The Daily Show presents Indecision 2024, the first presidential debate, again!

每日秀》（The Daily Show）再次推出 "決定 2024"，即第一場總統辯論！

Now with 50% less, oh man!

現在少了 50%，天哪！

Here's your host, Jon Stewart!

下面有請主持人喬恩-斯圖爾特！

Hello everybody!

大家好

Hello!

你好

Welcome to The Daily Show!

歡迎收看《每日秀》！

My name is Jon Stewart.

我叫喬恩-斯圖爾特

The second presidential debate has just wrapped up.

第二場總統辯論剛剛結束。

We are live, well technically, technically I guess this is the second presidential debate.

我們正在直播，嚴格來說，我想這是第二場總統辯論。

The first presidential debate of this matchup.

本場對決的第一場總統辯論。

I can't wait to see who the winner will take on next.

我迫不及待地想知道冠軍下一個對手是誰。

I think!

我想是的

Well, Comedy Alive, ladies and gentlemen, the stakes couldn't be higher as we all try and figure out who will be the next president of Paul Wynnev-Miazgank.

好了，《喜劇現場》，女士們先生們，現在的賭注再大不過了，因為我們都在試圖找出誰會成為保羅-溫尼耶夫-米亞茲甘克的下一任總裁。

It's an exciting night for citizens of that esteemed nation.

對於這個令人尊敬的國家的公民來說，這是一個激動人心的夜晚。

As the rest of us watch with great interest from the neighboring country of No One Gives a Shit-istan.

我們其他人則在鄰國 "沒人在乎的斯坦"（No One Gives a Shit-istan）饒有興趣地觀望著。

By the way, if you have any friends in Paul Wynnev-Miazgank, can you see if they can do anything about congestion pricing?

順便問一句，如果你在保羅-溫尼耶夫-米亞茲甘克有朋友，你能不能看看他們能不能為擁堵收費做點什麼？

Alright, forget it.

好吧，算了。

But so far, it seems like this presidential race is going to be a tight one.

但目前看來，這場總統競選將是一場激烈的角逐。

The election, now a dead heat.

現在的選舉，可謂勢均力敵。

Separated by razor thin margins.

相差無幾。

Neck and neck.

脖子和脖子

Feels like a jump all race right now.

現在感覺就像一場跳躍比賽。

For all intents and purposes, horseshoes and hand grenades, it's a coin flip.

就所有意圖和目的而言，馬蹄鐵和手榴彈都是投硬幣決定的。

The tightest race in a generation.

一代人中最激烈的競爭

As tight as it can get.

越緊越好

As tight as a tick.

像蝨子一樣緊

As tight as a too tight bathing suit and a too long car ride home from the beach.

就像太緊的泳衣和從海灘回家太長的車程一樣緊。

That seems very tight.

看起來很緊。

It's as tight as a teenage boy's pants during a Sidney Sweeney film festival.

它就像西德尼-斯威尼電影節期間一個十幾歲男孩的褲子一樣緊。

It's tighter than Sidney Sweeney's scheduling windows, given how busy she is with projects and in demand as a producer to say nothing of the...

這比西德尼-斯威尼（Sidney Sweeney）的日程安排還要緊湊，因為她忙於各種項目，作為製片人的需求量也很大，更不用說...

Anyway, she's very talented.

總之，她很有才華。

Of course, with an election this tight, it is important to build out a more diverse coalition, and recently, Donald Trump has picked up the unexpected support of former Democrats,

當然，在選情如此緊張的情況下，建立一個更加多元化的聯盟非常重要，最近，唐納德-特朗普意外地獲得了前民主黨人的支持、

RFK Jr. and Tulsi Gabbard, and might even have picked up one of Jeffrey Epstein's most esteemed former lawyers.

小肯尼迪（RFK Jr.）和圖爾西-加巴德（Tulsi Gabbard），甚至還可能選中傑弗裡-愛潑斯坦（Jeffrey Epstein）最受尊敬的前律師之一。

I am no longer a Democrat.

我不再是民主黨人了。

I am no longer a member of the Democratic Party.

我不再是民主黨黨員了。

This was not my party.

這不是我的黨派。

I just felt appalled when I watched the Democratic National Convention.

我在觀看民主黨全國代表大會時感到非常震驚。

I can't associate myself with the party itself.

我不能把自己與黨本身聯繫在一起。

No. Wait. Don't go.

不，等等別走

Oh, you're no longer in the Democratic Party, Alan Dershowitz?

哦，你不再是民主黨人了，艾倫-德肖維茨？

Alan Dershowitz?

艾倫-德肖維茨？

Well, guess what?

你猜怎麼著？

Democrats don't want you anyway, because the Democratic Party has standards, okay?

反正民主黨也不想要你，因為民主黨是有標準的，好嗎？

Last week, former Vice President Dick Cheney endorsed Vice President Harris.

上週，前副總統迪克-切尼支持副總統哈里斯。

Would you excuse me one second?

失陪一下

I don't know what came over me.

我不知道自己怎麼了。

Anyway, going into the debate, one thing was...

總之，在辯論中，有一點是...

I'm sorry. You know what?

對不起你知道嗎？

Dick Cheney, can you meet me over by camera one?

迪克・切尼，你能在一號攝影機那邊等我嗎？

Fuck off.

滾開

Seriously.

我說真的

Fuck off.

滾開

You came this close to destroying the entire world.

你差一點就毀了整個世界。

We were this close.

我們就差這麼一點。

Closer than a teenage boy's pants.

比少年的褲子還緊

No!

不

I'm not going to have any fun with this.

我可不想玩這個。

And by the way, who in God's name is that endorsement going to sway?

順便問一句，以上帝之名，誰會被這一背書所左右？

Well, I like the Democrats' policy on child tax credits, but are they bombing enough Middle Eastern countries?

我喜歡民主黨在兒童稅收抵免方面的政策，但他們對中東國家的轟炸還不夠嗎？

There's still some buildings standing.

還有一些建築屹立不倒。

Someone should really do something.

真的應該有人做點什麼。

I'm fine. It's fine.

我沒事沒事

Seriously, though.

不過，說真的。

Fuck that guy.

去他的

Now, obviously...

現在，顯然...

Oh, please.

哦，拜託

What an erudite takedown.

多麼博學的抨擊。

Obviously, each candidate was going to have their goals and strategies.

顯然，每位候選人都有自己的目標和策略。

For Kamala Harris, it was going to be quite a needle to thread.

對於卡馬拉-哈里斯來說，這將是一根相當難穿的針。

She's got, like, two minutes.

她只有兩分鐘時間

Is there anything else?

還有其他問題嗎？

Really?

真的嗎？

After doing all that?

做了這麼多？

You know, Trump was encouraged to take a simpler approach.

要知道，人們鼓勵特朗普採取更簡單的方法。

Kamala say everything.

卡馬拉什麼都說。

Trump say nothing.

特朗普一言不發。

But here's what you do, Mr. Former President.

但你要做的是，前總統先生。

If Kamala says something that surprises you, you just go...

如果卡馬拉說了什麼讓你吃驚的話，你就...

And if Kamala says something that makes you angry, you just go...

如果卡馬拉說了什麼讓你生氣的話，你就...

And if Kamala says something that makes you feel sexy time, you go...

如果卡馬拉說了什麼，讓你覺得性感的時間，你去...

Oh, yeah.

哦，是的

So those were the goals.

這些就是我們的目標。

Both candidates have now entered the arena.

現在，兩位候選人都已登場。

Biden and Trump did not greet each other.

拜登和特朗普沒有相互打招呼。

And Kamala...

而卡馬拉...

Oh, wait, she's going...

哦，等等，她要...

She went for the handshake, ladies and gentlemen.

女士們先生們，她去握手了。

What an incredible display of the awkward tension that happens when your son is dating a biracial girl and you meet her parents for the first time.

當你的兒子和一個雙性戀女孩約會，而你第一次見到她的父母時，那種尷尬緊張的氣氛真是令人難以置信。

Do I?

我有嗎？

Konnichiwa!

Konnichiwa！

As per tradition in American politics, the first question is always asked by the most handsome person in a 10 to 15 mile radius.

按照美國政治的傳統，第一個問題總是由方圓 10 到 15 英里內最英俊的人提出。

When it comes to the economy, do you believe Americans are better off than they were four years ago?

談到經濟，您認為美國人的經濟狀況比四年前好嗎？

Ooh, first, yowza.

哦，首先，喲哇。

Oh, yeah.

哦，是的

Second...

第二...

Answer the question, Ms. Vice President.

回答問題，副總統女士。

I imagine and have actually a plan to build what I call an opportunity economy.

我設想並實際制定了一項計劃，來建設我所說的機遇經濟。

My plan is to give a $50,000 tax deduction to start-up small businesses.

我的計劃是為新成立的小企業提供 5 萬美元的稅收減免。

I intend on extending a tax cut for those families of $6,000.

我打算為這些家庭延長 6000 美元的減稅政策。

Holy shit, we're one question in and we're all millionaires!

我靠，才問了一個問題，我們就都成百萬富翁了！

Oh, my God!

我的天啊

Donald, your response to the question, is the economy better now than it was four years ago?

唐納德，你對這個問題的回答是，現在的經濟比四年前好嗎？

We have millions of people pouring into our country from prisons and jails, from mental institutions and insane asylums.

數百萬人從監獄、看守所、精神病院和瘋人院湧入我國。

They're dangerous.

他們很危險

They're at the highest level of criminality.

他們是最高級別的罪犯。

They are taking over the towns.

他們正在佔領城鎮。

They're taking over buildings.

他們正在佔領建築物。

They're going in violently.

他們來勢凶猛。

Ladies and gentlemen,

女士們，先生們

I just want to say after surviving the PTSD of the last presidential debate, how unbelievably refreshing it is to go back to the same old, nobody's gonna answer any fucking questions!

我只想說，在經歷了上一場總統辯論的創傷後應激障礙之後，又回到了老一套，沒有人會回答任何問題，這是多麼令人難以置信的令人耳目一新！

This is unbelievable!

真是難以置信！

We're back!

我們回來了

America is back!

美國回來了

Yeah!

是啊

You ask them a question, they just turn the tide and answer whatever they want to answer.

你問他們一個問題，他們就翻臉不認人，想怎麼回答就怎麼回答。

And now that we're returning to the cliches, the standards of American political theater,

現在我們又回到了陳詞濫調，回到了美國政治戲劇的標準、

I think it's only fair if someone would do the honors of the first baseless ad hominem.

我認為，應該有人來做第一個毫無根據的人身攻擊，這樣才公平。

She's a Marxist.

她是馬克思主義者。

Everybody knows she's a Marxist.

大家都知道她是馬克思主義者

Her father's a Marxist professor in economics.

她的父親是一位馬克思主義經濟學教授。

And he taught her well.

他把她教得很好。

But when you look at what she's done to our country...

但當你看看她對我們國家做了什麼...

Oh, shit!

哦，該死

She's about to be like,

她就要像

Motherfucker, let's just do this.

操你媽的，就這麼幹吧

I'm gonna...

我要...

Boom, boom!

嘣，嘣

She's about to...

她即將...

A Marxist, she's about to open up a can of ass-capital on Donald Trump.

作為一個馬克思主義者，她即將對唐納德-特朗普大開殺戒。

Lindsay Davis, you better change the subject before the fingers on Kamala's hand unite.

林賽-戴維斯，你最好在卡馬拉的手指合攏之前換個話題。

I want to turn to the issue of abortion.

我想談談墮胎問題。

Oh, boy.

哦，天哪

I'm not superstitious, but this is where the wheels fell off for Biden.

我不迷信，但拜登就是在這個時候掉鏈子的。

He was asked about abortion, and he somehow spun it into why are immigrants raping people?

有人問他關於墮胎的問題，他不知怎麼就說成了為什麼移民要強姦別人？

And he ended with a classic phrase we'll never forget, and that's when we finally beat Medicare.

他最後說了一句我們永遠不會忘記的經典名言，那就是我們終於戰勝了醫療保險。

They're feeling it, too, ladies and gentlemen.

女士們先生們，他們也感覺到了。

As before, President Trump, you have the first crack at answering why you killed Roe v. Wade.

和以前一樣，特朗普總統，你有第一個機會來回答為什麼你殺了羅伊訴韋德案。

We've gotten what everybody wanted.

我們已經得到了大家想要的東西。

Democrats, Republicans, and everybody else, and every legal scholar wanted it to be brought back into the states.

民主黨人、共和黨人、其他人以及所有法律學者都希望將其帶回各州。

And the states are voting.

各州正在投票。

And I did something that nobody thought was possible.

我做了一件大家都覺得不可能的事。

Jon Stewart from the I Was Watching Show has a question for you.

我在看》節目的喬恩-斯圖爾特要問你一個問題。

Jon Stewart from the

喬恩-斯圖爾特從

I Was Watching This Live Times Picayune.

我正在觀看《時代郵報》的現場直播。

What you just said, yeah, that's actually insanely false.

你剛才說的，是的，那是完全錯誤的。

The majority of people wanted it.

大多數人都希望這樣。

You know what?

你知道嗎？

Kamala Harris, Kamala Harris, can you address this with a bit more eloquence?

卡馬拉-哈里斯，卡馬拉-哈里斯，你能再雄辯一點嗎？

I have talked with women around our country.

我曾與我國各地的婦女交談過。

You want to talk about this is what people wanted?

你想說這就是人們想要的嗎？

Pregnant women who want to carry a pregnancy to term, suffering from a miscarriage, suffering from a miscarriage, being denied care in an emergency room because the health care providers are afraid they might go to jail, and she's bleeding out in a car in the parking lot?

孕婦想要懷胎十月，卻因流產而痛苦不堪，在急診室被拒絕治療，因為醫護人員害怕他們可能會坐牢，而她卻在停車場的汽車裡失血過多？

She didn't want that?

她不想要嗎？

Holy shit.

我的媽呀

She crashed that?

她撞壞了那個？

This is like...

這就像...

This is like...

這就像...

What?

什麼？

This is like one of those Groundhog Day movies where you get to go back and fix the bad way that something happened earlier to the good way, and then you learn Italian and the piano, and then you get sad and then despondent, and then you learn how to love yourself.

這就像一部 "土撥鼠之日"（Groundhog Day）電影，你可以回到過去，把之前發生的壞事修復成好事，然後你會學習意大利語和鋼琴，然後你會悲傷，然後會絕望，然後你會學會如何愛自己。

Anyway, Trump will