Humans are not safe.

人類並不安全。

As I often say, humans are the trigger.

正如我常說的，人類是導火索。

And the biggest wound about living in a state of a lack of trust, which at the core is the heart of living with a fear of abandonment, is that you can't safely relax and trust in your body as a child, that the parent will be there consistently.

在缺乏信任的狀態下生活，最大的傷害是你無法安全地放鬆，無法像孩子一樣相信自己的身體，相信父母會一直在身邊。

It's high highs, it's low lows, they're there, they're gone, whatever it is.

有高潮，也有谷底，它們存在過，也消失過，不管是什麼。

And the heartbreaking piece is that in order to survive, the fear of abandonment by a parent, you are forced to abandon yourself.

令人心碎的是，為了生存，害怕被父母拋棄的你不得不拋棄自己。

And it starts in yourselves so early in your experience, that it often becomes your trauma personality, which is living in a state of fear of people not being safe.

而這一切在你們的經歷中很早就開始了，以至於常常成為你們的創傷人格，即生活在對人們不安全的恐懼之中。

And what happens in these childhoods is that you spend all of your time, your resources, your coping strategies, protecting yourself, and often scanning for threat and hypervigilance or complete collapse, let's say, and shut down for freeze mode, you spend it in trauma responses.

在這些童年時期發生的事情是，你把所有的時間、資源、應對策略都花在了保護自己上，經常掃描威脅、過度警惕或完全崩潰，比方說，關閉凍結模式，你把時間都花在了創傷反應上。

That takes away from your ability to develop a whole sense of self.

這會削弱你發展完整自我意識的能力。

So you spend it abandoning yourself, who you are, your beliefs, your sense of unique humanness in the world, in order to serve preparing yourself to not be abandoned, right?

所以，你花時間放棄自己，放棄你是誰，放棄你的信仰，放棄你在這個世界上獨一無二的人性，以便為自己做好不被拋棄的準備，對嗎？

I must fall in over the parent this way, I must suppress my needs that way, I must live in hypervigilance over here, I must hide in my room over there, whatever it is.

我必須在父母面前這樣墮落，我必須在父母面前那樣壓抑自己的需求，我必須在這裡生活在高度警惕中，我必須在那裡躲進自己的房間，不管是什麼。

And your effort to not be abandoned, because in childhood you sense that in some way, you are forced to abandon yourself.

你努力不被拋棄，因為在童年時期，你感覺到在某種程度上，你不得不拋棄自己。

And so you wake up in adulthood and you live with this fear of belief deep inside that people will leave you, that they're not safe and not trustworthy, and it's such a part of who you are that you don't even know where to begin.

是以，當你長大成人後醒來，內心深處就會產生一種恐懼感，害怕別人會離開你，害怕別人不安全、不值得信任。

And I'm going to tell you this right now, I fully believe that it plays out in this compulsiveness.

我現在就告訴你，我完全相信這就是強迫症的表現。

Because in our childhood, while we were protecting and scanning and all those things, like our reflex, we compulsively did these next 10 things.

因為在我們的童年，當我們在保護自己、掃描和做所有這些事情的時候，就像我們的條件反射一樣，我們強迫性地做了接下來的 10 件事。

And to me, if you really want to cure and heal as much as you can, these abandonment wounds and fears, which if you have a significant one, or even just whatever it is, it's probably always going to be there in some form.

對我來說，如果你真的想盡可能地治癒和癒合這些被遺棄的創傷和恐懼，如果你有一個重要的人，甚至只是不管它是什麼，它可能總是會以某種形式存在。

But hopefully over time, you don't live in that, it doesn't pop up, when you're triggered at some point you're able to see it, and then you know what to do about it.

但希望隨著時間的推移，你不會生活在這種情況下，它不會突然出現，當你在某個時候被觸發時，你能夠看到它，然後你知道該怎麼做。

So let's talk about what that looks like.

讓我們來談談這看起來像什麼。

This is how you abandon yourself in the service of not being abandoned in childhood, and this is what it plays out in, right?

這就是你在童年時為了不被拋棄而拋棄自己的方式，這就是它的表現形式，對嗎？

Number one, compulsive shame.

第一，強迫性羞恥。

So you compulsively go into situations believing that you're not enough, you're not worthy, you're bad, there's something wrong with you, you're unlovable.

是以，你會強迫性地認為自己不夠好、不值得、不好、有問題、不可愛。

And in some ways it acts to protect you against the even possibility of rejection, of abandonment.

在某種程度上，它的作用是保護你不被拒絕，不被拋棄。

So you sort of read the world through the lens of these glasses.

是以，你可以通過這副眼鏡來解讀世界。

And if you want to work on healing this, you have to deal with your shame.

如果你想治癒這個問題，你就必須面對你的羞恥感。

You have to look at your literal posture, internal and external, of this, which is literally trauma and shame living in the body, to come into a sense of openness and strength, and to really lean into the resilience that if you've made it this far, you already have.

你必須審視自己的內在和外在的真實姿態，這就是活在身體裡的創傷和羞恥感，從而產生一種開放感和力量感，並真正倚靠自己的韌性，如果你能走到這一步，你就已經擁有了這種韌性。

So that's the first thing, you want to work on dealing with your shame.

所以首先，你要努力消除羞恥感。

And oftentimes that can come from identity work, boundary work, self-actualizing the things that you want to grow into and learn how to do, hobbies.

很多時候，這可能來自於身份認同工作、邊界工作、自我實現你想要成長和學習如何去做的事情、愛好。

It's really a building up from the inside out of a sense of self that you didn't get the luxury of doing because you were so Number two, a compulsive caretaking.

這其實是一種由內而外的自我意識的建立，因為你是二號人物，是一個強迫性的照顧者，所以你沒有機會這樣做。

So this is very common.

是以，這種情況非常普遍。

People-pleasing, fawning, compulsively focusing on others to therefore not have to feel the pain of your own self-abandonment.

悅納他人、媚俗、強迫性地關注他人，從而不必感受自我放棄的痛苦。

If I am taking on your needs and your desires, A, I get a reward from that usually, I get something out of it from you.

如果我承擔了你的需求和願望，A，我通常會從中得到回報，我從你那裡得到了一些東西。

B, I don't have to feel my own pain.

B，我不必感受自己的痛苦。

And C, it distracts me from ever having to deal with the fact that maybe I don't even know what my own needs are because I'm so good at abandoning myself and neglecting myself.

C，它讓我不必去面對這樣一個事實：也許我甚至不知道自己的需求是什麼，因為我太擅長拋棄自己、忽視自己了。

So you want to work on saying no and when you say yes, if you're focusing on caretaking.

是以，如果你專注於照顧他人，你要努力說 "不"，並在說 "是 "的時候說 "不"。

You want to work on, am I actually enabling people by doing too much for them?

你想解決的問題是：我為別人做得太多，是否真的助長了他們的氣焰？

Even your own children as they grow.

甚至你自己的孩子在成長過程中也是如此。

I've talked about my difficulties with certain boundaries around like chores and things like that because I didn't want to be a yeller like my mom or dad.

我說過我很難在家務之類的事情上劃清界限，因為我不想像我爸媽那樣大吼大叫。

I took too much sometimes, right?

我有時吃得太多了，對吧？

So not all the time, but it's definitely a space I've had to work on probably always will.

所以，雖然不是一直如此，但這絕對是我必須努力的地方，也許永遠都會如此。

But you know shifting the focus from what do they need to like what do I need or what do I need also.

但你要知道，把重點從他們需要什麼轉移到我需要什麼或我也需要什麼上。

Obviously if your kids are younger or certain roles in life, there's not a lot of space for us.

顯然，如果你的孩子年齡較小，或者在生活中扮演某些角色，我們的空間就不會很大。

But the problem is you don't even know what the space for yourself looks like or how to ask for it or even demand it.

但問題是，你甚至不知道自己的空間是什麼樣的，也不知道如何去要求甚至索求。

So you want to work on that.

所以你要在這方面下功夫。

Number three, compulsive self-reliance.

第三，強迫性自力更生。

Really common with a more avoidant attachment pattern, but basically you're so good at just doing it on your own because you had to, that your self-abandonment is about not being able to hold other people in your life, right?

這在迴避型依戀模式中很常見，但基本上你很擅長自己做自己的事，因為你不得不這樣做，你的自我放棄是為了在你的生活中無法容納其他人，對嗎？

It's only safe when you're on your own.

只有自己一個人的時候才安全。

You only feel peace in your body, safe in the world, or in control.

你只會感到身體安寧，世界安全，或者掌控一切。

Like it's scary to ask for help, to reach out.

好像尋求幫助、伸出援手是件可怕的事。

And so that's part of your work if you want to work on your self-reliance.

是以，如果你想自力更生，這也是你工作的一部分。

Celebrate that in yourself.

為自己喝彩。

It's amazing.

太神奇了

It's why you take risks and why you can do things on your own.

這是你敢於冒險的原因，也是你能獨立完成任務的原因。

But your challenge, if you want to heal, is to work on asking for help, communicating your emotions and feelings with others, and letting others into your life.

但是，如果你想要痊癒，你所面臨的挑戰就是努力尋求幫助，與他人交流你的情緒和感受，讓他人走進你的生活。

Number four, compulsively needing to nub.

第四，強迫性地需要 "肏屄"。

Through addictions, through binge-watching, through distractions, whatever it is.

通過成癮、通過狂歡、通過分心，不管是什麼。

Because it was so painful in your childhood to be in your own skin that you don't know how to relax and calm your body without something to help you compulsively reach for things.

因為在童年時期，在自己的皮膚裡是如此痛苦，以至於如果沒有什麼東西幫助你強迫性地去拿東西，你就不知道如何放鬆和平靜自己的身體。

Maybe you can't stand the sound of quiet because it's too much in your head.

也許你無法忍受安靜的聲音，因為它在你的腦海中太多了。

Or maybe it's like, if I didn't binge watch Netflix for 10 hours, I'd have to deal with my loneliness.

又或者說，如果我不狂看 10 個小時的 Netflix，我就不得不面對我的孤獨。

So looking at that, and then of course challenging how you're numbing and what you want to do to switch that.

是以，要關注這一點，當然還要挑戰自己是如何麻木的，以及自己想要做些什麼來改變這種狀況。

Number five, compulsive perfectionism.

第五，強迫性完美主義。

Extremely common for those of us with childhood trauma because we and this little child brain believe that but if I'm perfect and I get it right, this time I won't be abandoned.

對於我們這些有童年創傷的人來說，這是極其常見的，因為我們和這個小孩子的大腦都相信，但如果我是完美的，我做對了，這次我就不會被拋棄了。

This time I'll get my needs met.

這一次，我會滿足自己的需求。

And so what we do is we have this inner and outer critic like Pete Walker talks about right in the book on CPTSD.

是以，我們要做的就是像皮特-沃克（Pete Walker）在《創傷後應激障礙》（CPTSD）一書中所說的那樣，進行內外責備。

And this little critic kind of pops up and tries to get in front of everything.

而這個小評論家就會冒出來，試圖在所有事情面前出風頭。

Be perfect, you're gonna make a mistake, you're gonna screw it up.

要完美，你會犯錯，你會搞砸。

Because remember, if you're perfect you'll be loved, right?

因為記住，如果你是完美的，你就會被愛，對嗎？

We all know that that's a complete illusion.

我們都知道，這完全是一種幻覺。

There is no such thing as perfection.

世界上沒有十全十美的事。

And I have had this argument with more than a few clients who tell me that yes there is.

我曾與不止一位客戶爭論過這個問題，他們告訴我，是有的。

There's not.

沒有。

There's just not.

就是沒有。

And so you want to work on how you over focus on the bad or how you're wired for the negative, which we all are.

是以，你要努力克服過度關注壞處或消極的心理，我們都是如此。

But how you're putting that on yourself.

但你是怎麼把這個責任推給自己的？

That you're abandoning yourself every time you don't give yourself the love and compassion and the sort of support that you deserve.

每當你不給自己愛和同情，不給自己應得的支持時，你就是在拋棄自己。

And like let yourself be a human being.

就像讓自己成為一個人。

You are a human being, right?

你是一個人，對嗎？

Not a human doing as they say.

不是人做的事

The next one is compulsively choosing unavailable people.

其次是強迫性地選擇得不到的人。

You guys know about this.

你們知道的

This is how we go out in the world and we recreate the same story in childhood.

我們就是這樣走向世界的，我們在童年重演著同樣的故事。

We tell ourself it's different but it's often not.

我們告訴自己情況不同，但往往並非如此。

But if you sat down and you did a human inventory on who you've let in your life, your friendships, your bosses, your close neighbors, certainly your romantic partners, your crushes, all of it.

但是，如果你坐下來，盤點一下你的生活，你的友誼，你的老闆，你的近鄰，當然還有你的戀愛對象，你的暗戀對象，所有的一切，你都會發現你讓誰進入了你的生活。

If you start to look for patterns you can probably find them.

如果你開始尋找模式，也許就能找到。

What were the main issues and why or how did it end?

主要問題是什麼，為什麼或如何結束？

And so you want to look at that.

所以，你要看看這個。

How often you're doing that and maybe not recognizing it.

你經常這樣做，卻可能沒有意識到這一點。

Learning to slow down and pace yourself.

學會放慢腳步，掌握節奏。

Not letting yourself be love bombed or love bombing others.

不讓自己被愛轟炸，也不讓別人被愛轟炸。

Like it really is about pacing yourself and letting people bit by bit share vulnerability and show you who they are.

就像真的要把握好自己的節奏，讓人們一點一點地分享脆弱，向你展示他們是誰。

And working on yourself too so that you're attracting healthier people as well.

同時也要鍛鍊自己，這樣才能吸引到更健康的人。

Not perfectly healthy, just healthier.

不是完全健康，只是更健康。

The next one is compulsive dissociation and often compulsive maladaptive daydreaming.

其次是強迫性分離，通常是強迫性適應不良的白日夢。

So we're literally just going somewhere else.

所以，我們真的要去別的地方了。

We use this tactic and it lives in our body and our nervous system and in our mind and it works really well to go somewhere else.

我們使用這種策略，它存在於我們的身體、神經系統和頭腦中，它能很好地發揮作用，讓我們去別的地方。

And for many of us it helped us survive our childhoods, right?

對我們許多人來說，它幫助我們度過了童年，對嗎？

Fantasizing or building creative worlds, which can be a great thing if you're a novelist maybe or a fiction writer.

幻想或構建創意世界，如果你是小說家或小小說作家，這可能是件好事。

But at some point it's another way to avoid and escape ourselves.

但在某些時候，這也是另一種迴避和逃避自己的方式。

To abandon our hunger, our thirst for love, for companionship, for joy, for anger, whatever it is.

放棄我們對愛的渴望、對陪伴的渴望、對快樂的渴望、對憤怒的渴望，不管是什麼。

It removes us from that.

它讓我們擺脫了這一點。

And then the fantasizing part can help us act out entire parts of our lives that we're only letting ourselves live with in our mind but not letting ourselves feel in our bodies.

然後，幻想的部分可以幫助我們表演出生活中的整個部分，而這些部分我們只讓自己生活在腦海中，卻不讓自己的身體去感受。

And so you can just kind of create a whole other world that's not really grounded in reality.

這樣，你就能創造出一個完全不同於現實的世界。

So grounding techniques, mindfulness, things like that can be helpful.

是以，接地技術、正念等都會有所幫助。

Number eight, compulsively distrusting everyone.

第八，強迫性地不信任任何人。

And accepting that there's a very good chance that deep down inside you believe that nobody will ever fully be there for you.

你很有可能在內心深處認為，沒有人會完全陪在你身邊。

And the truth is that at the end of the day we are all walking ourselves home alone on some level.

而事實是，歸根結底，在某種程度上，我們都是獨自走在回家的路上。

Now I know if you have a spiritual practice that maybe it helps that part of your belief system is that you're walking with this belief system that you have.

現在我知道，如果你有靈性修煉，也許這對你的信仰體系有幫助，因為你是帶著這個信仰體系行走的。

But even with that there's I would argue at some point you are still at least on some levels alone.

但即便如此，我認為在某些時候，你至少在某些層面上仍然是孤獨的。

And so you are never going to be assured that nobody will ever hurt you or break your heart or lie to you.

是以，你永遠無法保證沒有人會傷害你、傷你的心或對你撒謊。

Human beings are complicated.

人類是複雜的。

But how we work on that is we start to let people in a little bit more.

但我們的做法是，我們開始讓人們更多地參與進來。

We start to share vulnerabilities and see how that goes.

我們開始分享弱點，看看進展如何。

We take a little step forward and we just keep trying, right?

我們向前邁出一小步，然後繼續努力，對嗎？

We want to not walk into every situation assuming the worst.

我們不能在任何情況下都做最壞的打算。

Which for many of us, going back to hypervigilance, made a lot of sense in childhood.

對於我們中的許多人來說，回到過度警覺，在童年時是很有意義的。

If I didn't skin for the worst, how was I going to survive?

如果我不做最壞的打算，我將如何生存？

So it can be very counterintuitive in general.

是以，一般來說，這可能是非常反直覺的。

But you want to work on trusting that you yourself can handle whatever comes.

但你要努力相信，無論發生什麼，你自己都能處理好。

Because that's really the bottom line.

因為這才是真正的底線。

You maybe can't always trust everybody in the world.

也許你不能總是相信世界上的每一個人。

But can you learn to trust and believe in yourself about who you are and what you need?

但是，你能學會信任和相信自己，相信自己是誰，相信自己需要什麼嗎？

My sweet daughter is texting me, have you left yet for pickup?

我可愛的女兒給我發簡訊：你去接孩子了嗎？

And I'm almost done.

我就快完成了。

Okay let's keep going.

好吧，我們繼續。

I had to remake this video because I made it and I just talked way too long.

我不得不重拍這段視頻，因為我做了這段視頻，但我說得太長了。

And I was like everyone's gonna be bored.

我當時想，大家都會覺得無聊。

Okay, compulsive self dysregulation.

好吧，強迫性自我調節失調。

So compulsive dysregulation.

所以是強迫性失調。

This is a huge one.

這是一個大問題。

For so many of us in childhood, we were so focused, like I said, on survival that it's like emotions were like guacamole.

就像我說的，我們很多人的童年都非常關注生存，以至於情感就像鱷梨醬一樣。

They just popped up or come out in our body.

它們就這樣在我們的身體裡冒出來了。

Like a headache would be, you know, a somatic response to something else in our life, to anger, whatever it is.

就像頭痛，你知道，是對生活中其他事情的軀體反應，是對憤怒的反應，不管是什麼。

We don't know how to calmly in our bodies do things like polyvagal theory, nervous system regulation, how we're thinking about things, checking our distortions, our core wounds, our negative beliefs we hold deep inside.

我們不知道如何冷靜地在自己的身體裡做一些事情，比如多迷走神經理論、神經系統調節、我們如何思考問題、檢查我們的扭曲、我們的核心創傷、我們內心深處的負面信念。

And all of that makes it harder for us in addition to things like, of course, genetic difficulties and biological brain dynamics and neurological challenges.

當然，除了遺傳方面的困難、大腦生物動力學和神經學方面的挑戰之外，所有這些都讓我們更加困難。

But at the core we don't know how to feel contained and regulated.

但從根本上說，我們不知道如何去感受控制和調節。

And we don't even have the skills and tools.

而我們甚至連技能和工具都沒有。

So it doesn't work for everyone, but things like breathing and meditation.

是以，這並不是對每個人都有效，但呼吸和冥想等方法是可行的。

Sometimes I literally feel so much anxiety for what seems like no reason.

有時，我真的會無緣無故地感到非常焦慮。

And this happens to me a lot in the morning, probably because I'm having coffee.

我經常在早上遇到這種情況，可能是因為我在喝咖啡。

I shouldn't.

我不應該

Espresso.

濃咖啡

But honestly it's not just that.

但老實說，不僅僅是這樣。

I've had it my whole life.

我一輩子都有這個毛病。

I will have to just stop and I will go lay on the floor for 15 minutes with my timer on my Insight Timer meditating practice.

我必須停下來，我會躺在地板上，用我的 Insight Timer 上的計時器冥想練習 15 分鐘。

Just listening to music.

只是聽聽音樂

Just saying you've got to literally stop your body because nothing I'm doing is helping.

我只是說，你必須讓你的身體停下來，因為我所做的一切都無濟於事。

But if I don't learn to recognize that, I can't go lay on the floor and calm down.

但如果我不學會認識到這一點，我就無法躺在地板上冷靜下來。

And I have an amazing meditation pillow.

我還有一個神奇的冥想枕。

Hold on, I want to show you really quickly.

等一下，我想很快給你演示一下。

Just really quickly.

只是很快。

I got these on Amazon.

我在亞馬遜上買的。

They're so amazing to show you.

給你們看看，它們太神奇了。

It's this big.

有這麼大

It's like a padded big floor pillow.

它就像一個有軟墊的大地枕。

And then you can use this little thing to sit on, you know, to do like a meditation.

然後你可以用這個小東西坐在上面，就像冥想一樣。

Or I use it for a like this one here and then the bottom one below it.

或者，我把它用於像這裡這樣的地方，然後在它下面的地方。

I am telling you when I feel myself on that mat, I know that I have to calm down.

我告訴你，當我感覺自己在墊子上時，我知道我必須冷靜下來。

So building a little corner in your house, a place to meditate, a little special, you know, area with flowers or a blanket, whatever.

所以，在家裡建一個小角落，一個冥想的地方，一個小小的特別區域，你知道的，有花或毯子之類的東西。

Things like that.

諸如此類的事情。

So working on your regulation skills and googling things like DBT regulation skills, which is dialectical behavioral therapy, which was initially created for those who have borderline, which we know for that particular dynamic is often the core, is certainly trauma in most, not all, but in most cases, but not all.