They avoid conflict.

他們避免衝突。

They say what they think pleases their spouses instead of telling the truth.

他們只說自己認為討配偶歡心的話，而不說真話。

Oh, yes, they do what is convenient instead of saying what they really want.

哦，是的，他們只做方便的事，而不說他們真正想要的東西。

Well, psychologists deal with a variety of problems.

心理學家會處理各種各樣的問題。

But I would say that two most common normal problems are anxiety and depression.

但我要說，最常見的兩個正常問題是焦慮和抑鬱。

That would be one class.

這將是一堂課。

And the other would be lack of assertiveness.

另一個原因是缺乏自信。

And lack of assertiveness subsumes the problems that you just described.

而缺乏自信則會導致你剛才所說的問題。

People won't stand up for themselves and say what they need and want.

人們不會站出來為自己說話，說出自己的需要和願望。

And then they don't negotiate properly.

然後他們就不好好談判了。

They're avoiding conflict in the short term, which is a form of lie by omission.

他們在短期內避免衝突，這是一種不作為的謊言。

And what that means is that problems aggregate around them.

這意味著問題會在他們周圍聚集。

That's often why people end up divorced.

這往往是人們最終離婚的原因。

People will stay married for a long time and one partner will say to the other, well, I've been unhappy for the last eight years.

人們結婚後，一方會對另一方說，過去八年我一直不幸福。

It's like, well, that might have been something to announce in increments, say, weekly or even daily, long before everything accrued to the point where the only possible solution is a catastrophic dissolution.

這就好比，在所有事情都累積到唯一可能的解決辦法就是災難性解體之前，這可能是一件需要逐步宣佈的事情，比如說，每週甚至每天宣佈一次。

There's a lot of conflict involved in setting a relationship straight.

要理順關係，會有很多衝突。

You have to let each other know who you are because you're different.

你必須讓對方知道你是誰，因為你與眾不同。

That's going to cause conflict.

這會引發衝突。

You're going to conflict about whose job takes priority.

你們會因為誰的工作優先而發生衝突。

You're going to have conflict about how to spend your free time, about how to raise your children, about how to manage the domestic economy, about what disciplinary strategies you should use, about where to vacation, about what to eat, like all of those things have to be negotiated through.

在如何打發空閒時間、如何撫養孩子、如何管理國內經濟、使用什麼懲戒策略、去哪裡度假、吃什麼等問題上，你都會遇到衝突，所有這些事情都必須通過協商來解決。

And all of that requires truthfulness so that each of you know what the other wants and will be satisfied with.

而這一切都需要真誠，這樣你們才能知道對方想要什麼，並能得到滿足。

The only thing more exhausting than telling the truth and negotiating with your spouse is not doing it and waiting for the divorce.

唯一比說出真相併與配偶協商更令人精疲力竭的事情就是不這樣做，等待離婚。

Both of them are difficult, but I would recommend the former.

兩者都很難，但我推薦前者。

But you would agree that conflict avoidance is practical sometimes.

但你會同意，避免衝突有時是切實可行的。

No, I don't actually.

不，實際上我沒有。

I think in a marriage, for example, there's almost nothing so small you shouldn't fight about it.

例如，我認為在婚姻中，幾乎沒有什麼小事是不應該爭吵的。

But the question is, what does fight mean?

但問題是，戰鬥意味著什麼？

It doesn't mean win.

這並不意味著勝利。

Like if you and I have a relationship, let's say it's a business partnership.

就像你我之間的關係，假設是商業夥伴關係。

It doesn't really matter.

這並不重要。

If we have a relationship and we have a difference of opinion, we need to battle it through.

如果我們之間的關係出現意見分歧，我們需要通過鬥爭來解決。

But the purpose of the battle isn't so that your viewpoint prevails or that my viewpoint prevails, because either of us might be wrong.

但戰鬥的目的並不是為了讓你的觀點佔上風或我的觀點佔上風，因為我們中的任何一方都可能是錯的。

The purpose is to engage in the conflictual exchange of opinion so that we can see a joint path forward to peace.

目的是在衝突中交換意見，以便我們能夠看到一條共同的和平之路。

And that's the thing is like if you're fighting with your wife, the first thing to remember if you're fighting with your wife is you have to live with her.

問題就在於，如果你和妻子吵架，首先要記住的是，你必須和她一起生活。

So maybe beating her in the argument is not the right outcome.

所以，也許在爭論中擊敗她並不是正確的結果。

What the right outcome is saying what you have to say, listening to what she has to say and see if you guys can come up with a mutually agreed upon solution that will make the problem go away.

正確的結果是說出你想說的話，傾聽她想說的話，看看你們是否能提出一個雙方都同意的解決方案，讓問題迎刃而解。