A relationship between one person who is, as psychologists put it, anxiously attached and another who is avoidantly attached.

正如心理學家所說，一個人是焦慮依戀者，另一個人是迴避依戀者。

There is, in such couplings, a constant game of push and pull.

在這種耦合中，推力和拉力不斷博弈。

The anxiously attached party typically complains, more or less loudly, that their partner is not responsive enough.

焦慮依戀的一方通常會或多或少地大聲抱怨自己的伴侶反應不夠靈敏。

They accuse them of being emotionally distant, withholding, cold and perhaps physically uninterested too.

他們指責對方在感情上疏遠自己、隱忍、冷漠，或許在身體上也不感興趣。

The avoidant lover, for their part, stays relatively quiet but in their more fed-up moments complains that the anxious party is far too demanding, possibly mad and, as they put it pejoratively, needy.

迴避型戀人則相對保持沉默，但在他們比較厭煩的時候，會抱怨焦慮型戀人的要求太高，可能是瘋了，用他們貶義的話說，是有需要。

One person seems to want far too much, the other far too little.

一個人似乎想要的太多，而另一個人則想要的太少。

The unhappiness unfolds in a cycle.

不快樂在循環中展開。

At the start, the anxious partner loves the avoidant one with great intensity but in time, also growing frustration.

一開始，焦慮的伴侶會非常強烈地愛著迴避的伴侶，但隨著時間的推移，也會越來越感到沮喪。

The dissatisfaction grows ever more intense until, eventually, one day, fed up with so much seeming rejection, the anxious partner overcomes their fears, decides they need something better and tells their lover that they're off.

這種不滿情緒越來越強烈，直到有一天，焦慮的伴侶厭倦了這麼多看似拒絕的行為，克服了恐懼，決定需要更好的東西，並告訴夫妻他們要走了。

At which point, the avoidant party undergoes a complete sea change.

這時，迴避的一方就會發生徹底的轉變。

Their greatest fear, that of being engulfed in love, disappears at a stroke and reveals something that is normally utterly submerged in their character a fear of being abandoned.

他們最大的恐懼--被愛情吞噬的恐懼--一下子消失了，暴露出他們性格中通常被完全淹沒的東西--被遺棄的恐懼。

Wholly liberated from the threat of being engulfed the anxious one may by now have packed their bags the avoidant one gives free reign to all their reserves of pent-up romanticism and ardour which feel utterly safe to bring out now that there seems so little danger of reciprocation.

由於完全擺脫了被吞沒的威脅，焦慮的人現在可能已經收拾好行囊，迴避的人則可以自由地釋放他們積蓄已久的浪漫主義和熱情，因為現在似乎很少有得到迴應的危險，所以他們覺得完全可以釋放出來。

Despite their fury, the anxious person hears the honeyed words and forthright promises and, after some initial doubts, can't help but be won over.

焦慮的人儘管怒火中燒，但聽到蜜語和直率的承諾，在最初的懷疑之後，還是會情不自禁地被征服。

The formerly distant partner appears to have become, in the nick of time, as they'd always wanted them to be a warm soul.

昔日疏遠的夥伴似乎在千鈞一髮之際變成了他們一直希望的溫暖的靈魂。

There is no reason not to return.

沒有理由不回來。

After all, it's not that they didn't love this person it was the feeling they weren't loved back that was making things impossible.

畢竟，他們並不是不愛這個人，而是覺得自己沒有得到愛，這讓事情變得不可能。

For a time, there is bliss and it seems that the couple are headed for long-term happiness.

一時間，幸福洋溢，這對夫婦似乎要走向長久的幸福。

Liberated from their anxiety around engulfment the avoidant partner gives free expression to love liberated from their fear of abandonment the anxious one is left feeling secure and trusting but soon enough, the problems return.

迴避型伴侶從被吞噬的焦慮中解脫出來，自由地表達愛意。焦慮型伴侶從被拋棄的恐懼中解脫出來，感到安全和信任，但很快，問題又回來了。

Things become, as it were, too nice for the avoidant partner.

對迴避型伴侶來說，事情變得太美好了。

It seems the anxious one isn't going to leave them anymore they're just going to stick around and seek ever greater closeness.

似乎焦慮的人不會再離開他們了，他們只是要堅持下去，尋求更多的親近。

And so, the old fear of engulfment returns.

於是，被吞噬的恐懼再次出現。

They have no option but to start to pull away again and get distant which gradually proves intolerable once again to the anxious partner.

在別無選擇的情況下，他們只能再次開始疏遠和疏遠，而這也逐漸再次證明了焦慮的伴侶是無法忍受的。

Within weeks or months, the pair are back in the same situation.

沒過幾周或幾個月，兩人又回到了同樣的境地。

Fierce arguments return the words needy and cold are once more in circulation.

激烈的爭論讓 "需要 "和 "冷漠 "這兩個詞再次成為流行語。

It's time for another crisis and another threat of departure.

又是一次危機，又是一次離開的威脅。

It may go on like this for years or a lifetime.

這種情況可能會持續數年或終生。

From the outside, it is almost funny from the inside, simply hellish.

從外面看，它近乎滑稽，從裡面看，簡直就是地獄。

There are a few ways out.

有幾條出路。

The avoidant party can realize and learn to tolerate their fear of engulfment.

迴避的一方可以意識到並學會容忍自己被吞噬的恐懼。

The anxious party can grow conscious of their unnatural pull towards unfulfilling people refuse to go back after a crisis and seek a future with more secure and reassuring sorts.

焦慮的一方可以逐漸意識到自己對不滿足的人的不自然的吸引力，拒絕在危機後回頭，尋求更安全、更令人放心的未來。

Or, yet more hopefully for the couple both partners could acquire the vocabulary of attachment theory.

或者，更希望夫妻雙方都能掌握依戀理論的詞彙。

They could come to observe their repetitions gain some insight into aspects of their childhoods that drive them on and learn not to act out their compulsions.

他們可以來觀察自己的重複行為，深入瞭解童年生活中驅使他們的因素，並學會不再強迫自己。

They can learn the games that they're unconsciously playing and then, to the relief of all who care for them and to the redemption of the relationship they can refuse to play them any longer.

他們可以瞭解自己在無意識中玩的遊戲，然後，為了讓所有關心他們的人感到欣慰，也為了挽救他們之間的關係，他們可以拒絕再玩這些遊戲。