-♪♪ -♪♪ -♪♪ -♪♪

All right, thank you. Thank you very much.

好的，謝謝。非常感謝

How are you? How's it going?

你好嗎？最近怎麼樣？

Yes, nice to be here on such a fun week.

是的，很高興能在這麼有趣的一週來到這裡。

I know. I don't want to hear it.

我知道我不想聽

I don't watch politics, so we're going to keep it light.

我不看政治節目，所以我們就輕鬆點。

All right? Here we go.

好嗎？開始吧

All right, well, I just got over the flu, which is fantastic, you know what I mean?

好吧，我剛剛克服了流感，這太棒了，你知道我的意思嗎？

Had it last month.

上個月買的。

Whenever you have the flu, like, or, like, COVID, you know, you always lay in bed, and you try to, like, figure out who gave it to you.

每當你得了流感，比如，COVID，你知道，你總是躺在床上，試圖找出是誰傳染給你的。

Then I'm just going through this rolodex of people that coughed on you, sniffled near you, walked by an Asian or something.

然後我就翻閱那些對著你咳嗽的人，在你身邊流鼻涕的人，走過的亞洲人什麼的。

You try to fight it.

你試圖與之抗爭。

You're like, they say on the Internet, that's where all the disease comes from.

你就像，他們在網上說，所有的疾病都是從那裡來的。

I know who gave it to me.

我知道是誰給我的。

I sat next to a shoeless cowboy on an airplane.

在飛機上，我坐在一個沒穿鞋的牛仔旁邊。

Guy had no socks or shoes on the whole flight.

這傢伙在整個飛行過程中既沒穿襪子，也沒穿鞋。

The whole flight, I'm sitting there looking at his dirty Jesus feet, and all I'm thinking is the next pandemic is growing in the bottom of his feet, and all I'm going to be is the next, you know, patient number two, whatever the next disease is, you know?

整個飛行過程中，我坐在那裡，看著他骯髒的耶穌腳，我在想的是下一個流行病正在他的腳底生長，而我將會是下一個，你知道，二號病人，不管下一個疾病是什麼，你知道嗎？

So I'll tell you what kills me is I looked at the guy, and all I'm thinking is, you know what?

所以我告訴你最讓我難受的是 我看著那個人，我在想，你知道嗎？

God made that guy.

上帝創造了那傢伙。

You know, and he keeps making that guy.

你知道，他一直在製造那個傢伙。

Like one mouth-breathing moron after another.

就像一個又一個滿嘴噴糞的白痴。

Yet we still go to church on Sunday, and what do we do? We praise him.

然而，我們仍然在週日去教堂，我們做了什麼？我們讚美他。

When is the constructive criticism coming?

什麼時候才會有建設性的責備意見？

Like, dude, when's the last time you made a Gandhi?

老兄，你上次做甘地是什麼時候？

Somebody empathetic, you know?

一個有同情心的人，你知道嗎？

So my problem is I didn't get the flu shot, you know?

我的問題是我沒有注射流感疫苗，你知道嗎？

I'm old school.

我是個老派人。

I kind of still do the vaccine thing, you know?

我還在接種疫苗，你知道嗎？

I know some people like it.

我知道有些人喜歡它。

Some people don't, you know?

有些人不知道，你知道嗎？

I don't know.

我不知道。

It's a weird thing, though.

不過，這是件怪事。

If you get it, what do you do?

如果你拿到了，你會怎麼做？

You side with the evil pharmaceutical companies.

你站在邪惡的製藥公司一邊。

You know, if you don't, then you're aligned with people who don't wear shoes on an airplane.

要知道，如果你不這樣做，那你就和那些在飛機上不穿鞋的人看齊了。

All right, let's get to what you all want to talk about.

好了，讓我們來談談你們都想談的話題吧。

All right, ladies, you're 0 and 2 against this guy.

好了，女士們，你們對這傢伙是0和2。

0 and 2.

0 和 2。

All right, but you learn more from your losses than you wins.

好吧，但從失敗中學到的東西比從勝利中學到的東西更多。

So let's get into the game tape.

讓我們來看看比賽錄像。

All right, ladies, enough with the pantsuit.

好了，女士們，別再穿褲裝了。

Okay? It's not working.

行嗎？沒用的

Stop trying to have respect for yourselves.

別再試圖自重了。

You don't win the office.

你贏不了辦公室。

Like, on policy, you know?

比如，在政策方面，你知道嗎？

You got to whore it up a little.

你得把它弄得淫蕩一點。

I'm not saying go full hooters, but find the happy medium between Applebee's and your dad didn't stick around.

我並不是說你要去 "Hooters"，而是要在 "Applebee's "和你爸爸不在身邊之間找到一個平衡點。

All right?

行嗎？

You all know how to get a free drink.

你們都知道如何獲得免費飲料。

Okay? And I know, listen,

好嗎？我知道，聽著

I know a lot of ugly women, feminists, I mean, don't want to hear this message.

我知道很多醜陋的女人，我是說女權主義者，都不想聽到這個資訊。

But just tease him a little bit.

但只要逗他一下就可以了。

Make a farmer feel like he's got a shot.

讓農民覺得自己有機會。

Swing a state over a little bit.

讓一個州稍微搖擺一下。

I'll be honest with you, I am so psyched that this stupid election is finally over.

老實說，這場愚蠢的選舉終於結束了，我感到非常興奮。

It took forever.

花了很長時間

You know? Yeah.

你知道嗎？我知道

Everybody knew who they were voting for four years ago, and then they just drag you through a year and a half of this stuff.

每個人四年前都知道自己要投給誰，然後他們就這樣把你拖了一年半。

Like, who was sitting there watching the debate like still not decided?

比如，是誰坐在那裡看著辯論，好像還沒決定好？

Two of the most polar opposite people ever.

兩個最截然相反的人

It's like, all right, let's see.

這就像，好吧，讓我們來看看。

What does the orange bigot have to say?

橘色偏執狂有什麼話說？

Hmm.

嗯

How about the real estate agent that speaks through her nose?

那個用鼻子說話的房地產經紀人怎麼樣？

Oh, this is so difficult.

哦，這太難了。

It's like they overlap.

它們好像重疊了。

I just can't make up my mind.

我就是拿不定主意。

I'll be honest with you.

老實跟你說吧

I can't believe Trump didn't win this thing like four months ago, you know?

我真不敢相信特朗普四個月前就贏了，你知道嗎？

I know that's weird for younger people to hear, but, like, when I was a kid, if you were running for president and you got shot and you didn't die, that was the end of the election.

我知道這對年輕人來說很奇怪，但是，就像我小時候一樣，如果你競選總統，你中槍了，但你沒死，那選舉就結束了。

There was nothing you could say, right?

你無話可說，對吧？

Everybody would just be like, this guy's the man. He is the king.

每個人都會說，這傢伙就是男人。他就是國王

I don't know. I'll be honest with you.

我不知道。老實說

I think the number one reason, like, Trump survived is all those herky-jerky movements that he does.

我認為，特朗普能活下來的首要原因就是他那些古怪的動作。

You just can't, like, nail the guy down.

你就是不能，比如，把他釘死。

I gotta be honest. The guy is a lunatic.

我得實話實說。這傢伙是個瘋子。

I mean, he literally got shot and immediately jumped back up and started yelling in the direction the bullets were coming from, unarmed.

我的意思是，他真的中槍了，然後立即跳起來，開始朝著子彈射來的方向大喊大叫，手無寸鐵。

That's not a sane human being.

這不是一個正常的人。

I would have been on the ground crying in the fetal position, like, all right, give me the truck!

如果是我，肯定會趴在地上哭得死去活來，就像 "好吧，把卡車給我 "一樣！

I don't want this job anymore!

我不想再做這份工作了

Just tell her she won! Tell her she won!

告訴她她贏了告訴她她贏了

But Trump's got all those weird, you know, you know, coming out.

但特朗普的那些怪事，你知道的，你知道的，都出來了。

I think the guy couldn't get, like, a beat on him, you know?

我覺得那傢伙根本打不過他，你知道嗎？

And, like, right as he pulled the trigger, like, Trump was just like, and sleepy Joe!

就在他扣動扳機的一瞬間 特朗普就像個昏昏欲睡的喬一樣

And the bullet went by his head.

子彈擦著他的頭飛了過去。

My favorite part of the campaign, though, was when Trump went to McDonald's.

不過，我在競選中最喜歡的部分是特朗普去麥當勞的時候。

Wasn't that amazing?

是不是很神奇？

That's the only time I've ever seen that guy truly happy.

這是我唯一一次看到那傢伙真正開心的時候。

Like, he was glowing.

就像，他在發光。

When he got behind the counter, it was like he was behind stage at, like, Springsteen or something.

當他走到櫃檯後面時，就像是在舞臺後面，比如斯普林斯汀什麼的。

He's like, oh, my God, this is, like, where they make the French fries!

他說，哦，天哪，這就是他們做薯條的地方！

And he was sticking a couple extra in one.

他還在其中多放了幾個。

He goes, hey, whoever gets this one's gonna be excited.

他說，嘿，不管是誰拿到這個都會很興奮。

It's like, oh, my God, was that empathy?

這就像，哦，我的上帝，那是共鳴嗎？

Of the people, Donald?

人民，唐納德？

It's like when the Grinch came down the hill bringing the toys back and his heart got a little bigger.

就像格林奇下山把玩具帶回來時，他的心也變大了一點。

Ha, ha, ha.

哈哈哈

All right, we'll end on something nice here.

好吧，我們來點好聽的結束語。

I, uh, I fell asleep the other night.

那天晚上我睡著了

You ever fall asleep, like, watching TV?

你看電視時睡著過嗎？

You, like, leave it on, you know, and you wake up at 3 in the morning, and whatever you're watching makes you feel like you're still dreaming?

你，就像，把它開著，你知道，你在凌晨3點醒來，你正在看的東西讓你覺得你還在做夢？

Yeah, I woke up at 3 in the morning.

是啊，我凌晨三點就醒了。

I swear to God, Shaquille O'Neal was selling me printer ink.

我對天發誓，沙奎爾-奧尼爾在向我推銷打印機墨水。

Standing there seven feet tall.

站在那裡，有七英尺高。

Hi, I'm Shaquille O'Neal.

嗨，我是沙奎爾-奧尼爾。

Are you paying too much money for your printer ink?

您是否為打印機墨水花了太多錢？

Every day, people come up to me, and they say,

每天都有人跑來對我說

I'm paying too much money for my printer ink.

我的打印機墨水太貴了。

He's holding a printer.

他拿著一臺打印機。

It's like the size of a cell phone.

它就像手機那麼大。

People come up to me.

人們向我走來。

I'm paying too much money.

我付的錢太多了。

And I'm like, well, I have the solution.

我就想，好吧，我有解決辦法。

Dude, is there no end to that guy's credibility?

老兄，這傢伙的可信度就沒完沒了了嗎？

I thought when he was selling Buicks, that was the end of it.

我以為當他賣掉別克車時，事情就結束了。

It's laying in that little car, the midsize Buick Century.

它就躺在那輛別克世紀中型轎車裡。

This is the most comfortable car I have ever been in.

這是我坐過的最舒適的汽車。

He's got one foot out one window, the other foot out the other.

他的一隻腳在窗外，另一隻腳在窗外。

If I was regular size, this is the car I would buy.

如果我是普通人，我就會買這輛車。

It blows my mind.

這讓我大吃一驚。

Doesn't he even have, like, a billion dollars at this point?

難道他現在連十億美元都沒有嗎？

It's like, why are you still working?

這就像，你為什麼還在工作？

Take a weekend off, you nine-foot whore.

週末休息一下吧，你這個九英尺高的婊子。

Give somebody else a chance.

給別人一個機會

All right, that's it.

好了，就這樣。

We got a great show.

我們有一場精彩的演出。

Stick around.

堅持住

McGee will be here.

麥基會來的

We'll see you in a minute.

一會兒見

Thank you, thank you.

謝謝，謝謝。

Thank you.

謝謝。