I'm a social psychologist and I've been studying the science of uncomfortable social interactions for over 20 years, so everything from new roommate relationships, negotiations, upward feedback with your boss, to doctor-patient interactions, those moments where you need to break in and say, yeah, for the last 20 minutes I actually have no idea what you were talking about.

我是一名社會心理學家，20 多年來一直在研究令人不舒服的社交互動科學，是以，從新室友關係、談判、與老闆的向上反饋，到醫患互動，所有這些都是你需要闖進去說 "是啊，在過去的 20 分鐘裡，我其實完全不知道你在說什麼 "的時刻。

Can we maybe rewind a bit?

我們能倒退一下嗎？

And to study these things, I look at three main outcomes.

為了研究這些問題，我主要關注三個方面的結果。

First, I look at what people say.

首先，我看人們怎麼說。

The things we can control, how friendly we are, how much we compliment one another, how much we give gracious feedback.

我們可以控制的事情，我們有多友好，我們有多少互相讚美，我們有多少給予友好的反饋。

Second, I look at the things that are tougher for us to control, our nonverbal behaviors, things like fidgeting, avoiding eye contact, playing with our hair, doodling, even our tone of voice.

其次，我關注那些我們較難控制的行為，即我們的非語言行為，比如坐立不安、避免目光接觸、玩弄頭髮、塗鴉，甚至我們的語氣。

And then I look at the things that are impossible for us to control, our under-the-skin responses, our physiology, our cardiovascular reactivity, things like blood pressure, heart rate, these types of things that we often don't even really realize that we're feeling.

然後我再看看那些我們無法控制的東西，我們的皮下反應，我們的生理，我們的心血管反應，比如血壓、心率，這些我們甚至常常沒有意識到的東西。

And the way I do this is by having people come into the lab and interact with each other in a bunch of different settings, and I have them negotiate with each other, I have them get acquainted with each other, and often it's the case that in these interactions, people are required to give some form of feedback to their partner.

我的做法是，讓人們走進實驗室，在各種不同的環境中相互交流，我讓他們相互協商，讓他們相互熟悉，通常情況下，在這些交流中，人們需要向他們的夥伴提供某種形式的反饋。

Tell them honestly what they're thinking or feeling.

誠實地告訴他們自己的想法或感受。

Come in with an offer for negotiation.

請帶著報價來洽談。

Tell them what they could have done better next time.

告訴他們下次可以做得更好。

And I think we all kind of know what it feels like to be in one of these studies.

我想我們都知道參與這些研究的感受。

You might not know what it would really feel like to be in one of my studies.

你可能不知道參加我的研究會是什麼感覺。

There's a lot of equipment involved, but we plug people up to all of these things to measure these under-the-skin responses.

這需要很多設備，但我們會把人與所有這些東西連接起來，以測量這些皮下反應。

We videotape them to capture those behaviors that I just mentioned.

我們給他們錄像，捕捉我剛才提到的那些行為。

Now, to get us all into this mindset of what it's like to feel awkward, but maybe potentially a little bit nice, I want you all to think about what was the last awkward interaction that you had, okay?

現在，為了讓大家都進入這種感覺尷尬，但又可能有點友好的思維模式，我希望你們都想想自己上一次尷尬的互動是什麼，好嗎？

So keep this thought in your mind.

是以，請牢記這一點。

You can think about it for a few moments, because in a couple minutes, I'm actually going to randomly call on someone based on your seat to have you come up and share your story of what that moment felt like.

你可以想一想，因為幾分鐘後，我會根據你的座位隨機點名，讓你上臺分享你的故事，說說那一刻的感受。

So before we do that, I just want you all to kind of get a sense of the typical pattern that we see when people are engaging in these interactions.

是以，在此之前，我想讓大家瞭解一下我們在人們參與這些互動時看到的典型模式。

So we bring them into the lab, we hook them up to all this equipment, and within moments, within the first 20 seconds, we start to see those stress responses that I mentioned.

是以，我們把他們帶到實驗室，把他們連接到所有這些設備上，在一瞬間，在最初的 20 秒鐘內，我們開始看到我提到的那些應激反應。

Their heart rate goes up, their blood pressure increases.

他們的心率上升，血壓升高。

It doesn't take much to get people to start to feel anxious.

讓人們開始感到焦慮並不難。

Next we see it in those nonverbal behaviors.

接下來，我們可以從那些非語言行為中看到這一點。

They start to fidget.

他們開始坐立不安。

They avoid eye contact.

他們避免目光接觸。

They pull their chair a couple inches away from the person who's sitting next to them in an effort just to get a little bit more distance.

他們會把椅子拉到離旁邊的人幾英寸遠的地方，試圖拉開一點距離。

One of my favorite findings is in doctor-patient interactions, uncomfortable doctors, they look down at the chart more, or they look more at the computer screen, instead of making eye contact with those patients.

我最喜歡的一個發現是，在醫患互動中，不舒服的醫生會更多地低頭看病歷，或者更多地看電腦屏幕，而不是與患者進行眼神交流。

So let's all return to your awkward moment.

讓我們回到你的尷尬時刻。

Does everyone have an awkward moment in mind when thinking about one?

每個人在想到自己的尷尬時刻時，心中是否都有一個？

How many of you have increases in your heart rate?

有多少人的心率會加快？

Maybe your palms are sweating.

也許你的手心在出汗。

You can start to feel yourself getting a little tingly just with the mere thought of being called upon today.

只要一想到今天會被召喚，你就會開始覺得自己有點興奮。

Hey, a few of you.

嘿，你們幾個。

How many of you would actually be excited about that opportunity?

你們當中有多少人會對這樣的機會感到興奮？

Not okay.

不行

Same people.

同樣的人

How many of you, if I did call on you, would walk up here, you would grin through gritted teeth like this, and you would do it, even though you secretly hated me the whole time?

如果我真的召喚你們，你們當中有多少人會走到這裡，像這樣咬牙切齒地笑著，即使你們一直在暗地裡恨我，你們也會這樣做？

A few of you.

你們中的幾位

Don't worry, I'm not going to actually do this.

別擔心，我不會真的這麼做。

This was all just a ruse to teach you a lesson, which is in uncomfortable social interactions, we often don't have a social script of what to do.

這只是一個詭計，目的是給你上一課，那就是在不舒服的社會交往中，我們往往沒有社會劇本，不知道該怎麼做。

Instead of telling people what we really think, what we really feel, we do the nice thing that makes us incredibly uncomfortable.

我們沒有告訴別人我們的真實想法和真實感受，而是做了一件讓我們無比不舒服的好事。

Now one of my favorite findings illustrating this effect is in the context of negotiations.

現在，我最喜歡的一項研究成果就是在談判中說明這種效應。

I went to a major firm and I brought people together who are used to working with one another, and we had them engage in a negotiation, and at the end of it, there was a winner and there was a loser.

我去了一家大公司，把那些習慣於相互合作的人召集在一起，讓他們進行談判，談判結束後，有贏家，也有輸家。

So we said to the winner, you know, this is really a study about feedback, and what we would like you to do is give some constructive feedback to the person who just lost.

所以我們對獲勝者說，你知道，這其實是一項關於反饋的研究，我們希望你能給剛剛輸掉比賽的人一些建設性的反饋。

What are some things that they could do better next time?

有哪些事情他們下次可以做得更好？

What are some potential missteps?

有哪些潛在的失誤？

How many of you think that that's what they actually did?

你們當中有多少人認為他們確實是這麼做的？

They really followed our instructions?

他們真的聽從了我們的訓示？

Okay.

好的

Nobody can see where this is going.

沒人能看清事態的發展。

What we found is that even when we're talking to someone who just lost a negotiation to us, we tend to bend over backwards.

我們發現，即使是在與剛剛在談判中敗下陣來的人交談時，我們也往往會委曲求全。

We say things like, the way you made that really early offer and didn't even ask for a counter, that was amazing.

我們會說："你很早就開價了，甚至沒有要求還價，這太了不起了。

Or it was so great how you didn't even ask me anything about my side, or what I was willing to kind of, you know, change on or be flexible on.

或者說，你甚至沒有問我任何關於我這邊的情況，或者我願意在哪些方面做出改變或靈活處理，這真是太棒了。

People layered on the compliments to someone who they just beat in a negotiation, telling them how great they are.

人們對剛剛在談判中擊敗自己的人讚不絕口，說他們有多棒。

So often these kinds of interactions that take the form of what I'll call anxious niceness, they involve a lot of compliments, telling people what they do well in a very general, non-specific way.

是以，這種互動往往採取我稱之為 "焦慮的善意 "的形式，包括大量的讚美，以一種非常籠統、不具體的方式告訴人們他們做得很好。

But a lot of my work actually looks at what's kind of, what's it like to be on the receiving end of these types of interactions?

但我的很多作品實際上是在探討，作為這類互動的接受方是一種什麼樣的體驗？

How do you feel when you interact with someone over and over again who's giving off these kinds of brittle smiles?

當你一次又一次地與發出這種脆生生笑容的人打交道時，你會有什麼感覺？

These are typically the kinds of facial expressions that we actually see from people.

這些通常是我們從人們身上實際看到的面部表情。

Kind of sneering, a little bit of side eye, you know, arms crossed, these types of things.

有點譏諷，有點側目，你知道，雙手交叉，諸如此類。

After a lifetime of interacting with someone who engages in anxious niceness, what we find is that most people on the receiving end are racial minorities, they are disadvantaged group members, they are the type of people that we are worried about appearing prejudiced in front of.

在與焦慮的好人交往了一輩子之後，我們會發現，大多數接受好意的人都是少數種族，他們是弱勢群體成員，他們是我們擔心會在他們面前表現出偏見的那類人。

And that anxiety is regulated by being over the top nice to these folks.

而這種焦慮是通過對這些人過分友好來調節的。

We also find that these individuals tend to be more synchronized to and attentive to the how we say it piece than the what we say part.

我們還發現，與 "說什麼 "的部分相比，這些人往往對 "怎麼說 "的部分更加同步和專注。

So in one study we had black and white Americans interact with each other in a cross-race interaction.

是以，在一項研究中，我們讓美國黑人和白人進行跨種族互動。

And we brought them into the lab and we measured the physiology of both partners.

我們把他們帶到實驗室，測量雙方的生理機能。

What this allowed us to do is capture the degree to which people's stress, those under the skin responses, can actually be caught by their partners.

這讓我們能夠捕捉到人們的壓力，即皮膚下的反應，在多大程度上能被他們的伴侶捕捉到。

And what we expected to find is that the black participants would become more synchronized physiologically to those whites.

我們希望發現的是，黑人参與者在生理上會變得與白人更加同步。

They'd be more attuned to those kind of nonverbal signals of anxiety.

他們會更敏銳地捕捉到這些非語言的焦慮信號。

And that's exactly what we found.

這正是我們的發現。

The more anxious those white participants appeared, the more they fidgeted, the more they avoided eye contact, even the higher their cortisol reactivity, indicating some real deep kind of under the skin stress response, the more those black participants became linked up to them over time.

隨著時間的推移，那些白人参與者顯得越焦慮，越煩躁不安，越避免目光接觸，甚至皮質醇反應性越高，這表明他們的皮下應激反應越深刻，那些黑人参與者就越與他們聯繫在一起。

And I think this finding is a little bit terrifying.

我認為這一發現有點可怕。

I think it means that we often think of our own stress and our own physiology as independent of the people we interact with.

我認為，這意味著我們常常認為自己的壓力和生理狀況與我們交往的人無關。

But our bodies are not always our own.

但我們的身體並不總是我們自己的。

Our physiology is not always our own.

我們的生理機能並不總是我們自己的。

And if you spend a lifetime interacting with people who are so nice to you in an effort to control their anxiety, you could potentially catch that stress.

如果你一輩子都在與那些為了控制焦慮而對你好的人打交道，你就有可能染上這種壓力。

It could negatively affect your bodies.

這可能會對你們的身體產生負面影響。

Now often what we find is the type of feedback that people are actually getting isn't always super direct.

我們經常發現，人們實際得到的反饋並不總是超級直接的。

Sometimes it's a little bit patronizing.

有時，這有點頤指氣使。

So you could probably see where I'm going with this.

所以，你大概能明白我的意思。

Having over-the-top positive nice feedback can harm your performance, it can make it very difficult for you to climb up, difficult to kind of know where you stand, what you should do better, what you should stop doing.

過分積極的良好反饋會損害你的表現，會讓你很難往上爬，很難知道自己處於什麼位置，應該做得更好，應該停止做什麼。

But it can also damage people in ways that we often don't think about.

但是，它也會以我們通常沒有想到的方式對人們造成傷害。

It can affect their reputations outside of the interaction context.

這會影響他們在互動環境之外的聲譽。

So imagine the case that you're one of these people who loves giving this general nice feedback and you have someone who works for you and a recruiter calls, maybe a past employee recruiter calls you or someone asks you for a letter of recommendation.

所以，想象一下，如果你是這樣一個人，喜歡給人這種普遍的好的反饋，你有一個為你工作的人，招聘人員打電話給你，也許是過去的員工招聘人員打電話給你，或者有人問你要一封推薦信。

The kinds of things you're going to put are going to be like they're a real team player.

你要做的事情就是讓他們成為真正的團隊成員。

They have great energy at work.

他們在工作中精力充沛。

Generic things.

通用的東西。

Yes, they're nice, but they are not very telling about what that person is really like.

是的，它們很好，但它們並不能說明這個人的真實面貌。

And what we find is that the readers of these things at best think to themselves, wow, they must not really know this person at all.

而我們發現，這些東西的讀者頂多會想，哇，他們一定根本不瞭解這個人。

I don't even know what this means.

我甚至不知道這意味著什麼。

But at worst, they think to themselves, well, they probably have some real opinions.

但在最壞的情況下，他們會想，好吧，他們可能有一些真正的觀點。

They're just afraid to share them.

他們只是不敢分享。

So these kinds of general positive feedback tend to actually harm people's reputation when they're not backed up with real data.

是以，在沒有真實數據支持的情況下，這些一般性的積極反饋往往會損害人們的聲譽。

So I think we have to then think about what is the solution to this problem?

是以，我認為我們必須思考如何解決這個問題？

Is it the case that we should all just be meaner to each other in an effort to be more direct?

難道我們都應該為了更直接而對對方更刻薄一些嗎？

I don't think that's the case at all.

我認為情況根本不是這樣。

I think there are some things we can do and I'm going to highlight three of them to improve the degree to which we give clear, consistent feedback to people, particularly in the workplace.

我認為我們可以做一些事情，下面我將重點介紹其中三件，以提高我們向人們提供清晰、一致反饋的程度，尤其是在工作場所。

So first, we need to ask ourselves the question, how many people are on board with this niceness culture really?

是以，我們首先要問自己一個問題：到底有多少人認同這種友善文化？

There's a bit of a plural ignorance that goes on when we think about how nice we are to people at work.

當我們考慮在工作中對別人有多好時，就會有一種複數的無知。

What I've found is that for every one person who loves this kind of general, generic, nice feedback, there's another person who feels like it's lazy, who feels like it's not helpful.

我發現，每有一個人喜歡這種一般的、通用的、好的反饋，就會有另一個人覺得這是在偷懶，覺得這沒有幫助。

And I actually learned this lesson the hard way from one of my students recently.

實際上，我最近就從我的一個學生身上學到了這一慘痛教訓。

She was giving a practice talk in my lab and she spent weeks and weeks preparing it, probably harder than anyone else I'd ever seen on preparing a talk like this.

她在我的實驗室裡做了一次練習演講，她花了幾周的時間準備，可能比我見過的任何人都更努力地準備這樣的演講。

And then she went and gave it and she came back and I said, how did the talk go?

然後她去做了，回來後我問她，談得怎麼樣？

Did it go well?

進展順利嗎？

She said it was terrible.

她說太可怕了。

It was horrible.

太可怕了

It was the worst experience.

這是最糟糕的經歷。

I said, well, what happened?

我說，好吧，發生了什麼事？

And she said, all I got were a bunch of great jobs, that was interesting, and then some clap emojis from the people on Zoom.

她說，我得到的只是一堆很好的工作，這很有趣，然後是 Zoom 上的人拍手的表情符號。

Not a single person asked a tough question, she said.

她說，沒有一個人提出棘手的問題。

And I had this moment where I realized that positive feedback can come across as lazy feedback.

那一刻，我意識到，積極的反饋可能被視為懶惰的反饋。

It can come across as disengaged feedback.

這可能會讓人覺得是脫離實際的反饋。

And so if we want to change this culture, we actually need to first do a quick pulse of how many people are actually more interested in doing the tougher, constructive forms of this type of feedback.

是以，如果我們想改變這種文化，我們實際上需要先快速把脈一下，有多少人實際上更有興趣做這種更嚴厲、更有建設性的反饋。

So you might be thinking to yourselves, all right, I might be on board with this idea of tough yet honest feedback.

是以，你們可能會想，好吧，我可能會接受這種嚴厲而又誠實的反饋意見。

So what should I do?

我該怎麼辦？

Should I go to people and say, all right, do you want me to be honest and nice?

我是否應該去對別人說，好吧，你們希望我誠實、善良嗎？

Or nice?

還是漂亮？

Or honest and useful?

還是誠實和有用？

No, do not do this.

不，不要這樣做。

You will by and large get a lot of people telling you, you know, I actually just want to keep it nice.

總的來說，很多人會告訴你，其實我只是想保持它的美觀。

That just feels a lot more comfortable for me.

這讓我感覺更舒服。

What I learned in my work is that this process I've been talking about, about giving anxious nice feedback, is just as much about the feedback receiver as it is about the feedback giver.

我在工作中學到的是，我一直在說的這個過程，即給予焦慮的良好反饋，既與反饋接收者有關，也與反饋給予者有關。

People get into a bit of a dance with each other.

人們會彼此起舞。

I give you nice feedback, you kind of know it's BS, but you smile and say thank you and then, you know, go on your way.

我給了你很好的反饋，你也知道這是廢話，但你還是微笑著說聲謝謝，然後，你知道的，繼續走你的路。

It takes a lot to break that interpersonal cycle.

要打破這種人際循環，需要付出很多努力。

And to do that, we have to think about how we actually want to frame our feedback to other people.

而要做到這一點，我們就必須思考，我們究竟想如何向其他人提出我們的反饋意見。

So instead of asking people, should I be nice or honest and useful, what I like to do is ask people, can I give you feedback on a couple dimensions?

是以，我不喜歡問別人 "我應該表現得和藹可親還是誠實有用"，我喜歡問別人 "我能從幾個方面給你反饋嗎？

Can we think about feedback as general versus specific?

我們能否將反饋視為一般反饋和特殊反饋？

Another dimension would be, can we think about things that you're doing well, you should keep doing, versus things that, please stop, and I'll get in a moment to how we can actually frame that form of negative feedback.

另一個維度是，我們能不能思考一下你做得好的事情，你應該繼續做下去，而不是那些 "請停止 "的事情。

So we think a lot of us are actually pretty decent at the positive general feedback, right?

是以，我們認為我們中的很多人在積極的總體反饋方面都很出色，對嗎？

I love how timely you are.

我喜歡你的及時。

But what does that mean?

但這意味著什麼呢？

It could mean that you're on time for meetings, it could mean that you turn your work in on time, it could mean it in a very global way of you sure managed to do a lot in five years.

這可能意味著你準時參加會議，可能意味著你按時交作業，也可能意味著你在五年裡確實做了很多事情，這是很全面的。

Or it could mean something so specific like, it's so helpful that you send in your reports by 5 p.m., but I don't really want to comment on those other kinds of forms of being timely.

或者，它也可能意味著一些具體的事情，比如，你在下午 5 點之前提交報告是非常有幫助的，但我真的不想對這些其他形式的 "及時 "發表評論。

And when we do the kind of general feedback that is negative, the please stop, we need it to be specific.

當我們進行一般性的負面反饋時，請停止，我們需要的是具體的反饋。

So kind of one of the more common forms of general negative feedback people get is you don't take enough initiative here.

是以，人們得到的最常見的負面反饋之一就是你不夠主動。

How many of you have ever been told, please take some more initiative?

有多少人曾被告知，請再主動一些？

Most of us at some point in our lives have experienced this.

我們中的大多數人都曾有過這樣的經歷。

What does that mean?

這是什麼意思？

Does it mean I should speak up more in meetings?

這是否意味著我應該在會議上多發言？

Does it mean I should be quicker on my email?

這是否意味著我應該加快收發電子郵件的速度？

Does it mean I should do your job without complaining about doing your job?

這是否意味著我應該做你的工作，而不是抱怨做你的工作？

Which is often what it actually means.

這往往就是它的實際含義。

We have to break it down into the specifics.

我們必須細化到具體細節。

And that could include things like, don't wait for Tom to ask if you found any errors before you say, Tom, I found some errors.

這可以包括這樣的內容：不要等湯姆問你是否發現了錯誤，你才說：湯姆，我發現了一些錯誤。

An important piece here is what people should do instead.

這裡很重要的一點是，人們應該做什麼。

Often if we get to the stage where we're comfortable enough telling people, I have a specific critical negative thing I want to tell you, please stop interrupting people, not telling Tom about the errors, showing up five minutes late with coffee so I know what you were doing during those five minutes, we don't tend to replace them with anything.

通常情況下，如果我們到了能夠自如地告訴別人 "我有一件特別重要的負面事情要告訴你"、"請不要再打斷別人的談話"、"不要告訴湯姆有什麼錯誤"、"遲到五分鐘才來喝咖啡，讓我知道你在這五分鐘裡在做什麼 "的階段，我們往往不會用任何東西來替代這些話。

But we know from our personal lives that replacing negative, critical please stop behaviors is absolutely essential.

但我們從個人生活中瞭解到，取代消極、挑剔的請停止行為是絕對必要的。