I had to take English as a second language classes.

我必須得上英語作為第二語言的課程。

I struggled in these classes because I only spoke English.

因為我只會說英語，所以我在這些課程上很吃力。

I wish that wasn't true.

我希望這不是真的。

I went to a school with a bunch of immigrant kids.

我上的學校有很多移民孩子。

They didn't know what to do with me.

他們不知道該拿我怎麼辦。

The teachers are like, "What do we do with the Asian kid who speaks English?"

老師們都在想，我們該拿這個會說英語的亞洲孩子怎麼辦？

Yeah, they decided let's just put him with the others.

是的，他們決定把他和其他人放在一起。

So English is now my first and second language.

英語現在是我的第一和第二語言。

I didn't complain.

我沒有抱怨。

If you speak English, that class is really easy.

如果你會說英語，這門課就非常簡單。

I got a C.

我拿到 C。

Nailed it.

成功了

My parents raised us American.

我的父母把我們養育成美國人。

I'm not very Asian at all.

我一點也不像亞洲人。

I don't even like going to Asian restaurants.

我甚至不喜歡去亞洲餐廳。

Asian waiters don't like me.

亞洲服務員不喜歡我。

They can sense that I'm a traitor.

他們能感覺到我是個叛徒。

My wife took me to this Vietnamese restaurant.

我妻子帶我去看了這個越南餐廳

We sit down, the Vietnamese guy comes by.

我們坐下後，那個越南人走了過來。

I'm just like, "Hey, can I have a Coke?"

我就想，嘿，能給我一杯可樂嗎？

He was so rude because he didn't work there.

他很粗魯，因為他不是那裡的員工。

I don't know why I did this.

我不知道我為什麼要這麼做。

This happens to every Asian person in an Asian restaurant.

在亞洲餐廳裡，每個亞洲人都會遇到這種情況。

They think you were.

他們認為你是

It's happened to me before, OK?

我以前也遇到過，好嗎？

He was mad.

他瘋了

He's like, "Why don't you get me a Coke?"

他說，為什麼不給我來杯可樂呢？

It became this really weird scene, like two Asian guys yelling at each other like in a Vietnamese restaurant.

這就變成了一個非常奇怪的場景，就像兩個亞洲人在越南餐館裡大喊大叫一樣。

It was like a weird, racist, friendly fire standoff.

這就像是一場奇怪的、種族主義的友軍對峙。

Everybody in the restaurant is looking at us now.

餐廳裡的每個人都在看著我們。

I heard someone go, "Why are the waiters arguing?"

我聽到有人說，服務員為什麼在爭吵？

"Is there going to be Kung Fu fighting?"

會有功夫格鬥嗎？

I'm from a big family.

我來自一個大家庭。

There was 10 of us.

我們有 10 個人。

This is typical for Laotians.

這是寮國人的典型特徵。

We have big families.

我們有大家庭。

Most of my friends are American.

我的大部分朋友都是美國人。

They all have two kids.

他們都有兩個孩子。

They can't relate to this at all.

他們根本無法理解這一點。

They love and spoil those two kids.

他們很愛很寵這兩個孩子。

They're always like, "How did your parents deal with 10 kids?"

他們總是問，你的父母是如何照顧 10 個孩子的？

Laotians deal with 10 kids the same way you guys deal with two.

寮國人對付 10 個孩子的方法和你們對付 2 個孩子的方法一樣。

They love and spoil two of them.

他們喜歡並溺愛其中的兩個。

It's like a basketball team.

這就像一支籃球隊。

There's two stars, right?

有兩顆星星，對吧？

Six kids are role players.

六個孩子都是角色球員。

They defend and rebound and two kids never come off the bench.

他們的防守和籃板能力都很強，有兩個孩子從來沒有下過板凳。

They're afraid you're going to trade them to another team.

他們害怕你把他們交易到其他球隊。

So it's unusual that I'm doing comedy because I'm a doctor.

因為我是醫生，所以我演喜劇是不尋常的。

It's also unusual because I'm Laotian.

這也很不尋常，因為我是寮國人。

Laotians aren't funny people.

寮國人不苟言笑。

Culturally, we're just very serious people.

在文化上，我們是非常嚴肅的人。

My parents hate that I do this.

我的父母討厭我這樣做。

They think I'm running away with a circus.

他們以為我跟馬戲團跑了。

I was super excited.

我超級興奮。

I got my parents to come to a show.

我讓父母來看了一場演出。

I was like, "It'll be a good time. We'll make them laugh. It'll be awesome."

我想，這會是一段美好時光。我們會逗他們笑的。 會很棒的

It wasn't awesome.

這並不可怕。

Yeah, they didn't laugh once and they made everybody uncomfortable.

是啊，他們一次都沒笑過，讓每個人都很不舒服。

I made it this big deal at the beginning of my set.

我在演出一開始就把它當成一件大事。

I told the audience, "My family's here, woo."

我告訴觀眾，我的家人在這裡，嗚嗚。

And then every time I told a joke, instead of laughing at the joke, the entire audience looked at my family.

然後，每次我講笑話時，全場觀眾不但不笑，反而看著我的家人。

My parents stayed up there the whole time like this.

我父母就這樣一直呆在上面。

By the end of the show, the entire audience was on their side.

演出結束時，所有觀眾都站在了他們這一邊。

I had 300 people looking at me like.

有 300 人看著我

I was bombing, I was silent, crickets.

我在轟炸，我在沉默，蟋蟀在叫。

The only time the audience laughed was when my dad goes, "You're not funny."

唯一一次觀眾大笑是我爸爸說 "你一點都不好笑 "的時候。

I got heckled by my dad.

我被我爸爸嘲笑了。

I want you guys to find me on social media.

我希望你們能在社交媒體上找到我。

I'm gonna spell my name.

我要拼出我的名字

You ready?

準備好了嗎？

My first name is Viengsouk.

我的名字叫 Viengsouk。

It's V-I-E-N-G-S-O-U-K.

是 V-I-E-N-G-S-O-U-K。

My last name is Phommachanh.

我姓 Phommachanh。

P-H-O-M-M-A-C-H-A-N-H.

P-H-O-M-M-A-C-H-A-N-H.

Got it?

明白了嗎？

I do this at every show.

每次演出我都這樣做。

I'm up to 12 Instagram followers.

我的 Instagram 粉絲數已達 12 人。

It's awkward.

太尷尬了

My name is 20 letters long, okay?

我的名字有 20 個字母長，好嗎？

I had to change my login for a website.

我必須更改一個網站的登錄名。

I accidentally put my name in that new password box.

我不小心把自己的名字寫在了新密碼框裡。

It told me it was very strong.

它告訴我它非常強壯。

You're welcome to use it.

歡迎使用。

That was just my first name.

那只是我的名字。

I tried my last name and it said too strong.

我試過我的姓氏，但它說太強烈了。

And the internet crashed.

然後互聯網就崩潰了。

So my name kind of stinks when you're a doctor, all right?

當你是醫生時，我的名字就有點臭了，好嗎？

I still see patients.

我還在給病人看病。

Every day I meet a patient whose name is something like Bob.

每天我都會遇到一個病人，他的名字和鮑勃差不多。

It's a different guy every day, but it's the same guy.

每天都是不同的人，但都是同一個人。

You don't know him, but you know him.

你不認識他，但你瞭解他。

Bob finds out I'm from Laos.

鮑勃發現我來自寮國。

He has to tell me he's been to Korea, which is cool because culturally, geographically, they're not even close.

他必須告訴我他去過韓國，這很酷，因為在文化和地理上，他們甚至都不接近。

And I get this from Bobs.

這是我從博布斯那裡得到的。

They're always like, "Oh, Phommachanh."

他們總是說，哦，Poma-chan。

What does that mean?

這是什麼意思？

He thinks it's gonna mean like he who fights bear.

他認為這就像他和熊打架一樣。

What it means is nothing.

這說明不了什麼。

I don't know why this happens.

我不知道為什麼會這樣。

It happens every day.

這每天都在發生。

I've started playing along.

我也開始玩了。

When I meet a Bob, I'm always like, "Ooh, Bob."

當我遇到鮑勃時，我總是想，哦，鮑勃。

That's so exotic.

太有異國情調了

What does Bob mean?

鮑勃是什麼意思？

And then I tell Bob, Phommachanh means Laotian love machine.

然後我告訴鮑勃，Phommachanh 是寮國愛情機器的意思。

I don't get any more questions.

我沒有問題了。

I used to have a job selling cell phones.

我以前有一份賣手機的工作。

This lady needed help.

這位女士需要幫助。

She saw my name tag and comes up to me and goes, "Do you speak good English?"

她看到我的名牌，走過來問我：你英語說得好嗎？

I was wondering the same thing about her.

我對她也有同樣的疑問。

And the right answer is yes, I speak English.

正確答案是肯定的，我會說英語。

How can I help you?

我能為您做什麼？

What I decided to say was, "You know what? I help you very good."

我決定說的是，你知道嗎？我幫了你大忙。

I know that's cheesy, but it's totally true.

我知道這很俗氣，但這是千真萬確的。

And I sold a phone.

我還賣了一部手機。

Some of you guys didn't get that.

你們有些人不明白這一點。

I sold a Motorola flip phone as Mr. Miyagi.

我以宮城先生的身份賣掉了一部摩托羅拉翻蓋手機。

Do you know how hard that is?

你知道這有多難嗎？

Flip phone open, flip phone close.

打開手機，關閉手機。

I live in Florida.

我住在佛羅里達州。

Yay.

耶

It's hurricane season.

現在是颶風季節。

That's always fun.

這總是很有趣。

I get really jealous of meteorologists during hurricane season.

在颶風季節，我真的很嫉妒氣象學家。

I think they have the coolest job in the world because they get to be on TV and say whatever.

我覺得他們的工作是世界上最酷的，因為他們可以上電視，說什麼都行。

There's no accountability.

沒有問責制。

If I screw up as a doctor, somebody might get sick, right?

如果我這個醫生搞砸了，可能會有人生病，對吧？

They get to predict hurricanes, cause widespread panic, and then miss by 10 states.

他們可以預測颶風，引起廣泛恐慌，然後以 10 個州的差距失誤。

And we're cool.

我們很酷

We're just on a sunshine lake.

我們只是在一個陽光湖上。

And we listen to them like they're Oprah.

我們把他們當成奧普拉來聽。

If they tell us a hurricane's coming, we go to Walmart like it's the apocalypse.

如果他們告訴我們颶風要來了，我們就會去沃爾瑪，好像這是世界末日一樣。

We murder our neighbors for like Triscuits and Spam.

我們為了餅乾和垃圾郵件謀殺鄰居。

And they show us something called the spaghetti model.

他們向我們展示了一種叫做意大利麵模型的東西。

It's this like big satellite model with like a bunch of colored lines on it predicting where the hurricane's gonna go.

這是一個大的衛星模型，上面有很多彩色線條，可以預測颶風的走向。

Why would you trust something called the spaghetti model?

你為什麼會相信所謂的意大利麵模型？

It looks like a toddler threw up on a map.

看起來就像一個蹣跚學步的孩子在地圖上吐了一地。

And I can't think of another job where you can use the spaghetti model.

我想不出還有什麼工作可以使用意大利麵模式。

Like I don't get to use it.

就像我不能使用它一樣。

If I'm explaining surgery, I can't be like, "Let's look at the spaghetti model."

如果我要解釋手術，我就不能說，讓我們看看意大利麵模型。

It's just.

只是

I have to remove one of these eight organs.

我必須摘除這八個器官中的一個。

We'll know more when we're closer.

我們會在更近的時候知道更多。我們會在更近的時候知道更多。