This is a late night. We hope you're doing well.

這是一個深夜。希望你們一切都好

And now, if you don't mind, we're going to get to the news.

現在，如果你不介意的話，我們要開始播報新聞了。

While speaking last night at the Republican National Convention,

昨晚在共和黨全國代表大會上發言時

Nikki Haley said, quote, "there are some Americans who don't agree with Donald Trump 100% of the time.

尼基-黑莉說："有些美國人並不是百分之百地同意唐納德-特朗普的觀點。

For example, all the speakers at the RNC just a few months ago."

例如，幾個月前在美國全國代表大會上的所有發言人。

That's right.

這就對了。

Nikki Haley spoke at the RNC last night and said that former President Trump has her, quote, "strong endorsement, period."

尼基-黑莉昨晚在RNC發表講話時說，前總統特朗普得到了她的 "強烈支持"。

And then Mike Johnson tried to have her arrested for saying period.

然後邁克-約翰遜試圖以她說 "月經 "為由將她逮捕。

Former House Speaker Kevin McCarthy and Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz appeared to get into a verbal argument last night on the floor of the Republican National Convention.

前眾議院議長凱文-麥卡錫（Kevin McCarthy）和佛羅里達州眾議員馬特-蓋茨（Matt Gaetz）昨晚在共和黨全國代表大會的會場上似乎發生了口角。

Also on the floor of the Republican National Convention, Rudy Giuliani.

也是在共和黨全國代表大會的會場上、魯迪-朱利安尼

Did the punchline have anything to do with the setup?

笑點與設置有關係嗎？

No.

不

But this is a stressful time in America, and we got to find joy where we can.

但現在是美國的緊張時期，我們必須盡力尋找快樂。

After Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz confronted...

在佛羅里達州眾議員馬特-蓋茨（Matt Gaetz）與...

Excuse me. After Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz confronted former House Speaker Kevin McCarthy at the Republican National Convention last night, McCarthy reportedly said, quote...

打擾一下。昨晚在共和黨全國代表大會上 佛羅里達州眾議員馬特-蓋茨（Matt Gaetz） 與前眾議院議長凱文-麥卡錫（Kevin McCarthy）發生衝突後據報道，麥卡錫說，引用...

Excuse me. Are you telling this guy not to be an ass...

打擾一下你是在告訴這傢伙不要做個混蛋......

Would you tell the sun not to shine or the grass not to grow?

你會告訴太陽不要照耀或小草不要生長嗎？

Would you tell the surf not to crash on the shore?

你會告訴海浪不要衝向海岸嗎？

Look at that guy.

看看那傢伙

That is a perfect central casting ass...

這是一個完美的中央鑄造屁股...

If you were a decent person and you were about to embark on a year-long campaign to try and become the best ass... you could ever be, this is the picture you'd tape to your fridge.

如果你是一個正直的人，而且你即將開始為期一年的運動，努力成為......你能成為的最好的屁股，這就是你要貼在冰箱上的照片。

In a phone conversation between former President Trump and independent presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr. that was leaked this week,

在前總統特朗普與獨立總統候選人的電話交談中小羅伯特-肯尼迪（Robert F. Kennedy Jr、

Trump appears to criticize vaccines for babies and said the syringes look, quote, "like it's meant for a horse."

特朗普似乎責備了為嬰兒接種疫苗的做法，並說這些注射器看起來就像是為馬準備的。

Though, to be clear, he's not against humans taking horse medicine.

不過，要說明的是，他並不反對人類服用馬藥。

Former President Trump said in a new interview that he wants Taiwan to pay the U.S. for protection, or else what, they sleep with the fishes?

美國前總統特朗普在一次新的採訪中說，他希望臺灣向美國支付保護費，否則，他們會與魚共舞嗎？

Are you running for president or head of the Gambino crime family?

你是要競選總統還是甘比諾犯罪家族的首領？

President Biden is reportedly considering endorsing changes to the Supreme Court, including term limits and a code of ethics, when he heard Justice Clarence Thomas was so shocked his monocle popped out and landed in his caviar.

據報道，拜登總統正在考慮支持對最高法院進行改革，包括任期限制和道德準則，當他聽到克拉倫斯-托馬斯大法官如此震驚時，他的單片眼鏡彈了出來，掉進了他的魚子醬裡。

A man who allegedly got caught in the tide off the coast of Queens was recently rescued off the coast of New Jersey after treading water overnight, which, by the way, is still the fastest way to get from Queens to New Jersey.

一名男子據稱在皇后區海岸被潮水捲走，最近在新澤西州海岸被救起，他在水中踩了一夜，順便說一句，這仍然是從皇后區到新澤西州最快的方式。

It's a local joke.

這是當地的一個笑話。

But if you're watching at home, don't come here.

但如果你在家裡看，就不要來這裡了。

It's a disaster, dude.

這是一場災難，老兄。

It's a...disaster.

這是一場......災難。

Authorities in Philadelphia are looking for thieves who allegedly stole 400 cases of beef, or, as it's known in Philly, an entire day's worth.

費城當局正在尋找涉嫌偷竊 400 箱牛肉的竊賊，在費城，牛肉被稱為 "一整天的價值"。

According to a new study, men with beards are more likely to stay in romantic relationships than clean-shaven men.

根據一項新的研究，留鬍子的男性比鬍子颳得乾淨的男性更有可能保持浪漫的關係。

Okay, well, also, there's, like, one woman at the North Pole.

好吧，還有，北極好像只有一個女人。

And, finally, the FDA has issued a warning to several companies this week in an effort to crack down on so-called copycat snacks that are packaged like popular brands but contain drugs such as Trips Ahoy, this news first reported by the giraffe in Billy's closet.

最後，美國食品和藥物管理局（FDA）本週向幾家公司發出警告，旨在打擊所謂的山寨零食，這些零食的包裝與流行品牌相似，但卻含有 Trips Ahoy 等藥物，這一消息由比利衣櫥裡的長頸鹿首先報道。

And that was a monologue, everybody!

那是獨白，各位！

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