Since the bullet that was meant for Donald Trump missed him last Saturday, Republicans have been indulging in an orgy of magical thinking, saying things like,

自從上週六射向唐納德-特朗普的子彈沒有擊中他之後，共和黨人一直沉浸在神奇思維的狂歡中，說了很多類似的話、

Trump wears the armor of God.

特朗普穿著上帝的盔甲。

Boxing star Jake Paul tweeted about the miracle at Butler Farm showgrounds.

拳擊明星傑克-保羅（Jake Paul）在推特上講述了巴特勒農場表演場的奇蹟。

When you try and kill God's angels and saviors of the world, it just makes them bigger.

當你試圖殺死上帝的天使和世界的救世主時，只會讓他們變得更大。

Which sounds like something a guy who gets hit in the head for living would say.

這聽起來就像一個因為生活而被打得頭破血流的人會說的話。

-...

-...

...

...

The internet quickly filled up with images of angels and Jesus protecting Trump, like this one from Congresswoman

互聯網上迅速充斥著天使和耶穌保護特朗普的圖片，比如女議員的這張圖片

Maria Salazar.

瑪麗亞-薩拉薩爾

Steve Scalise said,

斯卡利斯（Steve Scalise）說、

Yesterday, there were miracles, and I think the hand of God was there, too.

昨天，奇蹟出現了，我想上帝之手也在那裡。

Steve was also shot, but God was having an off day.

史蒂夫也中彈了，但上帝今天不在。

And...

還有

...

...

And, uh, that bullet missed his ear and went into his spleen.

那顆子彈沒打中他的耳朵 卻打進了他的脾臟

And, of course, it was inevitable that someone named Kevin would tweet this video of a flag from the rally that got twisted up in a wire and said, it looks like an angel.

當然，一個叫凱文的人不可避免地在推特上發佈了這段視頻，視頻中是集會上一面被鐵絲纏繞的旗幟，他說，這看起來像一個天使。

Look, it's an angel, and it's wearing a flag.

看，那是個天使，還插著一面旗子。

Just like Sarah Palin used to do.

就像薩拉-佩林曾經做的那樣。

...

...

My point is that Donald Trump, even if you like him, is powerful enough as a past president, a likely future president, and, to be perfectly frank, a cult leader.

我的觀點是，即使你喜歡唐納德-特朗普，但作為一位前任總統、未來可能的總統，以及坦率地說，一位邪教領袖，他已經足夠強大。

America doesn't need a demigod.

美國不需要半神。

...

...

From the pharaohs to Julius Caesar to Hirohito, many cultures have tried it.

從法老、凱撒大帝到裕仁，許多文化都曾嘗試過。

The earthly being who is simultaneously divine, or at least god-ish.

同時具有神性或至少具有神性的塵世之人。

And it never turns out well.

結果從來都不會好。

And, look, I'm not anti-religion.

聽著，我並不反對宗教。

Oh, wait, I'm very anti-religion.

哦，等等，我非常反宗教。

That's right.

這就對了。

...

...

I'm the guy who made the movie Religiolus.

我就是製作電影《Religiolus》的人。

Come on.

來吧

...

...

And the theme of that movie was, I'm sorry, but religion is stupid and dangerous.

那部電影的主題是：對不起，宗教是愚蠢而危險的。

And I don't say that in a mean way.

我這麼說並沒有惡意。

It's true.

這是真的。

No one thought that movie was mean-spirited.

沒有人認為那部電影是刻薄的。

Not even the religious people I interviewed.

就連我採訪過的宗教人士也不例外。

Did you also share the name Miranda?

你是否也與米蘭達同名？

Maybe you're Carmen Miranda.

也許你就是卡門-米蘭達。

Maybe the second coming of her.

也許是她的第二次降臨。

You should have fruit on your head.

你的頭上應該有水果。

Instead of fruit in your head.

而不是在你的腦子裡種水果。

All right, thank you.

好的，謝謝。

Can I come over and give you a hug?

我能過來抱抱你嗎？

Yes.

是的。

I hug everybody, so can I give you a hug?

我擁抱每個人，所以我能擁抱你嗎？

Thanks.

謝謝。

Thank you very much.

非常感謝。

Hey, you didn't have a heart on there, did you?

嘿，你沒把心放在上面吧？

No, sorry.

不，對不起。

I can't do that.

我做不到

Well, thank you for what he's Jesus, man.

好吧，謝謝你的耶穌，夥計。

Amen.

阿門

Thank you for being Christlike and not just Christian.

感謝你們像基督一樣，而不僅僅是基督徒。

Thank you.

謝謝。

OK.

好的。

Hey, my wallet.

嘿，我的錢包

...

...

How you doing, Bill?

你好嗎，比爾？

God bless you.

上帝保佑你

Hi.

你好。

Seen you around.

在附近見過你

Welcome to our world.

歡迎來到我們的世界。

I've seen you around.

我見過你

Yeah.

是啊

Woo!

Woo！

God bless you.

上帝保佑你

Thank you.

謝謝。

Thank you.

謝謝。

That's the way we need to be with religion.

這就是我們對待宗教的態度。

Not condescending.

不是居高臨下。

But also, it's the 21st century.

不過，現在也是 21 世紀了。

Enough is enough with interpreting every random event as a DM from heaven.

把每個隨機事件都解釋為來自天堂的 DM 已經夠了。

Thank you.

謝謝。

Thank you.

謝謝。

Thank you.

謝謝。

Thank you.

謝謝。

Thank you.

謝謝。

Thank you.

謝謝。

Thank you.

謝謝。

Thank you.

謝謝。

Thank you.

謝謝。

Thank you.

謝謝。

Thank you.

謝謝。

Thank you.

謝謝。

Thank you.

謝謝。

Thank you.

謝謝。

Thank you.

謝謝。

Thank you.

謝謝。

There's a kind of person in this world who loves to see signs in everything, never asking why if God has something to communicate to us, he doesn't just fucking say it.

這個世界上有一種人，他們喜歡從任何事情中看到徵兆，從來不問為什麼如果上帝有什麼要傳達給我們，他不直接說出來。

He's God, for God's sakes.

看在上帝的份上，他是上帝。

Why show up in a flapjack or a frying pan or a Walmart and don't get me started on the dog's ass.

為什麼要穿著烙餅、煎鍋或沃爾瑪出現，別讓我從狗屁股開始說起。

I mean...

我的意思是...

It does look like...

它看起來確實像...

No, just say it.

不，直說吧。

What's with drop...

什麼是下降...

What's with dropping...

什麼是與下降...

Okay with the dog's ass.

狗屁股沒問題

What's with dropping clues?

丟線索是怎麼回事？

You know, he makes statues cry.

你知道，他能讓雕像哭泣。

He makes clouds look like stuff.

他讓雲看起來像個東西。

He puts rainbows in the sky.

他讓天空出現彩虹。

I mean, not anymore since the gays stole it.

我是說，自從同志偷走了它，就再也沒有了。

The people who see angels in flags are the same people who saw a cross of steel beams in the rubble of the

那些在旗幟中看到天使的人，和那些在 "9-11 "事件的廢墟中看到由鋼樑組成的十字架的人是一樣的。

World Trade Center because after he kills you, God likes to leave a calling card like a serial killer.

世貿中心，因為上帝殺了你之後，喜歡像連環殺手一樣留下一張名片。

People see signs because they want to see them.

人們看到標誌是因為他們想看到標誌。

It's why stalkers think Taylor Swift is blinking marry me to them in Morse code.

這就是為什麼跟蹤者會認為泰勒-斯威夫特在用摩斯密碼向他們眨眼 "嫁給我吧"。

But it gets dangerous when the signs make someone think God is on their side.

但當這些跡象讓人以為上帝站在他們一邊時，就危險了。

Republican Congressman Mike Collins said after the shooting, God spared Ronald Reagan for a reason.

共和黨眾議員邁克-柯林斯（Mike Collins）在槍擊事件後說，上帝放過羅納德-里根是有原因的。

God spared Donald Trump for a reason.

上帝放過唐納德-特朗普是有原因的。

God doesn't miss.

上帝不會錯過

Really?

真的嗎？

Tell that to John Lennon, Lincoln, JFK, RFK, and Martin Luther King.

把這些話告訴約翰-列儂、林肯、肯尼迪、肯尼迪和馬丁-路德-金吧。

Look, the asshole who shot at Trump was cowardly, unpatriotic, selfish, vile, and weak, and he should rot in hell.

聽著，向特朗普開槍的混蛋懦弱、不愛國、自私、卑鄙、軟弱，他應該下地獄。

But thinking that God protects your heroes, but not mine, that isn't cool either.

但認為上帝保護你的英雄，卻不保護我的英雄，這也不酷。

Maga Nation, because they are religious by nature and given to magical thinking, have been trending towards demigod worship for a while now.

馬加民族因為天生信奉宗教，又喜歡神奇的思維方式，所以他們對半神崇拜的趨勢已經有一段時間了。

The shirts and flags and posters depicting Trump, the Redeemer, the crosses and religious imagery that were heavy in the past.

描繪特朗普、救世主、十字架和宗教影像的襯衫、旗幟和海報，在過去都很沉重。

And now they're all over the place.

現在他們到處都是。

I mean, I don't know.

我的意思是，我不知道。

I don't know.

我不知道。

I don't know.

我不知道。

I don't know.

我不知道。

I don't know.

我不知道。

I don't know.

我不知道。

I don't know.

我不知道。

I don't know.

我不知道。

I don't know.

我不知道。

I don't know.

我不知道。

And those religious imagery that were heavy in the crowd on January 6th.

還有 1 月 6 日人群中那些濃重的宗教意象。

But Trump didn't survive the attempt on his life because of divine intervention.

但特朗普並沒有因為神的干預而倖免於難。

He survived because a virgin couldn't hit the fattest president since Taft.

他之所以能活下來，是因為處男打不中塔夫脫之後最胖的總統。

And I'm...

我...

And again, make no mistake, I'm glad he couldn't.

再說一次，別搞錯了，我很高興他做不到。

But Trump is alive because he's the single luckiest motherfucker who ever lived.

但特朗普還活著，因為他是有史以來最幸運的混蛋。

His whole life...

他的一生

His whole life is a string of you gotta be fucking kidding me.

他的一生就是一連串的 "你他媽的在開玩笑吧"。

Just this week, the judge overseeing the case of him stealing classified documents threw the whole thing out.

就在本週，負責監督他竊取機密文件一案的法官撤銷了整個案件。

Of course she did.

她當然知道。

That's always the way it goes for Trump.

特朗普總是這樣。

He inherited $413 million from his dad, lost it all, and used the write-off to never pay taxes again.

他從父親那裡繼承了 4.13 億美元，全部輸掉後，利用這筆註銷資金，他再也不用交稅了。

His only form of exercise is eating.

他唯一的運動方式就是吃。

But he's somehow stronger than ever at 78.

但是，78 歲的他比以往任何時候都更加堅強。

Meanwhile, Richard Simmons, dead at 76.

與此同時，理查德-西蒙斯（Richard Simmons）去世，享年 76 歲。

And now he's running against an incumbent president who's a gentle breeze away from death.

現在，他的競選對手是一位離死亡僅一步之遙的現任總統。

And then there's the guy...

還有一個人...

Then there's the guy who shot at Trump,

然後是那個向特朗普開槍的人、

McLovin from the movie Superbad.

電影《超膽俠》中的麥克拉溫。

Look, I fervently hope that nobody ever shoots at Trump or any candidate, but if you have to have someone do it, it's kind of lucky to have it be the world's biggest loser.

聽著，我衷心希望沒有人向特朗普或任何候選人開槍，但如果非要找人開槍的話，讓世界上最大的失敗者來開槍也算是一種幸運。

And it all just makes religious-minded people see Trump as something preterhuman now, when in reality, he puts his pants on one leg at a time after sex with a porn star.

這一切只會讓有宗教信仰的人把特朗普看成是前人，而實際上，他是在與色情明星發生性關係後，一條腿一條腿地穿上褲子的。

You want to vote for him? Fine.

你想投他一票？好吧

But don't pray to him.

但不要向他祈禱。

He's already all in on being godlike.

他已經全心全意地想成為神了。

He said this week the doctor at the hospital called it a miracle.

他說，本週醫院的醫生稱這是一個奇蹟。

I'm not supposed to be here.

我不應該在這裡

I'm supposed to be dead.

我應該已經死了。

Yeah, so is Dick Cheney, but karma isn't cooperating and karma isn't a thing.

是啊，迪克-切尼也是，但因果報應不合作，因果報應也不是個東西。