We thought it was important to see it again, since it might be the only presidential debate.

我們認為有必要再看一遍，因為這可能是唯一一次總統辯論。

And it was pretty fun to watch, as long as you don't live in America.

只要你不是生活在美國，就會覺得這非常有趣。

Good evening. I'm your moderator, Chris Wallace.

晚上好，我是主持人克里斯·華萊士。

And I think I'm gonna do a really, really good job tonight.

我想今晚我會表現得非常非常好。

First, I want to lay out the rules, which both parties agreed to in advance.

首先，我要列出雙方事先同意的規則。

Each candidate will have two minutes, uninterrupted.

每位候選人有兩分鐘時間，不得打斷。

Boring.

無聊。

Mr. President, I haven't even introduced the candidates yet.

總統先生，我還沒有介紹候選人呢。

Tell that to my Adderall, Chris.

跟我的阿德拉說去吧，克里斯。（阿德拉為治療注意力缺乏多動症的藥物）

Now let's get this show on the road and off the rails.

現在，讓我們把這齣戲演下去吧。

And you did take the COVID test you promised to take in advance, correct?

你也參加了事先答應的 COVID 檢測，對嗎？

Absolutely. Scout's honor.

當然。童子軍的榮譽。

Well, President Trump has already introduced himself, so let's now welcome the Democratic candidate.

川普總統已經做了自我介紹，現在讓我們歡迎民主黨候選人。

Boo. Here comes the booing.

噓聲。噓聲來了。

Former vice president of the United States.

美國前副總統。

Allegedly.

據稱。

And senator from Delaware.

特拉華州參議員。

Not even a real state.

甚至不是一個真正的州。

Joe Biden.

喬・拜登。

Mr. Vice president.

副總統先生。

Just one second, Chris.

等一下，克里斯。

Okay.

好的。

It looks like...

看起來...

It looks like you're ready to debate, Joe.

看來你已經準備好辯論了，喬。

Absolutely not.

絕對沒有。

I've got the beginning of 46 thoughts.

我有 46 個想法的開頭。

Now let's do this.

現在我們開始吧。

I'm holding my bladder. Let's get at her.

我憋住了。我們來對付她。

Tonight we'll be discussing six major topics, none of which anyone will remember by tomorrow.

今晚我們將討論六大主題，但到明天大家都不會記得了。

We begin with the Supreme Court.

我們從最高法院開始。

President Trump, two minutes.

川普總統，兩分鐘。

I'm gonna do ten.

我要回答十分鐘。

I'd like to begin with a list of complaints.

首先，我想列舉一些抱怨。

People are mean to me. Joe here is very mean.

人們對我很刻薄。喬就很刻薄。

Chris Wallace is mean.

克里斯·華萊士很刻薄。

The economy is mean.

經濟不景氣。

It keeps losing jobs, which is mean to me.

它不斷失去工作機會，這對我來說太刻薄了。

And the China virus has been very mean to me by being a hoax, and that statement will not come back to haunt me later this week.

中國病毒對我來說是一場惡作劇，這對我來說非常刻薄，本週晚些時候這項聲明不會再困擾我。

And-and what about the question I asked you about the Supreme Court?

問題是我問你最高法院的情況？

I think I answered that already.

我想我已經回答過了。

We're very excited about our nominee, Amy Cristina Barcelona, and it was so nice...

我們對被提名人感到非常興奮、Amy Cristina Barcelona，

so nice to welcome her the other day with open arms and uncovered faces.

那天張開雙臂、不戴口罩地歡迎她真是太好了……太好了。

Mr. Vice President, same question.

副總統先生，同樣的問題。

You have two minutes.

你們有兩分鐘時間。

Thank you, Chris.

謝謝你，克里斯。

Now, look, here's the deal.

聽著，事情是這樣的。

No, it's not.

不，不是這樣的。

Excuse me. Please.

不好意思，請讓我回答。

No, whatever you're gonna say, no.

不，不管你要說什麼，不。

Mr. President, please let him speak.

總統先生，請讓他發言。

He let you speak. Now let him speak.

他讓你說話了。現在讓他說。

But he's lying.

但他在撒謊。

I can't point out if he says a lie?

我不能指出他是否說謊話嗎？

I said two words, you son of a...

我說了兩個字，你個混蛋......

No.

不

Don't do it, Joe.

別這樣，喬。

That's exactly what he wants.

這正是他想要的。

Don't let your inner Whitey Bulger come out.

不要讓你內心的「白毛巴爾傑」爆發出來。（Whitey Bulger 為美國傳奇黑幫首領）

Just flash them all that smile they taught you in anger management.

只要向他們展示他們在憤怒管理課上教你的微笑就可以了。

Now, Mr. Vice President, and only Mr. Vice President, would you consider adding additional justices to the Supreme Court?

現在，副總統先生，只針對副總統先生，你會考慮為最高法院增添更多的法官嗎？

He won't even answer.

他甚至不回答。

I just asked the question.

我才剛問問題。

And he won't even answer it, just like he won't answer what about his son Hunter and Burisma and the mayor of Moscow and Obama was spying on me and he emailed Benghazi.

他甚至不願意回答這個問題，就像他不願意回答他的兒子亨特、緬甸、莫斯科市長、歐巴馬在監視我，他給班加西發郵件等問題一樣。

Mr. President, no one understands what you're saying.

總統先生，沒人聽得懂你在說什麼。

You're just listing terms you heard on Fox News and it sounds like you're saying the names of characters from a season four of a show that no one has watched.

你只是在羅列從福克斯新聞中聽到的術語，聽起來就像是在說一部沒人看過的電視劇第四季中的人物名字。

Sheriff of Portland.

波特蘭警長。

Mr. Vice President, please answer.

副主席先生，請回答。

Now look, here's the deal.

聽著，事情是這樣的。

Can I respond to that, Chris?

我能回應一下嗎，克里斯？

Will you just shut up?

你能不能閉嘴？

Sorry.

對不起。

I'm sorry, I misspoke.

對不起，我說錯了。

What I meant to say was I'd appreciate it very much if you could just allow me to finish my responses as opposed to sabotaging every waking moment with a toxic geyser of verbal diarrhea you cracked out turd-hurling sack of rancid dog snot.

我想說的是如果你能允許我完成我的回答，而不是用你這個滿嘴屎尿的餿狗鼻涕破壞我每一個清醒的時刻，我會非常感激。

Losing control.

失去控制。

Back to you, Chris.

回到你身邊，克里斯。

You still have two minutes, Joe.

你還有兩分鐘，喬。

Oh, really?

哦，真的嗎？

Where was I?

我說到哪兒了？

You said, "Look, here's the deal."

你說：「聽著，事情是這樣的。」

Oh, right.

哦，對了。

Look, here's the deal.

聽著，事情是這樣的。

Nope, lost it.

不行，我忘了。

Come back to me.

回到我身邊。

Chris, can I say one thing?

克里斯，我能說一件事嗎？

Am I allowed to say one thing?

我可以說一件事嗎？

Yes, Mr. President.

是的，總統先生。

What we need in this country is law and order.

我們國家需要的是法律和秩序。

When someone breaks the rules, they need to face the consequences.

當有人違反規則時，他們需要面對後果。

No exceptions.

無一例外。

Okay, what about your taxes?

好吧，那你的稅收呢？

There have to be exceptions, Chris.

必須有例外，克里斯。

The terms law and order, they're very vague terms, and rules are meant to be broken.

法律和秩序這兩個詞非常模糊，而規則就是用來打破的。

It's the same with masks.

口罩也是一樣。

I've got mine right here in my pocket, okay?

我的就在口袋裡，好嗎？

My mask, all right?

我的口罩，好嗎？

It's like a seatbelt, though.

就像安全帶一樣。

You just wear it when you're backing out of the driveway, then you take it off, okay?

你只在倒車離開車道的時候繫上，然後就解開了。

But Joe wears the biggest mask I've ever seen, and he's standing, like, 200 feet away from everybody.

但喬戴著最大的口罩，他就站在離大家200英尺遠的地方。

Look, man, I'm a nice guy, but if you give me any more guff tonight, I'll rip your face off like a mad chimp.

聽著，我是個好人，但如果你今晚再對我嘮叨個沒完，我會像一隻瘋狂的黑猩猩一樣把你的臉撕下來。

I'll knock that thing off your head and burn it, bury it in the pet cemetery where it came from.

我要把那東西從你腦袋上打下來燒掉，把它埋在它來的地方的寵物墓地裡。

Stop it, Joe, stop it!

別說了，喬，別說了！

God, you can't lose your cool just because this joker's raising little monkey dust.

天啊，你不能因為這個小丑揚起了小猴子的灰塵就失去冷靜。

The country's counting on you to just stand here and look lucid.

國家就指望你站在這裡，裝出一副清醒的樣子。

I know it.

我知道。

I know what'll calm me down.

我知道什麼能讓我平靜下來。

My new Harry Styles meditation tape.

我新買的哈利·史泰爾斯冥想帶。

We dip our toes in the cold, wet sand.

我們將腳趾浸入溼冷的沙子中。

Nice.

不錯。

And sit and face the sea.

坐下來，面朝大海。

Cleansing.

清淨。

We let the waves wash over us.

我們任憑海浪衝刷。

Alone, just you and me.

一個人，只有你和我。

Hey.

嘿。

And I better listen to, uh, my meditation tape as well.

我最好也聽聽我的冥想錄音帶。

Ladies and gentlemen, leaders and fighters for freedom and liberty and the American dream, the best is yet to come!

女士們、先生們，為自由、自由和美國夢而奮鬥的領導者和戰士們，最好的時刻即將到來！

All right, can we please have a civilized dialogue?

好吧，我們能進行文明對話嗎？

Debates are a time-honored tradition and the bedrock of American democracy.

辯論是歷史悠久的傳統，也是美國民主的基石。

Gay.

好甲。

Mr. President, if you keep interrupting this debate, I'll do absolutely nothing about it.

總統先生，如果你繼續打斷這場辯論，我完全無能為力。

Okay, okay, I'll be quiet.

好吧，好吧，我會安靜的。

I don't want to be dictated to, and I'm not going to be distracted anymore by this clown tonight.

我不想被人指手畫腳，今晚也不想再被這個小丑分心。

Okay?

好嗎？

I'm definitely going to concentrate.

我一定會集中精力。

I'm going to try to keep my...

我要努力保持我的...

What is that?

那是什麼？

Where's that coming from?

這是從哪裡來的？

Mr. President, please, stop using a laser pointer.

總統先生，請不要再用雷射筆了。

It's not, it's not.

不是的，不是的。

This is a wand that cures the COVID.

這是一根能治癒 COVID 的魔杖。

Okay?

好嗎？

All right. Boys, boys, boys, boys, boys.

好了孩子們。

Now, both of you, this stops right now.

現在，你們兩個，這一切都停止。

All right?

行嗎？

You look at me, Donald.

看著我，唐納。

You do not treat my Joe like that. All right?

你不能這樣對待我的喬。行嗎？

He's a nice boy.

他是個好孩子。

Come on. I got this.

拜託。我可以應付。

Uh-uh, Joe.

安靜，喬。

Let Mama Lagota work.

讓拉戈塔媽媽工作吧。

Now, Donald, I want you to apologize to Joe.

現在，唐納我要你向喬道歉。

He started it.

是他先開始的。

Hey!

嘿！

Hey!

嘿！

I don't care who started it.

我不在乎是誰先開始的。

All right?

行嗎？

I don't even care who sharted it.

我甚至不在乎是誰放的屁。

Now, you apologize to Joe now.

你現在就向喬道歉。

Sorry.

對不起。

I'm sorry, what's that?

不好意思，你剛剛說啥？

I said sorry. Okay? Are you happy now?

我說對不起。好嗎？ 你現在滿意了嗎？

I think if there's one thing we learned tonight, it's that America needs a WAP.

我想，如果說今晚我們學到了什麼，那就是美國需要一個 WAP。

Woman as president.

女性擔任總統。

But for now, I'll settle for HVPIC.

但現在，我還是選擇 HVPIC。

Hot vice president in charge.

性感副總統。

So why don't the two of you finish this debate or whatever the hell this is with some dignity, and when you're done, I've got you boys some PB&J and apple slices waiting for you back there.

所以，你們倆為什麼不堂堂正正地結束這場辯論，或者是什麼鬼東西？我已經給你們準備好了PB&J和蘋果片，在後面等著你們。

Yummy!

真好吃！

Want a massage?

想要按摩嗎？

Thank you, Senator Harris.

謝謝你，哈里斯參議員。

Oh, I am not done with you, Christopher Wallace.

哦，我跟你還沒完呢，克里斯·華萊士。

You will see me in my office after the debate.

辯論結束後，你們會在我的辦公室看到我。

Now, where the hell is my martini?

我的馬提尼呢？

Finally, just to ensure that this is the worst presidential debate in history, I'd like to close with white supremacy.

最後，為了確保這是有史以來最糟糕的一次總統辯論，我想說的是最後，我想談談白人至上主義。

Ooh, baby, come to papa.

哦，寶貝，到爸爸這兒來。

Mr. President, I'll ask you directly.

總統先生，我直接問你。

Do you condemn white supremacists?

你譴責白人至上主義者嗎？

Condemn them?

譴責他們？

I don't know any.

我一個都不認識。

I mean, who are you even talking about?

我是說，你到底在說誰？

The Proud Boys?

驕傲男孩？

The White Boot?

白靴子？

The Eugenics Eagles?

優生學老鷹隊？

I didn't even know any of these groups.

我甚至都不認識這些團體。

I certainly wouldn't even know how to signal them if I tried.

如果我想的話，我肯定都不知道怎麼給他們發信號。

America, are you listening to this?

美國，你在聽嗎？

The president of the United States is literally blowing a dog whistle.

美國總統簡直就是在吹狗哨。

I don't think this thing is working.

我覺得這東西不管用。

I don't hear anything.

我什麼也沒聽見。

Mr. Vice President, your closing statement.

副總統先生，請您致閉幕詞。

Well...

嗯...

That is so unfair.

這太不公平了。

Why don't I get to make a closing statement first?

為什麼我不能先做總結發言？

After all, I am the pres...

畢竟，我是總統...

Sorry, but I think we all needed a break.

對不起。但我想我們都需要休息一下。

Isn't that satisfying?

這難道不令人滿意嗎？

Just not to hear his voice for a single goddamn second.

只是不想聽到他那該死的一秒鐘的聲音。

Let's wallow in it.

讓我們沉浸其中吧。

Let's bask in the Trump-less-ness.

讓我們沉浸在「沒有川普」之中。

Now, Chris, could I speak directly to the American people?

克里斯，我能直接對美國人民說幾句話嗎？

Is it gonna be weird?

會很奇怪嗎？

Totally.

非常。

Totally weird.

非常奇怪。

America, look at me.

美國，看著我

Look directly into my eyeballs.

直視我的眼球。

You can trust me because I believe in science and karma.

你可以相信我，因為我相信科學和因果報應。

Now, just imagine if science and karma could somehow team up to send us all a message about how dangerous this virus can be.

現在，試想一下，如果科學和因果報應能以某種方式聯手，向我們所有人傳遞一個資訊，告訴我們這種病毒有多麼危險。

I'm not saying I want it to happen.

我不是說我希望它發生。

Just imagine if it did.

試想一下，如果真的是這樣。

So, this November, please get on the Biden train, which is literally a commuter train to Delaware.

今年11月，請搭上拜登的列車，這就是一列開往特拉華州的通勤列車。

And we can all make America not actively on fire again.

我們都能讓美國不再烽火連天。

Okay.

好的。

Now I'll unpause him.

現在我要取消他的暫停。

Antifa!

反法組織！

Nope, can't do it.

不，做不到。

Gonna leave him on pause.

讓他暫停一下。

Oh, and one more thing.

哦，還有一件事。

Live from New York, Saturday Night Live!

紐約現場報道週六夜現場！