Couple years ago, I finally quit driving.

幾年前，我終於放棄了開車。

Oh my God, I am so much happier now, for real.

天哪，我現在真的開心多了。

For real.

真的

No, I am.

不，是我。

I'm not a fan of any form of transportation where I can become a murderer by accident.

我不喜歡任何交通工具，一不小心就會成為殺人犯。

If I kill you, I want you to know the reason why.

如果我殺了你，我想讓你知道原因。

I don't want it to be because I have ADD and poor eyesight, and I got distracted by a cool billboard.

我不希望是因為我有注意力缺失症，視力又不好，被一個很酷的廣告牌吸引了注意力。

I'm driving along, whoa, the McWhat is back.

我開著車，哇，麥什麼又回來了。

Another mother loses her son.

又一位母親失去了兒子。

It was gonna happen eventually.

事情終究會發生的

Not on my watch.

在我的眼皮底下

So now I take the bus.

所以我現在坐公車。

That is how I get around LA.

這就是我在洛杉磯的出行方式。

I took the bus to this very show tonight.

我今晚就是坐公車來看這場演出的。

Sure, I'm not a hero, I'm a coward, but sure.

當然，我不是個英雄，我是個懦夫，但我是個英雄。

I love taking the bus.

我喜歡坐公車。

I genuinely love it.

我真的很喜歡。

But people have weird ideas about public transportation in America.

但在美國，人們對公共交通有著奇怪的想法。

A lot of people in this country wouldn't even consider taking public transportation if they had the means to do otherwise, right?

在這個國家，很多人如果有條件，甚至不會考慮乘坐公共交通工具，不是嗎？

Like I'll show up to a restaurant and my friends will be like,

比如我去餐館吃飯，我的朋友們會說：

Adam, you took the bus here?

亞當，你坐公車來的？

Are you okay?

你還好嗎？

I've never taken the bus before.

我以前從沒坐過公車。

Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever met anyone who's ever taken the bus before.

仔細想想，我還真沒見過坐過公車的人。

Why?

為什麼？

I thought those were ghost buses.

我還以為是幽靈巴士呢

Ferrying spectral passengers across the River Styx.

將幽靈般的乘客送過冥河。

And I have to be like, no, it's full of normal people like you and me.

而我必須說，不，裡面都是像你我這樣的普通人。

You could give it a try sometime.

有機會你可以試試。

Costs a buck 75, takes you where you need to go.

只需 75 美元，就能帶你到你想去的地方。

Then they say something really weird.

然後他們說了一些非常奇怪的話。

They say, well, Adam, aren't you worried that it's a little bit dangerous to ride the bus?

他們說，亞當，你不擔心坐公車有點危險嗎？

And I can't believe I have to explain this to people, but no, I'm not.

我真不敢相信我還得向別人解釋這些，但不，我沒有。

Because every single year, tens of thousands of people are brutally killed behind the wheels of their own cars.

因為每年都有數以萬計的人在自己的車輪下慘遭殺害。

Nobody is dying on the bus.

沒有人死在公車上。

It never fucking happens.

這他媽從未發生過。

The buses are a hundred feet long.

巴士有一百英尺長。

They're bright orange.

它們是亮橙色的。

Even drunks can see them.

即使是醉漢也能看到它們。

You want to see what a bad bus crash looks like?

你想看看公車嚴重失事的樣子嗎？

It looks like this.

看起來是這樣的

Whoa.

哇哦

Open the door, I'm getting off here.

開門，我要下車了

That's all that happens.

事情就是這樣。

Now, I understand not everybody feels completely secure on public transportation.

現在，我明白不是每個人都能在公共交通上感到完全安全。

And that's really real.

這真的很真實。

You know, my female friends will tell me that they're a little bit worried they could be sexually harassed and or masturbated at on the bus.

我的女性朋友會告訴我，她們有點擔心在公車上會被性騷擾或手淫。

And to that, I say, yes, you will be.

對此，我要說，是的，你會的。

It's going to happen every week to a fortnight.

每隔一週到兩週就會發生一次。

But that's why I think it's so important for the rest of us to ride the bus more frequently so that we can improve the masturbator to non-masturbator ratio.

但正因為如此，我認為我們其他人更頻繁地乘坐公車非常重要，這樣才能提高手淫者與非手淫者的比例。

Because think about it, think about it.

因為想想看，想想看。

If there's more of us than there are of them, then we can be a human shield.

如果我們的人數比他們多，那麼我們就可以成為人肉盾牌。

Like when I see a guy whip it out, I body block him.

比如，當我看到一個人揮舞鞭子時，我會用身體擋住他。

I look right at it.

我正看著它。

No, no, no, ma'am.

不，不，不，夫人。

You go back to your novel.

你回去寫你的小說。

I'll watch this dick for you.

我幫你看著這傢伙

Let's go, sir.

走吧，先生

Your stop's coming up.

你的站快到了

You don't have all day.

你沒有一整天的時間。

Tell you what, let me help you out.

這樣吧，我來幫你。

Thank you.

謝謝。

Glad you enjoyed that.

很高興你喜歡。

I mean, guys, I know it's hard to comprehend, you know, living in the middle of a car culture like we have here in LA or in most parts of this country.

我的意思是，夥計們，我知道這很難理解，要知道，生活在汽車文化中間，就像我們在洛杉磯或這個國家的大部分地區一樣。

But I want you to think for a second about how fucking crazy driving is as a system of transportation.

但我想讓你們想一想，作為一種交通系統，開車是多麼他媽的瘋狂。

It makes no sense at all.

這完全說不通。

And we've only been doing it for a couple generations.

而我們只做了幾代人。

I have to believe that a couple generations from now, we're gonna have something better, right?

我必須相信，幾代人之後，我們會有更好的東西，對嗎？

People will have self-driving cars.

人們將擁有自動駕駛汽車。

God willing, we'll have better public transportation.

上帝保佑，我們會有更好的公共交通。

I think our grandkids are gonna be baffled that this is how we got around.

我想我們的孫子孫女一定會大吃一驚，原來我們是這樣生活的。

They're gonna be like, hold on a second, Granddad.

他們會說 等一下 爺爺

You're trying to tell me that in your day, every single person drove a two-ton metal vehicle at speeds up to 90 miles an hour, and we'll be like, oh, yes, yes, we all did it, yes.

你是想告訴我，在你的時代，每個人都開著兩噸重的金屬車，時速高達 90 英里，而我們會說，哦，是的，是的，我們都這麼幹過，是的。

Teenagers did it.

是青少年乾的。

Alcoholics did it.

酗酒者做到了。

Dads with undiagnosed rage issues did it.

未被診斷出有暴怒問題的爸爸們就是這樣做的。

Yeah, we all did it all day long.

是啊，我們整天都這樣。

How did you know that people could do this safely?

你怎麼知道人們可以安全地這樣做？

Did they train you to do it like a pilot?

他們訓練你像飛行員那樣做嗎？

Oh, no.

哦，不

They just gave you one 20-minute long test when you were barely past puberty, and then they just never checked again.

他們只是在你剛過青春期時給你做了一次長達 20 分鐘的檢查，然後就再也沒檢查過了。

Yeah.

是啊

Yeah, we just kind of assumed you were good until something went wrong.

是啊，我們一直以為你很好，直到出了問題。

Oh, my God, I mean, that sounds really dangerous.

哦，天哪，我是說，這聽起來真的很危險。

Oh, yeah, a lot of people died.

哦，是的，死了很多人。

Yeah, we used to kill each other every day that way.

是啊，我們以前每天都這樣互相殘殺。

Oh, you'd be driving along, and then you'd see a car just like yours smashed to pieces on the side of the highway, blood running through the streets, brain matter on the pavement, and you'd say, well, that's crazy, and then you'd just keep on driving.

你會說，這太瘋狂了，然後繼續開車。

That was the price we were all willing to pay for going to Starbucks.

這就是我們去星巴克願意付出的代價。

Oh, my God, well, there must have been some redeeming quality that made you build your entire society around these machines.

哦，天哪，一定有什麼可取之處，讓你們圍繞著這些機器建立起整個社會。

Was it a particularly cheap way to get around?

這是一種特別便宜的出行方式嗎？

Oh, no, it was hideously expensive, too.

哦，不，它也貴得嚇人。

Yes, it cost tens of thousands of dollars to purchase the vehicle, and then you had to spend hundreds a month to fuel it, repair it, and purchase insurance for it.

是的，購買這輛車需要花費數萬美元，然後每月還需要花費數百美元來加油、維修和購買保險。

Oh, you'll find this funny.

哦，你會發現這很有趣。

In my day, most people couldn't afford health insurance for their own bodies, but the government would force you to buy insurance for your Toyota Corolla.

在我那個年代，大多數人都買不起自己身體的醫療保險，但政府會強迫你為你的豐田花冠買保險。

It...

它...

It...

它...

It was a very stupid time we all lived in.

我們生活在一個非常愚蠢的時代。

Oh, my God, Granddad, well, if it was so expensive and so deadly, at the very least, you gotta be able to tell me that it was a quick and convenient way to get around.

哦，天哪，爺爺，好吧，如果它是如此昂貴，如此致命，至少，你得能告訴我，它是一種快捷方便的出行方式。

Oh.

哦。

Quite the fucking opposite, actually.

其實恰恰相反。

Yes, we'd each spend upwards of three hours a day trapped in our tiny metal boxes, staring at the motionless rear of the box in front of us, listening to shitty true crime podcasts, and cursing our imprisonment.

是的，我們每個人每天都要花上三個多小時困在狹小的鐵盒子裡，盯著面前一動不動的盒子後部，聽著低劣的真實犯罪播客，詛咒我們的監禁。

Well, then, Granddad, why on earth did you love these machines so much?

那麼，爺爺，您到底為什麼這麼喜歡這些機器呢？

Well, they represented freedom to us.

對我們來說，他們代表著自由。

And, you know, sometimes there'd be a guy jerking off on the bus, so he didn't wanna take that.

有時候會有男人在車上打飛機 所以他不想坐那種車

All right, that was a long joke.

好吧，這個笑話有點長。

You guys don't have ADD.

你們沒有注意力缺失症。

Good job.

幹得好

Thank you.

謝謝。

Good job.

幹得好