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For a long time, it can seem as if we are just unlucky in love. We spent three years with one person and sadly, it was very tumultuous and in the end, they left us for someone they met at work. Then came another partner who, after a promising start, turned out to be rather cold and disdainful. Then there was our most recent friend who, though undoubtedly tender in parts, could never be wholly present in or committed to the relationship. All this can seem like a series of accidents until, very slowly, perhaps prompted by a kind and clever friend or psychotherapist, we may grow better able to study our patterns. Whatever we tell ourselves, it may be that we have, for a long time, been picking characters who, we must somewhere inside us know, will not allow matters to flourish. We may have been studiously avoiding a deeply troubling possibility, reciprocated love. And we may do so because our childhoods strongly versed us in the need to accommodate ourselves to a difficult or unavailable parent. In our early years, our leading emotional priority might have been
在很長一段時間裡，我們的愛情似乎都很不幸。我們和一個人相處了三年，遺憾的是，這段感情非常波折，最後，對方為了工作中認識的一個人離開了我們。後來又有了另一個伴侶，在經歷了一個充滿希望的開始之後，他變得相當冷漠和不屑一顧。然後是我們最近的朋友，雖然他在某些方面無疑是溫柔的，但他永遠無法全身心地投入到這段關係中。所有這一切看起來都像是一系列的意外，直到慢慢地，也許是在一位善良而聰明的朋友或心理治療師的提示下，我們才逐漸能夠更好地研究我們的模式。無論我們對自己說了些什麼，我們可能長期以來一直在選擇一些角色，而我們
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How can I survive around someone who should love me properly but doesn't? And even more importantly, how can I ensure that I am not even aware of my deprivation? When they have no alternative but to suffer, children have a highly disturbing yet necessary facility either to overlook or to reconfigure the sources of their own neglect. So good may have we become at selective blindness, it may now influence the way we approach every candidate on our path. To combat our weakness, we might, after any set of promising dates, ask ourselves a frank question. Do we really, really think that this person might have the psychological equipment to allow for a kind and emotionally mature relationship to develop? To extend our questioning, we might turn over some of the following. Could they be our equal or are we fated to always be the more senior partner? How capable could they be of looking after us as we look after them? Where is this situation likely to be in two years' time and five or ten? They may look lovely, but how wise are they? What reserves of stability and goodness might they have? We may be charmed by their wit and their air of drama, but can they ever stop acting the child and meet us as fellow adults? We may be moved by their distant melancholic air, but to what extent do their troubles allow them to engage with anyone else? They may have an impressive career, but could it sometimes be put aside for our sake? In short, if our life depended on it, and in a way it does, should we be proceeding?
我該如何在一個應該好好愛我卻不愛我的人身邊生存？更重要的是，我怎樣才能確保自己根本意識不到自己被剝奪了什麼？在別無選擇、只能受苦受難的時候，孩子們有一種非常令人不安卻又必要的能力，那就是要麼忽略自己被忽視的根源，要麼重新組合自己被忽視的根源。我們可能已經變得如此善於選擇性失明，它現在可能會影響我們對待我們道路上的每一個候選人的方式。為了克服我們的弱點，我們可以在任何一組有希望的約會之後，問自己一個坦率的問題。我們真的真的認為這個人有足夠的心理準備，可以發展出一種善意的、情感成熟的關係嗎？為了擴展我們的問題
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We should develop ears as sensitive as a rabbit's to telltale signs of emotional withholding, immaturity, trickiness and stuckness – the sort of ears that other people acquire without even noticing. Gradually, we should learn to do what we always claimed we were doing – looking for love, not ecstatic torment or fascinating indifference, exhausting evasion or bittersweet abandonment. We should take pride in flexing our newly discovered can-this-person-maturely-love-me muscle – and bringing it to bear on anyone who comes our way. It may be one of the most important faculties we are ever kind enough to ourselves to nurture.
我們應該像兔子一樣豎起耳朵，敏銳地捕捉情感隱忍、不成熟、狡猾和固執的蛛絲馬跡--別人在不知不覺中就會豎起這樣的耳朵。漸漸地，我們應該學會做我們一直聲稱在做的事情--尋找愛，而不是狂喜的折磨或迷人的冷漠、疲憊的逃避或苦樂參半的遺棄。我們應該自豪地施展我們新發現的 "這個人可以成熟地愛我 "的肌肉，並將其用於任何與我們接觸的人。這可能是我們培養自己的最重要的能力之一。
