This is way better than the last show I just did.

這比我剛做的上一場演出好多了。

They were all pieces of shit.

他們都是一坨屎。

That's how it was.

事情就是這樣。

Sometimes you don't get a good crowd.

有時候，你並不能吸引很多人。

Sometimes you get a good crowd.

有時，你會遇到很多人。

They're not great, but it's good.

它們不是很好，但也不錯。

Like, this crowd feels great, but it's gonna get good soon.

比如，這群人感覺很好，但很快就會好起來。

I feel like I'm one bad joke away from this feeling like a public pool.

我覺得我就差一個糟糕的笑話，這感覺就像一個公共遊泳池。

That's no one's first choice to swim, but it's a pool.

沒有人會選擇在這裡游泳，但這是一個游泳池。

I'm gonna be the band-aid you swim away from.

我會成為你遊開的Ok繃。

This is gonna be a fun night.

這將是一個有趣的夜晚

Look at this room tonight.

看看今晚的房間。

Look how we're all together in this room getting a new COVID variant.

看看我們是如何在這個房間裡一起獲得新的 COVID 變體的。

Don't you feel closer together knowing...

你們知道......

Because comedy brings people together.

因為喜劇能讓人們走到一起。

That's why I think politicians should be forced to do stand-up.

這就是為什麼我認為政客們應該被迫表演單口相聲。

If any politician did stand-up in history, they could have avoided controversy.

如果歷史上有政治家表演過單口相聲，他們本可以避免爭議。

I voted for Joe Biden, but that shit didn't feel great.

我投了喬-拜登一票，但那感覺糟透了。

Felt like I was giving Grandpa the keys to the Oldsmobile and telling him to drive to California.

感覺就像我把老爺車的鑰匙給了爺爺，讓他開車去加利福尼亞。

That was the best of a bad situation.

這是糟糕情況下的最好結果。

I give credit where credit is due.

我把功勞歸於他人。

I'm probably the most pro-anti-Trump comic out there.

我可能是最支持反特朗普的漫畫家了。

Shut the fuck up!

閉上你的臭嘴

I'm not.

我沒有。

Yes, I wasn't.

是的，我沒有。

You just tuned in.

你剛剛收聽了。

For what?

為了什麼？

What are you upset about?

你在煩惱什麼？

It's not me.

不是我

No, and shut up.

不，閉嘴。

Any black person that would try to laugh at his fucking jokes?

有哪個黑人會因為他的笑話而發笑？

No.

不

Stop having fun, motherfuckers!

別玩了，混蛋們

Go ahead, yeah.

說吧

Stop having fun.

別玩了

Can we get her an ad or something?

我們能給她做個廣告什麼的嗎？

Wow.

哇

Are you serious?

你是認真的嗎？

Yeah, no.

是啊，沒有。

That's what happens.

事情就是這樣。

No.

不

You're white, trying to talk about...

你是白人，試圖談論...

My probation officer is here now.

我的緩刑監督官來了

I don't know who the fuck you're mad at, but it's not me.

我不知道你在生誰的氣，但不是我。

No, a white person trying to make fun of black people.

不，是一個白人想取笑黑人。

See, now you're crying.

看，現在你哭了。

I was just trying to make you laugh.

我只是想逗你笑。

No, don't do that.

不，別這麼做。

Okay, I'm sorry.

好吧，我很抱歉。

Now I'm going to make fun.

現在我要取笑你了。

I was trying to be empathetic.

我只是想換位思考。

It wasn't funny.

這一點都不好笑。

It was not.

事實並非如此。

No.

不

I don't care.

我不在乎

You trying to laugh at that shit.

你還想笑

How dare I at a comedy clip?

我怎麼敢看喜劇片段？

She came here for a TED Talk.

她是來參加 TED 演講的。

Everybody knows you go to the basement for political opinion.

大家都知道你去地下室是為了瞭解政治觀點。

I don't even know what he's saying, but this shit sounds tense.

我甚至不知道他在說什麼，但這聽起來很緊張。

You're a bitch.

你是個婊子

Why do you think I'm doing this for a living?

你以為我為什麼要以此為生？

You think I was a football player?

你以為我是橄欖球運動員？

I'm a bitch, goddammit.

我是個婊子，該死的。

There's nothing you can say to me.

你對我無話可說。

I haven't said six inches from the mirror.

我可沒說離鏡子六英寸。

You're the first name going in my suicide note tonight.

你是我今晚遺書上的第一個名字。

Have a good night, Kamala Harris.

晚安 卡馬拉-哈里斯

Now's the time I need you on my side.

現在我需要你站在我這邊。

No, that was the most racist joke ever.

不，這是史上最種族歧視的笑話。

No, I got like four more in the chamber.

不，我的槍膛裡還有四發子彈。

No, Kamala Harris.

不，是卡馬拉-哈里斯。

Wait, don't drop the scarf, man.

等等，別把圍巾掉了，夥計。

That was three dollars at Dollar Tree, man.

那是在美元樹買的三塊錢 夥計

Madden, bitch.

麥登，賤人

Pick up the gun she left under the chair.

撿起她放在椅子下面的槍。

Are you serious?

你是認真的嗎？

I'm so horny for no reason right now.

我現在無緣無故就很飢渴。

Don't bully me, I'll come, bitch.

別欺負我，我會來的，婊子。

Okay, wait, hold on.

好吧，等一下

Focus, focus, focus, focus, focus.

專注，專注，專注，專注，專注。

Before I do my last joke.

在我講最後一個笑話之前

Can I ask you a question?

我能問你一個問題嗎？

What part was I being racist at?

我哪一點有種族歧視？

I didn't even get to my Jim Crow jokes yet.

我還沒講到 "吉姆-克勞 "的笑話呢。

I got blackface over here in the trunk.

我後備箱裡有黑臉。

I was ready.

我已經準備好了。

Why the fuck are you recording?

你他媽的為什麼要錄音？

Put your goddamn phone down and sit.

把你該死的手機放下，坐下

Can I ask you a question?

我能問你一個問題嗎？

Was I being racist?

我有種族歧視嗎？

It was what?

是什麼？

Was I being racist?

我有種族歧視嗎？

It was what?

是什麼？

Cupcake?

紙杯蛋糕？

The dog, that's what she was upset about?

那隻狗，就是她生氣的原因？

It took her 15 minutes to be that mad?

她花了 15 分鐘就這麼生氣？

I feel like we're processing it at the same time.

我覺得我們同時在處理這件事。

I didn't know this motherfucker would be my attorney this whole show.

我不知道這個混蛋 會是我的律師 這整個節目。

I feel like I've seen you in Los Santos Customs and Grand Theft Auto, dog.

我好像在《洛斯桑托斯海關》和《俠盜獵車手》裡見過你，狗狗。

It's like, listen, we'll get this paint job.

就好像是，聽著，我們會把油漆弄好的。

But first, I don't know what she's mad about.

但首先，我不知道她在生什麼氣。

It's not you.

不是你

Thank you.

謝謝。

Put your goddamn phone down.

把你該死的手機放下

You know I can still see you, right?

你知道我還能看見你，對吧？

Just put it down.

放下吧

Look at me.

看著我

Put your phone down.

放下手機

Look at me.

看著我

Put it down.

放下來

You can raise it up in three minutes when I'm not paying attention.

你可以趁我不注意，在三分鐘內把它升起來。

But I'm still going to get through this last joke.

但我還是要把這最後一個笑話講完。

She wasn't going to like that last joke either.

她也不會喜歡最後那個笑話。

I'll be honest.

老實說

I just don't like...

我只是不喜歡...

My dad is black and my mom is white.

我爸爸是黑人，媽媽是白人。

And I came out a Dominican lesbian.

我是多米尼加女同性戀。

I don't like that.

我不喜歡這樣。

I didn't even do any of my black and white material.

我甚至沒有做任何黑白材料。

And she just looked at me and went, this motherfucker needs to pay reparations for his Joe Biden joke.

她看著我說，這個混蛋得為他的喬-拜登笑話付出代價。

In conclusion, everybody tonight is going to get, if you look under your seat, you get a free five milligrams of Xanax.

最後，今晚每個人都會得到，如果你看看座位下面，你會得到免費的五毫克Xanax。

Did I say anything racist, Brian?

我說什麼種族主義了嗎，布萊恩？

Yeah, man.

是啊

Brian is my one Asian friend.

布萊恩是我唯一的亞洲朋友。

That's not racist.

這不是種族主義。

It would be racist if I had no Asian friends.

如果我沒有亞洲朋友，那就是種族歧視。

What are you doing to stop Asian hate?

你在做什麼來阻止亞裔仇恨？

All right.

好的