we be in a committed relationship and not date anybody else or is it time for us to get engaged?

是以，焦慮的伴侶可能會發起關於未來的對話，比如我們什麼時候搬到一起住，或者你覺得這段關係發展得如何，又或者，你知道，我們是否應該保持一段堅定的關係，不與其他人約會，或者我們是否該訂婚了？

And this type of bid for connection, and it might not even be that big, it might be like, hey, on Friday night, I really would love for us to go out to a date, you know, go out for a date, go out for dinner, like whatever it is.

這種尋求聯繫的方式可能並不那麼重要，可能只是說，嘿，週五晚上，我真的很希望我們能出去約會，你知道的，出去約會，出去吃飯，不管是什麼。

And that can cause the avoidant person to feel trapped, to feel enclosed on, to feel like they have to make some level of commitment that's maybe uncomfortable for them or commit to some level of intimacy and closeness that's uncomfortable for them.

這可能會讓迴避型的人感到被困，感到被封閉，感到他們必須做出某種程度的承諾，而這種承諾對他們來說可能是不舒服的，或者承諾某種程度的親密和親近，而這種親密和親近對他們來說是不舒服的。

And this can create the conflict.

這就會造成衝突。

So, it's very often one of the biggest hallmarks, okay, and I really want you to like write this one down, keep this in mind because this is so important to undoing, undoing the anxious avoidant dance.

所以，這往往是最大的標誌之一，好吧，我真的希望你能把這一條寫下來，牢記在心，因為這對消除、消除焦慮迴避舞蹈非常重要。

So often, a hallmark of the anxious avoidant dynamic is that when there are bids for closeness and intimacy and connection, when there are moments that closeness, intimacy and connection are possible or intimacy, closeness and connection is requested.

是以，焦慮迴避型動態的一個特點往往是，當有親近、親密和聯繫的請求時，當有親近、親密和聯繫是可能的或親近、親密和聯繫是被請求的時刻。

Or demanded.

或要求。

Conflict ensues.

衝突隨之而來。

All right.

好吧

So, intimacy and closeness and connection, when that starts to arise in the relationship, this is usually the inflection point for some type of conflict.

是以，當關系中開始出現親密、親近和聯繫時，這通常就是某種衝突的拐點。

And this is where, you know, it might be that avoidant person starts to criticize the anxious one or the anxious one starts to criticize the avoidant one.

這時，你知道，可能是迴避型的人開始責備焦慮型的人，也可能是焦慮型的人開始責備迴避型的人。

You never want to spend time with me.

你從來都不想和我在一起

How come you don't want to go out to dinner or like spend time with my friends or my family?

你為什麼不想出去吃飯，不想和我的朋友或家人在一起？

And this will create conflict.

這就會造成衝突。

So, a lot of the conflict that you experience in this type of relationship revolves around just being close, just being connected, staying intimate.

是以，在這種關係中，你所經歷的很多衝突都是圍繞著親近、聯繫、保持親密而產生的。

And then last, this is another big one, is misinterpretation of signals, okay, misinterpretation of signals.

最後，這是另一個大問題，那就是對信號的誤讀，好吧，對信號的誤讀。

Very simply put, you will have either partner, the anxious or the avoidant, misrepresenting or misinterpreting the signals from the other person, right?

簡單地說，焦慮者和迴避者中的任何一方都會歪曲或曲解對方發出的信號，對嗎？

So, the anxious person might see the avoidant asking for some space or saying, hey, you know what, tonight I just want to kind of like do my own thing.

是以，焦慮的人可能會看到迴避的人請求一些空間，或者說，嘿，你知道嗎，今晚我只想做我自己的事情。

I'm going to, you know, go into the shop and do my woodworking or I'm going to watch my own show.

我打算，你知道，去店裡做我的木工活，或者看我自己的節目。

I'm going to go to gym or Brazilian jiu-jitsu or like a dance class or whatever it is.

我要去健身房或巴西柔術或舞蹈班，不管是什麼。

And then the anxious person misinterprets that as you don't love me, you don't want to be with me, you're leaving me, etc., etc.

然後焦慮的人就會誤解為你不愛我了，你不想和我在一起了，你要離開我了，等等等等。

And vice versa, right?

反之亦然，對嗎？

The avoidant person might hear the anxious person saying, hey, you know what, we haven't been on a date in a few weeks.

迴避型的人可能會聽到焦慮型的人說：嘿，你知道嗎，我們已經有幾周沒約會了。

I would love to just go out with you on Friday night and like go have a beer or, you know, go out and have a good meal.

我很想在週五晚上和你一起出去，喝杯啤酒，或者，你知道的，出去吃頓好的。

And the avoidant person might misinterpret that as like, oh, you're wanting, you know, some level of commitment.

而回避型的人可能會誤解為，哦，你是想要某種程度的承諾。

You're trying to push something or you're being so needy right now or whatever it is, even though it's just a bid for a connection.

你在試圖推動什麼，或者你現在很需要什麼，或者不管是什麼，儘管這只是在尋求一種聯繫。

So, again, a lot of the conflict will come out of bids for connection and bids for solitude.

是以，很多衝突還是會源於對聯繫的渴望和對孤獨的渴望。

Okay, can these types of relationships work?

好吧，這種關係能行得通嗎？

This is one of the biggest questions that I get from people when they're talking about attachment styles.

當人們談論依戀風格時，這是我遇到的最大問題之一。

The answer is unequivocally, yes, they do take a decent amount of work and they take some time for that work to set in.

答案毫無疑問是肯定的，它們確實需要大量的工作，而且這些工作需要一些時間來完成。

There are some key ingredients to making this relationship work, okay?

要想讓這段關係成功，有一些關鍵因素，好嗎？

The main one is that both of you have to be willing participants in doing what I'm outlining in this episode.

最主要的一點是，你們雙方都必須心甘情願地參與到我在本集中所概述的工作中。

And that might mean that you go and work with somebody as a couple.

這可能意味著，你要去和別人一起工作。

That might be a part of it.

這可能也是原因之一。

But at the very least, you have to both be willing participants to recognizing that this is an issue that's getting in the way and wanting to work on it to better the relationship.

但最起碼，你們雙方都必須願意承認這是一個阻礙你們發展的問題，並希望通過努力來改善你們的關係。

Without that, without that agreement, there's nothing that you can do.

沒有這一點，沒有這份協議，你什麼也做不了。

All right.

好吧

It's not going to move forward.

它不會前進。

So, that brings me to the next piece, which is how do you know that it's not going to work?

所以，這就引出了下一個問題，那就是你怎麼知道這行不通呢？

Because that's another question that I get, which is like, should we break up?

因為這是我遇到的另一個問題，比如，我們應該分手嗎？

Should we not stay together?

我們不應該在一起嗎？

Number one, if your partner, after months or however long, is still not willing to work on this dynamic, then that might be a sign that it's time to go, right?

第一，如果你的伴侶在幾個月或多長時間後仍然不願意在這種動態關係上下功夫，那麼這可能是一個信號，表明是時候離開了，對嗎？

If you've both acknowledged that there's a big issue and disconnect between the two of you, and maybe you've even acknowledged that you two are in this avoidant and anxious dance and they're not willing to work on it.

如果你們都承認你們之間存在很大的問題和隔閡，也許你們甚至承認你們在逃避和焦慮中起舞，而對方卻不願意為此付出努力。

Whether they're the avoidant or the anxious partner, then that might be a sign that it's not going to work.

無論是迴避型伴侶還是焦慮型伴侶，這都可能預示著我們的婚姻不會成功。

And individually, a couple things need to happen.

就個人而言，需要做幾件事。

Number one, the avoidant has to be willing to lean in, communicate their needs, prioritize staying in connection when shit gets hard, and they have to be willing to start to lean into opening themselves and expressing themselves specifically around help and support.

首先，迴避者必須願意傾聽、溝通自己的需求，在遇到困難時優先考慮保持聯繫，而且他們必須願意開始傾聽，敞開心扉，特別是在得到幫助和支持時表達自己的想法。

All right.

好吧

Second, for the anxious person, you have to be willing to begin to self-soothe, to start to self-regulate, self-validate, and to build a deeper level of safety and worth within yourself.

其次，對於焦慮的人來說，你必須願意開始自我安慰，開始自我調節、自我肯定，並在內心深處建立更深層次的安全感和價值感。

So those are sort of like the two missions.

是以，這就像是兩個任務。

How do you end the dance?

如何結束舞蹈？

Well, let's talk about this, where I thought a lot about where I wanted to start with this part of the episode, and what I'm actually going to start with might be different than what you expected.

好吧，讓我們來談談這個問題，我想了很久要從哪裡開始這部分內容，而我實際上要開始的內容可能與你的預期不同。

I'm going to talk about how you end the punishment cycle that shows up in an anxious avoidant relationship.

下面我將談談如何結束焦慮型迴避關係中出現的懲罰循環。

So every anxious avoidant relationship has some type of punishment cycle, and usually it's one person starting at the anxious or the avoidant, and then there's very specific behaviors that roll out after that.

是以，每一種焦慮迴避關係都有某種類型的懲罰循環，通常是一個人開始焦慮或迴避，然後有非常具體的行為在那之後出現。

And so the dynamic looks something like this.

是以，動態的情況是這樣的

The anxious partner will implement protest behaviors, and the avoidant partner will try and exert some level of control through detachment.