Let me ask you guys something real quick.

讓我問你們幾個問題

You know like when you're outside and the sun is like super bright, you don't have your sunglasses on, you kinda gotta squint a little?

你知道，當你在外面，陽光超級強烈，你又沒戴太陽鏡，你就得眯一會兒嗎？

Yeah, I don't.

是的，我不知道。

It's great, cause when people wanna throw sand in my eyes, I'm just like, the percentages are lower.

這很好，因為當人們想往我眼睛裡扔沙子時，我就會說，百分比更低。

Like a stupid cocky guy, you know?

就像一個愚蠢的自大的傢伙，你知道嗎？

Lot of things bother me, you could Google this one after.

很多事情都困擾著我，你可以在谷歌上搜索一下。

In Taiwan, we speak Mandarin, okay?

在臺灣，我們說國語，好嗎？

The word that describes a male in Mandarin is xiao niao.

國語中形容男性的詞是 xiao niao。

In direct translation, little bird.

直譯為 "小鳥"。

Little bird?

小鳥？

You could've named it anything.

你可以給它起任何名字。

I don't know, maybe a regular-sized bird.

我不知道，也許是一隻普通大小的鳥。

Or an ostrich, or like an eagle, caw caw, whatever, you know?

或者是鴕鳥，或者是老鷹，"嘎嘎嘎 "什麼的，你知道嗎？

Other people don't gotta know the size of the bird.

其他人不會知道鳥的大小。

Let them find out.

讓他們自己去發現。

I just wanna let you guys know, I'm a regular-sized bird.

我只是想讓你們知道，我是一隻正常大小的鳥。

You guys are like, whatever, little bird, it's the worst.

你們就說，隨便吧，小鳥，這是最糟糕的。

Five and a quarter.

五又四分之一

No, but I grew up in an Asian family and they give you really good saving habits.

沒有，但我是在亞洲家庭長大的，他們讓你養成了非常好的節約習慣。

Like I've been trying to save money, but in really embarrassing ways.

就像我一直在努力省錢，但省錢的方式實在讓人尷尬。

Like when I go grocery shopping, I don't buy trash bags.

就像我去買菜時，我不會買垃圾袋。

I just try to double bag everything.

我只是儘量把所有東西都裝進雙層袋子裡。

Yes, miss, please double bag my bananas and separate them into individual bags, please.

是的，小姐，請把我的香蕉裝進雙層袋子裡，然後再分開裝袋，謝謝。

Sir, would you like a receipt in the bag?

先生，您需要袋子裡的收據嗎？

Yes, please, and a new bag, and double bag that, too.

是的，請給我一個新包，也是雙層的。

I need all of it, seriously.

我需要所有這些，真的。

I think I get it from my grandma.

我想這是我奶奶教我的。

My grandma's so thrifty.

我奶奶很節儉。

She's so thrifty.

她真節儉。

Like when I was a kid, we never had leftover food because she believes whatever she freezes in her industrial-sized freezer will never expire.

就像我小時候一樣，我們從來沒有吃剩過食物，因為她相信，只要是她凍在她的工業級冰箱裡的東西，就永遠不會過期。

I'm like, grandma, this toast, it's expired.

我就說，奶奶，這個吐司過期了。

She's like, okay, I'll freeze it for later.

她說："好吧，我把它凍起來備用。

We got toast from the 1940s.

我們有上世紀 40 年代的烤麵包。

Her freezer is like a museum for old food, except we eat the stuff in the museum, and it's delicious.

她的冰箱就像一座舊食物博物館，只不過我們吃的是博物館裡的東西，而且味道很好。

She's a great cook.

她是個很棒的廚師。

But this is how thrifty she was.

但她就是這麼節儉。

This is a real thing.

這是真的。

I was a kid, and I was eating noodles at one time, and I found a cockroach on it, ew, right?

我小時候有一次吃麵條，發現上面有一隻蟑螂，噁心吧？

Yeah, that's another thing.

是的，這是另一件事。

She never admits there's roaches at her house, but she's got bug spray, and she sprays it like it's Febreeze.

她從不承認家裡有蟑螂，但她有防蟲噴霧劑，而且噴得像清涼油一樣。

It's okay now, Jason.

現在沒事了 傑森

No, it's not, grandma.

不，不是的，奶奶。

Everybody's gonna die in the house now, except the roaches.

現在房子裡的每個人都會死，除了蟑螂。

So I was eating noodles, and I was a kid, and I didn't want it anymore because it's got a roach on it.

所以我吃麵條，我還是個孩子，我不想再吃了，因為上面有蟑螂。

This is what she did.

這就是她的所作所為。

She walked over, looked at the bowl.

她走過去，看著碗。

This is what she did.

這就是她的所作所為。

Where?

在哪裡？

Where's the cockroach, Jason?

蟑螂在哪裡，傑森？

I yell at her for you.

我為你對她大喊大叫

I was like, it's on grandpa's face now.

我當時就想，這下爺爺臉上可有光了。

You not see it?

你沒看到嗎？

Right there, half dead, half alive.

就在那裡，半死半活。

I'll just have that toast on the 1940, thank you.

我還是吃1940年的吐司吧，謝謝。

Okay, I didn't throw you some noodles, but later.

好吧，我沒給你扔麵條，但以後會的。

That's the worst.

這是最糟糕的。

I got my ass beat a lot when I was a kid.

我小時候經常捱揍。

I did, by my parents, but they would always try to justify it and try to make me the bad guy.

我是這樣做了，我的父母也是這樣做了，但他們總是試圖為我開脫，試圖讓我成為壞人。

Like, they'll tell me all the time, we beat you because we love you.

比如，他們總是告訴我，我們打你是因為我們愛你。

Like, try to make me feel guilty for not appreciate the beatings.

比如，試圖讓我因為不欣賞毆打而感到內疚。

Like, you know what's the worst?

比如，你知道最糟糕的是什麼嗎？

The worst is that you can't tell mom somebody beat you up after school when she's the one doing it.

最糟糕的是，你不能告訴媽媽放學後有人打了你，而打你的人是她。

And you can't tell daddy either because he's just waiting to be tagged in.

你也不能告訴爸爸，因為他正等著被貼上標籤呢。

You can't tell the teachers, but first of all, they beat you too.

你不能告訴老師，首先，他們也打你。

And if you tell the teachers that your parents beat you, they're just gonna be like, oh, that's great that your parents is involved in your academics.

如果你告訴老師你的父母打了你，他們只會說，哦，你的父母參與了你的學業，這很好。

It's the worst thing.

這是最糟糕的事情。

But all the kids get the same thing.

但所有的孩子都得到同樣的東西。

It's just a matter of what tools they use to beat you.

這只是他們用什麼工具打敗你的問題。

Like, a lot of Asian parents, their tools is whatever they're wearing on their feet that they just, fast.

就像很多亞洲父母一樣，他們的工具就是他們腳上穿的任何東西，他們只是，快。

You know what I mean?

你明白我的意思嗎？

Did you see that?

你看到了嗎？

No, you didn't, because it's too fast.

不，你沒有，因為太快了。

Boom, long range.

轟，遠距離。

It's versatile.

它用途廣泛。

But all the kids get the same thing.

但所有的孩子都得到同樣的東西。

Like, there's one time I was showing my cousin, there's like bruises on my butt.

比如，有一次我給我表妹看，屁股上好像有淤青。

And yeah, and then he took off his shirt and there's just big bruises and big marks.

是的，然後他脫掉了上衣 留下了大塊的瘀傷和傷痕。

And I start to feel really sad because I'm like, oh my God, his mom loves him more.

我開始感到非常難過，因為我想，天哪，他媽媽更愛他。

He got jealous, you know?

他吃醋了，你知道嗎？

So I ask him, and what did you do exactly?

於是我問他，你到底做了什麼？

But all the kids get the same thing.

但所有的孩子都得到同樣的東西。

But what really sucks is that you can't fight back either because you're too small, right?

但真正糟糕的是，你也無法反擊，因為你太小了，對嗎？

But this one time I got super excited.

但有一次，我超級興奮。

My dad's car got towed, right?

我爸爸的車被拖走了，對吧？

And I went out to him, he super stopped, but I went out to him and I was like, hey dad, remember when you took my toy car away?

我去找他，他停了下來，但我還是去找他，我說，嘿，爸爸，還記得你把我的玩具車拿走了嗎？

Well, now you know how it feels, sucker.

現在你知道是什麼感覺了吧，笨蛋。

You can't just leave them anywhere you want to, remember?

你不能想把它們放在哪裡就放在哪裡，記得嗎？

Definitely gonna tell mom, screw you.

一定要告訴媽媽，去你媽的。

And then I ran as fast as I could.

然後我拼命地跑。

But mid-run and dawned on me, I still gotta go home to get my ass beat because my home is really his home.

但跑到一半，我恍然大悟，我還是得回家捱揍，因為我的家其實就是他的家。

But that's how I got to America.

但我就是這樣來到美國的。

That is really how I got to America because they're just like, we're too tired of beating you, we're gonna send you to a military school.

我就是這樣來到美國的，因為他們就像這樣，我們打你打得太累了，我們要送你去軍校。

I'm like, no, not military school.

我想，不，不是軍校。

But then I loved it, I ended up loving it because on the first day I found out, teachers don't beat you here.

但後來我喜歡上了這裡，因為第一天我就發現，這裡的老師不會打你。

It's the best.

這是最好的。

Compared to home, it was like a resort.

與家裡相比，這裡就像一個度假勝地。

Like my parents still didn't know.

就像我的父母還不知道一樣。

They're like, you're gonna eat there and sleep there, Jason.

他們會說 你要在那裡吃飯睡覺 傑森

I'm like, oh my God, it's all inclusive.

我想，天哪，這真是包羅萬象。

The worst they do to you is make you do pushups.

他們對你做的最糟糕的事就是讓你做俯臥撐。

So your punishment is to get healthy.

所以，你的懲罰就是讓自己變得健康。

You're talking too much, now get healthy.

你說得太多了，現在健康點。

Oh my God, this is amazing.

天啊，這太神奇了

I'm gonna get buff, go home, beat my dad's ass.

我會變得更帥，回家打我爸一頓。

All right guys, thank you so much.

好了，謝謝你們。

My name is Jason Chan, give it up.

我叫陳杰森，放棄吧。