I'm a clinical psychologist and I do research on psychotherapy and especially on how emotion changes.

我是一名臨床心理學家，從事心理治療方面的研究，尤其是情感變化方面的研究。

I'm going to talk today about how to get over the end of a relationship.

我今天要講的是如何從一段感情的結束中走出來。

If you've had an important relationship and you felt a bit stuck on how to move on, maybe you have some lingering bad feelings, some emotional baggage, let's call it unfinished business.

如果你曾有過一段重要的戀情，而你在如何繼續前行的問題上感到有些困惑，也許你有一些揮之不去的壞情緒，一些情感包袱，我們姑且稱之為未了情吧。

If that's going on, this talk is for you.

如果你正在這樣做，這個講座就是為你準備的。

Sometimes it could be grieving the death of a person close to you.

有時，你可能會因為身邊的人去世而感到悲傷。

Sometimes it's moving on when there's been a betrayal or abuse.

有時，當遭到背叛或虐待時，就需要繼續前進。

It could be with a friend, a co-worker, a parent, and of course, romantic breakups basically cover the whole range, right, from pretty straightforward but painful to very complicated.

可能是和朋友、同事、父母，當然，戀愛分手基本上涵蓋了整個範圍，對吧，從非常直接但痛苦到非常複雜。

Most people think that moving on is just a matter of time.

大多數人認為，繼續前進只是時間問題。

People come to therapy and they ask me, so how long is this going to take?

人們來接受治療時會問我，這需要多長時間？

How much time needs to pass?

需要多少時間？

I was speaking with a guy who was getting divorced for the second time and he says to me, well, you know, I wish it was two years from now, why?

我和一個第二次離婚的人哈拉，他對我說，我希望是兩年後，為什麼？

Because that's how long it took me last time to get over it.

因為上次我就是花了這麼長時間才熬過來的。

And that idea is fairly common.

這種想法相當普遍。

People think that the bad feeling will just sort of run its course.

人們認為，壞情緒會自然而然地消失。

But if you feel devastated or there's been a betrayal, then not so much, right?

但如果你覺得受到了打擊，或者遭到了背叛，那就沒那麼嚴重了，對嗎？

It's not going to be as simple as sleeping off a bad hangover, right?

不會像宿醉後睡一覺那麼簡單吧？

For some people, this process is really frozen in time.

對有些人來說，這個過程確實是凝固的。

There's actually a lot of research on this now, but it's an odd thing to study because it's hard to know what to call this.

實際上，現在有很多這方面的研究，但研究起來很奇怪，因為很難知道該怎麼稱呼。

In an early treatment study led by Les Greenberg at York University, they actually just put up signs saying, do you have emotional baggage related to a relationship, right?

在約克大學萊斯-格林伯格（Les Greenberg）上司的一項早期治療研究中，他們實際上只是貼出了這樣的標語：你是否有與一段感情有關的情感包袱，對嗎？

Do you need help with your unfinished business?

您需要幫助來完成未竟的事業嗎？

And then they just sort of sat patiently by the phone wondering if anyone would call.

然後他們就耐心地坐在電話旁，想知道會不會有人打電話來。

Because it's not even a diagnosis, right?

因為這根本不是診斷，對嗎？

It's just a metaphor.

這只是一個比喻。

Well, it turns out the phone started ringing off the hook.

結果，電話響個不停。

So it's a very intuitive and common problem.

是以，這是一個非常直觀和常見的問題。

When we do research like this, we usually offer free therapy for people who agree to being studied.

我們在進行此類研究時，通常會為同意接受研究的人提供免費治療。

And then you spend a lot of time looking at what people do that seems to predict getting better.

然後，你要花很多時間去研究人們所做的事情，這些事情似乎預示著會變得更好。

Some people are skeptical of the research, right?

有些人對研究持懷疑態度，對嗎？

Often I get, isn't it totally different for everyone?

我經常會問，是不是每個人的情況都不一樣？

And the answer is, well, no.

答案是，不。

Not as different as you might think.

沒有你想象的那麼不同。

It turns out people who resolve these issues often go through three distinct steps.

事實證明，解決這些問題的人通常會經歷三個不同的步驟。

And they actually unfold in an order, although it's sort of a messy nonlinear two steps forward, one step backward process.

它們實際上是按一定順序展開的，儘管這是一種前進兩步、後退一步的混亂非線性過程。

I'm saying there seems to be a universal pattern.

我是說似乎有一種普遍的模式。

There is a map.

有一張地圖。

When people have unfinished business, there are three things that must happen, a sequence of steps.

當人們有未完成的事情時，有三件事必鬚髮生，這是一連串的步驟。

And the thing is, you can get stuck anywhere in that pipeline.

問題是，你可能在管道的任何地方被卡住。

The good news?

好消息是什麼？

The good news is we also know a bit about how to get people unstuck from each of those spots.

好消息是，我們也知道如何讓人們擺脫這些障礙。

So the first step is something like this.

所以第一步是這樣的

For example, a businesswoman takes on a junior partner and she really invests a lot in mentoring her.

例如，一位女企業家接收了一位初級合夥人，並投入大量精力對她進行指導。

They work well together.

它們配合得很好。

It's productive.

這是富有成效的。

And then for some reason, the junior partner cuts out, ditches the projects.

然後出於某種原因，小夥伴退出了，放棄了項目。

She wants to work more independently.

她想更加獨立地工作。

So it's a business scenario, right?

所以這是一個商業場景，對嗎？

But the point is that it was a close relationship and collaborative relationship that ended abruptly.

但問題是，這種親密的合作關係戛然而止。

And if you've invested a lot personally, it can feel a bit like getting dumped.

如果你已經投入了大量的個人資金，就會有一種被拋棄的感覺。

The businesswoman tells me about industry conventions, things like that.

這位女商人會告訴我一些行業會議之類的事情。

And she says, ah, I just cringe, like, what if she's there?

她說，啊，我只是畏縮，就像，如果她在那裡？

It'll be so awkward.

會很尷尬的

I don't know.

我不知道。

And when she says, I don't know, that's pretty important.

當她說 "我不知道 "的時候，這就非常重要了。

So the issue is we don't go there.

所以問題是我們不去那裡。

We just avoid the issue.

我們只是迴避這個問題。

It's like the person thinks they can wait it out, as if there was a storm passing overhead.

這就像一個人認為自己可以等待，就像有暴風雨從頭頂掠過。

But while you're avoiding the issue, not too much can change.

但在你迴避這個問題的時候，並不能改變太多。

So get in there, keep breathing, tolerate some exposure to the feelings until you start to feel OK with this new normal.

是以，你要站在那裡，保持呼吸，容忍這種感覺，直到你開始覺得這種新常態沒有問題。

Of course, I mean, the reason why we avoid the person or reminders is because it's upsetting.

當然，我的意思是，我們之所以迴避這個人或提醒，是因為它讓人心煩意亂。

There's usually a sense of very global distress, right?

通常會有一種非常全球性的痛苦感，對嗎？

It's like, I'm so upset, and I don't know why.

我很難過，不知道為什麼。

It's so awful.

太可怕了

But what's it?

是什麼？

What's the worst part of it?

最糟糕的是什麼？

And the person usually doesn't know.

而對方通常並不知道。

Typically, people have a lot of sadness and anger, except it's all fused together, like a big, ugly ball of children's plaster scene, except where all the colors are just mashed together.

通常情況下，人們會有很多悲傷和憤怒，只不過這些悲傷和憤怒都融合在一起，就像一個又大又醜的兒童石膏場景球，只不過所有的顏色都混在了一起。

Huh?

啊？

Anger, anger makes you push your chest out, like this, while sadness, you kind of withdraw, you pull back.

憤怒，憤怒會讓你挺起胸膛，就像這樣；而悲傷，則會讓你退縮，往後退。

So when you're trying to do both at the same time, that's what stuck looks like.

是以，當你試圖同時做到這兩點時，就會陷入困境。

Usually it comes out in a sort of whining complaint, like, ah, right, that sort of thing.

通常會以一種抱怨的口吻出現，比如，啊，對了，諸如此類。

You need to take some time to tease these apart, find the right words, and describe what's so awful or awkward or hard about it.

你需要花一些時間將這些問題拆分開來，找到合適的詞語，並描述出其中可怕、尷尬或困難的地方。

Some people get much more stuck on blaming, right?

有些人更喜歡指責別人，對嗎？

They get angry, and it's all about rejecting the other person.

他們會生氣，而這一切都是為了拒絕對方。

It's like, I'm disgusted, I hate him for what he did to me, she's so terrible.

就好像，我很噁心，我恨他對我做的一切，她太可怕了。

That's all about what you don't want.

這都是你不想要的。

It's not about what you do want.

這與你想要什麼無關。

It's just not that.

不是那樣的。

It's get away, which actually could be a good start, particularly when there's been abuse or when your boundaries have been violated, but you can't stay there forever.

逃離，這其實是一個好的開始，尤其是當你受到虐待或你的底線受到侵犯時，但你不能永遠待在那裡。

You still have to move on to the next step, and in a sense, you haven't even arrived at the deeper issue yet.

你還得繼續下一步，從某種意義上說，你甚至還沒有找到更深層次的問題。

So, what to do?

那麼，該怎麼辦呢？

Slow down.

慢一點

Where?

在哪裡？

Where does it hurt?

哪裡疼？

Maybe at the end of a romantic relationship, it's the way she looked down her nose at me.

也許是在一段浪漫關係結束時，她對我嗤之以鼻的樣子。

Okay, so what did that make you feel, right?

好吧，你有什麼感覺？

Someone who described the last time she ever saw her father tells me, he threw a pack of cigarettes across the table at me and said, there, that's the last thing you'll ever get from me.

有人描述了她最後一次見到父親的情景，她告訴我，父親把一包煙扔到我桌子對面，然後說："給你，這是我給你的最後一樣東西。

Wow, okay.

哇，好吧

So what's the message being implied here?

那麼，這裡隱含的資訊是什麼呢？

Yeah, it hurts, but what hurts is still implicit.

是的，這很痛苦，但痛苦的東西仍然是隱含的。

If you want to get past feeling upset, empty, lonely in these very general ways, then you have to take the time to focus on your feelings, the feelings that you have, and figure out what hurts the most.

如果你想擺脫心煩意亂、空虛、孤獨這些非常籠統的感覺，那麼你就必須花時間關注你的感受、你所擁有的感受，並找出最痛苦的是什麼。

That takes us to the second step, and it might, you know, this might not apply to everyone, but for some people, the end of a relationship leaves them a bit bent out of shape.

這就到了第二步，可能，你知道，這並不適用於所有人，但對有些人來說，一段感情的結束會讓他們有點難以接受。

In this second step, you get stuck because whatever happened jabbed you right in your soft spot, right, your Achilles heel.

在第二步中，你會陷入困境，因為不管發生了什麼，都正好戳中了你的軟肋，也就是你的致命弱點。

The end of the relationship rocked you in some sort of way.

這段關係的結束在某種程度上震撼了你。

It stirred up some deeper, older, uglier feelings.

它激起了一些更深、更古老、更醜陋的情感。

I remember the first time I really had my heart broken.

我還記得第一次真正心碎的情景。

I was young, and I couldn't figure out why the relationship was ending.

當時我還年輕，不明白這段感情為什麼會結束。

And then she says, like a mercy killing, right, you just aren't good at getting stuff done.

然後她說，就像一場仁慈的殺戮，對，你就是不擅長把事情做好。

Ouch.

哎喲

Because I also already had my own insecurities about that, and it stirred up those self-doubts.

因為我也已經有了自己的不安全感，它激起了我的自我懷疑。

I felt like it was a bit true, and so that left a mark.

我覺得這有點真實，所以留下了印記。

For most people who get stuck, they end up blaming themselves.

對於大多數陷入困境的人來說，他們最終都會責怪自己。

Whatever happened was my fault.

不管發生了什麼，都是我的錯。

Maybe I deserved to be mistreated or neglected, or as I was saying, you start doubting yourself.

也許我活該被虐待或忽視，或者正如我所說的，你開始懷疑自己。

Oh, it's true.

哦，是真的。

I am incompetent, unlovable, uninteresting.

我無能、不可愛、無趣。

You pick your personal poison here.

在這裡，你可以選擇你個人的毒藥。

A woman who discovered she was being cheated on tells me how she felt like a naive idiot.

一位發現自己被欺騙的女士告訴我，她覺得自己像個天真的傻瓜。

She says she felt humiliated.

她說，她感覺受到了羞辱。

People get stuck in this particular way, they're not avoiding, they're not bewildered like in the first step, right?

人們被這種特殊的方式困住了，他們不再回避，不再像第一步那樣困惑，對嗎？

You see, it's that they get caught beating themselves up about something related to the relationship.

你看，他們就是因為與這段關係有關的事情而自責。

So how do you know if you're stuck in this place?

那麼，你如何知道自己是否陷入了這種境地？

Well, you feel vulnerable and broken, but it's also familiar in a way.

你會感到脆弱和崩潰，但在某種程度上也很熟悉。

It's the same old story, you've been here before.

還是老一套，你以前來過這裡。

The truth is, some people will actually slide right through this.

事實上，有些人就可以直接通過。

They just aren't as vulnerable, whereas for others, especially when it's tied to a history of abuse or neglect, it feels like this is the story of their life.

他們只是沒有那麼脆弱，而對其他人來說，特別是當這與虐待或忽視的歷史聯繫在一起時，感覺這就是他們一生的故事。

This is where people get depressed, anxious.

這就是人們抑鬱、焦慮的原因。

They lose sleep.

他們會失眠。

What to do?

怎麼辦？

What to do?

怎麼辦？

So to work through this second step, you really have to go through the eye of the storm, right?

所以，要完成這第二步，你真的必須穿過風暴眼，對嗎？

The way out is to get a sense of what you really need.

出路在於瞭解自己真正需要什麼。

I mean an existential need, the need to feel valuable, to feel lovable.

我指的是一種存在的需要，一種感覺自己有價值、感覺自己可愛的需要。

Obviously, it's hard not to feel like a piece of garbage when somebody takes you out with the trash, right?

顯然，當有人把你和垃圾一起倒掉時，你很難不覺得自己是個垃圾，對嗎？

But as you start to articulate whatever you most deeply need as a living being, it actually creates a contradiction in you.

但是，當你開始表達自己作為一個生命最深切的需求時，這實際上在你身上產生了矛盾。

It's sort of like, I need to feel cared for, valuable, and I can feel it in my bones, right?

這就好像，我需要感受到被關心、有價值，我能從骨子裡感受到這一點，對嗎？

And yet, here I am in a pile of trash on the curb.

然而，我卻在路邊的一堆垃圾中。

It's a contradiction, right?

這是一個矛盾，對嗎？

Right?

對不對？

And that's where change starts to happen.

改變就從這裡開始。

What do you most deeply need, even if you don't feel entitled to it?

你最深切需要的是什麼，即使你覺得自己無權擁有？

Spell it out.

拼出來

Here's an important point.

這裡有一點很重要。

It's not what you need from that specific person, right?

你需要的不是那個人，對嗎？

It's not.

不是這樣的。

It's what you do need to flourish as a human.

這是你作為一個人茁壯成長所需要的。

So this is for you.

所以，這是給你的。

It's not about them.

這與他們無關。

It's not, I need him to apologize.

不是這樣的，我需要他道歉。

I need her to admit what happened.

我需要她承認發生了什麼。

No, no, no.

不，不，不

I need to feel like I matter.

我需要感覺自己很重要。

I need that somebody has my back, that I'm a priority, useful, worthy.

我需要有人支持我，我是優先考慮的對象，是有用的，是有價值的。

Of course, here's the problem.

當然，問題就在這裡。

Life didn't turn out that way, did it?

生活並非如此，不是嗎？

You got hurt.

你受傷了

You got mistreated, maybe betrayed, or you just lost someone.

你被虐待了，也許被背叛了，或者你剛剛失去了某人。

So the third step is where you actually go back to how the relationship ended.

所以，第三步就是你要回到這段關係是如何結束的。

Maybe you're pissed off, and you hate him, and you want to, yes, you want to burn all his stuff, OK?

也許你很生氣，你恨他，你想，是的，你想燒掉他所有的東西，好嗎？

But what are you fighting for?

但你為什麼而戰？

I'm fighting for my dignity, my value, my sense of myself as someone who's fun, funny, lovable.

我在為我的尊嚴、我的價值、我作為一個有趣、風趣、可愛的人的自我意識而戰。

It goes back to the need.

這又回到了需求上。

So you often have to assert yourself in some way.

是以，你往往必須以某種方式堅持自我。

And that usually comes in a healthy anger.

這通常是一種健康的憤怒。

A woman who survived a really predatory relationship, an abusive relationship, she says to me, she says, I got a lot of love to give.

她對我說，我有很多愛可以付出。

And when I love, I love hard.

當我愛的時候，我會用力去愛。

So that's worth something, even if he didn't notice it.

所以，即使他沒有注意到，這也是有價值的。

Assertion.

斷言。

But when it comes to feeling hurt in relationships, anger and sadness are often two sides of the same coin.

但說到在人際關係中受到傷害的感覺，憤怒和悲傷往往是一枚硬幣的兩面。

One sees this in romantic breakups all the time, right?

在浪漫的分手事件中，我們經常能看到這種情況，不是嗎？

You've been let down, you're disappointed, and you're angry.

你被辜負了，你失望了，你憤怒了。

But now that you've created some distance, well, I mean, you kind of miss the person too, right?

但現在，你已經有了一些距離，我的意思是，你也有點想念那個人了，對嗎？

And then you flip-flop back and forth between assertive anger and grieving the loss.

然後，你會在堅定的憤怒和對損失的悲痛之間來回翻轉。

Both are true.

兩者都對。

Two sides of the same coin.

一枚硬幣的兩面。

Still, it's important to experience each of these in their own right.

儘管如此，我們還是有必要體驗一下其中的每一項。

Grieving.

悲傷。

A loss is a healthy process.

失敗是一個健康的過程。

It's hard to move on and enjoy a new horizon in life if you haven't let go of what's behind you.

如果你還沒有放下過去，就很難繼續前進，享受生活的新天地。

And even if you're the one who ended the relationship, right, there's still a loss.

即使是你結束了這段關係，對吧，還是會有損失。

Because when you started it, you were hopeful.

因為當你開始的時候，你是滿懷希望的。

Nobody planned on the relationship ending.

沒有人打算結束這段關係。

When we work through grief, we usually focus on the good things, the things we enjoyed, right?

當我們經歷悲傷時，我們通常會把注意力放在美好的事情上，放在我們喜歡的事情上，對嗎？

We'll never get together again for a first swim, for a barbecue, no more Wednesday family dinners.

我們再也不會聚在一起游泳、燒烤，也不會再有周三的家庭聚餐了。

You have to say goodbye to these things and actually put up little tombstones for them.

你必須和這些東西說再見，併為它們豎起小墓碑。

But one of the reasons people have trouble finishing the grief process is because there are actually so many undeclared losses.

但人們難以完成悲傷過程的原因之一是，實際上有太多未申報的損失。

These are the hopes, the dreams, right, that you had together.

這些都是你們共同擁有的希望和夢想。

When couples split up, for example, sometimes they imagined what it would be like to have children together, right?

比如說，當夫妻分居時，他們有時會想象在一起生孩子會是什麼樣子，對嗎？

Children that now will never be born.

現在永遠不會出生的孩子

And for the business partnership that fell apart, these are all the unfinished projects that will never materialize.

而對於分崩離析的商業夥伴來說，這些都是永遠無法實現的未完成項目。

When I was doing therapy with a man, an inmate in prison, he knew his partner had already left him while he was serving time.

當我為一名在監獄服刑的男子做治療時，他知道他的伴侶已經在他服刑期間離開了他。

So he was like, we'll never go on that holiday together, the one we were saving up for, the trip we kept all those brochures for.

所以他就說，我們永遠也不會一起去度假了，那個我們一直在攢錢的假期，那個我們把所有小冊子都留著的假期。

So goodbye to that.

那就再見了。

Similarly, when someone dies, there usually are a lot of things left undone that will never be finished.

同樣，當一個人去世時，通常會有很多事情沒有做完，永遠也做不完。

What to do?

怎麼辦？

In the third step, you just need to follow and express the healthy need.

第三步，你只需遵循並表達健康的需求。

The issue to explore is what do you resent?

要探討的問題是，你怨恨什麼？

And then what do you miss?

然後你會錯過什麼？

Remember, if you don't know what you're fighting for, the specifics, then it's probably not adaptive.

記住，如果你不知道自己在為什麼而戰，不知道具體內容，那麼很可能就不會適應。

And grief, it's not just about feeling sad.