An adulthood worthy of the name is an internal process which may post-date the acquisition of a formal adult identity by many years.

名副其實的成年是一個內在的過程，可能要比獲得正式的成人身份晚很多年。

We might be 92 and still, very slowly, be leaving adolescence behind.

我們可能已經 92 歲了，但仍在緩慢地告別青春期。

If we live to be 450, many of us would still be struggling to acquire the fundamental constituents of a grown-up mind.

如果我們活到 450 歲，我們中的許多人仍在為獲得成年思維的基本要素而奮鬥。

There is one definition of adulthood that it is worth focusing on in particular, adulthood as defined by the discipline of psychotherapy, which more than any other is devoted to working out a path from psychological infancy to maturity.

有一個關於成年的定義值得我們特別關注，那就是心理治療學科所定義的成年，這門學科比其他任何學科都更致力於探索一條從心理幼稚走向成熟的道路。

So here are twelve elements of an adult identity as seen through the lens of psychotherapy.

以下是通過心理治療的視角觀察成人身份的十二個要素。

One, we understand, at last, some of the ways in which our childhoods have shaped who we are today.

第一，我們終於明白，我們的童年是如何塑造了今天的我們。

We are not confused by a question like, "How did your relationship with your mother influence how you see women?"

我們不會被這樣的問題所困惑：「你與母親的關係如何影響了你對女性的看法？」

Or "How did your father shape your sense of what a man might be?"

或者「你的父親是如何塑造你對男人的看法的？」

Two, we give up on the temptations of believing that we might be simpler than we are.

二，我們放棄了相信我們可能比現在更簡單的誘惑。

We stop saying that the past doesn't matter, that we can change whatever we like about ourselves simply by wanting to do so, that willpower is everything,

我們不再說過去並不重要，不再說我們只要想改變自己就能改變自己，不再說意志力就是一切，

and more modestly accept that we might need to explore our minds rather more deeply than would be convenient if we are going to be able to bring about the changes we seek.

而是更謙虛地接受這樣一個事實：如果我們想要實現我們所尋求的改變，我們可能需要更深入地探索我們的思想。

Three, we develop a sober appreciation of how easy it is to lie to ourselves.

三，我們清醒地認識到，欺騙自己是多麼容易。

We have a sense of the massive hold of denial on our relationship to reality.

我們會感覺到否認對我們與現實關係的巨大影響。

We appreciate how easily we may get sad when we are in fact angry, anxious when there is a specific thing that concerns us, or stern and proud when we are warding off vulnerability.

我們意識到，當我們實際上生氣時，我們很容易感到悲傷；當我們有一件特定的事情與我們有關時，我們很容易感到焦慮；當我們避免脆弱時，我們很容易感到嚴厲和自豪。

We get a measure of our powerful wish to evade ourselves.

我們可以衡量自己逃避自己的強烈慾望。

Four, we learn to tell others with slightly more accuracy what is really going on inside us.

四，我們要學會更準確地告訴別人我們內心的真實想法。

We don't expect to be understood without speaking.

我們不指望不說話就能被理解。

We learn to translate our paranoia and rage into something that someone else will be able to hear.

我們學會把自己的偏執和憤怒轉化為別人能夠聽到的東西。

We sulk a little less.

我們少生一點悶氣。

Five, we understand, when we aren't tired, the difference between what someone meant to do to us and what we experienced at their hands.

五，當我們不累的時候，我們會明白別人對我們的意圖和我們在他們手中所經歷的事情之間的區別。

We realise that not every hurt we register was powered by a conscious desire to harm us.

我們意識到，並非每一次傷害都是有意識地想要傷害我們。

Six, we forgive ourselves for the strangeness of our minds.

六，我們原諒自己思想的怪異。

We learn to almost delight in how odd we are, what peculiar thoughts are constantly flitting through consciousness, the daunting surprises of our fantasies and dreams and the perpetual ups and downs of mental life.

我們學會了為自己的怪異而高興，為意識中不斷閃現的奇特想法而高興，為幻想和夢境中令人生畏的驚喜而高興，為精神生活中永恆的起伏而高興。

We don't condemn this in ourselves or censor it too much in others.

我們不譴責自己的這種行為，也不過分審查他人的這種行為。

We take comfort from knowing that there is a strong difference between a thought and an action.

我們知道思想和行動之間有很大的區別，這讓我們感到欣慰。

Seven, we allow ourselves to get angry at certain things that might have happened around those who put us on the earth, but we don't stay stuck in a position of fury.

七，我們允許自己對那些把我們帶到地球上的人周圍可能發生的某些事情感到憤怒，但我們不會陷入憤怒的境地。

We hold in mind an uncomfortable but genuine balance of ideas that our progenitors were not necessarily bad, but that some genuinely difficult things might well have happened at their hands.

我們牢記著一種令人不安但真實的平衡觀念，即我們的祖先不一定是壞人，但一些真正困難的事情很可能發生在他們手中。

Eight, we accept that sometimes reality may be less awful than we assume it will be, because we appreciate how much of our difficult histories may be colouring the lenses through which we look at the world.

八，我們承認有時現實可能沒有我們想像的那麼可怕，因為我們意識到我們艱難的歷史可能在很大程度上影響了我們看待世界的鏡頭。

We accept that catastrophes don't happen as often out there as they do in our minds.

我們承認災難並不像我們想像的那樣經常發生。

Nine, we accept how many of our moods rely on the vagaries of our bodies.

九，我們接受了自己的許多情緒都依賴於身體的變化無常。

We get better at monitoring how much we sleep.

我們會更好地監測自己的睡眠時間。

We become passionate about early nights.

我們開始熱衷於早睡早起。

We never try to have any significant conversations with anyone past 9pm.

晚上 9 點後，我們不再嘗試與任何人進行重要談話。

Ten, we learn that we are not compelled to say everything that passes through our minds the moment it does so.

十，我們會明白，我們並不是非得在腦海中閃過任何念頭時才說出來。

We might register a wish to blow up a relationship and take up with someone new and hold a thought inside for now.

我們可能會想結束一段關係，和新的人在一起，但我們會暫時把這個想法憋在心裡。

We achieve a little more space between what we feel and what we need to do and say. We learn to move slowly.

在我們的感覺和我們需要做的事以及我們需要說的話之間，我們會有更多的空間。我們要學會慢慢來。

Eleven, we get patient and encouraging towards those who are less advanced than we are.

十一，我們要耐心地鼓勵那些比我們落後的人。

We don't hold it against them that they haven't already figured everything out.

我們不會因為他們還沒有想明白所有的事情而對他們心存芥蒂。

We guess that there might be something more hopeful and tender lurking beneath their bad mood or anger.

我們猜測，在他們的壞情緒或憤怒之下，可能潛藏著更多的希望和溫柔。

We remember how often people have cut us slack and cut them slack in turn. We know and get bored by how easy it is to condemn.

我們記得人們是如何經常怠慢我們，並反過來怠慢他們。我們知道譴責是多麼容易，也是以感到厭煩。

Twelve, we remain aware that any progress we feel we have made is always liable to be temporary.

十二，我們仍然意識到，我們所取得的任何進展都可能是暫時的。

We hold our victories lightly.

我們輕言勝利。

A new storm may be along any moment.

新的風暴隨時可能來臨。

We are extremely grateful for every day that unfolds calmly.

我們對平靜度過的每一天都心存感激。

We lose our taste for excitement.

我們不再喜歡刺激。

We have nothing against the idea of having a delightfully boring rest of our lives.

我們並不反對在餘下的日子裡過得愉快而乏味。