And to get this across to the partner in a way that they're going to understand, which in practice means with as much kindness and politeness as we can possibly scrape together.

並且以一種他們能夠理解的方式將這一點傳達給合作夥伴，這在實踐中意味著我們要盡可能地表現出善意和禮貌。

We normally do things quite differently.

我們通常的做法很不一樣。

We say, "I don't care in the slightest when you come home, I'll be asleep anyway,"

我們說：「我一點也不關心你什麼時候回家，反正我會睡著的。」

when we really mean, "I miss you so much. I'm rather upset that you keep going out with your friends."

但我們真正的意思是「我非常想念你。我對你一直和你的朋友出去感到很沮喪」。

Or we say, "Go to hell and die, I hate you," when we really mean, "I'm terrified of how much I depend on you."

或者我們說：「去死吧，我恨你」，而我們真正的意思是，「我害怕我對你如此依賴。」

Or we get into heated arguments about politics when we crave something far more domestic, a hug.

或者，當我們就陷入關於政治的激烈爭論時，其實只是想擁有一些更家庭的東西，例如擁抱。

Or we sternly criticise their timekeeping because they didn't ask more about our day.

或者我們嚴厲批評他們的計時，因為他們沒有更多地詢問我們這一天的情況。

Or we find fault with their mother because we're furious that they've repeatedly sidestepped sex.

或者我們對他們的母親挑剔，因為我們對他們一再迴避性行為感到憤怒。

Or we say, "Will you stop fussing around the kitchen preparing things I don't even want to eat," when we really mean, "I'm being cruel because I don't know how else to express my hurt."

或者我們說：「你能不能別再在廚房裡忙著準備我根本不想吃的東西了」，而我們真正的意思是，「我對你很是因為我不知道如何表達我的受傷。」

Why can't we more often say what we mean?

為什麼我們不能更多地表達自己的意思？

We aren't just being silly, none of this is simple.

我們並不傻，這一切都不簡單。

In a better arranged world, we would have Olympic competitions to focus our minds on and celebrate the skills involved, and the winners would be given large houses and often appear on television.

在一個安排得更好的世界裡，我們會舉行奧林匹克競賽，讓我們集中精力，為相關技能喝彩，獲勝者會得到大房子，並經常出現在電視上。

To speak candidly yet kindly is as complicated as to play the violin and perhaps a good deal more useful and beautiful.

坦率而友好地說話就像拉小提琴一樣複雜，也許更有用、更美妙。

We don't say what we mean because we have no experience of anyone pulling off such a wondrous and mature feat anywhere around us.

我們不說我們真實的意思，因為我們沒有經歷過在我們周圍的任何地方有人能完成如此奇妙而成熟的壯舉。

We were likely to have been brought up by people who said things like, "You're off my hands now, it doesn't matter to me what you do," when they really meant, "I crave closeness and wish you would call more often."

我們很可能是由這樣的人撫養長大的，他們會說：「你現在脫離了我的控制，你做什麼對我來說並不重要」，而他們真正的意思是，「我渴望親密，希望你能打更頻繁打電話給我。」

So here are some examples of what we should try to do.

以下有一些我們應該嘗試去做的例子。

Take A and turn it into B.

把 A 變成 B。

So A is, "Shut the hell up about your stupid friends."

所以 A 是：「閉上你那愚蠢朋友的臭嘴。」

And B might be, "I'm feeling a bit ignored at the moment, it sounds a bit ridiculous I know, but I can't help but feeling a little bit jealous of how much time you seem to be spending with your mates."

B 可能是：「我現在覺得有點被忽視了，這聽起來有點可笑我知道，但我不禁有點嫉妒，你似乎花了很多時間和你的朋友們在一起。」

Or A might be, "I never want to see you again, you stinking rat-faced little shit."

或者是「我再也不想見到你，你這個臭老鼠臉的小混蛋。」

And B would be, "It seems I'm feeling really pretty upset at the moment and it makes me want to take a bit of distance.

而 B 則是：「似乎我此刻的心情真的很不爽，這讓我想保持點距離。

I guess deep down, I'm terrified you're going to abandon me."

我猜在我內心深處，我很害怕你會拋棄我。」

Now over to you.

現在換你了。

A, "I don't give a damn who you talk to at the party."

A：「我才不管你在派對上跟誰說話。」

And B might be...?

B 可能是...？

Or imagine A being, "Why didn't you tidy the kitchen?"

或者想象一下 A 是：「你為什麼不整理廚房？」

B might be...?

B 可能是...？

Or if A is, "Fuck off and die," B might be...?

或者如果 A 是：「那就滾蛋去死吧」，B 可能是...？

It's easy to get carried away with large plans for our futures.

我們很容易被未來的宏偉計劃衝昏頭腦。

But we can improve them immeasurably with one modest-sounding, extremely difficult vow.

但是，我們可以通過一個聽起來不起眼，但卻極其困難的誓言來大大改善它們。

To pause at key moments and ask ourselves, if I were going to try and be three things – honest, kind and polite – what would I say now?

在關鍵時刻停頓一下，問問自己，如果我要努力做到三點——誠實、善良和禮貌——我現在會說什麼？

This could change our lives.

這可能會改變我們的生活。