Wishing that your partner were more like you is just a form of egotism.

希望你的伴侶更像你只是一種自我主義。

The biggest mistake that people make in dating is they look for their doppelganger.

人們在約會中犯的最大錯誤就是尋找自己的二重身。

They look for their clone.

他們在尋找自己的克隆人。

You shouldn't look for your clone, you should look for your complement.

你不應該尋找你的克隆體，你應該尋找你的互補體。

Why?

為什麼？

Because you'll be happier when you complete each other.

因為當你們彼此圓滿時，你們會更快樂。

That's when people who complete each other, you find that very happy marriages often happen between an introvert and extrovert, if they learn to appreciate each other.

如果內向和外向的人學會欣賞對方，他們的婚姻就會非常幸福。

So it's not hammer and tongs all the time for the differences.

是以，並不是所有的差異都要用錘子和鉗子來解決。

For example, one of the reasons that dating apps are so unsuccessful for giving people, you know, satisfactory dating experiences, people have more and more and more choice, but they're more likely to say they're not satisfied with the people they're dating and not attracted to the people that they're dating.

例如，約會應用程序之所以不能給人們帶來滿意的約會體驗，原因之一就是人們有越來越多的選擇，但他們更有可能說，他們對約會對象不滿意，對約會對象沒有吸引力。

It's because they'll set up a dating profile saying, I vote this way, I like this music, I live here, I like these things, I want somebody with these preferences.

因為他們會建立一個約會檔案，說我這樣投票，我喜歡這樣的音樂，我住在這裡，我喜歡這些東西，我想找一個有這些喜好的人。

And they get somebody who's their sibling, which is, as my adult children will remind me, is not hot.

他們得到的人是他們的兄弟姐妹，正如我的成年子女會提醒我的那樣，這並不性感。

Difference is hot.

差異是熱的。

It's so true because I never would have said, I want someone that is really involved in spirituality and believes in things that you just can't see.

這太對了，因為我從來沒有說過，我想要一個真正有靈性的人，相信那些你看不到的東西。

And it's funny because I never would have said that's what I wanted, but I absolutely love it.

有趣的是，我從沒說過這是我想要的，但我絕對喜歡。

She's actually pulled me into her world.

她真的把我拉進了她的世界。

She's made me more spiritual.

她讓我更有靈性。

She's made me believe in things I never would have believed before.

她讓我相信了一些我以前從未相信過的事情。

And she's completing me in that regard.

在這方面，她讓我更完整。

It's really great.

它真的很棒。

It's really great.

它真的很棒。

I mean, you've cracked the code in that way.

我是說，你用這種方式破解了密碼。

And finding all the ways that you're different and celebrating those particular differences is really key to a good relationship and not wishing the person were more like you.

找到你們的不同之處，併為這些不同之處喝彩，是建立良好關係的關鍵，而不是希望對方更像你。

This is very important that this is relationship killer.

這一點非常重要，因為它是人際關係的殺手。

Wishing that your partner were more like you is just a form of egotism.

希望你的伴侶更像你只是一種自我主義。

Everyone tries to change their partner, don't they?

每個人都試圖改變自己的伴侶，不是嗎？

Yeah.

是啊

Well, I mean, it's interesting.

嗯，我的意思是，這很有趣。

It's like there's the old axiom that women are frustrated because they thought they could change their husbands and they can't.

就像有句老話說的那樣，女人之所以沮喪，是因為她們以為自己可以改變丈夫，但她們做不到。

And husbands are frustrated because they thought their wives would never change and they do.

丈夫們很沮喪，因為他們以為妻子永遠不會改變，但她們真的改變了。

There is truth in that.

這話是有道理的。

This idea in chapter four of your book of focusing less on yourself leads to happiness.

您在書中第四章提出的 "減少對自己的關注會帶來幸福 "這一觀點。

How can you prove that's the case?

你怎麼能證明這是事實呢？

One of the classic experiments is these guys at Northwestern is a fabulous social psychologist named Adam Waitz.

其中一個經典實驗是由西北大學的一位出色的社會心理學家亞當-懷茲（Adam Waitz）進行的。

He's a really impressive and innovative social psychologist.

他是一位令人印象深刻的創新型社會心理學家。

He did an experiment where he took the undergraduate students.

他做了一個實驗，讓大學生參加。

You always use the undergraduate pool at your university because they'll do literally anything for 20 bucks.

你總是使用大學裡的大學生游泳池，因為只要 20 塊錢，他們什麼都願意做。

And he put them into three groups.

他把他們抽成三組。

One had to do moral deeds.

一個人必須做有道德的事。

They had to do random acts of kindness.

他們必須隨機做出善舉。

One had to do moral thoughts.

一個人必須進行道德思考。

They had to sit and think beautiful thoughts about other people.

他們不得不坐在那裡，對其他人產生美好的遐想。

And one had to do sort of self-care things.

人們不得不做一些自我保健的事情。

Go do something that really makes you feel good.

去做一些真正讓你感覺良好的事情。

And they looked at their happiness over a series of weeks and they found that moral deeds were happier than moral thoughts and moral thoughts were happier than self-care.

他們觀察了他們幾周內的幸福感，發現道德行為比道德思想更幸福，道德思想比自我關懷更幸福。

That's what they found.

這就是他們的發現。

You know, I did research for years and years and years about happiness and charitable giving.

你知道，我做了很多年關於幸福感和慈善捐贈的研究。

If you're lonely, the most important thing you can do is volunteer.

如果你感到孤獨，你能做的最重要的事情就是做志願者。

It just is.

就是這樣。

If you give money away, statistically, you're more likely to make more money next year.

據統計，如果你把錢捐出去，明年你就更有可能賺更多的錢。

The reason is because you see yourself as an agent of positive change.

這是因為你將自己視為積極變革的推動者。

You're empowered when you're helping other people.

當你幫助他人時，你就會獲得力量。

When you give love, you get love.

付出愛，就會得到愛。

That's the bottom line is what it comes down to.

這就是底線。

And so all of these experiments find kind of the same thing.

是以，所有這些實驗都發現了同樣的問題。

If you put two groups randomly selected of people, one group is playing board games and the other is helping, you know, sixth graders with their math.

如果隨機抽取兩組人，一組玩棋盤遊戲，另一組幫助六年級學生學習數學。

The ones helping sixth graders with their math will have a mood boost for days afterward.

幫助六年級學生學習數學的人，事後幾天都會心情舒暢。

I mean, this is just helping other people.

我的意思是，這只是在幫助別人。

Helps you not focus on the psychodrama inside Steve's head.

讓你不再專注於史蒂夫腦海中的心理劇。

And it makes it so that life actually has a transcendent aspect to it.

它使生活實際上有了超越的一面。

You get perspective.

你會明白的。

You get peace.

你會得到平靜。

And furthermore, you get empirical confirmation that you are that person that you want to be.

此外，你還會得到經驗的證實，證明你就是你想成為的那個人。