But today's episode is going to be quite a bit different than my normal content, because I'm not going to be reading through Bible stories or deconstructing the teachings of Jesus.

但今天的節目將與我平時的內容有很大不同，因為我不會通讀《聖經》故事，也不會解構耶穌的教誨。

Instead, I want to share a very personal story that I think will be very relevant to the content that I make here.

相反，我想分享一個非常私人的故事，我認為它與我在這裡所做的內容非常相關。

I think it's important that ex-Christians, they share their stories of religious trauma.

我認為前基督徒分享他們的宗教創傷故事非常重要。

The whole purpose of this channel is to encourage critical thinking so that we can reduce harm.

本頻道的宗旨就是鼓勵批判性思維，從而減少傷害。

And we can cut down on the amount of harm that is being caused in the name of Jesus, God, Christianity, these ideologies.

我們可以減少以耶穌、上帝、基督教、這些意識形態的名義造成的傷害。

And so if I'm going to talk about the harm and talk about the religious trauma, I think it's only fair that I share my story.

是以，如果我要談論傷害，談論宗教創傷，我認為分享我的故事才是公平的。

And I talk about how it impacted me, because I am just one person in a sea of thousands, millions of other people who have also experienced religious trauma.

我講述了它對我的影響，因為我只是成千上萬、數百萬同樣經歷過宗教創傷的人中的一個。

I think it's really important that I share this story so that I can provide some background and context to why I'm here.

我認為分享這個故事真的很重要，這樣我就可以提供一些背景資料，讓大家知道我為什麼來這裡。

This is not an attempt to gain your sympathy or to make you feel bad for me.

這不是為了博取你的同情，也不是為了讓你為我感到難過。

This is something that happened to me a long time ago.

這是很久以前發生在我身上的事情。

It has deeply impacted me and my mental health, but I am healing.

它深深地影響了我和我的心理健康，但我正在痊癒。

And so this is not an attempt to gain sympathy from you.

是以，這並不是在博取你們的同情。

You do not need to feel bad for me.

你不必為我感到難過。

I'm okay.

我沒事

Secondly, this is not a story about why I lost my faith or why I'm no longer a Christian.

其次，這不是一個關於我為何失去信仰或為何不再是基督徒的故事。

A lot of times Christians tend to think that it is our church hurt or our religious trauma that causes us to lose faith.

很多時候，基督徒往往認為是我們在教會受到的傷害或宗教創傷導致了我們失去信仰。

But they don't realize that there's a lot of steps usually in between.

但他們沒有意識到，這中間通常還有很多步驟。

And that often the church hurt comes after we've already started questioning and losing our faith.

而教會的傷害往往是在我們已經開始質疑和失去信仰之後才出現的。

So it's really important that we make that distinction right up front.

是以，我們必須先把這一點區分開來。

I also want to say that even though this was incredibly traumatic for me and that I have experienced symptoms of PTSD since this event,

我還想說的是，儘管這件事給我造成了極大的創傷，而且自那次事件後，我出現了創傷後應激障礙的症狀、

I consider myself very lucky that this is the most traumatic thing that's happened to me.

我認為自己很幸運，這是我經歷過的最痛苦的事情。

Because there's a lot of people out there that have experienced a lot worse.

因為有很多人經歷過更糟糕的事情。

But one thing that I've learned about trauma is that it does not care who else has experienced what.

但關於創傷，我學到的一點是，它並不關心其他人經歷了什麼。

You don't get to choose what traumatizes you.

你無法選擇什麼會給你帶來創傷。

You don't get to choose what impacts you negatively.

你無法選擇對你產生負面影響的事物。

That it just does.

就是這樣。

And it's just something you have to live with and deal with.

這是你必須面對和處理的問題。

And that's what I'm doing.

這就是我正在做的。

So just a quick background.

簡單介紹一下背景。

A lot of you might know this.

你們很多人可能都知道這一點。

Many of you might not.

你們中的許多人可能不知道。

I was born and raised Southern Baptist.

我是土生土長的南方浸信會教徒。

I said the prayer to be saved at five years old.

我五歲的時候就做了得救的禱告。

I said it again at 14.

14 歲時我又說了一遍。

And though I was raised in a very strict fundamentalist culture, we were also Baptists.

雖然我是在非常嚴格的原教旨主義文化中長大的，但我們也是浸禮會教徒。

And if you know anything about Baptists, they can be pretty wishy-washy.

如果你對浸禮會有所瞭解，就會發現他們非常躊躇滿志。

Okay?

好嗎？

Like one foot in the church, one foot in the world.

就像一隻腳在教會，一隻腳在世界。

So that kind of gives you some idea of how I was raised.

是以，你可以大致瞭解我是如何長大的。

It was very much, our religion was very much for show.

在很大程度上，我們的宗教在很大程度上是擺設。

But at home, it was a lot more relaxed.

但在家裡就輕鬆多了。

And up until I was about 14, 15, my upbringing was, I think, relatively normal.

在我 14、15 歲之前，我的成長環境相對正常。

Though very steeped in that Southern Christian culture.

雖然深受南方基督教文化的影響。

I was allowed to listen to secular music.

我被允許聽世俗音樂。

I was allowed to watch secular TV.

我被允許看世俗電視。

But then when I was about 14, I rededicated my life to Jesus.

但在我 14 歲左右時，我重新把生命獻給了耶穌。

And then from there on out, I really got serious about my faith.

從那時起，我開始認真對待自己的信仰。

And very devoted to Jesus.

對耶穌非常虔誠

And I think this also kind of encouraged my home life and my family.

我認為這也鼓勵了我的家庭生活和家人。

They, too, got a lot more devout.

他們也變得更加虔誠。

And I'd say I was a bit of a golden child in my family.

我可以說是家裡的金童。

I had a very large family.

我有一個大家庭。

Lots of aunts and uncles and cousins.

有很多姨媽、舅舅和表親。

And I was the firstborn.

而我是長子。

So I had a lot of responsibility to do things the right way and to be an example.

是以，我有很大的責任以正確的方式做事，併成為榜樣。

And so I took that role very seriously.

是以，我非常認真地對待這個角色。

And I devoted myself to the teachings of Jesus and to the church.

我全身心地投入到耶穌的教誨和教會中。

And then when I was about 17, I really started questioning what I believed.

大約 17 歲時，我開始質疑自己的信仰。

Because I was being exposed to new ideologies.

因為我接觸到了新的意識形態。

I was digging deeper into the Bible.

我在《聖經》中挖掘得更深了。

And I had a lot of questions.

我有很多問題要問。

A lot of questions that people couldn't answer.

很多問題人們都無法回答。

So I started really digging into it for myself.

於是，我開始自己深入研究。

Trying to figure out what I believed.

我想知道我相信什麼。

And when I was around 18, I started going to a different church.

大約 18 歲時，我開始去另一個教會。

Because I felt like the church that I was raised in wasn't really aligning with what I was finding out about the Bible and about Jesus.

因為我覺得我成長的教會與我所發現的《聖經》和耶穌並不一致。

And so I wanted to kind of branch out and try something new.

是以，我想嘗試一些新的東西。

So my family went to their church.

於是，我家人就去了他們的教堂。

And I went to my church on Sundays.

我星期天去教堂。

And through that process, I only got more confused.

而在這個過程中，我只會更加困惑。

I realized that Christianity was vast.

我意識到基督教的博大精深。

There were a lot of beliefs within it.

其中有很多信仰。

That everyone who claimed to be a Christian had their own idea about who Jesus was and what the Bible said.

每個自稱是基督徒的人都對耶穌是誰以及《聖經》的內容有自己的看法。

And I just, through my searching and my desperation of trying to find God and trying to find the truth, I became more confused.

我只是，通過我的尋找，通過我試圖找到上帝和試圖找到真理的絕望，我變得更加困惑。

And very tired.

而且非常疲憊。

Very, very tired of trying to figure things out.

非常、非常疲憊地試圖搞清楚事情。

So I kind of put my relationship with God on pause.

是以，我暫停了與上帝的關係。

I didn't give up.

我沒有放棄。

I didn't stop being a Christian.

我沒有停止做一名基督徒。

I still considered myself a Christian.

我仍然認為自己是一名基督徒。

I still believed in God.

我仍然相信上帝。

Believed in Jesus.

相信耶穌

But I didn't know what to believe about God and Jesus.

但我不知道該如何相信上帝和耶穌。

I just wanted to live my life.

我只想過自己的生活。

And I wanted to go out with my friends.

我想和朋友們一起出去玩。

And I wanted to be a normal 18-year-old girl.

我想做一個正常的 18 歲女孩。

And so I stopped going to church.

於是我不再去教堂了。

I stopped reading the Bible.

我不再讀聖經了。

And I was still living at home.

而我還住在家裡。

But I was kind of doing my own thing.

但我一直在做自己的事情。

I lived in a college town, so there was always partying going on.

我住在大學城，所以經常有聚會。

And I was making friends that were going to these parties.

我交到了很多朋友，他們都會參加這些派對。

And so I, too, started going to these parties and living a little bit more of that worldly lifestyle that they warn you about in the church.

於是，我也開始參加這些聚會，過上了他們在教會里警告你的那種世俗的生活方式。

And this caused a lot of concern in my family.

這讓我的家人非常擔心。

They were seeing me do these things.

他們看到我做這些事情。

They didn't like it.

他們不喜歡這樣。

I was kind of butt in heads with my parents for a while.

有一段時間，我和父母鬧得很僵。

And one day I actually tried to move out.

有一天，我真的想搬出去住。

I moved in with someone that I knew at that time who offered me kind of a temporary place to stay.

我搬到了當時認識的一個人家裡，他給了我一個臨時住處。

I just kind of packed up my stuff and left and decided I was going to go out on my own.

我收拾好東西就走了，決定自己出去闖一闖。

And I had all my stuff, like, packed up in trash bags in the back of my car.

我把所有的東西都裝在垃圾袋裡，放在車後座上。

I was at work one day, and I came out to my car, and all of my trash bags were gone.

有一天，我正在上班，走到車旁一看，我所有的垃圾袋都不見了。

All of my stuff was not in my car.

我所有的東西都不在車裡。

And there was a note on my car from my family, my parent, that told me to come home.

我的車上有一張字條，是我的家人，我的父母，讓我回家的。

They wanted me to come home.

他們希望我回家。

They had keys to my car because my car was financed by my parents.

他們有我的車鑰匙，因為我的車是我父母資助的。

Though I had a job and I was working, I had been kind of working to move out, and they didn't want me to move out.

雖然我有工作，我在工作，但我一直在為搬出去而努力，他們不想讓我搬出去。

It was a whole thing.

這是一個整體。

But my mom had a key to my car, and she came.

但我媽媽有我車的鑰匙，她就來了。

She took all my stuff, left a note, told me to come home.

她拿走了我所有的東西，留了張字條，讓我回家。

And I really didn't have a choice.

我真的別無選擇。

I had to go home because that's where all my stuff was.

我必須回家，因為我的東西都在那裡。

My clothes and everything I had.

我的衣服和我的一切

I was not raised in a way that prepared me to live out in the real world.

我的成長方式並沒有讓我做好在現實世界中生活的準備。

My parents wanted me to stay home to live there until I got married and then move in with my husband.

我的父母希望我留在家裡生活，直到我結婚，然後搬去和我丈夫一起住。

Or my husband and I could move in there temporarily and then move out.

或者，我和丈夫可以暫時搬進去，然後再搬出來。

They very much wanted me under their roof.

他們非常希望我在他們的屋簷下。

So I was just not prepared.

所以我沒有做好準備。

And so I realized that, and I went home.

於是我意識到這一點，就回家了。

And I was there for a little while.

我在那裡待了一會兒。

And then one day, I was coming home from work.

然後有一天，我下班回家。

I saw a vehicle in the drive that belonged to an aunt and uncle of mine that didn't really come around very often.

我在車道上看到了一輛車，那是我的一位叔叔阿姨的車，他們並不經常來這裡。

And I walked in, and my aunt came up to me, and she asked if she could talk to me in private.

我走進去，姨媽走過來，問我能不能和她單獨談談。

So we went to my room.

於是我們去了我的房間。

My mother opened the door to my room and asked me to step out into the living room.

母親打開我房間的門，讓我走到客廳。

It's funny because I remember I was wearing, I had changed into comfy clothes for the house.

這很有趣，因為我記得我當時穿著，我已經換上了舒適的衣服在家裡。

And I was wearing like these, I don't know, just normal shorts and a tank top.

我當時就穿著這樣的衣服，我也不知道，就是普通的短褲和背心。

And she said, I need you to change your clothes.

她說，我需要你換件衣服。

And I thought that was really weird because I was like, why do I need to change my clothes?

我覺得這很奇怪，因為我想，為什麼我需要換衣服？

My family is here.

我的家人在這裡

It's just my dad out there, you know.

外面只有我爸爸，你知道嗎？

And she's like, just do it.

她就說，就這麼做吧。

Your father's out there, so change your clothes.

你父親就在外面，快換衣服。

Which, that's a whole other thing, you know.

這就是另外一回事了，你知道的。

If we're telling teenage girls to change their clothes because a grown man has been invited to the house and can't see her in a tank top,

如果我們告訴十幾歲的女孩換衣服，是因為一個成年男子被邀請到家裡來，不能看到她穿著背心、

I think that that says a lot more about the grown man than it does the teenage girl.

我認為這對成年男子的影響比對少女的影響更大。

But regardless, I changed my clothes, and I walked out into the living room.

但不管怎樣，我還是換了衣服，走到客廳。

And when I got out there, the living room had been set up like intervention style, like all the, you know, big circle of chairs.

當我到那裡時，客廳已經佈置得像干預式一樣，就像所有的椅子一樣，你知道，一大圈椅子。

And there were all these people there.

那裡有很多人。

They had all planned it to arrive when I was being talked to in my room.

他們都計劃好了，要在我在房間裡被談話時到達。

They all came into the house.

他們都進了屋。

There were 12 people there, including the pastor at the church, friends of my parents, my grandparents.

當時有 12 個人在場，包括教堂的牧師、我父母的朋友、我的祖父母。

There were aunts and uncles there.

那裡有叔叔阿姨。

And there were my Sunday school teacher and a friend from church who was kind of like a mentor.

還有我的主日學老師和一位教會朋友，他們就像是我的良師益友。

They were all there with their Bibles and tissues.

他們都帶著《聖經》和紙巾。

And some of them were crying.

有些人還哭了。

I was asked to sit on the couch in between my grandparent and my parent with everybody circled around me looking at me.

我被要求坐在爺爺奶奶和爸爸媽媽中間的沙發上，所有人都圍著我看著我。

And I'm trying to not be specific with who did what, because this is not about that.

我不想具體說明誰做了什麼，因為這與此無關。

And I'm not trying to put blame on people or to expose people.

我不是要指責別人，也不是要揭露別人。

So you might hear me just say parent or a person, because I'm trying to tell this story without getting too personal about other people.

所以，你可能會聽到我只說父母或某個人，因為我想在講述這個故事時，不要太涉及其他人的隱私。

But a parent had a stack of papers.

但一位家長有一疊文件。

I was like, I don't know, like this.

我當時想，我不知道，就像這樣。

I don't know.

我不知道。

In my memory, it was like this thick, but it was probably only like this thick.

在我的記憶中，它有這麼厚，但可能只有這麼厚。

And it was sitting in their lap.

它就坐在他們的腿上。

And it turns out that these papers were printouts of all of my online activity, my emails, messages between friends on Facebook, text messages, Internet activity.

原來，這些文件是我所有在線活動的打印件，包括我的電子郵件、Facebook 上朋友之間的資訊、簡訊和互聯網活動。

Because my parents had installed a program on my computer, unknown to me when I was gone at some point, to keep track of me and to log everything that I was doing.

因為我的父母在我的電腦上安裝了一個我不知道的程序，當我不在的時候，這個程序會跟蹤我，記錄我所做的一切。

It basically tracked everything, made a recording, and then sent that to them so that they could see who I was talking to, what I was doing, where I was going, even though I was an adult.

它基本上跟蹤了所有事情，錄了音，然後發送給他們，這樣他們就能看到我在和誰說話、在做什麼、去了哪裡，儘管我已經是成年人了。

I was 18 years old.

那年我 18 歲。

And that is illegal.

這是違法的。

It is illegal to install that on anybody's computer device that doesn't know about it that is over the age of 18.

在 18 歲以上、不知情的任何人的電腦設備上安裝這種軟件都是非法的。

So they had been tracking all of everything.

所以他們一直在追蹤所有的事情。

They had been watching me, basically, trying to keep tabs on me to make sure that I wasn't doing anything crazy.

基本上，他們一直在監視我，試圖監視我，確保我沒有做任何瘋狂的事情。

And they were holding on to that stack.

而他們卻一直守著那堆東西。

I assume they had showed other people there my own private, my private life, my private conversations.

我想他們已經向在場的其他人展示了我的私人生活和私人談話。

And they went around in a circle talking about how I was making really bad choices, that I was going down a really bad path, and that I needed to turn back to Jesus.

他們圍著我轉了一圈，說我做了非常糟糕的選擇，我正走在一條非常糟糕的路上，我需要回到耶穌身邊。

And they took turns.

他們輪番上陣。

The pastor said some words.

牧師說了幾句話。

My parents said some words.

我父母說了幾句話。

And to be honest, a lot of it is a blur.

老實說，很多事情都很模糊。

I really don't remember much of what was said or really anything that was said because I just remember sitting there in shock.

我真的不記得說了什麼，也不記得說了什麼，因為我只記得我坐在那裡，驚呆了。

I was just in shock.

我簡直驚呆了。

I felt cornered.

我感到走投無路。

I felt attacked.

我感覺受到了攻擊。

I felt embarrassed because I'm like, what do these people know about me?

我覺得很尷尬，因為我想，這些人對我瞭解多少？

You know, what kind of what bits of my private life have been exposed to all these people that I didn't invite them to know about me?

你知道，我的哪些私生活片段被暴露給了這些人，而我並沒有邀請他們瞭解我？

And I think my head was just like spinning and I was just sitting there frozen and afraid.

我覺得我的腦袋在天旋地轉，呆呆地坐在那裡，害怕極了。

I remember at one point I just kind of stopped and I was like, I appreciate all of your concern.

我記得有一次我停了下來，我想，我很感謝你們的關心。

I love you all.

我愛你們

But this is crazy.

但這太瘋狂了。

This this is a lot.

這可真不少。

This is really, really not OK.

這真的非常不好。

And it was actually at that point that my former Sunday school teacher and church mentor, they actually spoke up and they said, hey, can we pull you outside for a minute?

就在這時，我以前的主日學老師和教會導師開口了，他們說，嘿，我們能把你拉出去一會兒嗎？

Can we just talk to you, please?

我們能和你談談嗎？

And I agreed.

我同意了。

They actually apologized and they said that.

他們真的道歉了，他們是這麼說的。

They did not know what that was going to be.

他們不知道那會是什麼。

They didn't realize that they were ambushing me, that the parent that had reached out to them to ask them to show up told them that I was seeking help, that I was wanting to come back to Jesus and that I needed support around me.