Welcome back to the Dr. Sia channel.

歡迎回到西亞博士頻道。

Today, we're going to talk about ambivalent attachment.

今天，我們來談談矛盾依戀。

If you haven't checked out any of my other videos on attachment, please make sure that you do that by visiting the Dr. Sia channel.

如果您還沒有看過我的其他附件視頻，請務必訪問西亞博士頻道。

And well, yeah, let's get started.

好吧，我們開始吧。

All right.

好吧

So let's talk about ambivalent attachment.

那麼，讓我們來談談矛盾依戀吧。

Now, it's sort of like, and I'm assuming here that you've already learned about basic attachment and that you know what attachment is, that if you checked out some of my other videos.

現在，我假設你已經瞭解了基本的依戀，知道什麼是依戀，如果你看過我的其他視頻，你就會明白這一點。

So if you haven't done that, please make sure that you do that, like I said in the intro.

所以，如果你還沒有這樣做，請確保你這樣做了，就像我在介紹中說的那樣。

All right.

好吧

So what is ambivalent attachment?

那麼，什麼是矛盾依戀呢？

Now, ambivalent attachment is when a child learns that their parents emotions are volatile somehow.

現在，矛盾型依戀是指孩子知道父母的情緒在某種程度上是不穩定的。

And with volatile, I basically mean that they have emotionally unstable parents.

我說的不穩定，基本上是指他們的父母情緒不穩定。

So the parent unintentionally, and this is always the case with attachment, any harmful attachment that's been done to a child, and more often than not, if I dare say so, is done unintentionally.

是以，父母無意中對孩子造成了任何有害的依戀，而且我敢說，往往是無意中造成的。

So we're not looking to blame anyone here.

是以，我們並不想在這裡指責任何人。

We're just looking to understand what's happened.

我們只是想了解發生了什麼。

So what happens is as the child is attaching to their parents, so they're building that relationship between each other.

是以，在孩子依戀父母的同時，他們也在建立彼此間的關係。

That's like the attachment where the child is developing understanding of how they will be kept safe in that relationship and what they can do to maximize their survival, meaning maximizing their survival means anything that they can do to make sure that their parents don't leave them, abandon them, stop feeding them, killing them, et cetera.

這就好比依戀關係，孩子在依戀關係中逐漸瞭解如何在這種關係中保證自己的安全，以及如何才能最大限度地提高自己的生存能力，也就是說，最大限度地提高自己的生存能力意味著他們可以做任何事情來確保父母不會離開他們、拋棄他們、停止餵養他們、殺死他們等等。

So it sounds really bad, but if you go far back enough to sort of when we were cavemen, we were actually doing those kinds of things.

是以，這聽起來很糟糕，但如果你追溯到我們還是穴居人的時候，我們就已經在做這些事情了。

And unfortunately, some people are doing those things even today.

不幸的是，有些人甚至在今天還在做這些事情。

So we have a mechanism inside us that ensures our survival and that's attachment.

是以，我們體內有一種確保我們生存的機制，那就是依戀。

Now for ambivalent attachment, the child has learned that their parent is somehow not stable, that they're volatile somehow, that they tend to have a lot of strong emotions and they don't really know themselves how to regulate those emotions.

對於矛盾型依戀，孩子已經知道父母在某種程度上並不穩定，他們在某種程度上是不穩定的，他們往往有很多強烈的情緒，而他們自己並不知道如何調節這些情緒。

So the parents of ambivalent children themselves have this sense within them that they might be not loved by their children, that they might be abandoned by their children.

是以，有矛盾心理的孩子的父母本身就有一種感覺，他們可能得不到孩子的愛，可能被孩子拋棄。

Now in the beginning, when the child is born, this is not a problem because the parent will be overjoyed and everything will be great and they'll really join the child in that attachment there.

現在，在孩子出生之初，這不是問題，因為父母會欣喜若狂，一切都會很好，他們真的會和孩子一起在那裡依戀。

So in those phases, it's fine.

是以，在這些階段，它是好的。

It's the later phases where the child begins becoming a bit problematic.

在後期階段，孩子開始變得有點問題。

As they begin becoming a bit problematic, the ambivalent parent, if you will, themselves now are beginning to have to correct the child's behavior.

當他們開始變得有點問題時，矛盾的父母，如果你願意的話，現在開始不得不糾正孩子的行為。

They're having to say what's right and what's wrong.

他們不得不說什麼是對的，什麼是錯的。

And as they do that, they really don't know how to regulate their own emotions.

而當他們這樣做的時候，他們真的不知道如何調節自己的情緒。

So they start really intensively shaming the child.

於是，他們開始對孩子進行嚴厲的羞辱。

So rather than, for example, saying, oh, don't do that.

是以，與其說 "哦，別這麼做"，不如說 "別這麼做"。

That's not right.

這是不對的。

They might become overly emotional, overly punitive, overly upset somehow.

他們可能會變得過於情緒化、過於懲罰性、過於不安。

So the child starts learning to not just navigate their own emotions, but also become a caretaker of their parents.

是以，孩子不僅要開始學習駕馭自己的情緒，還要成為父母的照顧者。

They start learning what they can do and not do to be taken care of.

他們開始知道，為了得到照顧，他們可以做什麼，不可以做什麼。

For example, we all have this thing where we avert eye contact from our children to sort of regulate.

例如，我們都有這樣的習慣，即不與孩子進行眼神交流，以進行某種調節。

You know, we're going too much emotion here.

你知道，我們在這裡太情緒化了。

I'm just going to look away so that I can regulate me and then I'll come back to you.

我先把目光移開，這樣我就能調節自己，然後再回來找你。

Now, an ambivalent parent might not let the child do that.

現在，矛盾的父母可能不會讓孩子這麼做。

So they might go, where are you looking?

他們會問，你在看什麼？

Look at me looking for that smile.

看著我，尋找那個微笑。

Can I get that smile?

能讓我笑一笑嗎？

Give me that smile.

笑一個

And so the child learns that the only way that they can regulate inside is to regulate the person in front of them.

於是，孩子們學會了只有調節眼前的人才能調節內心。

And in turn, the only way they can be regulated themselves is by making sure that there's somebody there to regulate them.

反過來，只有確保有人監管他們，他們自己才能受到監管。

So how does this then relate to ambivalent attachment in adults?

那麼，這與成年人的矛盾依戀有什麼關係呢？

So people who have ambivalent attachment as adults tend to be hyper-aroused meaning that they are overly aroused, meaning they tend to get overwhelmed.

是以，有矛盾依戀的人在成年後往往會過度亢奮，也就是說，他們會過度亢奮，這意味著他們往往會不知所措。

They tend to get overly anxious.

他們往往會過度焦慮。

They tend to cry even though it's not tears of sadness.

他們往往會哭，儘管那不是傷心的眼淚。

They're just overwhelmed and teary.

他們只是不知所措，淚流滿面。

They might get panic attacks.

他們可能會恐慌發作。

And none of these symptoms will come out when life is going well and everyone is happy.

而在生活順利、大家都很開心的時候，這些症狀都不會出現。

When everyone is happy at a party or a celebration of some form, they'll be fine.

在聚會或某種形式的慶祝活動中，當每個人都很開心時，他們就會很好。

It is when they are feeling hurt and when they're feeling anxious that situations like this will be problematic for the person who is ambivalently attached.

當他們感到受傷和焦慮時，這樣的情況就會給矛盾依戀者帶來問題。

Now, this is also true for all other attachments.

現在，所有其他附件也是如此。

But in particular for the ambivalent attached person, the problem will happen when it's about how do I keep everyone else pleased at the same time as going for my own wishes and wants.

但是，特別是對於矛盾型依戀者來說，問題會出現在如何在滿足自己的願望和需求的同時，讓其他人也感到滿意。

So here is something that a lot of people won't tell you about because maybe they don't know.

所以，很多人不會告訴你這件事，因為他們可能不知道。

I don't know.

我不知道。

But what happens is for ambivalent attachment is that their wants and their own wishes just disappear.

但對於矛盾型依戀來說，他們的要求和自己的願望就會消失。

These wants and these wishes are so intertwined that if you want something, if you wish something, that generally comes from inside.

這些願望和希望交織在一起，如果你想得到什麼，如果你希望得到什麼，這一般都來自內心。

And the real only argument that you have for that is, well, it would be nice.

你唯一的理由就是，這樣做很好。

It would feel good.

感覺會很好。

Now, to a person who's got ambivalent attachment, something feeling good, something feeling nice is not enough as an argument.

現在，對於一個有矛盾依戀的人來說，感覺好的東西、感覺不錯的東西不足以作為論據。

What they will need is to compile as many shoulds and ought tos and need tos as possible to be allowed to even do something.

他們需要的是儘可能多地編纂 "應該"、"應當 "和 "需要"，甚至允許他們做一些事情。

And that's something.

這很重要

And where do those shoulds and those oughts and need tos come from?

這些 "應該"、"必須 "和 "必須 "從何而來？

Other people's oughts, other people's shoulds and other people's wants.

別人的 "應該"、別人的 "應該 "和別人的 "想要"。

So the person who is ambivalently attached is constantly looking out for what other people want, what other people need, what other people think and what they should be doing and so on and so forth.

是以，矛盾依戀的人總是在關注別人想要什麼，別人需要什麼，別人怎麼想，自己應該怎麼做，諸如此類。

So one of the scariest situations for a person with ambivalent attachment is a situation where their own wants are coming to question and not what they ought to should or should to ought or ought to want, but just what they really genuinely want.

是以，對於一個有矛盾依戀的人來說，最可怕的情況之一就是他們自己的願望受到質疑，而不是他們應該應該、應該應該或應該想要什麼，而只是他們真正真正想要什麼。

So let me give you an example.

讓我給你舉個例子。

Have you ever been with that person where you've asked them, what do you want to watch tonight?

你有沒有和這樣的人在一起，你問他們，今晚想看什麼？

Would you like to go to the cinema?

你想去電影院嗎？

What would you like to watch?

你想看什麼？

And they go, oh, it's really complicated.

他們會說，哦，這真的很複雜。

I hate it when you ask me what I want.

我討厭你問我想要什麼。

I hate it when you make me have to pick.

我討厭你讓我挑。

And therein is one of those really big signs because the person is afraid to make a mistake.

這就是一個很大的徵兆，因為這個人害怕犯錯。

They would rather not have a want and hear what you want so then they can want what you want because what you want is what they should want.

他們寧願沒有想要的東西，也不願聽到你想要的東西，這樣他們就可以想要你想要的東西，因為你想要的東西就是他們應該想要的東西。

Another sort of piece of evidence that we can understand that a person is ambivalently attached is that they'll constantly be looking out for trouble, meaning they'll constantly be looking out to make sure that everyone else is okay.

另一種我們可以理解為一個人是矛盾依戀者的證據是，他們會時刻提防麻煩，也就是說，他們會時刻提防確保其他人都沒事。

So this person will be highly sympathetic and understanding of a friend who goes through problems.

是以，這個人會非常同情和理解遇到困難的朋友。

They'll be the first person who's there to help out.

他們會是第一個到場幫忙的人。

Unfortunately, and what so often happens for people who have ambivalent attachments is that they then expect that sort of self-sacrifice back.

不幸的是，有矛盾依戀的人常常會期望得到這種自我犧牲的回報。

So they might say, I didn't go to my exam just to come to help you today.

所以他們可能會說，我參加考試不是為了今天來幫你。

That's how good of a friend I am.

這就是我的好朋友。

Secretly hoping, because they're not allowed to be nice to themselves, that someone else will be nice to them instead.

因為不允許他們對自己好，所以暗暗希望別人能對他們好。

Now again what unfortunately happens to people who are ambivalently attached is that they spend their lives in self-sacrifice and only sometimes unfortunately when it's too late do they find out that no one else who accepted their kindness had that same model of self-sacrifice inside and was willing to give back that same level of sacrifice.

同樣不幸的是，那些有矛盾感情的人一生都在自我犧牲中度過，只是有時不幸地在為時已晚時才發現，接受他們善意的人內心並沒有同樣的自我犧牲模式，也不願意回饋同樣程度的犧牲。

So people who are ambivalently attached often go through life feeling that they're being misunderstood, not appreciated enough, not loved enough, not given back what they have given, and they'll have many stories of the major sacrifices they've made for other people and how no one ever gave them anything similarly back to them.

是以，有矛盾依戀的人在生活中常常會覺得自己被誤解了，沒有得到足夠的欣賞，沒有得到足夠的愛，沒有得到他們所付出的回報，他們會有很多故事，講述他們為別人做出的重大犧牲，卻從來沒有人給過他們任何類似的回報。

So you can see how this attachment, all it's trying to do is to make sure that a little child survives, survives by being highly attuned to other people's needs as a child to their parents.

是以，你可以看到這種依戀是如何產生的，它所要做的就是確保一個小孩子能夠生存下去，通過高度關注他人的需求來生存下去，就像一個孩子關注自己的父母一樣。

And it may have worked for them when they were children, but as adults you can also see how it doesn't work anymore because as adults what happens is this system of over-arousal, hyper-arousal, this system that keeps the person looking out for what everyone needs misses out on one crucial factor.

在他們還是孩子的時候，這可能對他們有用，但當他們長大成人後，你也會發現這已經不管用了，因為當他們長大成人後，會發生的事情是，這個過度喚醒、過度喚醒的系統，這個讓人們關注每個人的需求的系統，忽略了一個關鍵因素。

And that crucial factor is what do I need?

這個關鍵因素就是我需要什麼？

What do I want?

我想要什麼？

What do I desire?

我想要什麼？

What are my passions?

我的愛好是什麼？

What are my urges?

我的衝動是什麼？

What are my likes and dislikes?

我的喜好和厭惡是什麼？

How do I live a life for me, by me, with other people in that life?

我怎樣才能過一種為我、由我、與他人共處的生活？

How can I have a want when other people's wants always sit on top of my own?

當別人的願望總是壓在我自己的願望之上時，我怎麼會有願望呢？

So when a person who's ambivalently attached distances themselves, they do that because that reduces some pressure.

是以，當一個人在矛盾的感情中與自己保持距離時，他們會這樣做，因為這樣可以減輕一些壓力。

They can say, finally, no one's around to see me have wants.

他們可以說，終於沒人看到我想要的東西了。

No one's around to give me their wants.

身邊沒有人可以滿足我的需求。

Now I can be me for a little while.

現在，我可以暫時做回自己了。

I've had a lot of patients in COVID-19 who do have ambivalent attachments who are saying to me, finally, I can relax a little bit.

在 COVID-19 中，有很多病人確實有矛盾的依戀關係，他們對我說，我終於可以放鬆一點了。

The pressure is off.

壓力消失了。

When I'm in isolation now, I feel like I can relax a little bit, like I'm finally allowed to do some of those things that I've always wanted to do.

現在，當我與世隔絕時，我覺得我可以稍微放鬆一下，好像我終於可以做一些我一直想做的事情了。

They might say things like I've always watched Netflix.

他們可能會說，我一直都在看 Netflix。

I've always seen the programs, but it's just always I've had this little bit of a guilt that I'm not allowed to do that.

我一直都在看這些節目，只是我一直都有一點負罪感，覺得我不能這麼做。

But now I can finally watch it with no guilt because that's what I'm meant to do.

但現在，我終於可以毫無愧疚地看這部電影了，因為這是我應該做的。

I am meant to sit at home, watch TV, not engage.

我應該坐在家裡看電視，而不是參與其中。

I finally have permission to do the things that I wanted to do and no one's putting pressure on me to do anything differently.

我終於可以做自己想做的事情了，沒有人再給我壓力，要我做任何不同的事情。

Now, so they'll feel fine during the COVID-19 times, but as soon as that's gone and people are integrating again and people's oughts and shoulds are balanced against their potential own wants, the anxiety will rise again and all of those problematic patterns will arise again.

現在，在 COVID-19 時期，他們會感覺很好，但一旦這種情況過去，人們重新融入社會，人們的 "應該 "和 "應該 "與他們自己潛在的 "想要 "達到平衡，焦慮就會再次上升，所有這些問題模式就會再次出現。

Now, one question that I very commonly get here is what can we do about these attachments?

現在，我經常遇到的一個問題是，我們能為這些附件做些什麼？

And I've said it before and it's not good news in the sense that there is no level of meditation.

我以前也說過，冥想沒有高低之分，這不是什麼好消息。

There is no level of just sitting there and thinking about things.

僅僅坐在那裡思考問題是沒有層次的。

There is no level of journaling even that's going to fully get you to that level of understanding all of your attachment patterns.

即使是寫日記，也無法讓你完全理解你所有的依戀模式。

What you need to fully understand all of your attachment patterns is two people together, these days not in a room necessarily, but being together in the same emotional space or social space, whether it's Zoom or Skype or whatever you're using to be there with that person, who are focused on these patterns.

要完全瞭解你的依戀模式，你需要兩個人在一起，現在不一定是在一個房間裡，而是在同一個情感空間或社交空間裡，不管是 Zoom 還是 Skype，或者是你用來和那個人在一起的任何東西，他們都專注於這些模式。

Who, together with you, your sole goal is to identify these patterns, bring them out into the light from the dark so that you can make choices in your life, conscious choices about whether you want to keep these patterns or whether you want to let them go.

誰和你一起，你們唯一的目標就是找出這些模式，把它們從黑暗中帶到光明中，這樣你就可以在生活中做出選擇，有意識地選擇是要保留這些模式，還是要讓它們消失。

So the answer always has and always will be some form of therapeutic setting.

是以，答案永遠都是某種形式的治療環境。

Now some therapies do this better than others.

現在，有些療法在這方面做得比其他療法更好。

Some therapies specifically focus on doing these.

有些療法特別注重這些方面。

And if you want to know more about therapies that specifically focus on doing these, make sure you check out my other videos on intensive short-term dynamic psychotherapy or ISTDP for short.

如果你想了解更多專門針對這些問題的療法，請務必查看我的其他視頻，瞭解密集型短期動態心理療法，簡稱 ISTDP。

As per usual, I hope you enjoyed this video.

和往常一樣，希望你們喜歡這段視頻。

It's COVID-19.

是 COVID-19。

I ain't got much else to do.

我沒別的事可做。

So basically what I'm doing is Instagram these days and video recording and now and again replying to emails and that's it.

所以，我最近基本上都在用 Instagram 和視頻錄製，時不時地回覆一下郵件，僅此而已。

And I'm hoping that you're keeping yourself healthy too.

我希望你也能保持健康。

It's just really hard sometimes.

只是有時真的很難。

It's so sunny out there and I just want to go out and go to the park and I want to enjoy and get people together.

外面陽光明媚，我只想出去逛逛公園，享受一下，讓大家聚在一起。

But what are you going to do?

但你打算怎麼做呢？

People are dying.

人們正在死去。

Anyway, that's a downer.

總之，這是個壞消息。

All right.

好的

Okay.

好的

Let's do something else.

我們做點別的吧。

I'm going to go and I feel like eating noodles.

我要走了，我想吃麵條。

I'm going to cook myself some noodles.

我去煮點麵條。

Not because I ought to.

不是因為我應該

I definitely shouldn't.

我絕對不應該

Not because I need to.

不是因為我需要。

But you know, I just want it.

但你知道，我就是想要它。

Anyway, please subscribe.

無論如何，請訂閱。

Please comment.

請發表評論。

Please like.

請點贊

Please share these videos with your friends.

請與您的朋友分享這些視頻。

Do anything you can do to subscribe.

盡你所能訂閱。

Sorry, to support the channel.

對不起，為了支持頻道。

It just means so much to me to know that I'm just not talking to myself out there, you know, sending these videos out and then looking at it myself and then editing and whatever else I do and then finding out that I was all by myself.

這對我來說意義重大，因為我知道我不是在自言自語，你知道，我只是把這些視頻發出去，然後自己看，然後剪輯，然後發現我都是一個人在做。

Anyway, I'll see you next time.

總之，我們下次再見。